


No Forces of Darkness

by RimauSuaLay



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: AU, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, First Time, M/M, Season/Series 03, Smarm, Vampire Turning, Werewolves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-07
Updated: 2011-03-07
Packaged: 2017-10-16 04:23:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 98,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/168364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RimauSuaLay/pseuds/RimauSuaLay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While trying to stop a vampire from ruling the world, Angel changes two lives forever. After things calm down, Xander gets really tired of being Giles' lab rat while Angel feels bad about Buffy. They decide to do something about the situation, but then an investigating Watcher complicates everything.</p><p>Contains 'Cycles of Change' and 'Lab Rat' written 1999 and 2001, previously published as a story and its sequel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cycles of Change

**Author's Note:**

> Notice the story takes place during season 3 and follows canon to about the time Faith appears. Veers off to an AU after that. Written in the turn of the millennium, slightly revised Winter 2011. Lots and lots of smarm ahead, don't say you weren't warned.
> 
> Beta by Raonaid, Wolfsbride and Windzweaver. All remaining mistakes are my own.

Everything's about change. It can be man made: Machines molding nature into parking lots or big malls, strong hands molding dough into pastries. Or it can be natural: The change of seasons that are always the same, but still always different. Birth, growth, death. Well, in my case it's usually death.

Sometimes the change isn't a physical event. It could be a revelation that changes a person's life forever. It's usually something unintentional. Or if it's been planned ahead, it won't go according to the plans. You try and you try and in the end you realize that nothing you did, nothing you worked for, made any difference. Nothing. Things just happen, no matter how you try to prevent them. You might be the center of your own being, but you're not the center of the universe.

When you realize that, you change. You either grow as a person or you go mad. I usually do the former, but the latter is familiar, too.

Most of the time the change is so subtle that people hardly notice it. The moment of transition just goes by. You don't pay any attention to it until one day you open your eyes and see that the cocoon has broken and the butterfly is flexing its wings. Or maybe things change so slowly you can't comprehend them. Running water shaping the landscape slowly over the centuries.

And almost always the change is somewhat painful, even if it's a change for the better, like a medicine that tastes foul, but saves your life. Not that I know anything about that. That's a small consolation. I'm destined to spend my 'life' in eternal darkness, save for the bright neon lights, of course, killing beings I don't know, seeing people I care for die. But hey, at least I don't have to pay for medical insurance.

I've lived for a long time. Or I've been dead for a long time. Whatever. And I intend to continue existing on this plane of existence for some time.

For that I had to change. Or the world had to. I prefer the latter. But what does the world care about what I prefer or not?

It really doesn't.

I'd lost my soul twice, and twice I had gotten it back. Thanks to Willow, I was now once again the good little vampire Buffy and her Slayerettes knew and loved. I came back, but everything changed.

I was able to get most of my friends back along with my soul, but I also got my heart back. I couldn't let Buffy hold it in her strong hands anymore. Yes, that was a painful change, too. I still cared for her, but it was the kind of love that the troubadours sang about. You know, it seems so much better when you think about it than it does when you actually live it. Or maybe I just saw what I'd always feared, always known.

A vampire and a Slayer as a couple was definitely a no-no.

It's amazing that Buffy and I could still be friends after all that went wrong between us. But we were. I think she's about the best friend I've ever had. She's someone I can count on. That's not something I can say about many people.

Of course, there are our mutual friends, too. I think Giles doesn't hold grudges anymore. I... no, _Angelus_ was a cold son of a bitch who really didn't deserve to live, and the Watcher knows that. And he knows that I know it. I think I'd call him a friend now. After I came back from that Very Unpleasant Place, we formed this... let's call it 'tentative peace'. It wasn't exactly friendship. Not yet, but it was heading towards it.

That was almost destroyed by the Big Change that happened some time ago. No, not the soul-thing. The _other_ change.

Since Willow was the one who put the spell on me, bless her for that, she knew a little more about what I went through than the others. Oz wasn't really interested in anything else but her. A strange little group of people. People I hesitantly called friends.

Did I leave anyone out? And if I did, did I do it on purpose?

Don't ask.

I don't want to think about what he was like back then. He hated me and he had a damn good reason for it.

At first, we couldn't be in the same room without Xander starting to look for something sharp and wooden. It was almost like he felt that Angelus' atrocities had been especially aimed to hurt him. I apologized for my --his-- actions. He told me to go to hell. Even though it wasn't really my style back then, I tried to explain how it had felt to realize that I had been turned into a homicidal maniac. He told me that my explanations stank and I should take a long bath. In a tub full of holy water.

I wasn't actually certain if he'd really kill me or not, but by the look in his eyes, I knew that he at least considered it seriously.

That period lasted for a long time.

As months went by, Xander and I got into a routine. He would insult me and I would make a sarcastic remark. He wouldn't try to kill me and I wouldn't sneak up behind him, approach him in dark alleys, or do anything to unnerve him. And I wouldn't touch him.

It was harder than I'd thought --not touching him, I mean. I hadn't been overly physical with him before, if you don't count Angelus pushing him around a little, but now that I was constantly being mindful of not touching him, I couldn't get the idea out of my head. That skin of his looked really inviting, now that I was thinking about it. And I had to think about him and his body. I had to keep an eye on him so I wouldn't accidentally bump into him or anything.

In time, that 'or anything' began to bother me. I'd gotten a good Irish education and knew all about forbidden fruit. You didn't eat the apple. Once you'd been in the Land of Youth, you didn't touch the ground when you had to return to the world of mortals. Not if you wanted to live forever. And you most certainly didn't think about making a pass at a man who hated your guts.

At least if you're sane.

So I tried to think of him as a person. Alexander L. Harris: The young foolish man, the below the avarage student, one of the Fighters Against the Forces of Darkness tm. A rather cute and smart kid, but still just a kid. A brave, honorable and dedicated kid. A warm, bright soul.

That was a big mistake. If I'd thought of him as a warm, sexy body, I'd have had some control over the matter. As long as I'd kept my distance, it was just lust. A bit like it had been with Buffy before I got to know her. After all, you can't fall in love with someone you don't know. There's no such thing as love at first sight. Desire and lust, not love.

When I realized that I'd begun to use the words 'Xander', 'desire' and 'love' in the same sentence, I seriously thought about a long vacation far away from Sunnydale. But then yet another monster came to town and once again I was needed to help save the world. And we did, even though that victory cost us dearly and we lost one of us.

No, Faith didn't die. She just came to the conclusion that a vacation would do her good, too. After all, Sunnydale wasn't the only place that needed a Slayer. So she left.

I stayed.

I couldn't leave Sunnydale, no matter how I felt towards Xander. I had made a commitment to the Forces of Good (another trade mark, like Xander would say) and I owed it to Whistler, Buffy and the others to honor it. And in time I got used to loving Xander, even though unrequited love is highly overrated. There's nothing sweet or romantic about it. It hurts like hell. Trust me on this one.

Everything was normal for a few weeks and I watched my friends relax. They enjoyed spending time as normal teenagers, not worrying about what the future might bring to the Hellmouth. Unfortunately, I wasn't as naive as they were. The old saying about 'the calm before the storm' was constantly on my mind.

Who would have thought that the storm would actually be a hurricane?

* * *

I'd just eaten and was walking aimlessly through the alleys behind Bronze. The place was closed, so I couldn't go there. Too bad. I needed something to do, people to watch, anything. I was really bored with staring at the walls of my home and I didn't want to go back there before I absolutely had to.

I spotted a brown rat behind a dumpster and squatted down to observe her. She was a long, lean creature with an even longer tail. She was gnawing something slightly greenish with the fervor you only saw in a hungry rat. Or a hungry vampire.

Maybe she had babies somewhere and needed all her strength to take care of the little ones.

Watching the flea bitten little creature wasn't exactly all that fascinating, but it was better than nothing. I wasn't really in the mood for a long walk at the moment, and staring at a rat suited my frame of mind perfectly. The rat didn't seem to mind my presence. She glanced at me a few times, her black eyes gleaming at the faint glow of the street lamp, and then returned to the moldy piece of bread. It was like she knew that I wasn't going to fight her for her food. Or fight to have her as food. No thanks, Miss Rat. I'd already eaten.

After the rat had finished eating, she took a big chunk of bread into her sharp little teeth and began to scurry home. I followed her silently. Great, now I was desperate enough to seek the company of a filthy rodent.

So what? I'm a vampire. I'm supposed to spend my time with rats or bats in a gloomy cemetery, wallowing in blood with my faithful servant Igor. Or was that the sidekick of Dr Frankenstein? Sometimes it all gets fuddled in my brain.

My little companion was moving a bit faster and I had to run so I wouldn't lose sight of her. Damn, those little paws moved quickly.

I think we were almost at the nest when I heard someone's footsteps approaching. Tensing, I sneaked into the shadows, trying to be as quiet as I could. People didn't usually go walking in this part of town at this hour.

The steps were getting closer now. I wasn't afraid of whoever it was, but I was curious. Who would be foolish enough to wander around here in the dark alone?

I heard a muffled curse and then a familiar voice whispered frantically, "Damn you, Deadboy! If you're not here, I'm gonna kick your butt!"

"I didn't know you were interested in my butt." I couldn't help whispering that, but I made sure it was said so quietly that the boy didn't hear it. I waited until Xander had passed me and then hurried back through the alley and then headed left. I was determined to get in front of him and let him see me. It wouldn't be all that wise to startle a guy who was carrying stakes and bottles of holy water.

"Angel? Are you here?"

The use of my name sent shivers down my spine. He hardly ever called me that. Only in my dreams. I stepped out of the shadows about thirty yards from Xander and made enough noise so the young man wouldn't be startled. When I was certain he'd seen me, I walked towards him. "What do you want?"

Xander blinked. "Took you long enough, Deadboy. Come on, Buffy sent me to find you."

"Since when have you been running her errands? Why didn't she come herself?"

"Don't ask stupid questions! Buffy's hurt and we have a serious situation on our hands. Let's go!" He turned around and headed back the way he'd come.

The fact that he didn't even bother to insult me worried me most, and I followed him without any objections. We ran through the dark alleys. Xander stumbled a few times and I had to fight against the urge to help him back to his feet. Whatever had made him rush to find me had to be important and we couldn't waste time by getting into a fight.

We ran to the school. Xander opened the front door with Giles' key and then we scurried towards the library. I pushed the door open and froze.

Giles and Willow were fussing around Buffy. The Slayer was sitting on a table, holding her torn shirt over her chest while the Watcher was wrapping a bandage on her arm. I didn't see the wound, but the strong scent of blood told me it wasn't just a minor scratch.

"What happened?"

Buffy looked at me and I almost gasped. Her face was dirty and she looked like she'd been crying. There was a long gash on her left cheek. She tried to smile, though it looked more like a grimace. "I ran into an ambush. I heard something about a strange death in the outskirts of Sunnydale and went to investigate."

My mind was reeling. An ambush? "Vampires?"

She nodded.

"Did you slay them?"

"One of them." She winced as Giles raised her arm a little. "Ouch. There were too many of them. I barely got away from there in one piece."

"Were they someone we know?"

"No. But I think their leader's called Thereweld or something like that."

Giles and I moaned in stereo. "Thorwald?"

"Friend of yours?" Willow said, raising an eyebrow. She'd probably been practicing that in front of a mirror.

Thorwald a friend of mine? Just like Spike was actually an altar boy. "No. I've met him a couple of times, though." If they thought Angelus had been bad, they didn't have a clue. Thorwald and his people were hell on earth.

Giles grunted something and after he'd finished bandaging Buffy's arm he hurried to the bookshelves. I guessed he'd come running back in a few minutes, carrying a thick old book about Scandinavian vampires.

I couldn't help myself and began to pace back and forth. I really hated it when old acquaintances came to visit the town. It was almost like the Hellmouth was some kind of a tourist attraction. 'Hey, it's time for the holidays. Let's see, there's the Grand Canyon, we could go to Niagara... Wait! Let's go and cause some mayhem on the Hellmouth!' Someone who wasn't all that squeamish about doing business with vampires, werewolves, ogres and other weirdoes could get rich by selling souvenirs.

Pacing helped me to focus on the present. I almost smiled when I noticed that Xander was looking at me with an irritated look on his face. Apparently he wanted to pace too, but thought it would look ridiculous if we both began to stroll around the library. He saw I was looking at him, but surprisingly he didn't look away. He didn't say anything either, just looked at me with an odd expression on his face. I stared into his eyes for a moment and then tore my gaze off him. Damn. I hoped I wasn't blushing.

Willow was dabbing some antiseptic to Buffy's face when Giles came running back to the table. "Here! I just remembered this thick old book about Scandinavian vampires."

Told you so.

"There should be a whole chapter in here about Thorwald and his gang." The Watcher browsed through the book, frowning as he read something. "I think we're in trouble. Thorwald has quite a reputation. It seems that..."

I sighed as he turned to me. It wasn't really my job to tell the mortals about what had happened. Actually, I didn't want to even think about it.

Giles lowered his chin and took a few deep breaths.

Oh, damn it! "He's killed a couple of Slayers. And he's made a vow that he'll kill every single Slayer he meets. You are lucky to still be alive," I said. I decided to leave all the gruesome details out of my explanation.

"Yeah, I feel really lucky!" Buffy laughed a little. "So now what? How long will he stay?"

She probably read the answer from my face before I actually said it. "If he knows you're a Slayer, he won't leave until you're dead."

"And me. It says here that he likes to kill the Watcher, too."

Why the hell did he have to say that out loud? I thought the Watcher's job was to calm the situation and then make a plan, not get everyone into a panic.

Willow paled a little, but her voice was calm when she asked Giles, "What do we do now? I mean, we're still safe here in the school, aren't we?"

No, that didn't make me think about the wards Giles had placed around the school after... After.

"What? Oh, yes. I'm sorry, but Thorwald's reputation… Right. We treat this like all the other cases. Crosses, stakes, eat a pizza with extra garlic and don't invite anyone into your home."

Har har. The Brit never fails to take me out of a bad mood. He just flings me straight into suicidal melancholia. Though when Xander nodded at that, it almost made me smile.

Buffy pulled the remains of her sweater tighter around her and then slipped into her jacket. "I think my slaying's done for tonight. I'd better get home."

"We'll walk you there." Willow nudged Oz with her shoulder. "Right?"

Oz nodded and started to gather his stuff together.

"Xander?"

The boy shrugged. "Nah, I need to do something first. I'll see you all tomorrow."

Willow didn't even ask me, she just glared. I guess I didn't really mind. I wasn't in the mood to play nursemaid to the Slayer anyway. No, I didn't resent Buffy now that we were no longer an item, but I tried to keep a safe distance between us. It was best for my mental health in the long run. And I'd noticed that she did the same. Maybe it was the only way we could remain friends.

The two girls and the hairball left the library and I looked at Giles. "I'll come by tomorrow, and we can think about a strategy. Don't try to handle this on your own. Thorwald isn't your ordinary vampire. He's very dangerous." In his own way, he was even more dangerous than Angelus.

"Of course. I'll be here."

Where else? I nodded at him and then headed towards the door.

The school was empty, even the janitor had gone home, and I enjoyed walking through the dark corridors. I'd never gone to a real school, so the place didn't give me the creeps. The sound of my footsteps on the hard linoleum was actually quite pleasant.

"Hey, wait."

I was startled, and turned around to see Xander running down the hall. Leaning against the wall, I crossed my arms across my chest and waited for him to reach me. He hadn't talked to me voluntarily in ages, and when he had, it was usually something you couldn't really write down. The guy had quite a vocabulary. This time he didn't look like he was going to use some of his more colorful expressions, and I was curious what he had to say.

"What?"

He stopped right in front of me. "What didn't you tell us?"

"Huh?"

"You looked really strange for a moment there. Keeping secrets?"

I sighed. If he only knew. "No. I just remembered something that happened once. Or twice actually. It's nothing vital."

"Wanna tell me about it?"

What? This from Xander? "No."

I must have looked baffled, 'cause he smiled a little and then slowly patted my shoulder. "No sweat. I'm not gonna pull a cross from my pocket or anything. I've been thinking about... you know, the situation... and I think it's time to bury the hatchet for good."

"Um…" Yes, I was as articulate as a two years old. I wasn't certain how to interpret his words. Could it be that he was talking to me as a friend, or did he mean that he wanted to bury the hatchet in my chest?

Xander's smile widened to a grin. He waited patiently for me to gather my wits. It was unbelievable. The guy hated my guts, and now he was lightly touching my arm, waiting me to answer his peace offering.

"Why?"

He shook his head. "Why not? I've been wondering if you really changed… I mean, I…"

It was good to see that I wasn't the only stuttering idiot around here. "You weren't sure if I was really a good guy. Can't blame you. I _was_ pretty awful."

"Yeah. I'm willing to try to forget all that, though. You?" He lifted his hand from my jacket and held it out to me.

I stared at the hand. Nice gesture, shaking hands, but I'd rather have hugged him. Or kissed him. Or maybe even… "Thank you, Xander." His hand was warm and I expected him to flinch at the coldness of mine. He didn't.

"So, now what?"

"I guess this'll take some time to get used to." Yeah. I didn't have to worry about saying something stupid or tensing every time he was near. Now I could accidentally bump into him, or maybe even pat his back if something went well. Not that I'd plan any of that ahead, no. Best not to think too much about it. My hand tingled in his grip and I had to pull it away, before my body overrode my mind's rather tenuous control over all the less than platonic urges I had concerning this young man.

Xander nodded. "Right. Um… So, I'll be seeing you tomorrow?"

"You can count on that." I saw that he didn't make a move to leave and frowned. "Was this the reason you didn't go with Buffy and the others?"

"Yeah. I thought I should talk to you in private and this seemed to be a perfect opportunity."

That was rather sweet, but I was appalled that he'd risk his life like that. "Go get your coat, I'll walk you home."

He looked a bit shocked, but then he squared his shoulders. "You don't have to patronize me. I'm not a baby."

"No, you're not. You're my friend. And I don't have so many friends that I'd stand by and let Thorwald or his goons kill one. I'll either walk with you or follow you home." There was nothing new in that. It wouldn't be the first time I played his guardian… Angel. Ooh, that was really lame. The company I've been keeping lately must be a bad influence.

"Oh." Xander looked a bit flushed. "Thanks."

I waited for him to get his stuff and then we walked out of the school side by side. He didn't live all that far from Sunnydale High, so it wasn't all that much trouble to see that he got home safely. Anyone would have done it for a friend, there was nothing suspicious in it. We didn't talk much while we walked, just enjoyed something that was new between us; companionable silence.

Xander stopped in front of his house. He looked pensive and for a moment I thought he was going to say something unpleasant. Then he shook his head slightly and smiled. "See you tomorrow, Deadboy."

"Good night, Xander." I watched him walk to the door and then headed home.

* * *

See, that's just what I said about changes. I thought that my life had changed for good, but boy, was I wrong. That handshake didn't complete the change. It was just the beginning. What would come, would be The Change.

Yes, capital T, capital C.

That night I went back to my big house and spent a few hours thinking about the situation. Not about Thorwald, though. About Xander. We'd just exchanged a few words, but somehow it felt… Profound.

He'd even called me Angel. Stupid of me, but I couldn't stop thinking about that moment he'd said it in the dark alley. And I wondered what had made him change his mind about me. Was it my concern for Buffy? But there was nothing new in that. So what was it? Me acting like one of the 'good guys'? That was hardly new either.

I hate it when I start to wonder about something like that and can't stop twisting and turning the subject in my mind!

I didn't go out again that night. Thorwald had a very good memory, and I was certain he'd remember little old me. And I'd end up chained to the East side of some building, waiting for the first rays of the sun. No thank you. I felt perfectly safe at home, since the 'they can't come inside if not invited'-rule worked with me, too. There was no way in hell I'd ever invite another vampire into my home. I might be many things, but I was not a suicidal fool.

* * *

I was early the next evening. None of the others had arrived at the library yet. I'd had a quick meal and then went straight to see Giles. Of course the Watcher was already in the library. He was muttering something to himself as he organized a pile of books in front of him. "Damn children! I wish they knew how to handle books. Back in England they... Oh, hello, Angel."

I nodded at him and sauntered to a chair. "Any news?"

"No, not exactly. At least nothing that concerns you. Or the others."

Even if he hadn't taken off his glasses and tried to clean them with the hem of his tweed jacket, I would have known that was a lie. "Rupert. Don't lie to me."

He flinched, almost dropping his glasses. "I... Oh, all right. Another body was found this morning."

"And?" I lowered my voice so that it was just a growl.

"And Buffy and the others decided to investigate the matter. They should be here in an hour or so."

What? The sun had set over half an hour ago! Those damn idiots. Buffy wasn't in any condition to slay a fly, not to even mention an old and powerful vampire. "They? Are they all out there?"

Giles nodded. "Don't worry. Xander took an extra bag of stakes and crosses with him. And Willow has a new..."

I didn't care what she had. I got up and barged out of the library. I was half way down the hall before I remembered that I had no idea where to go. I scrambled back to where the Watcher was still standing with a shocked look on his face. "Where are they?"

"I... Oh, my god!" the Watcher stammered.

So I was wearing my game face. No wonder, I hadn't been this mad for months. I had an overwhelming urge to grab his shoulders and shake the answer from him, but I had to at least try to calm down. "I'll ask this just once. Where are they?"

"Bronze. A few blocks from the Bronze, that's where the body was found. As I was saying, Willow..."

I still wasn't interested and this time I made it to the yard without interruptions. I ran through the streets, not minding the noise I made. I just knew I had to get my friends back to the library as soon as I could. Divide and conquer, that had been Thorwald's strategy for centuries. If Buffy and the others were running around, trying to slay him, they'd most likely already been separated from each other somehow. It was easy to ambush a person who didn't have anyone watching his or her back.

Sunnydale isn't really all that big a town, and it didn't take me long to reach the Bronze. Unlike the other day, the place was now packed, and I tried to scan the crowd. In a few minutes I realized that my friends weren't there and rushed back out to continue my search.

I almost got myself seriously hurt when I ran into Willow. Maybe I should have listened to Giles after all. Willow was wearing a big sweater that had a huge cross embroidered onto the front. I recoiled back with disgust.

"Angel! You startled me! I'm testing this new theory about safe clothing. What do you think of the sweater? Does it work? It's not really my style, but Buffy didn't..."

"Shut up and listen. Your life is in danger." If she was alone, the others were probably, too. "Where's Xander? And Buffy?"

"Um, I think Buffy's over there." She gestured with her left hand.

"And Xander?"

"I don't know. He was right here..."

Oh, man! I hoped I wasn't too late. "Get back to the school right now. Don't stop for anything and use well-lit streets. Go!"

She blinked a few times.

" _Go_!" I snarled.

Willow nodded and then hurried away. I watched her run for a moment, making sure she was going in the right direction, and then rushed into the alley she had pointed at. Hearing yells and grunts, I followed the sounds.

Buffy was fighting for her life and she wasn't doing a very good job. She was up against the wall, grimacing with pain as she moved her right arm. Three vampires were stalking her.

I didn't hesitate for a second and jumped in front of the vampires. Buffy yelled my name and I grabbed the stake she threw to me. I impaled one of the other vampires and then rolled out of the way as Buffy threw a vial of holy water into another one's face. It was good that she could aim well with both hands or I could have died. Even so, the water splashed a bit too close to my feet. Two close calls in five minutes. It was definitely not my night.

The third vampire used her brain and ran away.

"Thanks, Angel." Buffy was panting hard. She moved closer to me and winced as she jostled her injured arm. "Have you seen Xander?"

"No."

She looked nauseous. "Damn. He was following one of the vampires. The last time we saw him, he said something about needing to hear more about Thorwald's plan. He didn't explain where he'd heard about it, but I think it's about trying to rule the world." Rolling her eyes, she added, "Like that's new."

That was Thorwald all right. He'd always had delusions of grandeur. "We need a plan before we can go against Thorwald. You go back to the school and stay there. Willow's already there. I'll find Xander."

"Be careful."

I nodded.

It was hard trying to find the boy. I didn't know where Thorwald's gang was staying, and hoped they hadn't taken Xander to their lair. There would be no way to rescue him from there. I was running as fast as I could, but I was getting a bit desperate.

I wondered what the hell the engineers had been thinking when they'd planned this area of the town. There were dozens of narrow alleys crisscrossing and not nearly enough street lamps. It was an almost too ideal place for vampires. I hurried from one alley to another.

As I was entering a particularly dark alleyway, I stumbled into something and fell on my face. So much for the vampiric gracefulness. I looked at the ground and felt shivers run down my spine. The brown bag was all too familiar. It was slightly torn and I could see that it was still full of Xander's vampire-slaying stuff. That meant that he was now somewhere unarmed. I got up and continued running, concentrating all my senses on finding him.

When I finally found him, it was almost too late. I didn't hear or see anything, but I could smell his blood, and followed the scent to a dead end. I growled when I saw a scrawny young boy hunched over an unmoving form, making disgusting slurping noises.

Pulling the other vampire off Xander, I threw him to the wall. I looked around frantically and, after spotting a broken wooden crate, impaled the idiot with a piece of wood.

I was at Xander's side before the body hit the ground and turned into dust.

I wasn't almost too late. I was too late. I wasn't into praying, but I did curse when I saw Xander's neck. The other vampire hadn't drained him, but had ripped his throat open, and his blood was flowing from the wound. I threw my leather jacket off and tore my shirt to get something to use as a pressure bandage, but even as I tried to stop the bleeding, I knew there was nothing I could do. Blood was pulsing out of his artery with every single beat of his heart.

Xander shuddered when he felt my touch and then raised his hands to grab mine. "Help..."

"No, don't speak." I'd seen hundreds of people die like this, but I was still horrified. I didn't want to see this person die. Not now, not like this. My hands were slippery with his blood and it was hard to keep the piece of cloth in place. I was so shocked, I didn't even feel the urge to feed from him. The very thought made me nauseous.

"Ha... to. Info... Take... worl..." he gurgled.

"They're going to try to take over the world?"

Xander looked relieved. "I... know... detai.."

I felt his blood gush over my jeans. Shit! "Xander..."

"Help..."

The whimper tore my heart. "I wish I could. Dear god, Xander, I wish there was something I could do to help you. But I can't do anything. It's too late."

The boy closed his eyes. "Can't die... Have to stop... Need... what I know..."

"You know their plans and you need to tell them to me? I'll listen." He'd have to do it fast. He didn't have much time left. If his story was long or detailed, it was probable that he'd take it with him to his grave.

"No... time..." Xander opened his eyes and looked straight into mine. I could see the determination replace some of his misery. "Give... me... time... to... tell... Buf..."

I froze, certain that I'd heard wrong. Surely he didn't mean what I thought he meant. It had to be something else. But it couldn't be anything else. There was only one way he could tell Buffy or anyone about what Thorwald was planning to do.

"No." I couldn't do that. Not to him. Not to anyone.

"Please..."

He didn't have the strength to say more. I could hear his heartbeat falter and pressed the wound harder. I tried to think of something to say to him. Anything. But I had no words. Nothing could make this all right. Not even telling him about my feelings. It would probably just spoil the last moments he had on earth. At least he didn't have to worry about going to hell. That place wasn't really something you looked forward to.

That gave me an idea. His expression was so pained that I thought I should at least try to explain why I refused to even think about doing what he'd asked. "Xander. I can't take you. Even vampires who have souls will probably go to hell eventually. You don't want to go there." I had no idea if that was true, but I couldn't risk it.

"I'm... one... person... If... he..." He looked desperate. "All... go..."

I couldn't watch him struggle with the words. Besides I had pretty good idea of what he was trying to tell me. "If his plan works, the whole world goes to hell. Is that it?"

Xander tried to nod. "Please... If...I... soulless... kill... me... later."

"I don't think I could do that." And I didn't think Buffy could either.

I didn't want to make this choice. How was I to choose whether to let him die in peace or be in agony for the rest of eternity? The responsibility was too great. Even if he kept his soul when he came back as a vampire, he would be damned. No. Better let him die naturally. In this dark little alley, in my arms.

"I'm sorry, Xander. I can't."

He closed his eyes again, his breathing getting even more shallow. A lone tear trickled down his cheek. "Re'pnsbility. .."

Oh, shit! Even I could understand that sentiment. He felt that saving the world was his duty as the helper of the Slayer.

Could I do it? Could I do the same to him that I'd done to Spike and Dru? Could I take him to the other side, knowing well that no one would thank me for that deed? Not even him? His friends would be horrified at best. In the worst case scenario Buffy would have to hunt her former friend down and kill him. Kill the man I loved.

"I can't..." My voice was choked. I couldn't. It was as simple as that. I couldn't.

I couldn't let him die. If there was any chance that he might survive all this, I'd take it.

"Xander, look at me."

He opened his eyes and focused his gaze on me. He didn't flinch when he saw my game face, but his pupils dilated slightly. I searched his face for any sign of fear or indecision, but found only resolve. He opened his mouth, but I silenced him with a finger over his lips. He was so weak now that the struggle to get out even one word could have been too much.

"Don't say anything. You do understand what you're asking from me, don't you? You want me to make you a vampire so you can help us save the world. And if you're a soulless vampire, you want me to pull the information out of you by any means necessary and then kill you. Is that it? Is that what you really want me to do?"

Xander blinked, more tears spilling to his cheeks.

"If that was 'yes', blink twice."

Looking straight into his eyes, I swallowed as I saw the bright tears shining in his incredibly long lashes. He blinked two times, not breaking the eye contact.

Waiting was unnecessary. Slowly removing my hand from his throat, I lowered my head before he bled to death. The scent of his blood was maddening and before I could think, I lapped the thick, warm liquid from his neck. The taste of his blood was sweet and clear. It was the only thing I could think about.

I tried not to hurt him more, but my fangs still pierced his skin. He didn't even tense. He was beyond pain now.

Xander's heartbeat echoed in my mind, his blood running through my veins. I was closer to him than I had ever wanted to be. And yet, I needed to get even closer. It wasn't enough that he was now a part of me, pulsing through me like a low electrical current. I had to get inside him as well.

The moment had to be right. The second before his heart stopped beating, I slit my own throat open and guided his mouth to the wound. For a terrifying moment he was still. Some people never pass that moment. They just slowly slip away and no amount of vampiric blood could bring them back. A part of me prayed that he was one of those people.

He wasn't. After just a second's hesitation I felt his mouth close on my throat and he started sucking. The dizzy feeling that came from the loss of blood made me sway a little, and I was glad I was already on my knees. That way I didn't break anything when I fell on my face. I sprawled on top of Xander, my whole consciousness filled with him.

I had eaten earlier, but one cup of blood wasn't enough to make a new vampire. I felt out of breath, overwhelmed, and knew that he was draining me. Even though it was one of the hardest things I'd ever done, I pushed him away and then blindly sought his neck again. Like it usually did when someone was given vampire blood, the horrible wound was already healed, and I sank my fangs into that soft, sweaty skin. His arms tightened around me, pulling me closer to him, melding our bodies together. We lay there together and the taste of his... _our_ blood made me almost swoon.

I drank from him, he drank from me, then it was my turn again.

I have no idea how long we spent in that little alley, feeding each other blood and life energy, but it felt like an eternity. When we were finished, I got to my feet and waited for Xander to gather his wits. He hadn't said anything yet, and I was anxious to hear his first words as a vampire.

Would he still have his soul? Was it foolish to even wish for it? Could Willow put a spell on him too, if he didn't have it, curse him with a soul with no clauses, or would I have to fulfill my promise and end his life? And very likely end my own life, as well. Dozens of questions went through my mind, the answer to them all still lying at my feet.

Xander made a strangled noise and I instinctively bent down to see if he was all right. What I saw made me feel a lot better. He was crying. Harsh sounds of desperation, sobs raking his body, tears running down his cheeks. And the most wonderful thing I'd ever seen: Pure, sweet emotion in his eyes. Pain, remorse, fear. Something only a feeling person could have and that couldn't be faked. Something you needed your soul to feel.

I'd seen hell. Now I saw what heaven could be.

I touched his shoulder and he stilled, trying to compose himself. In a few moments he stopped trembling and I helped him up from the cold ground. Not that he'd have even felt the coldness outside his body.

"Angel?" My name was just a whisper.

"It's all right, Xander. You lost your life, but I think you didn't lose your soul." I had no idea why he hadn't. Could it be because I still had mine? Or could it be that my love somehow protected him? A foolishly selfish and romantic thought, but I couldn't banish it from my mind.

"I didn't? Thank god!"

"You didn't. But I think we should ask Willow to put a spell on you anyway so you'll never lose it."

Xander nodded. He ran his hands over his face and then opened his mouth slightly and touched his teeth with the tip of his tongue. "Funny, I don't feel any different."

I couldn't help laughing. His amazed words broke the tension and soon we were both laughing. I restrained myself from ruffling his hair and handed him my leather jacket. His own coat had disappeared somewhere and the only shirt he was wearing was all bloody. He couldn't walk through the town looking like the only survivor of a carnage. I was glad that I had a clean T-shirt on, so I didn't have to run around half naked. I shrugged the remains of my torn silk shirt off, wiping my hands relatively clean on it before throwing it to the ground.

"You're not different. Not much, anyway. You're still a smartass."

"Gee, thanks." He looked at me, still smiling. "I see you're your charming old self too."

"Oh, shut up, Harris." There was no anger in my voice.

Xander took a deep breath. "Right. We should be going back to see the others now."

I nodded. "Let's go. They're all waiting for us in the library." I saw his raised eyebrow --maybe he'd practiced that with Willow-- and explained. "I saw Buffy and Willow and sent them back to Giles. Coming here without a proper plan was one of the most idiotic things you've ever done."

"Can't really argue that. Not in my condition."

Xander's words were so full of pain. "Don't worry. Everything will be all right."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

We didn't stop to get his bag. Most of its contents had spilled out into the street and neither of us could touch the crosses to get all his stuff together. I grabbed two sharp stakes, handing the other one to him, just in case we ran into Thorwald. Then we continued towards the school.

The front door wasn't locked and I stepped inside without hesitation. The door slammed shut right behind me and I turned around to see why Xander hadn't followed me in. Pushing the door open, I sighed when I saw him standing in the yard. He'd wrapped his arms around himself and was shivering.

"What is it?"

"I can't face them. Not now. I... I'm sorry, but this is too much. I just..."

So the shock was only now hitting him with full force. Too bad I couldn't cut him any slack now.

"You just need time? We don't have any. At this very moment Thorwald could be killing another innocent human or he could be sending the whole world straight to hell."

That got his attention. "You're right. That's the reason all this happened. Let's go." He stepped closer to the door and then froze. "Angel?"

"What?" I could really get used to him calling me that. Somehow I didn't think he'd ever call me Deadboy again.

"Can I get inside without..."

I smiled wryly. "You're still a student here, so I think it means you're invited. But just in case, please come in, Alexander Harris."

"Thanks, I guess." He grimaced, and for a moment I thought he'd stick his tongue out at me. I didn't understand why he didn't like the sound of his full name. Alexander, 'man's defender'. I thought it suited him perfectly.

We walked through the empty corridors, our footsteps loud in the quiet building. I matched my steps to his and it sounded like there was only one creature walking. Almost like the sound of our one heartbeat, that we shared for a few seconds in the alley before it disappeared forever. We stopped at the restroom and I went to wash the remaining traces of blood from my hands while he dabbed fairly uselessly at his neck.

Xander didn't really hesitate when we reached the library, but he still let me go in first. I didn't make any comments, just stepped right in.

Buffy, Giles and Willow all turned to look at the door when I stepped in. Buffy rushed to meet me and grabbed my hands. "Thank goodness you're all right. Did you find Xander?"

"He found me all right." Xander's tired voice came from behind me. "And I wouldn't be here without him."

Willow squealed with joy and rushed to hug her oldest friend. When she was passing by me, I remembered what she was wearing and grabbed her arm. "Stop. Don't touch him!"

The three mortals stared at me like I'd lost my mind. I just shrugged and flashed out a dazzling smile. My boyish charm had worked before, so that should do the trick now. It did. Willow's gaze flickered from me to Xander and then back to me. She nodded and I let her go.

Giles cleared his throat. "What happened out there?"

"I think Xander has something to tell us all." I turned to Xander and noticed how unnaturally pale he was, even for a vampire. "About Thorwald and his plans."

"Right." He sounded relieved.

We went to sit around the table. Giles carried all the old books and documents he'd found about Thorwald there and then gave us a short lecture about the vampire. I didn't really listen to him. I already knew all I needed to know about the Scandinavian.

I didn't stare at Xander, but I kept an eye on him. Nothing too obvious, I just wanted to be sure he was all right. He looked like he always did, listening to Giles' story with interest and nodding slightly at the Watcher from time to time. I was glad that Giles had decided to talk about Thorwald first, so that my friend could compose himself before talking about what he'd heard earlier that night.

He would also have to tell the others about his new condition. The next day was a school day and he had to give some explanation for why he wouldn't be able to attend his classes. I was _not_ looking forward to it.

"And so everyone who's made an entry in the journals has come to the conclusion that Thorwald is one of the most dangerous vampires there is." Giles finished his lecture and looked at Buffy.

She nodded. "I only saw him from a distance. At least I think it was him. Tall, blond man who looked like he spent a long time fixing his hair every evening."

I almost laughed at that.

"We managed to kill two of his followers..."

"Three." I think it was safe to put the man who had killed Xander into the same category.

Buffy's eyebrows raised and she looked impressed. "Really? Good. Anyway, we killed three of his followers and if Giles' books are correct, Thorwald won't leave before he's avenged their deaths."

"He won't leave anyway. He's in Sunnydale to use the powers of this place to take over the world." Xander's quiet words made us all turn to him. "I was standing in front of the Bronze when I saw a thin vampire grab one of the girls in our class and drag her into the shadows. I followed them, but before I had the chance to rescue her, they stumbled into Thorwald. I heard the blond guy yelling at the other vampire that he was an idiot to hunt from a crowd and that he'd expose them all. The skinny one whined that he was hungry and that he was tired of winos. Thorwald roared that maybe he wasn't really suited to be one of his 'men' if he couldn't wait until the Equinox to have a proper meal."

Giles looked surprised. "The Spring Equinox? Why?"

"Thorwald has something called the Tear of Odin, and he's going to seize the power of the world with it."

"Odin's Tear?" The Watcher frowned and got to his feet. Then he scurried to the bookshelf where he kept all the mythological books. In just a few seconds he returned with a beautiful leather-bound book.

We waited silently as he browsed through the book. Then he found the right chapter. He read quietly for a few moments and when he lifted his gaze from the book, his face was white.

"That bad?" Buffy asked.

"We're in trouble. It says here that the Tear of Odin is one of the most powerful crystals in the world. It's no bigger than a man's heart, but if someone can harness its powers, he can rule the whole world with it. Listen. 'If a man holds the Tear over a cup of innocent blood in the right place at the right time, and says the proper prayer, he will have the power over all the demons and soulless children of the night. He shall be the master of everything unholy.' That sounds rather frightening."

Like Xander would say, no shit, Einstein.

I saw Xander nod. "They talked about the ceremony. It's definitely held here."

Buffy shook her head. "We have over a week until the Equinox. We can still stop them."

At least this time we had a solid time frame and it wasn't anything like 'in the next five minutes'.

"How can we do that?"

"I have no idea."

I was thinking fast. "We have to kill Thorwald, but that's not enough. We also have to get the Tear and make sure no one can use it again. Is there anything in the book that might help us to destroy it?"

Giles moved the pages and then smiled. "It says here that the only way to break the Tear is by the power of Freya."

"Who?"

Willow chuckled at her friend's dumbfound expression. "She's the goddess of love in Scandinavian mythology, Buffy."

"Oh. So we need to find some lovebirds to destroy it?" Buffy sounded incredulous. "Isn't that a bit too much?"

I didn't say anything, just made damn sure that my eyes didn't stray to the young man next to me. Too bad unrequited love probably wouldn't work. Well, at least we had Willow and Oz.

Giles shook his head. "I'm not sure. It could mean that, but it could also mean that we need to make some ritual before Freya and then smash the Tear. I think we should get familiar with Scandinavian mythology before we make any further plans."

"Great," Willow groaned. "This is gonna be a loooong night."

"Don't whine. We haven't got much time and..."

"There's something else you should know."

We had completely forgotten that Xander hadn't finished his story. I cursed silently. Of course there had to be more. He wouldn't have asked me to vampirize him if the only things he needed to say to us were 'Tear of Odin' and 'Thorwald'. He would have been able to say that even with the torn throat. The thought made me shiver.

"I don't know why Thorwald and his goon didn't notice me, but I was able to follow them through the alleys. They were dragging the girl with them and I was determined to see if I could still help her. Then I lost sight of them and stumbled into Buffy."

The Slayer nodded. "And I told you not to go after them."

"I had to." Xander sighed. "And it was good I went. I heard something that might help us with our work. First of all, the vampires have the Tear, but they need to get the cup too. Apparently it has to be a certain cup. Thorwald thinks it's buried somewhere in the cemetery. And it can be found only when the moon is full."

"Full moon? It's two nights from now."

"Yeah. Second, he has his eyes on an innocent person. A certain innocent person. Someone we all know."

Buffy flinched as he turned to stare at her. "Me? But I'm not all _that_ innocent!"

I was definitely not looking at her, because yes, I knew that.

"You're innocent enough. You're fighting against the Forces of Darkness. That'll do." Giles shut the book and glanced at Xander. "Anything else? What happened to the girl?"

"I couldn't save her. At that point, just after Thorwald had left the other vampire and taken her with him, I tried to follow them but I stumbled over an old wooden box and fell. The skinny vampire heard that and attacked me. Angel saved me and we came here."

The mortals looked at me and I shrugged. It wasn't my place to tell them about what had really happened.

Giles rubbed his temples. "Splendid. Now, we should get all the information available on Thorwald, the Tear and Scandinavian mythology. We also need to find out where to find the cup. If we can destroy it, the Tear probably won't work. Willow, you search everything about Odin and Freya. Xander, you look into the Tear. Buffy, the cup. I'll see if I can find out something more about Thorwald." He looked at me hesitantly.

"I'll help too." I couldn't leave without Xander. He needed me.

The Watcher looked surprised. "Really? Well, you can help Willow with the mythology."

Willow yawned and then stretched. "I'm going to go and get some soda first. I'll fall asleep if I don't get any caffeine. You want something?"

"Thanks, Willow. Bring me a Coke too." Buffy grinned. "I'll even pay for it."

"Giles?"

"No thank you."

"Xander?"

I half expected that he'd say that he doesn't drink... _Coke_ , like some bad Dracula impersonator, but he just shook his head. "Nah. I'm okay."

Willow nodded and then went to find the vending machine.

The others went to search for the books. I got up too and paced for a while, but I couldn't really concentrate on that. I was too upset to be worried.

I heard a 'thud' and then Xander cursed silently. Without thinking, I rushed to see what had happened. He was standing next to a huge book that had just barely missed his toes when it had fallen down. He looked disgusted and then bent down to pick it up. "Could you help me wi..." His eyes widened as he lifted the book quite easily.

I grabbed the book just as it slipped out of his nerveless fingers. I placed it on the shelf and then sighed. "You knew that vampires are stronger than mortals."

"Yes, but it's another thing to actually be able to lift that monster like it's just a piece of paper."

"Xander. When are you going to tell the others?"

"When I'm ready."

"And when is that? In five minutes? An hour? Tomorrow? Next week? When?"

He looked angrier than I'd ever seen him. "That's none of your business!"

"Xander..."

"Stop it!" he hissed, his fangs flashing in the soft light. When he realized that his face had twisted into that gruesome mask, he gasped and then began to hyperventilate.

I must say that seeing Xander in all his vampiric 'glory' startled me too. I stepped closer to him and put my hand tentatively on his shoulder. When he didn't pull back, I hugged him tight. "Hush. Try to calm down. It'll be all right. Just calm down and your face will be normal again."

He shook for a moment and then took a deep breath. As soon as he stopped shaking I let him go. Trying to cope with being a vampire was hard enough for him without having another vampire there pawing him. When he looked up, his face was wet, but looked completely human.

"Thanks." He gave me a wobbly smile. "I seem to be thanking you all the time now."

"I can handle it. You okay?"

"No. But I will be. Ask me again in a century or two." Xander looked sad. "This is really hard, you know."

I did. "Yeah. I shouldn't have pushed you. Sorry."

He looked at me with his mouth slightly open and he looked so kissable I had to get away from him before I did something stupid. I patted his shoulder and returned to the table.

Willow came back with two bottles and a few candy bars and she was opening the bottles when the others walked to the table, all carrying books. Willow handed the opened bottle to Buffy and then grabbed the other one. She worked with the cap, looking at Xander with a small frown. Then she turned to me.

"Angel? Why is Xander wearing your jacket? And why are you dressed in that?"

Buffy and Giles looked at Xander and then turned to me. The Brit's mouth twitched a little at the sight of me trying to look like running around in a T-shirt was something I was used to. I didn't know what to say to the mortals and just stood there.

Xander laughed nervously. "I lost my jacket when that vampire attacked me. Angel was kind enough to give me his."

If he didn't want to raise any suspicions, that was definitely the worst thing he could say.

"Xander? Are you all right? You just said something nice about Angel."

The boy looked at Willow and shrugged. "So?"

"Nothing."

Buffy smiled at me. "You were nice to do that for Xander. It's really cold out there."

"Yeah."

"But I don't understand why you're still wearing it. It's not cold in here." Giles cocked his head.

Of course he had to say that. Xander looked at me and then sighed. "No. It's not cold in here." He closed his eyes and then slowly peeled the jacket off.

The three mortals gasped. Xander's shirt was torn and it was really hard to miss all the dried blood on the front. He didn't look at his friends as he handed the jacket to me. I took it and draped it over the back of the chair. Then I sat down. "So, can we now continue with the matter at hand?"

Buffy walked closer to Xander and reached out with her hand. "My god, Xander. What happened?"

"I already told you. A vampire attacked me and Angel saved me."

Willow joined Buffy and pushed Xander's collar aside. There were no marks on his throat. She laughed with relief and tried to hug her friend.

Everything went to hell in a handbasket. Xander yelped and stumbled back. He landed on his ass and cringed when Willow bent down to see if he was all right. I jumped to pull her away from Xander. "Don't touch him! You'll kill him with that damn sweater of yours." He was so young, he could actually die from that.

There was a shocked silence. Everyone stared at me. Xander had covered his eyes with his hand and was making small whimpering sounds. I went to help him up and was surprised to see that his face was normal when he looked up at me. He was laughing hysterically.

I guided him back to the table and then turned to the mortals. "Sit down. We need to talk."

"Whose blood is that?" Buffy's voice was quiet. She didn't move one step closer to the table. Neither did the others. They just stared at me.

Xander answered her question. "It's my blood. The vampire who attacked me tore my throat and was draining me when Angel found us. I would have died if he hadn't intercepted."

"But there are no marks on your throat. Are you sure he really managed to bite you?" Willow's words were plaintive. It was like she needed to hear some explanation, that she would _believe_ any explanation, as long as it wasn't the most obvious. As long as it wasn't the truth. "What if you just thought that he bit you? I mean it can be pretty frightening to be held down by a vampire."

"Willow. He bit me. I was there."

"And yet you're okay! I don't understand."

"Willow..."

"You miserable bastard!" Buffy screamed suddenly and grabbed a stake from the table. She raised it and advanced me slowly. "What the hell did you do to Xander?"

I couldn't say anything to defend myself. I'd known that everyone would hate me for what I'd done. The fact that she now wanted to kill me didn't surprise me at all.

She was so close that if she wanted to, she could impale me with the stake. I didn't move a muscle. I couldn't fight her back. Her arm was already injured and she could get really hurt if she fell on that piece of wood. Even though I didn't love her in a romantic sense anymore, I still cared for her very deeply. I couldn't hurt her, ever.

Then I didn't have to worry about fighting her when Xander stepped between us, shielding me with his body.

"Get out of my way, Xander!" Buffy snarled.

"No." His voice was calm. "If you start slaying vampires here, you'll have to start with me. Angel just did what I asked him to do."

"No..."

"Yes. I had to do this. I had to tell you about Thorwald's plans. There was nothing else I could do."

The stake fell to the floor and Buffy followed it a second later. She rocked herself back and forth, making a keening sound. I wanted to hold her, but knew she didn't want me near her. I stood still with Xander while Giles and Willow went to help her.

Xander turned to me and the look on his face hit me hard. He looked so lost. "Angel, please can we go now? Please?"

I wanted to take him away from there, but I knew that if we left now, he'd never have the courage to come back. I shook my head. "We can't leave now. They're your friends. They'll understand." I hoped I was right.

He walked to Giles' counter, his shoulders drooping. I didn't move. I waited for Buffy to stop crying and then walked slowly to her.

Willow looked at me with hurt in her eyes, and Giles glared at me, and then they stepped away from us. I squatted down next to Buffy. "I didn't do it to hurt you. I didn't plan to do it. I'd never do anything to hurt you or your friends."

"Then why did you do it?"

I couldn't really tell her the truth.

"He did it because I begged him to."

We all looked at Xander. He had turned back to us and was smiling sadly. "The skinny vampire attacked me and I didn't have my bag with me. I'd dropped it when I followed Thorwald. I know, it was idiotic, but the stakes and crosses made this little rattling noise and I needed to be very quiet. So I didn't have any weapons."

"You don't have to..." Willow started and then fell silent when Xander shook his head.

"Yes I do. And you have to hear it. He pushed me down on my back and then bit my neck. It hurt for a moment, but then all the pain went away. I was paralyzed and the only thing I could feel was pressure on my neck when he sucked the blood from me."

It was crazy, but that made me jealous. I didn't want anyone else but me to even touch him. Ever.

"And the only thing that really hurt was the thought that I wouldn't be able to tell you about Thorwald's plan. And that I'd never have the chance to tell..." He smiled wryly. "You all how... um, you know."

That made Willow smile. "We all love you too."

I knew I did.

Xander moved a little towards her and then stopped. Willow snorted and then grabbed the hem of her sweater. She pulled it over her head with one fluid movement and threw it to the ground. Then she rushed to hug her friend. I had to swallow when I saw the look on Xander's face. At least he hadn't lost everything.

When Willow let him go, Giles stepped closer to him. "I'm glad I didn't lose one of my best researc assistants." He looked a bit embarrassed, patting Xander's shoulder.

"Yeah, I'm good at that," Xander said, clearly finding it easier to deal with the praise when he could laugh at it. "What would you do without having me to carry stuff around?"

Giles' lips twitched into a small smile, but he didn't say anything.

"Why did you step between Angel and the stake?" Buffy was standing now, squeezing her hands into fists. "Is it because he made you into what you are?"

Xander cocked his head. "No. I just didn't want you to kill a friend. You would have hated yourself afterwards."

"So you still have your soul? How can that be?"

Xander looked at me and I shrugged. "We don't know. I think Willow should put a spell on him anyway, so that he never loses it."

"Of course I will. That's what friends are for." She said it to Xander, not even glancing at me.

Buffy sighed. "What happens next? You can't come to school. You can't go back home. How will you explain to others that you only go out at night? If you stay here in Sunnydale, people will talk."

It was almost as if she wanted to hurt us both on purpose. Maybe she did. Couldn't really blame her.

"I don't know..."

"We'll work something out. He can stay with me for a while."

I shrugged when I felt everyone's eyes on me. What did they think? That I'd just leave him to figure this all out by himself? I wouldn't have done that even if I didn't love him. But then again, I wouldn't have made him a vampire in the first place if I didn't have any feelings towards him.

Buffy looked like she wanted to argue with that, but then she sighed. She walked to Xander, not touching him, but showing him that she wasn't mad or afraid of him. "Sorry, Xander. I was way out of line. It's just that... "

Xander nodded. "I know. It's cool."

"I'm sorry to interrupt this, but I'd really like to hear the rest of your story. No one has ever written down what being bitten by and then becoming a vampire felt like." Giles obviously wanted to get over all the emotional stuff. It worked. We all returned to the table and the Watcher grabbed a pencil and a sheet of paper. "You said that the vampire started to drain you."

"Right. I felt weak and couldn't struggle. Then Angel was there and everything was all right."

I think I blushed. A blushing vampire. I hope Giles didn't write that down.

"He killed the other vampire and then tried to stop me from bleeding to death."

Giles looked surprised. He turned to me. "You could do that even with all the blood in front of you?"

"Yes." I didn't elaborate. It wasn't their business. Usually the scent of that much blood would have made any ordinary vampire crazy with hunger. But this was different. It was _Xander's_ blood we were talking about. And let's face it, I'm no ordinary vampire.

Xander glanced at me. "Do you mind if I tell them everything that happened?"

"He'd better not!" Buffy's voice was icy.

"No. Go ahead." Actually I wanted to hear it, too.

He nodded. "I knew from the look on his face that I didn't have a prayer. I was toast. But I knew I couldn't die there. Not if I had any chance to warn you guys. So I asked him to give me time. I couldn't speak very well because of my torn throat, but he understood what I was asking. He said no." Xander glanced at me and smiled.

I felt a lump on my throat.

"I asked him again. Begged actually. And he asked if I understood what I was asking. And I said yes."

Buffy looked at me suspiciously. "Is that what happened?"

More or less. "Yes."

The ice in her eyes melted slightly, but her gaze was still hard. She nodded and then turned back to Xander.

"Then he made me a vampire."

"How?"

Xander was quiet for a moment and then he shook his head. "I don't think I'm ready to talk about that yet. It was so... I don't know how to describe it. He drank my blood and then I drank his, but there was more..."

So he had felt it too. That intimacy, the deep knowledge of the other. It wasn't something that was there with every sire when they made a childe. Actually, I'd never felt it before. "It's really not something you can understand if you haven't gone through it yourself." It was hard for me to get it, too, even though I'd been there.

"And when it was over, I was surprised that I didn't feel different. I was just like I'd always been. And I still don't have any urge to kill anyone or drink people's blood. I'm still the same old Xander." He glanced at me and after I nodded, he shrugged. "That's about it."

Giles was scribbling something down frantically and then looked at us with an awed expression on his face. "This is really amazing. To hear a detailed story like this... Wonderful! Thank you both."

Xander smiled. "You're welcome."

It was so ridiculous. I began to laugh. A few moments later Xander joined me and then we were all laughing. It was a bit hysterical, but it felt good anyway.

Willow yawned. Giles noticed it and stood up. "I think we should call it a night. We won't be able to accomplish anymore tonight. How about if we all gather here tomorrow right after the sun sets? We need to try to stop Thorwald from getting that cup."

"You're right. We're in no condition to think straight. And we can't really do anything before the full moon anyway. I don't think it's wise to go after Thorwald if even half of what the books say is true." Willow nudged Buffy. "Let's go."

Buffy looked like she wanted to say something more, but then she nodded. They went to gather their belongings and I whispered to Xander that we should go now.

We disappeared into the night. Not very far, though. We hid in the shadows and then followed the girls home. It wasn't all that hard. They were both so upset that they didn't pay any attention to two friendly vampires sneaking around behind them. That wasn't exactly a good thing.

When Willow had disappeared into her house, I turned to Xander. "Let's go."

"Where?"

"To my place. I thought we agreed that you'll stay with me now."

He looked a little sad. "I can go home. My parents are out of town. Once again."

"No. We need to talk. You need to eat."

He shuddered, but didn't say anything. He just started to walk towards my house. I followed him quietly. I had no idea what he was thinking about. No wonder, since I wasn't sure of my own thoughts either. Not to mention my feelings.

When we reached my house, I opened the door and then casually invited him in. So much for keeping other vampires out. He nodded and then crossed the threshold.

I gestured towards the bedroom. "You'll find some clean clothes in the closet. The bathroom's right over there, if you want to take a shower. I'll be in the kitchen."

"Fine." He disappeared into the bedroom.

I was feeling ravenous. After rummaging through the fridge I put two cups of blood in the microwave oven. Blood wasn't really all that bad cold, but the aroma and the taste were perfect when it was heated, even in the microwave. I sipped my dinner and sighed. It felt good to have something warm inside, even if the warmth didn't last for long. When I'd finished with the first cup, I decided that since I'd lost almost all I'd eaten earlier when I made Xander a vampire, I could indulge myself, and poured myself another one.

I was tapping the microwave's control keys when Xander came into the kitchen. His hair was slightly damp. He looked tired and I gestured at him to take a seat. Then I handed him his cup. "Eat slowly so you don't get sick."

He stared at the cup and then gagged. "I can't drink that! It's _blood_!"

"Yes, it's blood. It's what vampires eat. You're a vampire. Eat."

That made him spill half the contents of the cup on the white tablecloth. He stared at the red stain and then lowered the cup to the table. "I don't think I can handle this."

I wanted to comfort him, but couldn't think of any way to do that. I'd never seen this happen to another vampire before, but if he felt anything like I had after I'd gotten my soul back it had to be dreadful. And I had to be the one to keep him in line. I really didn't want to wake up the next evening and find out that he'd taken a stroll in the sun.

"Xander, listen to me. You asked me to make you a vampire because you wanted to keep Buffy and the others safe. Thorwald's still alive. If you don't eat, you can't help us fight against him."

There was misery in his eyes again. "I know."

"It's no worse than a rare steak. It's not human blood. No one, nothing had to die just for you." I took his cup and lifted it up so he could smell it better. "Close your eyes."

He looked a little stunned, but did as I asked. I moved the cup slowly under his nose, not saying anything that might frighten him, just making sure that he couldn't escape the scent of warm blood. His new instincts did the rest. His hands came up as if they were drawn to the cup and he grabbed it, guiding it to his mouth. I didn't let go until he'd swallowed the last drop.

I was mesmerized by the look that came to his face when he finally opened his eyes. It was half disgust, half wonder. "I never thought it would taste like that."

"I know. I'm sorry I had to force you, but..."

"No sweat." He glanced at my cup. "You haven't finished yours."

Looking him straight in the eyes, I raised the cup to my lips and let the warm liquid pour down my throat. I had never felt so self-conscious about eating before. I swallowed and then wiped my mouth on a napkin.

That gesture made Xander smile. "Well, at least we're not totally barbaric."

"You know a lot about vampires, but you don't know everything. Some of us really do live in crypts and sleep in coffins. I think it's a trend or something. I live here. I have a very comfortable bed where I sleep. And I don't eat human blood."

"And where do I sleep while I stay here? Do you have a guest bedroom?"

Actually I did, but it wasn't such a room a vampire could spend the day in. Huge windows, no lock on the door. I shook my head. "You can sleep in my room. It's the safest place here. No windows. You can take the bed. I'll sleep on the floor."

Xander looked shocked. "You don't have to do that. It's your bed, I can sleep on the floor."

This conversation was uncomfortably familiar. "Whatever makes you feel comfortable. Let's wash the dishes and then we can talk."

We washed the dishes and put them out to dry. It was strange to be doing something that domestic with someone else. We didn't talk, we just cleaned. More companionable silence, I guess. Xander usually chattered like a chipmunk, especially when he was nervous, but this silence wasn't forced or strained. We were simply both so lost in thoughts we didn't find it necessary to fill the silence with small talk.

I showed him the house after the kitchen was spotless. Yes, he'd been there before, but he hadn't seen everything, like the wash room. I tossed the bloody tablecloth into the sink to soak in cold water and told him dryly that it would be his job to wash it.

This time he did stick his tongue out at me.

Finally the only place left was the bedroom. I glanced at the clock while we stepped inside and then locked the door behind us. I do that every morning. This time I also hid the key. I'm a light sleeper, but I didn't want to take any chances. Like I said, I didn't want to wake up to find that Xander had accidentally --or worse, on purpose-- gotten a bit too much sun.

"It's about half an hour until sunrise. I think we should get to bed and continue this when we wake up."

That big talk could wait until dusk. I didn't think he could handle any more information that night.

He nodded. "Yeah, sure. Whatever."

"Xander?"

"Yeah, I'm okay. It's just that all this happened so fast! Day before yesterday we weren't even talking to each other and now we're roommates. And I'm a vampire. How the hell did that happen?"

I wished I had an answer for him. "I don't know. I guess things just change."

"Right. But why now? Why me?"

"I don't know if you've noticed, but these last few years have been hectic around here. You know, witches, werewolves, vampires and other creeps running on the streets. I think it has something to do with this place."

Xander looked at me like he thought I'd finally lost my mind and then began to laugh. "Yeah. Strange how I hadn't noticed that before. Thanks for pointing it out to me."

"You're welcome."

He shook his head, still chuckling, and then began to make himself a place to sleep. There was a blanket on an armchair, where I sometimes read during the day if I couldn't sleep, and a few extra pillows. He glanced at me, waiting for my nod of approval, and then laid them on the floor. I turned my back to him when he began to undress. I didn't want to make the situation any more awkward, and a raging hard on would have definitely shattered even the illusion of easy camaraderie.

I stripped, leaving only my boxers on, and then slipped between the sheets. Turning the light off, I lay down. There was no light in the room, but it wasn't completely dark for me. I lay on my back, staring at the ceiling. I wasn't all that tired and knew that it would be a while until I could get some sleep.

So much had happened that night. Xander was right. I'd just barely started to get used to the idea that he didn't hate my guts and now... It was a miracle that he could feel anything besides hatred towards me. Towards anyone actually. I wasn't sure how that made me feel, though. As long as he'd been a mortal, he'd been a fantasy. Now he was like me and, in a way, the fantasy had become a need.

I'd been so lonely ever since the first time I got my soul back. Wallowing in remorse, eating Miss Rat's ancestors and feeling sorry for myself wasn't really all that good a basis for a serious relationship.

The loneliness hadn't disappeared until I met Whistler and then Buffy. In just a few years I'd made more real friends than I'd had in all the 200 odd years I'd already walked the earth.

But I still wanted something more. I wanted someone. And the one my stupid heart had picked was now lying a few feet away from my bed. I felt bad for Xander. In time he'd feel loneliness as crushing as my own. Friendship with mortals wouldn't last forever, and you couldn't really be friends with our kind.

Maybe we could find solace in each other. But in a way that would be even worse than loneliness. It would be too hard to live with him for centuries just as a friend, and becoming lovers just because we both knew that we didn't have anyone else to be with for the rest of our lives... No way! I'd rather run head first into a brick wall. A brick wall that had a huge cross painted on it.

I heard a rustling sound, like someone was trying to get into a more comfortable position. Turning my head to the side, I watched as Xander fidgeted on the very hard nest he'd made for himself. That was really ridiculous. We were both grown vampires and this kind of bashfulness would only lead to him having a sore back.

I watched his tossing and turning for a while, smiling to myself when I heard him whisper a curse.

"Xander?"

"What?"

"Are you comfortable down there?" I couldn't keep the laughter out of my voice.

"I'm just fine."

I was quiet for a moment. "Xander?"

" _What_?" He sounded annoyed.

"Are you sure you don't need another blanket?"

"You little..." He muttered a few profanities and then ground out from between his teeth. "I'm _fine_!"

"No you're not. I've slept on the floor a few times in my life and it's awful. I was so stiff the next day I could hardly walk. And that's bad, considering that we heal a lot faster than mortals."

He grunted and turned his back on me.

"Do you fear me, Xander? Or do I disgust you somehow?" I hadn't planned on saying the second sentence, it just slipped out. I could have bitten my tongue off. I didn't want to sound like a whining idiot.

His voice was curious. "No. Why?"

"Come here, you fool. The bed is big enough for the both of us."

At first I was sure he wouldn't even consider my invitation. Then he sighed and got up from the floor. "Thanks, Angel." Grabbing his pillow and the blanket, he climbed in next to me.

We lay quietly, side by side. Not touching, but not really avoiding each other's touch. It was strange to share my bed with someone else. At least with another vampire.

"Angel? Are you awake?"

I had an urge to answer 'no', but it was really too old a joke to be even slightly amusing. "Yes, Xander."

"I've been wondering... Why are you doing all this?"

"I already told you."

He propped himself up on an elbow. "Actually you didn't. You said it was about friendship, but I doubt you would have done this to Willow or Buffy."

There was nothing I could say that wouldn't hurt him. "Just go to sleep. We'll talk about this in the evening."

"I need to know. I can't sleep with this bothering me."

"All right. I made you a vampire because you asked and I had no choice but to do as you wanted me to do."

"What?" He sounded incredulous. "You made me a vampire simply because I asked you to?"

"It's not that simple. If you had asked me yesterday, or any other regular day, I would have refused. But tonight it was a choice between letting you die or doing what you asked. So I brought you into the darkness."

He was quiet for a moment. Then he asked quietly, "If I had lost my soul, would you have killed me?"

"It wouldn't have been you."

"Whatever. Would you have killed what was left of me?"

"Yes."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome. Now shut up and get some sleep."

He chuckled and then settled into a better position. "Good... day."

"Sweet dreams."

* * *

Now when I'm thinking about that first day of his vampiric existence, I just have to say that my self-restraint still amazes me. I'd wanted Xander for a long time and now he was lying right there next to me. In my _bed_. And what did I do?

Nothing.

When he was lying beside me, snoring in his sleep, I spent hours thinking about him and how special he was. The fact that he was still sane even though he knew what it meant to be a vampire. That he still had a soul, like I did. And, of course, what amazed me most was the sound that broke the silence in the dark bedroom. I'd never heard a vampire snore before. Grunts or growls, yes. A real snore, no.

The other thing that kept me awake was the fear of what would happen when I woke up.

About two minutes after he'd fallen asleep, Xander turned around and draped his body all over mine, like you sometimes hug your blanket when it's a really warm night. Or day, in my case. His body wasn't as warm as it had been when he was still alive, but it wasn't overly cold against my skin either. I enjoyed the feel of it very much. Too much actually. I was terrified of what would happen if he woke up, still in my arms, and realized that I was... interested in something other than sleeping.

Of course I couldn't stay awake the whole day. I fell into a slumber and didn't wake up until Xander's frantic screams brought me back to this world.

* * *

Good thing that I was used to waking up abruptly. Otherwise someone could have gotten hurt. I snapped out of sleep when I heard someone yelling in sheer panic. Jumping out of the bed, I ran to the door on which Xander was banging desperately, screeching that he had to get out of there.

I tried to calm him down, but he wouldn't listen to me. Finally I had to pin him against the wall to stop him from hurting me with his flailing arms. It was good that I didn't keep anything sharp in my bedroom.

"Xander. Look at me. It's all right. Hush... Calm down."

He stopped shouting, but he was still shaking like a leaf.

"What is it?"

"Dark. Too dark."

I pulled him with me as I went to the light switch. When the little room was bathed in dim light, my friend seemed to calm down. I let go of him and then returned to sit on my bed.

Xander scratched his head and then began to pace. He looked like a caged panther. I didn't say anything but let him set his own pace for this confrontation. When I saw that he'd walk for some time, I lay down on the bed.

"You must think I'm a real sissy."

That jerked me up again.

I think he saw the shock in my face and explained. "Being afraid of the dark like some baby."

"Being a vampire doesn't mean that you can't be afraid. I know I am most of the time."

That made him stop pacing. "What?"

"Think about it. I spend most of my time fighting against all kinds of monsters. I've seen horrors beyond those conceived by the most twisted imagination. I've _been_ one of those horrors. Now I have friends to worry about. Every time you and the others go against the darkness, I'm so scared I could puke. I don't want to lose any of you."

"Really?"

"Really." I was after all over two centuries old. I was old and --don't laugh-- wise enough to know that you don't lose anything by admitting that you're afraid. "I was scared shitless yesterday, when I thought you'd die."

He didn't say anything. He just looked down at his feet.

"Do you want to tell me what frightened you, or was it just this whole situation?"

Xander looked at me hesitantly and I patted the mattress next to me. He smiled a little and then climbed back into bed. This time I noticed that he deliberately left about two feet between us and then wrapped the blanket around his shoulders.

"I had a nightmare. Funny, I never thought that vampires could have those."

I shivered. "We can." I wish we couldn't. I'd give anything if I could never again have a nightmare.

"I dreamt that I was one of those stereotypical vampires. That I hunted for people and then crawled into my coffin to sleep. I woke up thinking that I was in a coffin, and it was dark and I couldn't get the door open. I just freaked out."

"Sorry about the door. I always keep it locked." I didn't think it would be wise to tell him that I had expected something like this. "Are you all right now?"

"I guess so. What do we do now?"

I didn't think he wanted to hear what came to my mind first. I glanced at the clock and shrugged. "The sun hasn't set yet, so I think we'd better go back to sleep."

Xander grimaced. "Any other suggestions?"

"We could have..." Don't even _think_ about saying that! "Our little talk now."

"Okay. Um... Is there a standard speech for new vampires or is this just like a conversation?"

I had to laugh a little. "No, there's no speech. Actually I have no idea what to tell you. You already know so much about vampires and it's all normal to me. Maybe you should ask me questions and I'll try to answer them."

"Cool." He thought for a moment, a cute little frown on his forehead. "Well, I guess I already know all about how to kill a vampire and how vampires eat and such. Or is there something you've kept a secret?"

"No. No secrets." Not about vampirism anyway.

"What was that I... ate last evening? You said it wasn't human blood."

I saw that he really wanted to know. If he could ask, he could handle the answer. "Cow. It was cow's blood. I also eat pig, sheep and even chicken."

"Rats?"

"No. Not anymore. I don't eat poodles either." I must say that the movie still makes me laugh. If being a vampire was really _that_ melancholic, we'd all march into the sunlight in a row. "Basically you can eat anything that's once been alive. Anything that has blood, that is. It's just in another package. A cup of cow's blood isn't all that different from a hamburger."

His face fell. "So I can never again eat real stuff?"

"You can eat, but it'll make a mess. You can't digest normal food anymore." I didn't elaborate. I guess he understood anyway. "Anything else?"

"What about feelings? I don't know, like, let's say for example… It's a feeling like any other… Not like I've really thought about this or anything, but… Can I still, um, love?" The last bit was just a breathless gasp. No wonder after all that preamble.

I hadn't expected that. But maybe I should have. "I know I can. And I've heard others use the word. Spike and Dru for instance. But I don't know if they can really love someone. Not the way people think about love."

"So is that yes or no?" Xander looked uncomfortable. "I mean since I still have my soul and all."

"I don't know. Did you love someone yesterday, before you became a vampire?"

He looked away from me and whispered, "Yes."

Ouch. I didn't really need to hear that. "Do you still love her?"

"I still love... Yes." A smile lit up his face. "That's great!"

"No it's not." I spoke before I could think. "Sometimes it's a curse rather than a blessing. Especially when you love someone who doesn't love you. If you can still love, you can still feel pain too."

Xander looked shocked. Then he hesitantly reached out with his hand and touched my arm. His touch was light, but even a thousand soft words wouldn't have touched me more deeply. "Sorry. I didn't want to open any old wounds."

"It's okay. Was there anything else you wanted to know?" I really didn't want to continue talking about this.

He thought for a moment. "Can I still help Buffy and the others?"

"Of course."

"But how can I live here now that I can't go out during the day? Buffy was right, people _will_ talk if they only see me at night. And I haven't even finished High School yet. Am I gonna stay stupid for the rest of my life?"

"Uneducated."

"Huh?"

"You're not stupid. The word you're looking for is uneducated. We have to talk to Giles, but I'm sure we can work it out. What about your parents?"

Xander removed his hand from my arm. "I don't want to talk about them."

"You don't have to talk about them. Just think about it. It's best to be prepared for every possibility."

"Whatever. Change the subject."

"How long can you stay here with me?" Once again something I hadn't planned on saying, yet there it was, hanging between us like a specter.

"At least for two weeks. My parent's will be gone for the rest of the month. I can stay that long, if that's okay, I mean."

"You can stay as long as you want." Oh, please god, tell me my voice wasn't really that husky. "You still have much to learn. Practical things, like where to get your meal. Or new clothes."

"What's wrong with the ones I have?"

"I suppose they're all right for a normal teenager, but no self respecting vampire would ever wear something like that." I gestured towards the hideous yellow bloodstained shirt he'd left on the chair before taking a shower the previous morning.

Xander began to laugh. "I can't believe we're having this conversation! My whole life has just changed and you're giving me fashion tips!"

"One has to concentrate on what's important!" I grinned and then got up. "Let's go. I think it's time to get moving."

The sun hadn't set yet, but the route from my bedroom to the kitchen was safe. This time Xander didn't even grimace when I put the cup in front of him and we ate in silence. We hadn't bothered to dress yet, mostly because I didn't want any more bloodstained clothing if he panicked again. It was a bit surreal to sit in my kitchen, wearing just boxers and a T-shirt, sipping warm blood with Xander. Surreal, but nice. I could get used to it.

After eating, we went back to the bedroom and I selected us something to wear. Xander quirked up an eyebrow when I handed him black jeans and a silk shirt, similar to what I grabbed for myself, but he didn't object. He did mutter something about vampires and their strange fashion sense, though.

I didn't care. As long as I could see his gorgeous body in those sensuous clothes, I could handle all the sarcastic remarks he'd make. Of course, I'd rather see him without any clothes at all. Well, this was the second-best option.

Sometimes I'm so cheesy I even nauseate myself.

The last rays of the setting sun made the horizon blood red, and a few minutes later it was completely dark. We strolled towards the school. A few blocks before we reached our destination, I heard someone yell my friend's name.

"Xander! Oh, Xander, I'm so sorry!"

We turned to see who the apologizer was and a second later one of Cordelia's old friends flung herself at Xander. She was sniffing delicately, so that her eyeliner didn't make a mess, but it sounded like she was genuinely upset about something.

"I just heard today. Poor, dear Xander. Why didn't you ever tell us about it?"

Xander looked at me over her shoulder. I shrugged. I had no idea of what she was talking about.

He patted her back. "It's all right, Ophelia. Calm down."

"You're so brave! Just to think that you can never walk in the sun! You must feel horrible!" The girl gushed and held Xander tighter. "And all of this happening so fast. I'm so sorry!"

What? How did she know about it? She wasn't the kind of a person who could be trusted with this information. I was ready to explode, but then I realized that if she knew that he was now a vampire, she wouldn't be hugging him. "It's all right."

She let go of Xander and glared at me, measuring me with her gaze. "It's easy for you to say that. You don't have the syndrome." Then she turned her eyes back to my friend.

"The syndrome?"

"The one that prevents you from going out during the day. I heard Mr. Giles talking about it with Principal Snyder. It's so nice that Mr. Giles volunteered to be your personal tutor so you still can graduate."

I must say, that Watcher is a genius! That was a perfect way to handle the situation. One less thing to worry about. I put a melancholic expression on my face. "It was a shock to us all, but Xander has taken it well."

The young man rolled his eyes upwards and then sighed. "Right."

"It's good to see you're okay." Ophelia patted his shoulder and then squealed with delight. "A silk shirt! You're learning. Are you coming to Bronze tonight?"

"Nah. I need to study."

She looked at him blankly and then began to giggle. "That's a good one. See you later." Then she waved at me and walked away.

I have no idea how Xander could ever have dated someone who called that airhead 'friend'. Sure, Cordelia and her friends all looked pretty, but the package wasn't everything. So, I'm being totally unfair here. There was nothing wrong with Cordelia. I was just jealous as hell.

Xander watched the girl walk over to a group of other young women and then turned to me. "We really have to do something nice for Giles. He's a lifesaver."

"He sure is. Now let's go. They're probably waiting for us."

Giles looked up from a book he was reading and smiled as we stepped inside the library. "Good evening. We've been waiting for you."

I looked around and frowned when I didn't see the girls. Since it was the night before the full moon, I hadn't expected Oz, but the girls should have been there by then. The only heartbeat I could hear was the Watcher's. I hoped Willow and Buffy hadn't gone to find Thorwald on their own. "Where are the others?"

"Oh, they're here. They had to... go to the... um..." He gestured towards the door.

Xander grinned. "You can say the word, Giles. Restroom."

"Yes. That's right." The Brit adjusted his glasses and tried to hide his blushing. "I've thought of our problem here and made a plan so you can still study and live a normal life. Well, almost normal anyway."

"Yeah, I already heard about it. We ran into Ophy on our way here. I don't know how we could ever manage without you. Nice thinking, G-man."

"Don't call me that." It was obvious that the Watcher was flattered, even though he tried to look annoyed.

Buffy and Willow came in a few minutes later and then began to tell us all that they'd found out about Scandinavian mythology. It was great that we had to concentrate on something else besides our private lives.

It seemed that there were different opinions on how to interpret various songs, myths and prophecies, but we could at least get an idea of what was really going on. The old tales told that Odin, the greatest of the gods, cried one single tear when he sacrificed his eye to gain all the wisdom in the world. And that the tear froze and caught inside itself a reflection of that wisdom. It became one of the most powerful objects in the world. Something that could be used to heal or destroy. Apparently all depended on who held it.

At that point the legends got a bit strange. A demon was mentioned. It had bent the powers of the Tear to serve the darkness and the crystal got tarnished. It couldn't be used to do good anymore.

The cup was also a mystery. It seemed that it disappeared from the temple of Odin during some ancient little war and it was thought that a skald -- a poet or a minstrel-- had stolen it. Legend had it that it was buried with the last descendant of that skald. No one knew where his grave was. It could be anywhere in the world.

But here in Sunnydale? How many coincidences could there be?

As if that wasn't enough, Willow told us that she had no idea what the 'power of Freya' meant.

Great. Now we had to prevent Thorwald from seizing the power over all demons and their like by finding a cup that could be anywhere and then destroying the Tear, but we had no idea how to do that. Could this thing possibly get any stranger?

Of course it could.

Buffy stretched her legs and leaned back on the chair. "I heard in school today that the Brody Music Shop was robbed last night. I wouldn't mention it here normally, but I have this nagging feeling that it has something to do with Thorwald. The robbers didn't take any money. They just trashed the place and stole two harps."

Harps? Why on earth would someone steal harps? Ah, of course. "I think I know the answer to that. You said that the cup is buried with the descendant of a skald. What if Thorwald believes that he can raise the dead guy by playing a harp in the cemetery? So he doesn't have to dig."

The others looked at me like I'd eaten too many sick rats.

"I guess he could be right." Giles browsed through his book. "This Thorwald sounds like he could even believe in such nonsense."

"So what do we do? Guard the graveyard and drive a stake through everyone who carries a harp?"

I glared at Xander. It was almost like the not-so good old days. "Do you have a better idea?"

"Not really."

"Then shut up."

"Yes, master." He grinned.

Willow raised her hand. "Excuse me, but do you really think it's a good idea to go to a cemetery tomorrow? Full moon and vampires. That's not a good combination."

"We have no choice. We can spoil Thorwald's plans if we get the cup."

"Buffy, I think Willow has a point. It could be too dangerous. You're not well enough to..."

"I can't just let them get the cup! I'm the Slayer here, remember? I have to do something!" She banged the table with her fist and then groaned with pain.

Giles shook his head. "You can't slay anyone with that hand of yours."

"Do you know how many followers Thorwald has?"

They all turned to look at me again. I didn't mind them staring, but this was really ridiculous. I repeated it slowly. "How. Many. Vampires. Are. There."

Giles searched through his papers. "I'm not certain, of course, but Thorwald has usually about two dozen companions with him. At least. Most of them are his... childer."

"Vampires he's made. That's good. It means that they're not all that dangerous. It's not like Thorwald would let them think for themselves even if they could. I think it would be best if I went to the cemetery alone. The other vampires can't hear me and I'm fairly safe." I couldn't believe I'd actually said that. But I knew it was the only way. My living, breathing friends would be in too much danger if they came with me.

"I'm coming with you."

I looked at Xander and shook my head. "Absolutely not!"

"It's always best to have someone cover your back. Even though I'm not all that dangerous, I can still help. I'm old enough to make my own decisions. I _can_ think for myself, in case you haven't noticed."

Apparently my remark about Thorwald's childer had rubbed a sore spot. This wasn't the time or the place for this. "Fine, whatever you want."

The others looked anywhere but at us.

Then Giles cleared his throat. "So that's decided. You two try to prevent Thorwald from getting the cup. The rest of us will think of a plan to prevent the rest of it if you fail tomorrow."

We spent about half an hour polishing our plan for the next evening and then Buffy and Willow went home. I followed them to make sure that they got there safely while Xander talked with Giles about their new arrangement. The Brit was really helping with his clever 'diagnosis'.

I wouldn't ask, but I had the impression that Xander's parents weren't actually all that interested in their son and wouldn't mess with our little scheme. It was amazing how all the people at school had embraced the idea of Xander's syndrome, but it didn't actually surprise me. After living in Sunnydale for some time, people usually accepted any plausible explanation as long as they didn't have to deal with the truth.

When I returned to Sunnydale High, Xander was waiting for me in front of the doors. He was sitting on the steps, staring at his feet.

I sat next to him. "Did you and Giles talk things through?"

"Yeah." His voice was strained

"Are you all right?" It seemed like I was asking that every two hours. I couldn't help it. Worrying about him was somehow natural for me.

"No. I'm mad."

"At me?"

He looked up at me. I could see the confusion in his eyes. "I don't know. At myself maybe. At the world."

"You really didn't like our earlier conversation?"

"No." Xander grimaced. "I can handle the fact that we've been enemies and that we're now friends. Or at least we're not enemies anymore. But I can't handle the idea of being your..."

I shuddered. Friend, yes. Lover? In my dreams. Maybe even a partner. But childe? No way! "Me neither. And in a way you're not."

"How come?"

"You're not fawning over me. We don't have any kind of a deal. I can't order you to do anything. Those are three things that usually exist between a sire and a childe. I just happened to bring you to the other side. That's all."

He smiled a little. "So I don't have to call you daddy?"

"Only if you want me to strangle you. Or maybe spank you."

We looked at each other and then began to laugh. The idea of taking him across my knees and spanking him was hilarious. Then I thought about what it would look like and sobered up. I really had to get my mind out of the gutter.

I got up and held out my hand. "Let's go home." He let me pull him to his feet and then we walked to my house.

We sat in the study for most of the night. I read a book and Xander did his homework. Apparently Giles had been serious about tutoring him. I was glad. Maybe the Brit could get Xander more interested in studying. The young man was very intelligent, but from what I'd heard, his teachers hadn't inspired him very well in the past. Not that I could really talk about it, considering how I'd been at the same age.

I read about half the book, a fact that really surprised me, since I spent almost half the time ogling Xander. He looked so damn cute when he was concentrating on his papers. It was almost nauseating the way I found him attractive; not pure lust or pure love, those I was familiar with. This was something different, innocent and fiery at the same time, and it made me feel strangely young, the way I'd never really been.

After he'd finished with his studying, Xander got up and paced for a moment. When I realized that he was bored rather than nervous, I suggested that we do something together.

Not _that_ though.

Going out would have been tempting fate, so we had to think of something to do inside the house. We watched the late night news on TV. Neither of us was really all that interested in staring at some old sitcom that came on after the news, so we spent the rest of the night playing cards and talking about nothing important.

It was a magical night. It had been ages since I'd just sat down and enjoyed someone's company. Like I'd always thought, Xander's dry sarcasm and exuberance hid an intelligent mind and I loved talking with him. We didn't talk about our situation with Thorwald, or vampires in general. We just talked about normal, ordinary things. Movies, books, the things he was interested in.

I didn't want the night to end.

But of course it had to. About half an hour before the dawn, Xander suggested a late night snack and I reluctantly put the cards away, while he went to gather all his books and notes.

I scratched my head. "I think I need to grab a shower before we go to bed."

"Damn!" Xander dropped the papers and then knelt to pick them up.

When I went to help him, he waved his hand is dismissal. "Go ahead and wash up. I'll see you in the kitchen."

"If you're sure you're okay with this..."

"Of course. Go." He sounded a bit choked, but I thought it was only normal since he was crawling on a hard wooden floor.

I left Xander in the study and headed to the bathroom. Vampires don't sweat, but I felt like I needed a hot shower. And of course my hair needed a good treatment with shampoo and conditioner.

Please, no hair jokes. Keeping our hair immaculate is a matter of honor. Doing that without the aid of a mirror is a huge challenge. You'll never understand it, though. It's a vampire thing.

After toweling myself dry, I dressed in a clean T-shirt and sweatpants. I felt really refreshed and whistled while brushing my hair.

When I got to the kitchen, there were two cups of blood waiting and Xander was looking at me expectantly.

"I hope you don't mind that I made us something to eat?"

"Not at all. Actually I could get used to this. Thanks, Xander."

He smiled a little and raised the cup to his mouth. He took a sip and then frowned. "I've been meaning to ask you something."

"Go ahead."

"Why do we have to heat this stuff?"

I laughed so hard I had to put my cup down. Waving my hand at him, I tried to let him know that I wasn't laughing at him. "Sorry. It's just that I take some things for granted. To answer your question, I heat it because I like to eat it warm. That's all. It's actually just as good cold."

"Oh. That's a disappointment. I thought there was some deep dark secret behind it."

"Would it help if I told you that heating blood in the microwave is a centuries old sacred tradition?"

He grinned. "I get your point."

We finished our meal. I washed the dishes while Xander took a shower. It had to be out of habit, he really didn't need one. Or maybe he just didn't like doing the dishes.

He was sitting in my favorite chair when I got to the bedroom. He was wearing my robe and he looked a little lost. "I'm sorry, but I didn't have anything else to wear. I have to get some of my own clothes tomorrow, so I guess we'd better drop by my house after we come back from the cemetery."

I nodded. "Sure. If you need anything for now, feel free to take it." I gestured towards the closet.

Xander looked at me with a strange look on his face and then blinked. "Thanks. If you really don't mind, I could use a pair of... pants."

"Take anything you need."

You know what he took? Yes, a pair of silk boxers. That's the only kind of underwear I use nowadays. So now I had to sleep next to him, all too aware of what he was wearing. Oh god! I'm a vampire, not a corpse. I wasn't sure if I could handle another night like that.

He climbed onto the bed and stretched like a huge cat. "Are you sure you don't mind me sleeping here? I could..."

"We've been through this before. I'll sleep better if I know that you're safe."

"It's strange to hear you say things like that." Xander pulled a blanket up to his chest and seemed to be very interested in the patterns on the sheet. "I mean that we've never been exactly bosom buddies. Why are you being so nice to me?"

I had no idea what to say. His question hadn't been an accusation, it was a honest, all cards on the table question. And I had to lie to him. "I consider you a friend. That's all. I still don't have any kind of secret agenda." No, I was just madly in love with him. That was something he couldn't handle. Not now, maybe not ever.

"So I'm not disturbing your life in any way?"

I don't know what got in to me. It was probably an idiotic attempt to lighten the mood. I looked at him and grinned. "Well, I usually sleep naked. Now I can't really do that. But that's about all I've had to change now that you're staying here."

He stared at me and blushed. "Oh."

"Relax. I was just kidding. Sorry, I guess it wasn't all that funny after all." Stupid, stupid, stupid!!!

I probably just imagined the disappointed look. He punched the pillow a few times and then lay down. I turned the light out and climbed in next to him.

We lay there in silence. I could sense that he was troubled about something, but I had no idea how to ask him about it.

"Angel?"

Thank god he wasn't as afraid of talking as I was. "Yes?"

"Can I ask you something private? I mean, it's not exactly personal or anything, but it is sort of embarrassing. Or maybe it's not. It depends on how you feel about those things. And maybe I'm way out of line here, but I really need to know about this, even though..."

"Xander!"

"What?"

"Just ask. It can't be that bad." Even though I was rather worried. He hadn't sounded that nervous even when he had asked about love. What could be worse than that?

I heard him take a deep breath and then he blurted it out. "Canwehavesex?"

I was dumbfounded. "What?" Had I heard right? He asked if we could have sex?

Xander turned to his side and propped himself up on an elbow. "Can we have sex?"

"Clarify the question, please." I sounded like Giles. It was a miracle that my voice was so calm and even, though. I wanted to close the distance between us and answer him without words, but it was possible, probable even, that he hadn't meant it like that. "We as in the two of us or we as vampires?"

He was quiet for a moment and then whispered, "Vampires. Can vampires have sex?"

"Yes. Just like everyone else. But we can't get STDs and we don't get pregnant. Not that we'd get pregnant even if we were… I mean, you can't get a woman pregnant. Vampires can have sex with mortals and each other. No limitations." So it wasn't possible for a vampire to die of embarrassment. I seriously considered running out to meet the sun.

"Really?"

"Really. The only thing you have to remember is your face. It will change when you lose control."

Xander shuddered. "And I'll get all vampiric?"

"Yes. Was that all you wanted to know?"

"I guess so."

Good. This was definitely not the subject I wanted to talk about now. Or think about. "You'd better get some sleep then."

He lay back down and closed his eyes.

I hugged my pillow, wanting to fall asleep as soon as possible. Of course it didn't work that way. The more I tried to doze off, the more awake I felt. Damn. It was possibly one of the worst mornings of my existence. Usually when I had made a fool out of myself like this, I ran away and tried to keep my distance from the person or matter. That wouldn't work now. As soon as we woke up next evening we'd grab a quick snack and then we'd have to head to the cemetery. And we'd spend the whole night together. It could get a little awkward.

I tried to find a better position and sighed. It would once again be a long day.

* * *

I'd thought a few times that I could really get used to Xander's presence, but I had no idea how true that was until he wasn't there anymore. No, he didn't actually go anywhere, but the next evening he was quiet and withdrawn. It was almost like being alone, even though he sat right across the table.

The previous evening we'd decided that Buffy and Willow would go to the cemetery during the day, while we were having our beauty sleep, and try to look for the place the cup might be buried. They'd promised to leave a note for us in my mailbox before going home. So we might have an advantage over Thorwald.

After we finished our meal, I went to check the mail. Xander disappeared somewhere in the house.

Walking back inside, I wondered what had gone wrong. Xander couldn't be all that moody just because I screwed up our little talk that morning.

I sat on the living room couch and browsed through my mail. Ignoring all the other envelopes, I tore open the one that had Buffy's handwriting on it and read the note. Then I yelled, "Xander? Buffy wrote that she and Willow spent over two hours going through the cemetery, and found nothing that could help us."

The house was quiet for a moment and then my friend's voice came from the direction of the bedroom. "So what do we do now? Do we just go to the graveyard and wait for Thorwald?"

"Yes. Just the way we decided last night."

"I'll be ready in a second."

I waited for him to finish whatever he was doing. When he finally came down to the living room I nodded at him and then we left the house without a word.

When we reached the cemetery, I looked around to find a good place to hide. There were many big headstones we could use as cover, but since we had no idea which direction Thorwald's gang would be coming from, it would have been too risky to just crouch behind one of them and hope that we were safe. The mausoleum was of course a good place to hide, but I really didn't want to go in there. Too many painful memories.

In the end, it was Xander who pointed out that the perfect place to see what was going on was not inside the mausoleum, but on top of it. I agreed and we climbed to the flat roof. We sat down, both of us staring in the opposite direction. If I had thought only about the results, I would have said that Xander's presence was a good thing. This way we could watch each other's back. But on the personal level I wasn't sure that it was a good idea to have him with me.

There was no trace of the companionable silence. It was almost like we were still enemies, him just barely tolerating me and me wondering what the hell was going on.

It was distracting. After we'd been on the roof for about half an hour, I decided it was time to do something about it. I opened my mouth to ask him what was wrong.

"Xander..."

"Angel..."

I blinked a few times and then smiled. "I think we need to do something about our communication. I hate it when I try to say something after sulking and then someone interrupts me."

"Me too. Sorry." Xander seemed to relax a little. "I've just been thinking about this whole mess and I guess I haven't been very good company this evening."

"Yeah, I've been the same. Let's just forget about it and go on with this thing."

He looked relieved. Obviously he was just as reluctant as I was to look at this thing any deeper.

The silence was less strained and we sat there for a long time, waiting for Thorwald to appear. A few hours later I was beginning to get worried. If the Scandinavian was going to get the cup, he'd have to show up soon. The full moon was shining above us, a reminder of the fact that it was either tonight, or Thorwald would have to wait another year to be ready to use the Tear on the Spring Equinox. The next evening the moon would be waning and the cup wouldn't be found.

I stood up. "This is ridiculous. He should be here by now."

"Maybe he got caught in traffic or something. Or maybe he ran into some werewolves. Oz isn't the only one howling at the moon, you know." Xander rubbed his eyes, looking a bit worried. "We should've warned some of the people who go out at night. Like the neo-pagans who have their full moon rituals in the field near the Viking's Rest. What if Thorwald decides that he needs a little snack before coming here and attacks a group of defenseless women who..."

I squatted down right in front of him, my face barely inches away from his. "What did you say?"

"I thought you knew that there are pagans around here."

"Not that! What was that place?"

Xander shrugged. "Viking's Rest? I guess you could call it a lake, but it's actually more like a small pond. It's a couple of miles west of here. The legend says that a long time ago someone was buried there the same way the old Vikings usually were. And... Oh, crap! You don't think that..."

"Yeah. Let's go."

We scrambled off the mausoleum's roof. We needed to get to the lake as soon as possible and even though Xander objected loudly, I smashed the window of the nearest car, opened the door and then pushed my friend in. It wasn't the first time in my life that I'd stolen a car, and in a few minutes we were driving through the dark night.

"Angel! You can't just steal a car like that! It's not right! Oh, left here. Do you have any idea how the person who owns the car will feel in the morning? No, go straight on."

Xander's objections were rather ridiculous, considering the fact that he was giving me directions to the lake while berating me. "I'll return the car when we come back and leave some money in the glove compartment for the window. Now stop whining! Left or right?"

"Right." The young man sighed. "I'm sorry I didn't think about Viking's Rest sooner."

"Better late than never. I find it strange that Giles overlooked it. He's usually so meticulous about his research. How could he have missed that on the map?"

"It's officially called 'Duck Pond'. It was renamed about ten, fifteen years ago. I've just always liked the old name better."

Oh. That explained it. I squeezed the steering wheel. "How long until we get there?"

"It's right behind that little grove."

I hit the breaks and parked the car a few yards from the road. "Let's go."

We sneaked through the bushes. Xander cursed quietly and muttered something about vampires and how crappy it was that the legends about flying were false. He'd definitely seen too many bad horror movies.

It was easy to locate Thorwald and his gang. I've always loved harp music, but the horrible noise that I heard didn't resemble music. The old saying about tortured cats came to mind.

"It's quite possible that the dead guy with the cup will just jump out of the lake and give Thorwald whatever he wants just to make that damn noise end." Xander grimaced as the sound of the harps grew louder.

I could see something moving straight ahead and motioned my friend to be quiet. We crept forward to see what was going on.

At first I saw only young vampires who were all staring at the lake. Two women were playing the harps, but otherwise no one made a sound. I craned my neck a little and then spotted the familiar blond man standing on the shore. He brushed his hair back with his hand, trying to look regal. Emphasis on the word, _trying_. His followers gasped.

My timing needed definite improving. First I was too late to save Xander's life and now I found the place where the skald's descendant had been buried just in time to see a pale ghost hand a big bowl to Thorwald. The Scandinavian hadn't changed a bit since I'd last seen him almost 150 years ago. He was dressed in dark velvet and he was posturing in front of his followers. He held out his hand, his eyes gleaming as he stared at the cup.

It was quiet now and I could clearly hear the ghost muttering something to himself. Then he raised his voice. "Tonight I've been summoned here to give up the great burden I've been carrying for centuries. It is now your duty to guard the cup against those who might use it to rule the darkness."

Thorwald nodded and grabbed the cup. "Thanks."

Not a very poetic answer.

The ghost's expression was a bit confused. He was about to say something, but then obviously changed his mind as Thorwald raised the cup and yelled, "I've got the power!"

I heard Xander snicker, and even though our enemy getting the cup wasn't exactly a laughing matter, I had to chuckle too. The ghost looked a little sick.

Thorwald's followers were dancing and screeching. They followed their leader when the Scandinavian began to walk away from the lake and soon the noisy crowd disappeared into the darkness. As soon as I couldn't see them anymore, I scrambled out from the bushes, stomping my feet on the ground and cursing. I couldn't believe what had happened.

Xander walked over next to me and watched me rant. Then he walked over to the shore to stare at the lake. When I calmed down, I joined him.

"What do we do now?"

I sighed. "I don't know."

"Me neither. I wish we knew where the final ritual will be held. That way we could at least make some kind of a plan for how to get the Tear."

Someone cleared his throat behind us. I swirled around to see the ghost standing there, looking apologetic. "Excuse me, but could you please tell me what's going on here?"

"You just gave the cup to a maniac who wants to rule the world." I wasn't in the mood to soften the blow.

The ghost bowed his head and sighed. "I was afraid of that. Alas, I had to give the cup to the first person who asked for it."

"Don't worry. It wasn't your fault, man. We'll stop Thorwald."

I glared at Xander. He glared straight back.

"Thank you, young man. Your kind words will help me to rest." The ghost gave us a ghostly smile and then stepped into the lake. Faint tendrils of mist began to swirl around him. He walked a few steps away from us and then turned back. "Oh, and in case you were wondering, the ritual can be held only in the temple of wisdom. The place where the knowledge is passed forward to the new generation."

We watched him disappear into the mist.

Xander shivered. "That's not something you see every day."

"No, it's not."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing." I recognized my tone as the most childish a two centuries old vampire could use and took a deep breath. "Sorry. I'm just sick of all this. Do you have any idea what will happen when Thorwald and his idiots march into the school next Saturday?"

He blinked a few times. "You mean that the ritual is held at Sunnydale High? _That's_ the 'temple of wisdom'?" He began to laugh. "I'd call it the 'temple of boredom' or something."

"I'm glad you're enjoying yourself."

"Oh, I am." Xander snorted. "It's better to laugh than cry anyway. We really screwed this up."

I shook my head. "No, we didn't. At least we know now where to go on the Spring Equinox. We didn't get the cup, but it was a long shot anyway."

"Yeah, but..."

"No buts. Let's get back to the car. We still have a lot to do before we can go home."

Xander nodded.

We left the car where we'd found it. I left a few bills in the glove compartment and gained another approving nod from Xander. Then we headed towards the school.

There was no one inside the big building. We walked to the library and left a detailed message for Giles. I wrote a few sentences to Buffy, suggesting that we'd all meet the next evening. We had to prepare ourselves for whatever happened next. I was pretty sure that Thorwald wouldn't start terrorizing Sunnydale before the Equinox, but it was still just a guess. Things could get really ugly.

I had a strange feeling when we left the school. It was almost like déjà vu. There we were again, walking side by side towards Xander's house. It was like nothing had happened, that he was still the cute mortal boy and I was the mysterious vampire. I watched my young friend from the corner of my eye, wondering if he was thinking about it too.

Did he regret everything that had happened since the last time we walked this short way to his house? I didn't think I should ask.

We reached our destination and Xander fished his key out of his pocket. He opened the door and walked inside the house.

I stood on the porch.

Xander looked at me and then grimaced. "Sorry. Please come in."

"Thank you." I stepped in and looked around. The place was beautifully decorated, but even though all the colors were warm, the interior of the house oozed coldness. It was a strange and definitely unpleasant feeling.

Xander had said that his parents were out of town, but as soon as I entered the living room, I heard two heartbeats drumming in the house. Someone was upstairs, and since everything was quiet, I thought it couldn't be burglars. Xander froze when he heard the heartbeats.

Unfortunately it was too late to get out undetected. He sighed resignedly as a light went on and then two pairs of footsteps echoed through the house.

Mrs. Harris frowned when he saw us standing in the middle of the living room. "Alexander? Where have you been?"

"And who's your friend?" Mr. Harris fingered the belt of his robe and glared at me.

"I... This is Angel. He's a friend of mine, and I've been at his place for the last two days. What are you doing home? I thought you were still on the coast." The boy sounded subdued. I'd never heard that tone coming from him.

Xander's mother shook her head. "We came home as soon as Principal Snyder called us about your condition. Do you have any idea what a shock it's been? We went to see a doctor who explained to us all about that syndrome and we've been devastated ever since."

I was surprised by the amount of emotion in her voice. She really sounded like the news of her son's 'condition' had hit her pretty hard. By the way Xander had acted, I'd thought that his parents were either child-beaters or they completely ignored their son. I was glad I'd been wrong.

"Mom..."

"Do you have any idea how expensive it will be to redecorate this house? We have to get special blinders to block ultra-violet radiation on every window!" Mrs. Harris sniffed. "And Dr Barrett said that we can't have many visitors because we have to be extra careful, so you won't get any sun. What'll the neighbors say..."

Mr. Harris embraced his sobbing wife and glared at Xander. "Now look what you've done. Your poor mother hasn't been able to sleep for two days, she's been too worried about all this. Can't you ever do anything right? Why do you always have to be so difficult?"

I saw Xander flinch and had to turn my back on his parents when I felt the familiar twitch on my face. Killing the foolish mortals wasn't an option, however appealing it sounded, and I had to calm down enough to get my own visage back if I wanted to help my friend. But it wasn't easy. My fangs itched when I thought about people who blamed their children for being bad when they were just ill.

"I'm sorry," Xander whispered. I wasn't sure he said it to his parents or me, but the sound of his voice tore my heart anyway. It was a miracle that he was sane after living for almost eighteen years with these people.

"You should be." His father's voice turned from icy to soft as he turned his attention back to his wife. "Calm down, dear. Maybe it's enough if we get the special blinders for his room. He doesn't really have to move around the house during the day."

Mrs. Harris blew her nose. "But if he stays up all night, I won't be able to sleep. This is a nightmare!"

"I'm sure Alexander can stay outside during the night."

A scent of blood floated towards me and I turned around to see Xander biting his lip. He looked like a lost little child. The fact that he was able to control his face must have been the result of being berated for all his life. He was probably used to it. It was a chilling thought, but it helped me to clear my mind.

The mortals didn't matter. That moment didn't matter and neither did the past. The things that did matter were Xander and the future. I walked closer to him and patted his shoulder. "It'll be all right."

"How can it be all right?" His voice was so soft that only I could hear the words. "I'll be locked in my room during the days and forced to run around in the streets during the nights. I might as well buy a coffin."

"Don't! I won't let that happen." It was quite obvious that Xander couldn't stay with his parents. The idea of him staying with these disgusting people for a minute longer than was necessary made me nauseous. I wanted to get him back home --to my house-- as soon as possible.

Xander looked at me, his eyes gleaming. "Even you can't change everything."

At least I could try. I cleared my throat. "Excuse me, Mr. and Mrs. Harris, but I think I can help you with your... problem." It was hard to squeeze that last word out of my throat.

Xander's parents turned to stare at me. His mother sniffed again. "How can anyone help us?" She wailed and buried her face in her husband's shoulder.

"I happen to suffer from the same syndrome as your son. My house is already safe for anyone who can't stand the sunlight and I thought that maybe he could stay with me."

"Really?" Mrs. Harris looked up from the terrycloth robe. "You could take Alexander to live with you? That's wonderful!"

Xander's father wasn't as impressed. "How much do you want?"

"What?"

"Dad..."

"Be quiet, Alexander! I asked you, how much do you want? Surely you're not offering him a place to stay for free. How much will it cost to have Alexander stay with you?"

Excuse me? He was talking about _money_ in a situation like this? I glanced at Xander, who was trying to blend into the garish flower- wallpaper, and shrugged. "I don't want anything. If Xander needs a place to stay, he can stay with me for as long as he wants to."

Xander looked at me and tried to smile. "Sounds good to me."

"That's perfect!" Mrs. Harris exclaimed. "He can go back there tonight and we can continue our vacation. And now that we don't have to worry about him, we could even spend a few extra weeks at the Marshalls'. Wouldn't that be nice?"

"Sounds lovely, dear."

I couldn't believe my ears. I'd been ready to tell more lies about myself, or at least show them where I lived, and they were talking about leaving town?

Mr. Harris glanced at me again, his face a bit softer now that he knew that I didn't want any money. "I'm sure Alexander will behave himself while he's staying with you. Won't you, Alexander?"

Finally I understood why Xander hated his name. I wondered if he'd ever heard it connected to any soft words, or the sentence, 'I love you'.

"Yes, sir." My friend looked at me with a sad look in his eyes. "Angel? Could you help me pack?"

"Of course. We should do it right away, so your parents can go back to sleep." I nodded at Xander and then followed him upstairs. His parents stayed downstairs, making plans for their vacation.

Xander grabbed a bag and began to shove into it his clothes and personal stuff. I helped him by folding his clothes, not saying anything, and then carried the bag downstairs. I noticed that his parents had already gone back to bed. At least Xander didn't have to take any more crap from them.

I waited downstairs for a while, but when he remained in his room, I climbed the stairs quietly and then stood at Xander's door, watching him sitting on his bed, holding another bag on his lap. "Xander? Is there anything else you want to take with you?"

"No. There's nothing for me here anymore."

The choked words were too much. I walked over to him and sat beside him. "You do know that I meant what I said earlier, don't you? You have a home with me for as long as you want it."

He didn't say anything.

"What do you want to do now?"

Xander took a deep breath and then let it out slowly. "Let's get out of here."

When we reached my house, we threw his bags into the bedroom and then marched to the kitchen.

Xander didn't even bother to warm his meal. He just sat down and stared at his cup. "After this thing with Thorwald is over, I have to find a place to stay. It's clear that going back to my parents isn't an option anymore."

"You don't like it in here?" The unwavering tone of my voice was the result of decades of practice.

"It's not about liking this place. I'm sure you don't want me to stay here forever and…."

Oh, god! If I could, I would keep him with me for as long as I roamed the earth. "I meant what I said. You can stay as long as you like. If you need more privacy, we'll make some arrangements so you'll have a room of your own."

Xander looked at me with a strange look on his face. "You really mean it?"

"I mean it." I put my hand on his shoulder and squeezed gently. "This is your home too, if you want it to be."

"If you put it that way, yeah. I do want to stay here."

My hand wanted to slide down from his shoulder, caress him, pull him into an embrace. But that would've probably driven him away, even if he thought that I was just holding him as a friend. I had to make a choice between having him with me and taking a chance on losing him forever. Not exactly a hard choice to make.

"Great. I've been thinking for a while now that this place is too big for just one person. It's nice to have a friend living here with me." I patted his shoulder and then went to the fridge.

After eating I told him to unpack and put his clothes into the closet. I emptied a few shelves and drawers for him and then changed the sheets while he went through his things.

I carried the used laundry to the hamper and then returned to the bedroom. I noticed that Xander was just standing in front of the closet with an amused expression on his face. When he saw me, he blushed.

"Want to share the joke with me?"

He blushed even more. "I don't think you'd see it as funny as I do. Um... Did you really mean that I can put my clothes into your closet?"

"Yes, but you can move to the guest room as soon as we make it suitable for a vampire."

Xander nodded. "Okay."

I sat on the bed and watched him fumble with his clothes. He looked reluctant to get any closer to me.

"Xander? Do you want me to sleep somewhere else today?"

He dropped his shirt on the floor. "Don't be stupid. This is your bedroom."

Oh, how I wanted to correct him that it was now _our_ bedroom. "Yes it is. And you're welcome here for as long as you want. But if you don't want to..."

"I do. I really do want to stay here with you. I'm sorry for acting like a..."

"...human being? That's not forbidden, you know." No rules for that had never been necessary, for a vampire would never even consider acting like one. His existance, and mine I guess, was something completely new.

He picked up the shirt from the floor and folded it. It was a bit hard to hear his next words, since he mumbled them from the corner of his mouth. "Thanks, Angel. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"You'd do just fine. Being a vampire isn't all that difficult." I deliberately misunderstood him. If he said something like that again, I'd probably either say something stupid or start to cry.

"I guess so. Still, it's good to have a friend."

I grunted. After undressing, I slipped between the fresh sheets and stretched. I watched Xander organize his things. When he was finished and began to undress, I closed my eyes and tried to think of something boring, disgusting or scary. Anything but the fact that he was getting out of his clothes a few feet away from me. I had no idea if he'd move in next to me or not, and I didn't want to say or do anything to make him nervous.

Soon the rustling sound of shedding clothes ended and I felt the mattress move.

"Good day, Angel."

"Sleep well."

We lay there in silence for a long time. I was exhausted, but something kept me awake. There was no sound in the little room, but I could feel something was wrong. Then I heard a faint sniff.

I didn't reveal in any way that I was still awake. If Xander had wanted me to console him, he wouldn't have turned his back on me and muffled his sobs into the pillow. So I pretended to be sleeping, even though the small noises he made tore my heart. When he finally stopped crying, he lay still for a moment and then shifted his position.

The soft touch of his hand almost made me jump out of my skin. I masked my shock by rolling onto my other side.

Xander took his hand away. He lay quietly for a few minutes and then the hand returned to my arm. This time I didn't move. I had no idea what he was doing, but I let him do whatever he wanted. He moved a bit closer to me and then slid his other hand around my waist. He snuggled a little closer and then just lay there, holding me in his arms.

I couldn't help it. Sighing, I nuzzled against his neck. He tensed for a moment, but when I didn't do anything else, he relaxed. Soon he was sound asleep.

I loved feeling his skin against mine, even though this was about friendship, not lust. He just needed to be close to someone. He didn't want me to help him with my words, but he needed to be held. And I was more than happy to oblige.

I knew how much one could yearn for a touch when feeling lonely or abandoned.

* * *

In retrospect I can see so clearly what went wrong. It wasn't lack of communication or lack of trust. It was the fact that we completely overlooked Thorwald's obsession with being prepared for everything. It was three more days until the Equinox, but now that he had the cup, he wanted to be sure that he'd have the innocent one, whose blood was used, as well. We'd thought that he'd been after the cup that night when the moon was full. And we'd been right.

But it wasn't the only thing he'd been after.

* * *

We slept late that evening. I think I stirred a little when the sun set, but then just burrowed against Xander. He was holding me in his arms and I was going to enjoy it for as long as I could.

He still was, when I really woke up. I had no idea how to act if he woke up when I tried to disentangle myself from him, so I just lay there, pretending to be asleep. The approach of a coward, actually.

When he didn't give any signs of waking up, I began to move a little, acting like I was sleeping restlessly. That worked. In a few seconds I heard an offended groan and then Xander rubbed his nose on my neck. I couldn't help tensing at the feeling and then opened my eyes.

Xander had a shocked look on his face as he realized that I was awake. He tugged his hand a little, trying to get away from me. I should have moved and released his arm from under my side, but I didn't. I didn't want to act like we'd done something wrong.

"Morning, Xander."

He relaxed a little. "It's actually evening."

"Whatever. How are you this evening?"

"Um... Weird. Do you know that you're lying on top of my arm?"

"I am?" Exaggerating a shocked look, I twisted my head so that I could see the limb in question. "Oh, yes I am."

A smile tugged up the corner of Xander's mouth. "Would you mind getting off my arm?"

I pretended to think about it and then raised myself. He pulled his hand away, and I lay back down. "It was good to sleep late."

"Yeah. Sorry about that..."

"It's okay, Xander. As long as you don't throw me off the bed, you can do pretty much what you want." I smiled at his stunned expression. "Actually, I liked the warmth."

He propped himself up on an elbow. "Um... Me too."

The look on his face made something change. He was still a bit confused, and I thought I'd never seen him look so cute before. All the words I'd kept inside for so long were trying to claw their way up my throat. I opened my mouth to tell him how I felt for him, and then closed it again, when I heard something strange. A heartbeat. And then a few more.

"Did you hear that?"

"Hear what?" He squinted his eyes and then sat up. "Someone's in the house."

We scrambled up and pulled some clothes on. I listened carefully, but when I didn't hear anything right behind the bedroom door, I yanked the door open and then sneaked down the hall. Xander followed right behind me. There was a strange, but familiar, scent in the house, and it didn't take me long to identify it. The smell of old, dusty books and wet tweed.

I turned to Xander. "It's Giles."

"And Willow. No one else uses that hair conditioner around here." He cocked his head. "Did you hear that?"

I did. It was Buffy. We abandoned the sneaking and walked to the living room.

They were all there, Buffy, Giles and Willow. It was obviously raining and they were all dripping wet. As soon as Buffy saw me, she sighed with relief.

"Thank god you're here."

Where else would we be right after the sunset? "What's going on?"

"Someone followed me home last evening and I saw someone skulking outside my house about four a.m. when I had to go to the bathroom. Thorwald knows where I live."

Giles nodded. "And when I left the library yesterday I ran into a vampire. Fortunately I had a bottle of holy water with me and I managed to kill her. We decided it would be best to come here and tell you about it."

I nodded. At least this time they had more sense than to act on their own and probably get themselves killed.

"We don't want to impose, but could we stay here for the next few days? Or the nights actually. We read your note and thought that if Thorwald has the cup now, he might want to get rid of me before the Equinox." Buffy removed her wet coat and I motioned for her to hang it on the coat rack that was in the outer hallway.

The others followed her example and then we returned to the living room. I thought I heard something strange, like the wail of a hurt animal and looked around. "Did you hear that? It's like someone's dog..." I saw Willow wince. Oh, of course. "Is Oz down in the basement?"

"Yes. Don't worry, he's secure. We brought all the necessary equipment with us."

It was fine by me. So, I was hosting a Watcher, a Slayer, a fellow vampire, a werewolf and his witchy girlfriend. I chuckled and then gestured to my guests to sit down. Xander remained standing by the window, but the others sat on the couches. I sprawled on a big armchair.

"Of course you can stay here. Actually it's better to do it this way than running around Sunnydale when there are dozens of vampires looking for you."

Willow yawned. "Thanks, Angel."

"Yes, thank you." Giles looked a bit uncomfortable wearing only the white shirt. "I'm afraid we haven't dealt with this situation as well as we could have and perhaps even..."

"...blamed you for something you did out of necessity. And friendship." Buffy finished his sentence. "We're sorry for treating you like you did something wrong."

I smiled. "It's all right."

"No, it's not. We should have trusted you."

"You do now. That's all that matters. So, let's talk about business."

Xander and I told the others a more detailed story about the previous night and then they told us all that had happened to them. It seemed like Thorwald's people had just watched them, but I doubted it would have stayed like that. I agreed that it was best that they stay at my place, considering that even if Thorwald left them alone otherwise, he might try to check out the school. After all, things would go more smoothly on the Equinox, if he had some kind of a dress rehearsal.

"I think it's safe for us to go to school during the day, though," Willow said. "It'll look suspicious if we all just disappear somewhere."

Giles shook his head. "Actually I think that Buffy should leave town tomorrow."

"I'm not going anywhere!"

"I didn't mean that you should actually go anywhere. You should inform Principal Snyder that you're leaving town for some important reason and then stay here for the rest of the week. That way if something... destructive happens on Saturday, you won't be blamed. If you're in Sunnydale and the school accidentally burns down or there's a small explosion somewhere, you'll be in a big trouble."

After a heated discussion, we decided that all the mortals should go on a 'field trip' for the rest of the week. If Giles went with them, no one would suspect anything.

A good plan, but a bit annoying. Well, at least my house was big enough for us all.

We all sat in silence for a moment. Then I cleared my throat. "You should bring something to eat with you tomorrow. I don't have anything here in the house, so unfortunately you can't have anything for breakfast when you wake up tomorrow. And I think you should bring other necessities you'll need, too. Like toilet paper."

Giles' face turned scarlet.

I looked up at Xander to see if he was amused by it too, and was stunned to see that his face was twisted to show his game face.

When he realized that I'd noticed the change, he turned around to face the wall.

"Excuse me." I got up and walked to him. I noticed that everyone's eyes were following me and glowered at the mortals. They seemed to find other things to stare at. Leaning close to Xander's ear, I whispered, "What's wrong?"

He shuddered. "I'm hungry."

Oh, god. I'd completely forgotten how it was with new vampires. Even though I was a bit hungry too, it wasn't burning me like it was so obviously burning him. "Let's go to the kitchen."

"I can't eat with them here," Xander whispered frantically.

"If you don't, the hunger will drive you crazy. You can't control it, you're already wearing your game face. In a few minutes you'll be climbing the walls or you might even feel an uncontrollable urge to attack one of our friends."

"I can't risk that!" He fowned, the furrows on his forehead deepening even more. "Okay, then. Let's go."

I turned to the others. "If you'll excuse us, we haven't had anything to eat yet. Feel free to look around the house while we have some breakfast." There was no reason to hide it. I guided Xander out of the living room, shielding him with my body.

We walked to the kitchen and I poured him a cup of blood, which he devoured in a few seconds.

"Could I have another one?"

He didn't sound all that desperate anymore and his face was now back to normal. I nodded. "Do you want me to warm it first?" I'd already put my own cup in the microwave.

"Sure. You're right, it is better when it's warm."

"Yeah. So, are you all right with them staying here?"

"No problem." Xander smiled. "We have enough room for them."

I smiled at his choice of words. "Yes, we do."

The loud 'ping' indicated that our meal was ready and I took the two cups to the table. Handing the other one to Xander, I sat down. "Cheers."

He smiled and then raised the cup to his lips.

"Angel?"

Xander's hand jerked when he heard Buffy's voice, but he did manage not to spill any of his food. "Oh, crap."

"Do you want me to ask her to wait outside?"

"Yes. Wait." He looked at his meal and then sighed. "No. If she sees this, she sees this. She must know what we're doing in here."

I smiled at him and then raised my voice. "I'm in here."

Buffy's footsteps came closer and then she peeked inside from the doorway. "Can I use your phone? I need to call home and tell mom that I'm okay."

"Go right ahead."

She grinned and then sniffed the air. "What's that delicious smell?"

Xander almost choked on his food. I raised an eyebrow. "What do you think? We're vampires. It could be chateaubriand. Or then again it could be something else."

"Oh. I guess I wasn't thinking." She blushed. "I'll go to make that call now."

I watched her disappear and then turned to Xander. He gave me a weak smile and took a sip from his cup. Apparently he didn't have a problem with his food anymore. I emptied my cup, put it back on the table and stretched. "I feel better now."

"Me too." He stared at my face. "You have a little smudge on your chin."

Rubbing my chin, I raised an eyebrow. "Is it gone?"

"No. It's..." Xander gestured with his hand and then laughed a little when I tried to wipe the blood off my face. "No, it's more to the left. Oh, you're just making it worse."

His hand swept gently over my face. I stared at the crimson drop on his finger.

Xander looked around and when he didn't see a napkin, he slowly licked the blood from his finger. The flicker of his tongue was so sensuous that it made shivers run down my spine.

It was definitely time for us to go back to the living room.

Xander remained in the kitchen and washed the dishes while I showed the others where they could sleep. Willow took the guest bedroom and I saw her blush when I hinted that her howling friend might want to share the room with her when he got out of the basement. Buffy chose the leather couch in the living room and Giles the big armchair.

Buffy got the extra blanket from the guest room. I gave the Watcher the one that Xander had used. My vampiric friend could have mine.

I warned them not to wander unnecessarily around the house if they woke up after the sunrise. Even if someone did open the door to my bedroom, the sunlight wouldn't get inside, but it was always good to be a bit too careful. Buffy had apparently talked with her friends about what had happened in the kitchen and no one asked any awkward questions. They just accepted matters as they were.

The mortals settled down and Xander and I went to the study.

He paced around the small room for a while, but then seemed to get bored with that. After glaring at me, he turned the TV on and began to watch some old movie. I tried not to show my amusement and concentrated on my book.

It was a long night. We were more or less confined to the study and didn't have anything special to do.

The house was quiet, even the faint howling had faded away after a few hours. Oz would be hoarse as hell the next day.

When the movie ended, Xander badgered me into playing a few games of chess with him and then sulked when I beat him three times in a row. I suggested that we switch to poker and let him win a couple of times. That made him feel better.

I dealt the cards and waited him to pick them up. He stared at the table for a moment and then raised his gaze to mine. "Angel? Should I sleep somewhere else today?"

"Don't even start with that again! We've gone through this so many times that it's almost like a bad joke now."

"The situation is different. There are others staying here. I don't want you to feel embarrassed about..."

"...sleeping in the same room with you? I'm not embarrassed by it."

Xander grimaced. "They might misunderstand what's going on. After all, we're sleeping in the same _bed_."

I'd had enough. The rage came from out of nowhere. "Do you want to sleep in the basement? Because that's the only other safe place in the house. If you're so concerned about what Buffy and the others think about you and me, then by all means, sleep in the basement. There should be enough room for you, if you don't mind sharing the place with Oz."

"Shut up!" He snarled. "You know I didn't mean it like that!"

"Oh, yes you did! You're afraid that they'll think that we're sleeping... Damn, screw the euphemism, that we're _fucking_ and..."

I never had the chance to finish that sentence. Xander pushed his chair back and was at my side in a second. Then I was lying on my back and he was straddling me, glowering at me and showing me his fangs.

"Now you listen to me! I don't give a rat's ass about what they think of me. The only reason I brought it up was that I was afraid that you might worry about it."

"Xander..."

"I'm not finished. I'm a guest here and I wanted to be polite. It's your bedroom and I thought you might feel a bit crowded now that there are five people staying at your place. I was trying to give you some privacy, that's all." His facial muscles moved and then all traces of him being a vampire disappeared. When he spoke again, his voice was soft. "I don't have a problem with sleeping in your bed. I don't have a problem with sleeping with you. And I don't really care if they think that we're having sex."

I lay on the floor, staring at him. It was the solemn way he'd spoken that shocked me the most. Oh, god! What had I done? I couldn't believe I'd actually voiced my own desires in the form of an accusation, and the way Xander had responded left me speechless.

He got up and then stood next to me, staring down at me.

"I'm sorry, Xander. I shouldn't have said those things to you."

He reached out with his hand and helped me up. "It's all right."

I picked up the chair and sat on it, gesturing to Xander to sit down too. It was my turn to try some honesty. "I guess I haven't made my opinion on our living arrangements clear. I like the fact that you're staying here. It's a big house and I've been lonely."

The words weren't enough to describe my loneliness. It was killing me as surely as a stake through the heart would. I was afraid that my stupidity was now driving him away, and panicked. At that moment I would have done anything to make him stay. Crawling on my hands and knees didn't sound all that far fetched at that moment.

"Angel... "

"It's my turn to talk. I enjoy your company. I haven't been this content for a long, long time. You're my friend. You're the only man in the world who's just like me. As far as I'm concerned, this is your home too. Our home. I don't have any illusions that you'll stay with me forever, but for as long as you do, it's _our_ home, _our_ house."

"Is it also our bedroom and our bed?" His tone was light, but there was something strange in his eyes. Maybe he wanted to make it clear to himself that I was different from his parents and that I wouldn't turn my back on him.

"Absolutely. But I insist on calling the pillow I use mine. There are some things I won't share." I smiled at him, glad that my attempt at levity came out right. "So what do you say?"

He smiled back at me and reached for the cards. "Sounds great."

We had another late night snack about an hour before the sunrise and I was a bit surprised by Xander's behavior. He didn't make any comments about my ghastly accusations, and I hadn't expected him to, but I'd thought that he'd try to avoid me or that there'd be at least some tension between us.

There was none. Actually it was like nothing bad had ever happened between us. He was smiling and joking with me and when he was washing out his cup, he actually hummed a soft tune. It was a bit irritating. How could he be that happy after all the things I'd said to him?

I didn't even consider not locking the bedroom door. It wasn't because I didn't trust Buffy and the others with my life, it was because I didn't trust anyone with Xander's.

He took a long time undressing, humming that tune again. I climbed into the bed and wrapped the blanket around me. Then, realizing that it was the only one in the bed, I almost groaned. I hadn't remembered that I'd given the other blanket to Giles. Unwrapping the blanket from me, I lay down again and tried to find a comfortable position.

Xander crawled next to me and pulled the blanket up. Seeing that I didn't have any blanket, he moved closer to me and covered my body with it as well. I was astonished by his actions, but didn't say anything.

He lay there quietly for a moment and then moved even closer. When I didn't do anything, he sighed, "Angel? I think I should tell you that I've never done this before. In case you didn't already know."

I blinked. What was he talking about? "Oh?" _Oh_? What the hell did that mean? Did I have some problem with English? Apparently so.

"Yeah. So, could you, like, do something? I'm getting a bit nervous here."

"Xander?" I touched his shoulder.

He moved his arm around me and squeezed. "That's nice." He was so close that I could feel his breath on my face. "Can I kiss you?"

Could he kiss me? Was this a dream? Was I hallucinating? There was only one way to answer him. I closed the distance between us and brushed my lips against his. I half expected him to shove me away, but all he did was hold me tighter. His lips were soft and they moved against mine, nibbling my mouth. I had no idea how I'd survived without his taste before.

Vampires don't breathe, unless you count that slightest movement of air we need for speech, so we didn't have to break the kiss for a long, long time. My hands were moving up and down his back and he was squirming against me. It felt wonderful.

When my hands met the waistband of my boxers that he was still wearing, I realized what I was doing and recoiled back like he was burning me. I lay next to him, panting and tried to calm down. I had to know why we were doing this before going any farther.

"Xander? Do you really want to do this?"

He looked dazed. "Oh, yeah!"

"Why? Why now?" It was surprising that I could actually form coherent words after hearing that throaty admission. And why the hell was I still hesitating? He'd already said yes! Maybe if it had been someone else, I would have grabbed him. But not Xander. He was more to me than just a wonderful, eager body. I needed to be sure there would be no regrets.

"I don't get it." Xander sat up. "I thought we already talked this through."

"What? When?"

"You said... Oh, no. Oh crap. Oh, my god!"

I watched him jump off the bed and scurry to the door. He tried the handle and then groaned, "I can't believe this is happening! Where the hell is the key?"

"Xander? What's wrong?" His sudden change of behavior made no sense. "What did you think I said?"

He stood by the door, keeping his back to me. "I asked you if it you really wanted to share this bed with me. If you meant it was our bed. Obviously I misunderstood your answer, or you misunderstood my question, whatever. I'm sorry about the confusion. If you'll open the door, I'll go sleep in the basement."

"You thought that the condition of you staying here was to have sex with me?" I was horrified. "You know I'd never ask that from you!"

"No. Of course you wouldn't. Why would you want me?"

"What?"

"Just open the door, Angel. I'm dying of embarrassment here."

I walked to the place I'd hidden the key and then approached him, but I didn't open the door. He needed to tell me something before one of us went to go sleep in the cold little underground storage room. And it wouldn't be him. "Do you want me, Xander? I mean if you could have sex with me, would you?"

"Don't ask stupid questions! You know that I would."

I swear I heard the hallelujah chorus. "Come back to bed."

"Don't patronize me, Angel." His voice sounded tired. "It's all right."

"No, it's not. This floor is absolutely too hard for sex. Either we go back to bed now, or you'll have to wait until tomorrow for some serious action. I need to sleep too, you know."

Xander turned slowly to face me. "Could you possibly make me any more confused?"

I guess I hadn't been all that clear. "So, listen carefully. You want me. I want you. We're in a bedroom. There's a nice, comfortable bed a few feet from where we're standing. We could either stand here and argue, go to the bed and sleep, or go to the bed and have wild, passionate sex. I vote for the third option. What do you say?"

He didn't say anything. He gawked at me for a moment and then ran back to the bed. I was about a step and a half behind him.

We kissed, we groped and then destroyed two pairs of perfectly good silk boxers. It didn't last long. I'd wanted Xander for too long and he was still a teenager.

It wasn't even embarrassing. We just yanked the wet boxers off and moved to round two. Vampires have a _very_ short recuperating time, and when you combine that with the fact that we'd both been quite young when we'd died, we were up for more serious action in just a few minutes.

Yes, there are some good things about being a vampire. This was definitely one of them.

For a first timer, Xander was astonishingly good at it. His hands and mouth moved all over my body, and he seemed to enjoy gnawing my collar bone, tracing patterns all over my chest with his fingers and tongue. He wasn't the only one. His enthusiasm was very flattering, but I didn't just lie there under his ministrations, though that did cross my mind as a novelty, something I might want to try some day soon. Every single caress he made was answered, every kiss, every nibble copied.

When his hand approached my erection, I could sense his hesitation.

It wasn't simply my age and experience that made me want to take the lead. I was obviously the first man he bedded, and I didn't want him to feel strange to touch me like that. I had no such problems; I grinned at him and flung him onto his back and focused all my attention on him.

It was so exciting to touch him, caress him, taste him. He made these wonderful shocked exclamations when I touched his erection with my tongue, and they turned into whimpers as I took him in my mouth. Xander's hands tore at the sheets, trying to get a hold on something and I felt like I was drowning, too. He tasted so good. Better than anything, even blood. I continued licking him, until I felt I couldn't stand the excitement anymore. Then I let go of him.

Holding my lover's shaft in my mouth when I lost control would have been a _very_ bad idea. Even though we heal fast, I was sure Xander didn't want fangmarks on his private parts.

I moved on top of him. For a second I thought of spreading his legs and claiming him, but then I realized that there was nothing I could use as lubricant in the bedroom. There was a tube of hair gel, but that wouldn't have worked. I'd had that sticky stuff on my hands often enough to know that. The route to the bathroom was safe, but that would have meant actually letting go of him and leaving the room to get the tube. Maybe next time, if that was what Xander wanted.

Moving against him in a steady rhythm, I smiled a little as his panting turned into throaty moans. He arched against me, trying to get more friction. With a frustrated groan, Xander flung me off him and then jumped on top of me. I let him do whatever he wanted, but after a few minutes I moved us back to our original position, grinning at the disappointed sounds he made. Teasing him was gentle, playful, and I couldn't remember it ever being like this before.

It was wonderful to roll around the bed, holding him close and feeling his body against mine. Finally I found myself lying on my back, groaning with pleasure as Xander thrust against me. Some small corner of my mind remembered that screaming wouldn't be such a good idea, and I ground my teeth together, almost breaking my jaw when my orgasm drove through me like a stake, pushing all the control away.

Xander muffled his own groans into the pillow, collapsing on top of me.

I hugged him tight, never wanting to let him go. His weight didn't bother me at all; once again one of those vampiric advantages. After a few minutes I knew I had to let go, and rolled off him. We needed some sleep, and that close hug would have most probably led to other activities.

Laying my head back down, I was startled when it didn't meet the soft surface of my pillow. I glanced at the pillow case and groaned when I saw feathers all over the bed. "You tore my pillow!"

He stared at the remains of the pillow and began to laugh. "I'm sorry." His voice indicated that he wasn't.

I growled, and after brushing off the feathers, I pushed him onto his back. Then I moved to rest my head on his chest. "I'm not. This is much more comfortable."

Ignoring the sticky feeling, I closed my eyes and drifted towards sleep. The last thing I remembered was Xander's hand stroking my head.

* * *

I woke up, feeling wonderful. Xander was still sleeping next to me and he looked so peaceful, I didn't have the heart to wake him up. There was something in the air, I didn't know what, but it made me restless. The clock indicated that it was past sunset and I got up, not at all sleepy anymore.

Feeling suddenly confined, I had to get out of the small room.

Sneaking out of the bedroom, I walked past the other rooms, towards the front door. My footsteps were surprisingly loud, but that didn't worry me. I didn't hear any heartbeats and knew that there was no one in the house but me and Xander. That was probably the reason for me not minding doing my little walk without any clothes on.

I stood for a minute in front of the main door, not really thinking about anything, just staring at the door. It was almost like a part of my brain was still asleep. Something was going to happen, something hauntingly familiar, but I couldn't remember what it was. Then the door opened and I stepped outside.

The moment I passed the threshold, I felt a cold breeze against my body. Then I was warm, burning, actually. I was no longer naked, I was clad in black clothes. Trying to step back into the house, I realized that I couldn't do anything but go forward.

Then I wasn't me anymore.

* * *

" _No_!" I fought against someone who was holding me down. "Not anymore! I'm Angel! Angel!" Using every ounce of my strength, I flailed around with my arms, trying to get free, even though I knew that the greatest enemy wasn't external. If the demon had seized power over me again, there was nothing for me to do, but try to kill myself before he once again used everything I was to destroy people I cared for.

"Calm down, man. It was just a dream. It's all right."

I recognized Xander's voice and clung to him. He held me tighter and I took a few deep breaths. If I was still in bed with him, that had to mean I was all right.

"Angel?"

"Yeah, I'm all right now." I didn't move away from his embrace, though. "I had a nightmare. It felt so real, I wasn't sure if I was still me or..." Clamping my mouth shut, I buried my face in his shoulder. I didn't want to talk about that soulless demon that had my face, my memories. My friend didn't need to be reminded of him either.

Xander took a deep breath. "Angelus?"

"Yeah. I didn't mean to..."

A strong hand rubbing my back interrupted my apology. "It's okay. You're not like that. I know you're not."

It was odd to hear him say that, for my dream clearly indicated that I wasn't all that convinced about it after all. I hadn't thought about the last time I'd been with someone, and what had happened after that, but apparently the fear of losing my soul had been lurking in my subconscious all the time. Funny, how I'd managed to lie to myself about it so convincingly that I hadn't even known I was deceiving myself. I wasn't over it, not by a long shot, but I didn't think about it. Maybe it was the only way to stay sane after all Angelus had done.

I didn't say anything, I just kissed him. Telling him that it had been the situation that triggered my nightmare wouldn't have been a good idea. I had no idea whether or not Buffy had told her friends about our one night together, but I didn't think we should talk about _that_ now. It was all past, and there was nothing I could do to change it.

Xander didn't seem to be interested in conversation either. Maybe we'd talk about it in a century or two. At the moment we had something more interesting to do.

* * *

That evening we really had a reason for a shower. After toweling each other dry, we had to grab another shower and then we headed towards the kitchen. The steady heartbeats of our friends indicated that they were all there waiting for us.

"Do you have a problem with them being here to see us eat?" I asked quietly.

Xander shook his head. "Nah. They've seen worse. Have to tell you though, blood isn't exactly what I want right now."

"Then what do you want?"

His eyes gleamed with mischief. He muttered something with a quiet voice, knowing very well that I'd hear him.

I was at his side in less than a second. "What?"

"You heard me. I want you to show me how to do that, so I can try it on you. Then you should probably show me again."

"Don't say things like that when I have to concentrate on serious business!" I was almost ready to scream from frustration. "Later!"

We stepped into the kitchen and the first thing I saw was a stunned look on Oz's blushing face. Oh, god! I'd completely forgotten about his abilities. He'd probably heard Xander's little comment about impaling vampires and… . I couldn't help groaning when I realized that even if Xander had kept his mouth shut, the hairball would have known about us anyway. We hadn't been exactly quiet in the morning.

When no one said anything, I assumed that Oz had kept his muzzle shut and relaxed a little. I didn't want to discuss my relationship with Xander with anyone yet.

Buffy was rummaging through a big plastic bag, and Giles was putting all the groceries in the fridge as she handed them to him. I noticed that he was very careful not to show his disgust when he moved the bags of blood out of his way.

Reaching out, I grabbed a bag and then moved to the cupboard to get the cups. "Xander? Heated?" I raised his cup.

All the mortals stared at the cup, like it could hypnotize them. Moving my hand a little, I grinned as they followed it with their gaze.

My lover smiled a little and nodded. "Sure, why not."

I put the cups in the microwave. Willow turned back to scrub the stove clean and Oz continued to get in her way. Xander sat down to watch his friends.

Giles finished filling the fridge, and then piled some cans onto the counter. It was interesting to watch all that they'd bought. I was a bit amused by the way Xander sighed as the Watcher put a box of cookies on the table. Poor dear. It had been so long since I'd eaten anything but blood, I wasn't even envious of all the different flavors the mortals could explore. Buffy began to tear the box open just as the little 'ping' once again announced that our meal was ready, and all the mortals froze again.

Grabbing the cups, I walked to the table and handed Xander his meal. He had an impish smile on his lips as he raised his cup and saluted at me with it.

"Bon Appetit." I raised the cup also, and then brought it to my lips.

Buffy put the empty bag into the trash can and then motioned towards the door with her head. The other mortals scurried after her, giving us some privacy to finish our breakfast.

I looked at Xander, and we both burst into laughter. We tried to muffle it of course, so our friends wouldn't be offended, but the whole situation was so hilarious, we couldn't help chuckling. We stopped laughing when the door opened again, and Buffy sneaked into the kitchen. She smiled apologetically and then grabbed the little bag that she'd left on a chair.

Her face was definitely burning when she carried the bag of toilet paper out of the kitchen.

"Buffy!"

She froze at the door, and then turned slowly to face Xander. "What?"

"You don't have to act like that while we're eating. You know, staring at us like we're doing something bizarre, wondering what we'll do next. It's nothing exotic, anyway. It's just cow. We don't eat people."

"Oh." Buffy blinked a few times and then a smile spread on her lips. "Too bad, I was hoping I could talk you into going to dinner at Principal Snyder's..."

Once again my lover almost spat a mouthful of blood on the tablecloth. The Slayer winked at me and then walked out.

I glanced at Xander. "That went well."

"Yeah. Now shut up, and eat."

Xander finished his meal and then put his cup into the sink. He stretched, and then brushed his hair off his forehead with his hand.

That little gesture caught my attention. His hair was shorter now than it had been when I'd first met him, but the dark mass of hair was still beautiful. A few locks curled slightly over the ears and suddenly I didn't care about the rest of dinner. I wanted to do something so bad, it burned me.

The others were already in the living room, so I didn't have to worry about them hearing. I swallowed a few times and then decided to go ahead and just ask. "Xander? Can I…" My mouth continued to move, but no words came out.

"You want to do that 'stake through the vampire' -thing?" He wiggled his eyebrows.

"No. I mean yes! Later, not here in the kitchen. But I want to do something else first."

"What?" Xander looked curious.

"Can I brush your hair?" I breathed it out, waiting for him to start laughing.

He blinked and then ran his fingers through his still damp hair. "You want to brush my hair? Angel, you pervert!"

I recognized the teasing tone and swallowed. Maybe I was way out of my league here. We hadn't even talked about feelings, it was possible that I was the only one here who wanted us to spend eternity together.

"Angel? Did I say something wrong?"

"No. I think I should..." Of course he didn't understand what I was asking. It wasn't exactly something we advertised. Maybe we should talk about it later. I made a little move towards the door.

Xander's hand grabbed my arm. "Is this hair-thing something significant? Like in a relationship between two vampires?"

I nodded. "Yes."

"Oh. Okay, you can brush my hair whenever you want to. Let's go to the living room with the others. I'll grab my brush on the way there."

It was my turn to stop him. "I think we should wait until we are somewhere private. If we start to mess with hair, Giles will know what's going on."

"He will?" Xander looked surprised. "It's that big a thing?"

"Yes." It really was.

"Tell me about it."

I took a deep breath. "If a vampire does it to his fledgling, it's about control. It's a very intimate gesture and doing it without asking the other one's permission shows that one has complete domination over the other."

Xander looked appalled and I raised my hand. "Let me finish. Like I said, I'm not considering you as my childe. I'm asking you to let me do it to you, out of friendship and caring. And then maybe you could..."

"I could what?"

"You could do the same for me." My voice quivered a little. I'd never asked it from anyone before.

He was quiet for a moment. Then he took my hand in his. "Angel? Why do I get the feeling that there's more to this? Is there something I ought to know?"

My throat was dry. Why the hell did this have to happen now that we had things to do? Why couldn't the world just stand still and let us have a century or two to deal with this? "Xander… Vampires don't buy each other flowers. We don't buy each other rings. We don't exchange vows in front of a priest. We have other ways to show complete trust and devotion. Like sharing the same...um, victim, or in our case, a cup, or... "

"... brushing each other's hair?" His voice indicated that he'd gotten the idea. "Angel, what will happen when we defeat Thorwald?"

I looked him straight in the eye. "Then we'll continue on with our, well, lives until the next bad guy comes into town."

"And we'll continue living together?"

"For as long as you want to."

"What if I want to stay here for as long as I live? Or am among the living dead or something."

"If you do, you'll make me the happiest vampire on earth." I smiled at him, keeping my face normal with the last thread of my control. "Xander, I lo…"

"Hey, come on, guys. Did you decide to drain the whole damn cow?"

Buffy's teasing words broke the moment and I jumped away from Xander. "We'll be right there!" I smiled at Xander. "You go on ahead. I'll wash the dishes first." I needed some time alone. All the emotions were on the surface and I wanted to be calm when I went to see the others.

Xander didn't make a move to leave the kitchen. "Do we keep this a secret?"

I didn't know how to interpret that calm tone of voice. "Do you want it to be a secret?"

"I asked you first."

"Okay. No, I don't want to hide this from them. After we've dealt with Thorwald, we should tell them all."

Xander nodded. "Sounds like a plan. There's no need to bring this out in the open now. It'll just distract them."

"Good." I didn't tell him about Oz already knowing about us. The wolfboy wouldn't say anything. His reaction to all this was a positive sign. I doubted that the others would have any problems with the fact that Xander and I were both male. They'd probably be shocked about the fact that it was the two of us who were having a romantic relationship. Well, I'd worry about that later.

We kissed and then he went to find our friends.

After washing the dishes, I walked to the living room. The others were already there. Xander was sitting on the couch and I couldn't help myself. It was almost like he was drawing me towards him. I sprawled next to him.

Buffy was telling us how things had gone at school that day. Apparently Principal Snyder had whined about the sudden 'field trip', but finally, when he'd realized that the most annoying students would be out of school for at least a day, he'd granted his permission.

I couldn't keep my attention on the conversation, even though it was really amusing. Not when Xander was sitting next to me, fingering his hair with a soft smile on his lips. At first he seemed to do it unconsciously, but then I noticed the way he glanced at me from the corner of his eye. He was playing with me. Even so, it was impossible to keep my eyes off him. That strong hand caressing those silky strands, making his hair all mussed. My hands itched for a brush. Or maybe I could just run my fingers through his hair, letting that softness slide through my fingers, taking in the scent of his shampoo, massaging his scalp.

Gradually I realized that all talk in the room had ceased.

"Angel? Is something wrong?"

I glanced at Buffy, frowning at the tone of her voice. She sounded disturbed by something. "What?"

"Your face..."

My hands flew to touch my face even though I already knew what had happened. The desire to be with Xander had been too strong for me to have any control over my emotions. Fang time.

Xander looked at me and sighed. "It must be the pressure. Stress and all."

I'd had enough of his teasing. All my intentions of keeping this whole relationship a secret went straight out the window. I got to my feet and snarled, "Come with me. Now."

"Angel? What's going on?"

Ignoring Buffy's question, I stormed out of the living room, knowing that Xander was following me.

When we reached the bedroom, I slammed him against the wall. "Business before pleasure. Understand that! We need our wits when we face Thorwald and spending every waking hour trying to crawl into each other's pants is definitely distracting us! I don't want you to get killed because we've been too horny to plan what to do the day after tomorrow."

Xander grimaced, but he didn't say anything.

"Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes. Sorry." He looked like he'd just committed a horrendous crime. "I won't play anymore."

I touched his cheek gently. "Good. 'Cause this isn't a game."

The happy smile on his lips told me that everything was all right again.

We returned to the living room. I noticed the odd way Willow and Giles glanced at us, but since they didn't say anything, I didn't pay much attention to them.

"Let's talk about business."

The plan we made was actually quite simple. We'd go to the school when the sun set on the Spring Equinox, carrying enough stakes, crosses and holy water to kill an army of vampires.

Xander squinted his eyes. "Couldn't we make some preparations? Like put crosses on the walls, or sprinkle holy water all over the floors?"

"There's an idea." Buffy smiled.

"Not really. That will only make Thorwald mad. He has time to wait until the next Spring Equinox and he can use that time to hunt you down and kill you. You can't stay here forever."

She grimaced. "You're right. So we need to destroy the Tear. Willow? Have you found out anything about that 'power of Freya' -thing?"

Willow opened the book she'd been holding in her lap. "I found this quote about love conquering all. It says that the evil can be stopped with 'a love in the light, a love in the darkness, a love to save the world'. That still doesn't tell us what to do, though."

"No, but at least we have material we can work with."

We all stared at Giles. What did he mean?

The Watcher cleared his throat. "I hope I'm not making anyone uncomfortable here, but..."

"Just say it."

"Um... A co-slayer and a werewolf. That kind of fits the description, don't you think?"

Willow and Oz both blushed. Then the boy nodded. "Yeah. I guess that sounds right. We do have all those qualities, don't we?"

It was probably the longest sentence I'd ever heard from Oz. So it really was love.

Giles smiled slightly and then sobered up again. "We do have a problem, though. I got a call from a friend of mine from England. It seems that some of the young vampires have left London to join Thorwald's gang."

Thorwald had groupies? Young people!

Xander cocked his head. "How many?"

"Five or six. But there might be others coming from all around Europe. Not to mention vampires from around here."

"Hey, what if I tried to infiltrate our enemy? You know, as a young fan of Thorwald's." Xander was frowning.

I glared at my young, foolish lover. "Don't even think about that."

"Come on! It's the perfect way to handle this. Thorwald has never seen me. I can join his gang."

"No! Absolutely not!"

Xander glowered at me. "You can't stop me."

Oh, really? "Just try me."

We stared at each other, neither of us willing to back off. Then Willow cleared her throat. "I think Angel is right. You shouldn't risk your life, Xander."

"But..."

"You know we're right. Stop arguing."

Thank god for that girl. Xander muttered something, but then he shrugged. "Okay. Fine."

"Now that's settled, Angel, could I take a look at your library? Just in case there's something we've missed."

I wasn't certain if Giles really wanted to go through my books or if he just wanted to break the tension, but it didn't really matter. We all went to the study, where all my books were, and then the Watcher walked straight over to the bookshelves.

My book collection was quite impressive, even if I do say so myself. Going through it was a waste of time, though. I knew there was nothing about the Tear of Odin there. I'd checked that out the night before Xander became a vampire.

"What's this?"

I turned to see Giles picking up something from the top shelf. A small bundle of green leather. The Watcher unwrapped a book from it, and I squinted my eyes, trying to read its name. Then I remembered why it was wrapped in that piece of thick leather. "The paper is made of a... No!"

Xander's hand began to steam the instant he grabbed a hold of the book. I swatted the heavy volume off his hand, not caring when it stung me too.

The others stared at us. I held Xander's hand in mine, trying to see how badly he'd been burned. "The book's pages have been sprinkled with holy water. I've never been able to read it." It was supposed to be a very important book, so I hadn't thrown it away. I'd just tossed it somewhere where it would be safe and then forgotten all about it.

"Xander? Are you all right?" Willow's voice sounded strangled.

My lover was still staring at our joined hands. He was shaking a little, his face still contorted with pain and fear. "No... What? I'm okay."

Buffy approached us slowly. When I let go of Xander's hand, she grabbed it. "I know... I _knew_ what had happened to you, and I saw you eat and all, but..." She raised her free hand to Xander's face and followed the creases of his game face with her fingers. "I never realized what it really meant."

"I'm a vampire." His words were calm. So was his face now.

"Yeah. It's just so weird to think of you as a vampire, since all the vampires I've ever met are bloodsucking fiends." She tensed. "Almost all, that is."

Giles looked up from the book. "When we've dealt with Thorwald, we should try to find out why you still have your soul. You're the first vampire in the history of the earth who's had his soul from the start. It will be fascinating to observe you."

"Observe me? What am I, a lab rat?"

The Watcher almost started to object, but when he saw Xander smile, he snorted and turned back to the book. He browsed through it, his eyes widening. "My god! This is it."

"Did you find something interesting?"

"Interesting?" Giles waved the book in the air. "This book describes many ancient rituals where people try to draw power from a magical object. There's a whole chapter on the Tear of Odin."

Buffy squealed with joy and hugged her Watcher. I just shook my head. Wonders never ceased. What a _surprise_ we happened to find the book we needed.

"It will take time for me to translate this, though. We need to be absolutely certain of every single aspect of the ritual. I wish I had my dictionaries with me. Angel, do you have..."

I gestured at the topmost shelf on the left. "There."

He hurried to find the correct book and then started to translate the ancient text.

The night was quite different from the previous one. We spent most of the time trying not to talk about the Equinox, concentrating on various books and TV-shows. Very awkward. The mortals were determined to stay up too, so they'd get used to being awake at night. Xander's constant presence was soothing, but after a few hours I was getting a bit annoyed with the others. Two centuries of solitude did that to a person.

Giles and Willow kept glancing at me every fifteen minutes. Whenever I caught them staring, they blushed and averted their eyes, the Watcher returning to the old book and the girl gluing her gaze back to the TV. I didn't know what to think of that. It was quite obvious that they suspected something, but I wasn't certain what it was. I also had no idea how they'd react if we told them about our relationship.

Relationship. I liked that. The word indicated that we had a future together.

Xander and I didn't sneak into the kitchen that morning. We'd already eaten so much in the evening, neither of us needed a late night snack. A few hours before the sunrise I thought I'd go insane if I had to spend one more minute talking with the others and escaped to the wash room. It was about time to do the laundry.

After hanging the clothes and the table cloth up to dry, I headed back to the living room. I noticed how Giles and Willow glanced at me when I walked over to Xander. Ignoring them, I patted his shoulder. "It's almost sunrise."

"Oh, right. I'd completely lost track of time." He put the remote control back on the table and got up. "Thanks for reminding me."

Giles exchanged an odd look with Willow and stepped up next to Xander. "Could I speak to you in private for a moment before you go to bed, please?"

"Sure." The young man shrugged, trying to sound nonchalant. "I'm not in any hurry." He didn't sound all that convincing.

I smiled at the impatience in his voice. It was good to know that I wasn't the only one who thought that business was definitely over for the night.

Oz glanced at me when he went after Willow, but I couldn't read his expression. Since he didn't say anything, I figured he had no intention of interfering in my relationship with Xander.

There was that word again.

The first thing I did when I got to the bedroom was to change the sheets. I'd completely forgotten that earlier. I carried them to the hamper and made sure that I grabbed the lubricant from the bathroom cabinet on my way back to the bedroom. No need to even think about the hair gel this time.

Xander hadn't finished his little talk with Giles yet, and I paced around the small room. I was getting nervous. It was very important for me to make things perfect for both of us, and this waiting didn't do my self restraint any good. My gaze drifted to the brush that was lying on the bedside table and I walked over to it. Fingering the familiar little object usually calmed me.

It didn't this time.

Eavesdropping is not nice, I know, but I couldn't help tuning into Xander's voice. Waiting for him to show up was making me so tense, I was afraid I'd just jump him the moment I saw him. This way I'd know when he was coming. Maybe I could control my urge to maul him on the floor if his arrival wasn't a surprise.

It was easy to find his voice. It was louder than usual and there was a hint of horror in it.

"What? You really think he'd do something like that?"

Giles sounded apologetic. "I'm sorry, Xander, but it seems to me that he's already doing that. You live here with him. He's ordering you around, making you obey him. I'm just telling you to be careful. He might try to..."

"Try what?"

"It's documented that vampires use their childer to perform certain..." The Watcher sighed. "He might use you."

"Use me?"

"Um... Yes. He might ask you to... It's common for the older vampires to make the younger... Um... Be intimate with them."

Xander was quiet for a moment. "You mean he might ask me to have sex with me? Just because he made me a vampire?"

I closed my eyes.

"Yes. And you might not be able to refuse him. You don't even seem to be refusing his orders now. It's very common for new vampires to have the urge to please their sire by obeying their every command. You know that."

"Yeah, I do. But Angel said this isn't about me being his childe."

Giles was quiet for a moment. Then he asked, "Did he say what this is about, whatever 'this' is?"

"No." Xander said with a quiet voice. "Look, Giles, I'm pretty sure that you're worried for nothing. Maybe."

I sat on the foot of the bed with my brush in my hand. My hand hurt, but I couldn't stop squeezing the handle. Listening to Giles' explanation made me want to run into the living room and shake the man. God, did the Watcher really think so little of me? And what did Xander mean with his last remark?

Oh, no! What if he really thought he had to give his body to me? But no, we'd already talked about it. He'd said that he wanted me.

Wanted, yes. But we hadn't said a word about love.

The Watcher sounded sad. "Just be careful."

"Don't worry, Giles. I'll be all right."

Xander's words and the following footsteps made me jolt out of my gloomy thoughts. I didn't even have the time to get up before he shoved the door open and stepped inside the bedroom.

His face was calm, but there was doubt in his eyes. When he saw what I was holding in my hands he swallowed. "Do you want me to sit in front of you on the floor so you can reach my hair better?"

The cold tone made it sound like he was asking me if I wanted him to drop his pants and just lean over the table. My hands started to shake. "No."

"So you don't want to play with my hair anymore? Fine. Let's move on." Xander moved his hands to the collar of his shirt and began to unbutton it.

The brush fell on the floor as I scrambled off the bed. "Stop that!"

"Now you don't want me after all?" He gestured at the tube that was on the nightstand. "It doesn't look that way to me."

"It's not what you think."

Xander laughed mirthlessly. "No? Tell me what it is, then."

"It's not about control, it's not about a sire-childe relationship. I do want you, but only if you want me, too."

"I really want to believe you, but Giles..."

"Yeah, I heard. He's wrong."

"Prove it."

My mind was racing. "How?"

"I don't know!" Xander sounded tired. "I don't know anything anymore! First I realize that I have the hots for the guy who made Attila the Hun look like a saint. Then when I try to make peace with him, I turn into a vampire. And then, when everything seems to be all right, I hear that..."

"You had the hots for me? You cared for me before all this started?"

"Yeah."

This emotional roller coaster was really too much for me. I sat back on the bed and ran my hand across my face. "Tell me, Xander, what would convince you that I don't want to use you?"

He was quiet for a while. "Why didn't you want me to join the other young vampires?"

"I don't want to lose you. If they find out you're one of us, they'll kill you."

"But don't you see, if there are other young vampires coming here to join Thorwald, why would they get suspicious of me? That way..."

"You could get killed. Thorwald will tell his gang to tie you to a tree or something so you can wait for the first rays of the sun. And then you'll die. You'll fry like a moth in a flame and the last sound you hear will be..."

"Why do you care?" Xander growled. "Why do you care if I die hearing my own screams echoing in my ears?"

"I care, because it won't be your voice you'll hear. It'll be mine. If you insist on killing yourself, you'd better be prepared to see me fry too." I groaned, feeling my face twitch again.

He gaped at me. "What?"

"Don't you get it? I don't ever want to lose you! I love you."

"You do?" Xander's voice was full of wonder. "Really? I love you, too."

He was an idiot. I was an idiot. And then the older idiot was kissing the younger like my life depended on it. My face was back to normal and I could feel his lips against mine. My hands grasped his soft hair and held his head still as my mouth devoured his. I nibbled and licked his lips, drinking in his taste, reveling in it. It was wild and passionate and when I finally raised my head I was panting. More out of emotional exhaustion than physical. Breathing was more a habit than a necessity.

But I needed air to form words. "I really do love you. You, Alexander Harris. Never doubt that."

Xander stared at me with his eyes wide open. Then he began to struggle to get free from my grip.

I let him go, but he didn't go far. He closed the door, turned the key and then returned to the bed.

The rational part of me wanted to object when Xander began to undress me. We'd been through quite a shock and it would have been better to just go to sleep and deal with all this intimacy the next evening.

My body had other plans, though, and soon we were both naked, once again thrusting against each other. That last thread of sanity won a small victory when I slapped the tube out of Xander's hand and just moved faster against him. It was enough for now. Anything more intense would have probably killed me.

Afterwards, when we lay glued to each other, Xander traced my collar bone with his finger, fidgeting a little. I waited for a moment and then asked, "Are you going to do that all day, or do you think you might actually tell me what's bothering you?"

"Nothing's bothering me. I was just thinking about the future. It's still hard to believe that you want me here forever." He looked into my eyes. "No one's ever wanted me for that long."

I remembered the way his parents had treated him. Apparently I would spend the next decade or two convincing him that this was real. I rolled on top of him and growled playfully. "Believe it. You're _mine_ , Xander and we'll be together for as long as we both shall live. Or be dead. Whatever." Great. Now I was even starting to talk like him.

Xander realized that I was playing with him, and grinned. "You're so macho, Angel."

I laughed with him, but then I sobered up. Not wanting him to think that what I'd said was just a joke, I said, "I really meant it. Forever. If that's what you want." I had to add that. He wasn't even eighteen yet. It was quite possible he didn't want to even think about making a commitment like that.

"Yeah. Forever. I like the sound of it." He squirmed away from me and then fished something from the floor.

My eyes widened as I saw the small object. Xander smiled at me as I took it from him and then he turned his back to me. At first my hands trembled so badly, I had trouble holding the brush, but after a few minutes I forgot all about being nervous and just began to enjoy my task. We both knew what it meant, and it was comforting to express our feelings like that. I'd thought his hair would be soft, but the reality went beyond all the fantasies.

When I'd finished with his hair, I handed him the brush. For the first time in over two hundred years I felt someone else's fingers massage my scalp with my permission, without any games or hidden plans. God, I loved every minute of it. I could have spent the whole day sitting there, enjoying his touch.

We didn't have the luxury of that, though. If we wanted to be in top shape to face Thorwald, we couldn't afford a sleepless day. Xander looked as disappointed as I felt when we lay down and put the light out.

* * *

The next night was a disaster.

Now that we knew that the next evening we'd face danger, it was really irritating to just sit and wait. We did make some preparations, sharpening stakes, bottling holy water and all, but since Xander and I could only help with the sharpening, it got a bit boring after a few hours.

I'd finally found someone to love, someone I could have with me for the rest of eternity, but instead of spending the whole night making plans for the future with him, or better yet, making love with him, I had to concentrate on preparing myself for a fight.

The fact that Xander kept staring at me certainly didn't help.

Giles had translated most of the text and he gave us a lecture about the ritual. Thorwald and his followers would paint a big triangle on the floor with red paint. The Watcher illustrated his story by drawing a triangle on a big piece of paper and he gestured at it with his pencil. "The three points will focus the power on the Tear. The one who wants to rule the world stands there," he gestured at one point. "The sacrifice there and the Tear is put there. When the time is right, they're all drawn to the center and then..."

He browsed through the book and frowned. "I'm not completely sure what will happen, but apparently the Tear will grant all the powers to the one who makes the sacrifice."

"We'd better make sure that Thorwald won't even get the chance to paint that triangle," Buffy huffed. "Where do you think he'll do that, anyway?"

We all looked at each other and then said in unison. "The library."

"That's the logical choice. After all, that's where the Hellmouth opened. It's safe to assume that it's the most powerful place here." Giles adjusted his glasses. "Maybe we should make some preparations after all. The school is empty tomorrow. We could sneak in there sometime during the day and hide all the necessary equipment in the library."

I shook my head. "It's too risky. You're supposed to be on that field trip, remember?"

"They are. I'm not."

Oz's quiet words made me sigh with relief. We'd have a huge advantage over Thorwald. I just hoped this time it would work. The last time we'd thought we were two steps ahead of the Scandinavian, we'd ended seeing him get the cup.

"Let's plan where all the stakes and crosses should be put."

After we'd made a plan we could all agree on, Xander held up a hand. "How will we get to the school? Should Angel and I go there before sunrise and then wait there until tomorrow evening? There are lots of closets and storage rooms we can sleep in."

He wanted to get into a closet with me? I was beginning to realize why he'd laughed every time we'd talked about closets. His idea wasn't all that good, though. "I don't think we should go there. Thorwald might have the same idea and I don't want to spend the whole day fighting against his people."

I noticed that Giles glanced at Willow again. It was getting really annoying. I wanted to grab them both and scream that I loved Xander and that our disagreement had nothing to go with me being his sire or anything as creepy as that. Of course I didn't do anything like that. It could wait until this thing with Thorwald was over.

"I..." Xander sighed with resignation. "I guess you're right. So we'll all go there as soon as the sun sets?"

The two mortals shared another one of those _looks_.

Ignoring them, I nodded at Xander. "Sounds good. That means we should get to bed a few hours before the sunrise so we can rest, though."

He smiled at me.

We gathered all the vampire slaying stuff into bags and carried them into the outer hallway. Oz could grab them from there. The crosses and bottles of holy water would all be put in the library, as well as most of the stakes. We'd take the rest of the weapons with us the next evening.

Willow pulled Oz with her into the guest bedroom. Xander was looking a little anxious to leave the others and he padded to the bathroom to take a shower. I walked through the house, feeling a bit odd. The waiting was almost over. A few hours of sleep and then we'd get ready to leave to meet Thorwald. As soon as the last rays of the sun disappeared, we'd head towards the school.

I didn't really want to think of what would happen then.

After my little tour, I headed to my bedroom. I wanted to be there, waiting, when Xander finished his shower. It didn't take long for me to remove my shirt and pants, and I slipped between the sheets. I wanted to leave some work for Xander, too. Slowly undressing one's lover was a perfect way to start a day.

There was a knock on the door. Scenting who it was, I sighed. It would have been best to wait until this mess with Thorwald was over, but the way Giles and Willow had acted all night made it impossible. The atmosphere had been tense and, of course, Buffy had noticed it.

"Come on in."

She stepped inside my bedroom, smiling apologetically when she saw that I was already in bed. "Am I disturbing you?"

"No. Sit down." I gestured towards a chair.

Buffy lowered herself on the chair and took a deep breath. "I need to know what's going on here. I know I don't have any right to ask you about your private life, but something big is obviously going on. Giles and Willow know something about it, and I get the feeling that Oz does too."

"You're right."

"So, what is it? I hate to be left in the dark."

I didn't know how to say it to her. Telling her about Xander and me would just hurt her. "Buffy…"

The door opened and Xander stepped inside, wearing my old bathrobe. When he saw Buffy, he froze. "I didn't know you were here."

"I needed to talk with Angel. What are you doing here? I thought you were going to bed."

Xander had a desperate look on his face, and his gaze flickered to the bed. Then he glanced at me. "Uh, I..."

Buffy stared at him and then turned slowly to face me. "Angel? Are you two sleeping together?"

At least it was a straight question and I could give a straight answer. "Yes."

Xander walked to the bed and sat down next to me, squeezing his hands together.

"And when you say you're sleeping together, do you mean that you're sharing the bed for safety reasons or are you really sleeping together?" Buffy's voice was unnaturally calm.

I looked at Xander, not knowing how I should answer. He'd said that he didn't want it to be a secret, but I wasn't sure if he wanted to be completely open with the others.

He smiled a little when he saw my questioning look. "We're really sleeping together."

"I see." Her voice was still perfectly calm. She stared at Xander for a moment and then turned back to me. "Is this because you made him? Are you just using him like you've used other vampires you made?

I flinched. No matter how many times I'd told myself that it wasn't about that, it still hurt. Darla had used me. Angelus had used all his fledglings. But I'd never even imagined using anyone like that. Her question stung me. After all, we'd been very close once. If she really doubted my motivations, she obviously didn't trust me anymore. "No." It was just a whisper. I didn't have the strength to say anything else.

Xander was shaking his head. "I started this. Even before I became a vampire, I wanted to be with him."

Buffy didn't say anything. She just kept her eyes on my face.

"He's very special to me. I'm not going to hurt him. Ever."

"Does he make you happy?" Her question was almost a whisper.

"Yes." I hated to see the pain in her eyes. Her words brought back to me our last conversation as a couple, a few days after I came back from... there. It was the first time we admitted to ourselves that maybe our love wasn't enough. We could never make each other really happy.

"I'm..." Buffy's voice broke. She made a small gesture with her hands. "Happy for you two. Excuse me..."

I watched her make a dignified exit. Her perfectly measured footsteps echoed in the hallway. My mind was in a turmoil of all sorts of emotions. In a way I wanted to run after her, to make things all right with her. On the other hand, I wanted to grab Xander and drown all my hesitations and fears in him. I didn't want to see anyone hurt, but whatever I did next, someone would be in pain.

"Angel?"

Xander's soft voice made me look up at him. "You should go and tell her... You know. Say something that'll make it easier for her."

"I don't think there's such a thing."

"Okay, maybe not, but I think that it would mean a lot to her if you try to explain this whole thing to her."

I took his hand in mine. "How can I explain this to her? I know what I feel, but..."

"We both loved her once." He squeezed my hand. "We still do, as a friend. Just tell her that we'll both care about her, no matter what."

"You sure?"

After seeing Xander nod, I rushed after Buffy. I followed her heartbeat back to the living room. When I reached the door, I froze.

She was standing by the window, looking out into the darkness. Her shoulders shook a little, but she didn't make any noise. It was like she didn't want to show her emotions even to the empty room. Or maybe she tried to convince herself that she wasn't hurt. I'd done that more times than I can remember. As long as there were no tears, I wasn't really crying.

I hovered at the door, wondering what to do. I'd already hurt her so deeply.

A small rustling sound made me sink deeper into the shadows. A dark form rose from the couch and took a few hesitant steps towards Buffy. I watched quietly as Giles walked to his Slayer and then stood there, right behind her. Not touching her, not saying a word. He was just standing there, being there. And his presence did more for her than would a thousand apologies from me.

Buffy gasped something and then I heard her start to cry.

The last thing I saw before I turned around and walked away was her leaning against the Watcher.

I returned to the bedroom. Xander was sitting on the edge of the bed, smiling a little when he saw me. I didn't say anything, I just walked to him and pulled him into my arms. We lay down, still holding onto each other, taking comfort from the touch. The sun hadn't risen yet, but I fell into a fitful slumber anyway.

* * *

Xander's fidgeting woke me up a couple of hours later. I tried to ignore his tossing and turning for a while, but then I sat up, rubbing my eyes. I glared at my lover, but he ignored me completely.

He was obviously concentrating on something. "Xander?"

"Shh... I'm listening."

Like I said, eavesdropping isn't all that nice, but I couldn't help tuning into the conversation, too. Willow and Oz. So, he'd been very quick with the delivery. The girl was trying to convince the wolfboy into something. I listened for a few minutes, trying to find out what it was all about.

Willow's voice was so clear, it was almost like she was standing next to me. "I know we decided to wait, but this might be our only chance. Oz, please. I really want to do this."

The boy's answer was nonverbal, and I tuned them out. I didn't think it was appropriate to listen to all the soft noises that followed the apparent kiss. I turned to Xander and saw that he was obviously not paying attention to Willow and Oz anymore. He was staring at me, a strange look on his face.

"What is it?"

He turned to get something from the nightstand. "We have a few hours before the sunset. Let's not waste it on sleeping."

My eyes widened as I saw the familiar tube. No, it definitely wasn't the hair gel. "Xander..."

"Don't. I want this."

"But..."

Xander shook his head. "I _really_ want you." He moved a little closer to me and squirmed against me. "Do you want me?"

I couldn't help gasping as I felt his hardness. So it wasn't just desperation talking. "Yes! Of course I want you!"

"Then let's do it." He pushed the tube into my hand.

There was so much determination and no fear in his voice, I didn't think to question his request.

"Which way do you want to do this?" I had to ask. We'd talked about control and domination the previous evening, and I wanted to make it perfectly clear that it wasn't about that.

Xander stretched. "Like I said, I think you should do it to me first, so I know what to do when I do it to you." His voice was calm when he added, "Tomorrow morning."

I looked straight at him when I uncapped the tube. There was a small flicker of fear in his eyes. "Xander? I'm more than willing to let you do this to me first. I want you."

"So take me." He smiled at his words, and I felt the tension oozing away from him. "Listen to me, I sound like a Harlequin romance heroine. Not that I know anything about Harlequin romances, it's just that Willow used to read them and... Damn, let's just do this."

It wasn't all that easy to maintain my aroused state when I was rolling on the bed, howling with laughter. When I could talk again, I grabbed Xander. "Whatever you want."

The tube was forgotten for the moment. I didn't want it to be just sex. I wanted to make love to him. Call me old fashioned, but that's the way I am. As a mortal, I had been stupid, and Angelus... Well, it was about possession and need and desire, and never love. I wanted this to be nothing like my past. Xander and I could spend ages holding each other, kissing lazily like we had forever for this. There was no need to rush things.

Xander slid his hands up my back, helping me to remove my T-shirt. After removing his shirt too, we pulled each others' boxers off. I watched him with a small smile on my lips, and then ran my palm across his chest. "This will be great."

"I certainly hope so. What do I do next?" There was no trace of fear or hesitance in him now.

"Just let me do all the work."

"And lie here like a dead fish? No way!" Xander patted the mattress, trying to find the tube of lubricant. "What do we do with this?"

I took the tube from his hand and opened the cap. "First I'll put this in you. Then you can put it all over me."

No further instructions were needed. I took my time tracing small circles all over his upper body before moving my fingers closer to his groin. Xander moaned as I found a specially sensitive spot right below his belly button, and I concentrated on that area for a moment before continuing my way down.

Stroking his erection slowly, I reached out for the lube so I could prepare him for what we both wanted. He let out a strangled gasp as my finger entered him for the first time, but didn't tense at the touch. Even so, I stopped moving. "Are you all right?"

"I won't be if you stop to ask that every five minutes." He sounded annoyed. "I'll tell you if I want you to stop. Now shut up and concentrate on my butt."

I smiled a little as I continued touching him. I should have known he'd say something like that.

When I heard him groan again I glanced at his face, but didn't stop touching him. He had closed his eyes, and was now arching his neck, pushing his head against the pillow. Adding another finger, I didn't stop for a moment even when he began to pant. I took that as a good sign. If he was so far gone that he couldn't even remember that he didn't really have to breathe, I was definitely doing something right.

Xander moaned my name, bucking under my touch. I loved the way he acted, moving totally with abandon, enjoying himself and showing it. He didn't hold back, didn't try to control his frantic movements or the wonderful noises he made. I stilled my hand for a moment, wanting to see what he'd do. His eyes flew wide open, his pupils dilated.

"Angel..." He wailed, and began to thrust himself onto my fingers.

My god! He was incredible. I'd never had such a responsive lover, and that's not small praise, considering my age. His expression was so ecstatic, that for a moment I thought I should just push him over the edge with my touch, and then do it again when I made love to him. But since it was his first time, I thought it would be a more intense experience for him if I pulled him away from the edge now, and then pushed us _both_ over it. Together.

Xander moaned with disappointment as I removed my fingers, but when he saw me reach for the lubricant again, he smiled. "It's about time."

Covering my erection with the slick liquid, I couldn't help panting a little as I answered him, "Yes, it is. Ready?"

"I've been ready for ages."

Rubbing his side, I leaned closer to him. "I think it would be best if you moved a little." I helped him to get into a better position, so that I could move between his legs.

"You mean we can do it like this? Will that work?"

His question made me smile. I'd have a wonderful time showing him all the things we could do in bed. "Yes. You can bet on it." After kissing the tip of his erection, I nibbled my way up his chest and finally captured his lips in a soft kiss. "This might hurt a little. Just tell me if you want me to stop."

Xander shook his head. "I won't."

"Don't say that yet. I'll try to be as careful as I can, but..."

"Angel. Just do it."

My whole being was throbbing with desire. He looked so wonderful, lying there waiting for me. I nuzzled his neck and then slowly pushed myself inside him.

He tensed instantly. "Ouch! Take it slowly!" It was obvious that he wasn't enjoying it anymore.

"Do you want me to stop?" I wasn't too far gone yet. If he really wanted me to back off, I would. It would have killed me, but I _would_ have backed off.

"I don't know." Xander panted, squeezing my arms. "I didn't think it would be this... big."

Raising my hand to his face, I smoothed the sweaty strands of hair off his forehead. "I don't want to hurt you. We don't need to do this now."

Xander didn't say anything. He just pulled my head closer and kissed me. When I raised my head again, I saw a little smile on his face as he nodded at me. "I want it. Go on. Slowly."

Flexing my hips a little, I sunk deeper into his tightness.

I moved agonizingly slow, glad that I couldn't have a coronary. It was so hot, so _perfect_ , I had trouble keeping calm. Every fiber of my being urged me to move faster, to bury myself inside him, but that was the last thing I could do. This wasn't just mindless sex with a one night stand, not a game to break someone, not a desperate need to find some kind of a redemption. This was _Xander_. I kept watching his face all the time, stilling instantly when he grimaced, continuing only when his expression relaxed.

When I was completely inside him, I moved my hand between our bodies. If it was indeed the only time we would do this, I needed him to really enjoy himself, not just endure it. Beginning to coax his erection back to life, I murmured to him, "I love doing this to you. I love you."

Xander gasped as my hand closed around him and began to stroke him. Soon he was hard again, thrusting into my touch. His involuntary movements almost drove me crazy, but I still stayed put.

"Angel, fuck... do... take... oh, man. _Move_!"

"Thank you!" I gasped, and withdrew from him. Then I pushed back inside, trying to take it slowly. His groan made me freeze, but when I realized that it wasn't from pain, I let go and began to move in and out of him in a steady rhythm. Xander was moaning my name now, encouraging me to move faster.

I could do that.

Every move was bringing me closer to that agonizing peak, from which I'd plunge into sweet oblivion. My lover wrapped his legs around my back and began to rock against me, pulling me closer, deeper.

Xander clung to me like he was drowning. He was close to the edge, his face contorting to show his game face and fangs. I felt the similar change on my own face and groaned. It was so good to be able to enjoy even this moment with him. Not needing to hide, or feel embarrassed. I could be exactly who I was.

Feeling that I couldn't hold back any longer, I locked my eyes with his. "Xander…"

He stilled for a moment. "Angel. I need something... I..."

I knew what he meant, and moved a little to get my head closer to his. Once again something I was glad to give him. We'd shared it before, but then it had been out of necessity. This time we could both just let go and enjoy it. "Yes. Do it." I tilted my head to the side and then felt his teeth on my neck, piercing my skin.

That one, sweet moment of pleasure and pain mixed together seemed to stretch out for eternity. Xander's hands tightened around me and then I felt him suckle the wound he'd just made. The pressure was too much for me. Sharing everything I was with him, I screamed, feeling him spasm under me.

I slumped on top of him, feeling completely exhausted. Xander was totally limp under me. We lay like that for a long time, and then I moved off him. He made a small protesting sound, but then sighed happily as I pulled him into my arms.

"That was unbelievable."

"Yes. It was."

He raised his head to look at me, and his eyes widened. "Angel?" Xander's voice was full of anxiety. "Are you okay?"

I nodded contently. "I've never been better."

"But... Your throat!"

"What about it?" My hand flew to my neck. When I felt the sticky wound I sighed. "Oh, that. Don't worry, it's quite normal. It'll heal in a couple of hours."

He grimaced, shaking his head. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... My god! I...you must think that...."

"It's all right. I wanted you to do it. You didn't harm anyone by biting me. Don't worry about it." I knew what was going through his head. "You didn't feed from me. It was an intimate gesture, nothing more."

"So I didn't hurt you?"

"Hurt me? No, Xander. I loved every minute. And I know I'll love it when you take me later on today."

Mentioning the future made Xander tense. He stared at the ceiling for a moment and then asked, "Tell me the truth, Angel. Do you think we'll survive the Equinox?"

I sighed. "I honestly don't know. Thorwald is strong, and he knows a lot more about this ritual than we do. I guess we just have to do our best."

"Yeah. But will that be enough?"

There was nothing I could say to him. I just pulled him closer to me.

* * *

It was good that the bathroom was right next to my bedroom. That way we didn't bump into anyone when we sneaked out to have a shower. Xander didn't complain about anything, but he did walk a bit strangely. When he noticed that I was looking at him, he glowered at me.

We took turns in the shower. It wouldn't have been a good idea to get into the shower stall together this time.

After slipping back into the bedroom we got dressed. I made a mental note to buy some turtlenecks. The silk shirt didn't cover the 'hickey' Xander had given me.

He stared at the red mark. "You do know that everyone will know what we've done once they see that, don't you?"

"Yes, I do." I ran my fingers across my hair. "It won't be a big surprise. They all either know or at least suspect that we're sharing a bed."

"Oh?"

"Yep. We haven't been all that quiet about this."

Xander thought for a moment, and then I saw heat rising to his face. "My god! Oz."

"He knows. Buffy knows. I'm sure Giles and Willow know that something is going on, too. They probably won't ask, but they will speculate. This may jeopardize our mission tonight." We needed to make a decision. Should we make some big announcement now, or wait until we'd once again saved the world?

"Then maybe we should just tell them that we're madly in love and then go and kick Thorwald's ass."

I looked at him, wondering if he was joking or not. He was smiling wryly, but by the look in his eyes I could tell that he was serious. "How do we do that?"

"I'll think of something." He smirked and then padded to the hallway.

It was still over an hour to sunset, but all the others were already in the kitchen. The only person who reacted to our entrance was Giles. Oz and Willow were staring at each other, both wearing dopey grins on their faces. Buffy was making herself a sandwich. Her back stiffened as she sensed our presence, but she didn't turn to say hello. I hadn't really expected her to.

Xander gestured with his hand and I sat at the table. I was feeling very awkward. A very irritating feeling. After all, it was my home, my kitchen, and I had the right to march there with the man I loved.

"Angel?"

I was startled by the sound of Willow's voice. "What?"

"Oz took the bags to the library, and he didn't see any vampires there."

"That's good."

"So, we were wondering if we should go to the school about half an hour before the sun sets. To make all the preparations." Her voice indicated that they had already made up their mind. "You and Xander can follow us as soon as you can leave the house."

Actually that was a very good idea. "Sure. Go ahead." That way there wouldn't be an ambush waiting for them.

She glanced at the Watcher, who shook his head slightly.

I was getting tired of that. Those two were trying to find a hidden meaning in everything I said. Now they were probably thinking that if it had been Xander who had suggested that the mortals go to the school earlier, I would have objected just out of the principle. Squinting my eyes a little, I adjusted my collar.

Giles' gaze moved to my neck. He blinked a couple of times and then turned to stare at Xander.

My lover was fussing with the microwave, ignoring us all. His body was tense, though, and I wondered what he was up to. I wasn't all that worried about it. I had faith in him.

The mortals all munched their breakfast. No one said a word. Buffy had finished making her sandwich, and she was now sitting next to Giles, taking small bites from her food, keeping her gaze glued to the tabletop. I waited for Xander to finish whatever he was doing, hoping that he'd get on with it. If the silence continued much longer, I'd start to scream.

"Angel? Are you hungry?"

We all turned to look at Xander.

When I saw what he was holding, I smiled. He'd dug my biggest porcelain bowl out of the cupboard and had filled it with blood. Now he was offering it to me. "Come to think of it, I am a bit hungry. Would you mind sharing your... meal with me?"

He raised the bowl. "Not at all. Take it."

I grasped the bowl and brought it slowly to my lips. Keeping my eyes on his, I took a sip, careful not to spill any of the thick liquid. After eating my fill, I handed the bowl back. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." Xander smiled at me and then drank the rest of the blood. The room was so quiet, we could clearly hear him swallow. When he'd finished eating, he put the bowl in the sink and then came to sit next to me. "I made dinner, you clean the mess."

Since he was clearly trying to make a point, I just glowered at him and climbed to my feet. I muttered softly under my breath, so that no one else but Xander would hear, "What next? You gonna order me to vacuum the living room?"

The answer was also spoken softly, "That's a very good idea."

I didn't even bother to answer that. Grabbing the brush, I began to scrub the bowl clean. I could almost feel the mortals eyes at my back. What? Hadn't they ever seen a vampire wash dishes before? Oh, obviously not.

"What are you doing?"

Glancing at Giles, I put the bowl up to dry. "Washing dishes."

"Very funny."

I thought so, too. "Xander made the dinner, I wash the dishes. I think that's fair."

The Watcher looked confused. "Yes, I'd say it's fair, but... I thought... It's not really any of my concern, but..."

"Giles, stop worrying." Xander was smiling at the Brit. "It's really touching how you all want to protect me, but it's completely unnecessary. This is consensual."

If he'd thought that would ease the tension, he was dead wrong. All the mortals turned to stare at me. I groaned. "Would you all just please stop doing that? I'm not a monster who's pushing around an innocent kid. I love him."

" _What_?" Willow yelped. Giles just continued staring at me.

"Don't call me a kid!" Xander glared at me. "If you do, I'll start calling you 'old man'."

I faked a horrified look and shook my head. "I won't. I promise."

"Good."

Giles interrupted our bantering. "You mean that you two are having an affair?" He seemed to realize how that sounded the minute he'd said it and then he was blushing. "I... I mean..."

"Yes, Giles. We're… um, together. I'm sorry if that upsets you somehow, but that's the way things are." Xander's voice was firm. "We didn't want to talk about this before we took care of Thorwald, but since you all acted like Angel was doing something wrong, I thought you should be told now."

The Watcher looked at Xander for a moment. Then his eyes flickered to the right. I followed his gaze and felt a lump in my throat. Buffy was trying to act like everything was all right, but we could both see that she was having a hard time keeping her expression neutral. Giles sighed and then cleared his throat. "Well, now that this is settled, I think it's time we got going."

Buffy was the first to leave the kitchen. The other mortals followed her.

Before stepping into the hallway, Willow glared at me. "You're older and stronger than me, and I know that you can snap my neck in two in a second, but if you hurt Xander, I'll kill you." She paused for a moment and then added. "I'm not saying that I think you'll hurt him, and I'm definitely not jealous, but...

I smiled at her. "Don't worry, Willow. Xander is perfectly safe with me."

"Good." She grinned at her friend and then hurried after the others.

Xander walked to stand behind me. "That wasn't all that bad, was it?"

"Oh yes it was. But at least now we don't have to hide it anymore." And hopefully I wouldn't have to suffer any more _glares_.

* * *

Our friends didn't get all that much of a head start. The sun set about ten minutes after they'd left and Xander and I hurried after them. We didn't talk while we ran towards the school. It was time to concentrate on our job. If we'd spent one more minute talking about _anything_ personal, I would have lost my nerve. Running away sounded a hell of a lot better than running towards danger.

I stopped at the front door. "We'd better split up. I'll go in here, you go to the back and climb in the library window."

Xander squinted his eyes and then nodded. "All right." He seemed to understand the strategic value of splitting up, too.

Thank god he didn't argue with me. I didn't want to let him out of my sight, but we both knew that this way we'd stand a better chance at beating Thorwald.

He took a step away from me and stopped. "Angel..."

"Go."

He didn't turn to look at me, he just disappeared into the shadows. I hoped it wasn't the last time I saw him. That wasn't really an encouraging thought, and I pushed it from my mind.

I saw the others almost as soon as I entered the building. They were fighting against a small group of vampires. It seemed there had been a welcoming party after all. I saw an unconscious young woman lying close to the wall and pulled her farther from the fight. She was obviously the innocent one Thorwald was going to sacrifice if he couldn't get his hands on a convenient Slayer. Carrying her into a classroom, I made sure that she would be safe. She'd probably be shocked to wake up in the school the next day, though.

When I hurried back to my friends, I saw that the little fight was already over. "Did you manage to slay Thorwald?"

"No." Buffy shook her head. "Where's Xander."

I was glad she was able to keep her emotions out of her work. "He went straight to the library. Through the window."

"Good. Let's join him."

Nodding, I followed her down the hallway.

Oz was carrying the bag that was filled with stakes and bottles of holy water. We'd decided that our emergency bag wouldn't have any crosses in it, so Xander and I could use it too. The bottles had been filled so carefully, none of the lethal liquid had spilled and we could safely touch them. They were almost like Molotov cocktails, except that we didn't have to set them on fire before throwing them.

We ran into another group of vampires and this time there were no unconscious innocents to distract us.

Buffy shot one vampire with the crossbow and then hit another one in the face with it. Discarding the weapon, she pulled a stake out of her pocket and drove it through the vampire, who was squirming on the ground, holding her broken nose. I was busy wrestling two screeching enemies, and couldn't really pay attention to what the others were doing.

I was able to impale one of the vampires, but the other one was a bit harder to kill. He was pinning me against the floor when he suddenly turned into a pile of dust. Looking up, I saw Giles standing next to me.

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it." He handed me a stake and turned to see if he could help the others.

Buffy killed the last vampire and then stood there panting. She looked around her, frowning. "Something's wrong. They were going in the wrong direction. The library's that way."

I concentrated on listening for footsteps. "You're right. I hear something coming from down there." I gestured with my hand.

The others turned to see where I was pointing at. Willow groaned. "Oh, no!"

I'd been at the school so many times, I knew immediately where we should go. Knowing Thorwald as I did, I had also a pretty good idea why.

We'd made a big mistake not counting on Thorwald's theatrical nature. The library was quite clearly too small for an audience, and he'd decided to have the ritual somewhere where all his admirers could watch him take over the world of darkness.

The vampires were all heading towards the gym.

"Let's go!" Buffy yelled and began to hurry down the hall.

We didn't have time to get our weapons from the library. Thank god we had brought that last bag of stakes with us. I hoped Xander would realize soon that the ritual wouldn't be held there and he'd come to look for us with some of the arsenal.

Oz had opened the bag, so that if we spotted any danger, he could grab a bottle of holy water in a matter of seconds. He didn't have the chance to use any of them, though. We turned another corner and then promptly ran into Thorwald and over twenty of his followers. When the other vampires noticed us, they came charging at us.

"Don't kill them!" The Scandinavian yelled.

His followers obeyed him. We didn't. Soon half of the attacking vampires had been turned into dust. Most of them were very young and very inexperienced, so fighting against them wasn't all that hard. The rest of the vampires were quite different, though. We fought well, but considering the fact that we were outnumbered, the outcome of the fight was fairly predictable.

We might have won if more of Thorwald's followers hadn't showed up. Now we didn't have a chance.

Two of the vampires pinned me against the wall. I tried to get them off me, but then three more came to keep me down. Thorwald had been standing behind four of his followers, who had been acting as his bodyguards, but now he approached me. He'd obviously recognized me.

"Angelus O'Reilly."

I looked him straight in the eyes. "Not anymore."

"I'd heard you'd lost your mind." He snarled at me.

"Wrong. I just got my soul back."

"That's even worse. Fool! Did you really think your little scheme would work? That you and a few mortals could stop _me_?" Thorwald didn't wait for an answer. "I won't kill you now. I'll wait until you've had the chance to see me as the ruler of the world."

I just smiled at him, not saying a word. There was nothing to say anyway.

He waved his hand at his followers. "Tie him up and bring him with you."

I didn't bother to fight when my hands were yanked behind my back and then tied together. Struggling would just have worsened the situation. Fighting against five vampires, when two of them were keeping me still, would have been stupid, not heroic. It was better to act like I wasn't all that big a threat and then make my move when least expected.

The vampires who had caught me held me against the wall as my friends were captured one by one. It took almost a dozen of the young ones to capture Buffy and Oz. Thorwald's eyes gleamed as he saw the Slayer. "Perfect. Just perfect."

She didn't bother to say anything either.

There were still sounds of fighting, and I turned my head to see what was going on. Willow was struggling against the vampire who was holding her, trying to squirm off his grip. She smacked him in the face and when he instinctively flinched away from her, she drove a stake through his heart.

"Run Willow!" Buffy's voice rang in the corridor.

Willow didn't waste time in arguing. She turned around and scurried towards the library.

Thorwald glared at one of the vampires that was standing next to him. "Go get that girl!"

The young vampire nodded enthusiastically and then ran after the fleeing girl. When his master called after him, reminding him not to kill his prey, he didn't show in any way that he'd heard it. If he was anything like the one who had killed Xander, Willow was in trouble. A hungry young vampire didn't really pay attention to anything except but the scent of a living being.

I saw that he was gaining on Willow. Oz fought against the three vampires that held him on the ground, screaming her name, telling her to run faster. Feeling nauseous, I struggled against my captors, too. This wasn't the way this was supposed to go. No mortal was supposed to be hurt. Now it seemed that there was nothing anyone could do for Willow. She wouldn't reach the library in time.

Willow and the vampire disappeared around the corner. She was just a few feet ahead of him. There was a moment of complete silence and then we heard a shrill scream.

" _No_!" Oz howled like he was still in his lupine form. "Willow!"

There were no sounds coming from where she'd disappeared. Not even the sounds of the young vampire feeding on her. I was grateful for that. My eyes were brimming and I felt a tear falling down my cheek. Willow had been Xander's oldest friend and she'd saved my soul. I swore that if I got the chance, I'd kill the bastard who'd just slaughtered her.

Heavy footsteps approached us. Grinding my teeth together, I turned my gaze to meet the murdering bastard.

My eyes widened as I saw Xander usher Willow towards us. He was wearing his game face and he had blood on his chin. He ignored us, and shoved Willow on the floor in front of Thorwald.

The Scandinavian smiled at him. "Well done." He obviously thought he was one of his 'groupies'.

"Anything for you, my lord." Xander rasped. "I live to serve you."

My lover's words made me roll my eyes, because that was really laying it on too thick, but Thorwald seemed to buy the 'brainless fan' -routine. He patted Xander's shoulder and then motioned him to bring Willow with him as he headed towards the gym. The young man didn't even look at me when he grabbed his friend's arm and began to pull her after the Scandinavian. I was glad he could keep his head clear.

We were all guided to the gym and then the vampires began to prepare the room for the ritual. It seemed Thorwald had really thought of everything. His followers had three buckets of red paint and over half a dozen paintbrushes. It didn't take long for them to paint a huge triangle on the gym floor.

My friends and I were pushed to stand next to the symbol. The Scandinavian was smiling at his childer. "Well done. You have served me faithfully and now you shall be rewarded." He waved his hand and one of his 'bodyguards' handed him a bag.

The old vampire pulled the cup out of the bag and put it to the floor, on top of the red paint. He walked to the center of the triangle and reached under his coat.

I squinted my eyes as I saw the object he was holding. The Tear of Odin. It was blood red and I could almost feel the evil emanating from it. Thorwald laid it down and then moved away from it. "Bring me the sacrifice!"

"Excuse me, my lord. Which one?"

The young vampire cringed as his sire glowered at him and then pointed at Buffy. "That one. The Slayer."

"Right away, my lord." The youngster hurried towards Buffy. Everyone's eyes were focused on him.

It was a perfect moment for a certain young vampire who had a soul to make his move. There was a blur of motion, and then a scream cut the silence. I craned my neck to see Xander drive a stake through another vampire who collapsed to make a big pile of dust right next to the one my lover had killed a second ago. Willow was already hurrying towards the bag that one of the vampires had foolishly brought with him.

Soon bottles of holy water were flying across the floor, landing all over the vampires. Most of them squirmed on the floor in agony. Most of those who didn't get hit by anything lethal turned around and ran away. So much for loyalty towards Thorwald.

Xander's face was back to normal when he appeared by my side, a knife in his hand. He cut the rope that bound my hands together. "Are you okay?"

I nodded at him. "Yeah. Good work."

We rushed to slay the few remaining vampires who tried to attack Giles, who was still bound. As soon as the Watcher was free, we turned to Oz, just in time to see Willow cut his bonds. The two of them kissed briefly and then moved to stand back to back as the most desperate followers of Thorwald tried to make a last attempt to kill them.

They never had a chance. Soon the gym was almost free of vampires. The last of the young ones who had attacked us wailed, as she turned into dust. Her voice died, but another scream cut the air. I turned around to see the Scandinavian grab Buffy.

He smiled at us. "One move, and the Slayer dies."

"Kill him!" Buffy panted. "Don't let him make the sacrifice."

"Shut up." Thorwald slapped her and then grabbed her by the arm. He dragged her to the drawing on the floor and bent down to pick up something. A small knife. Then he shoved her toward the Tear.

I moved closer to them, noticing that the others did the same. He squinted his eyes and kicked the tear closer to the cup. Obviously he wasn't going to risk letting Buffy go so he could perform the ritual properly. The crystal hit the bowl, making a small sound. I hoped it would crash into a million pieces, but of course the Tear was far stronger than that.

Thorwald moved his captive to stand above the cup and then he raised the knife.

Buffy muffled a scream when the small blade cut her arm. A trickle of blood ran down, straight into the cup as the knife fell on the floor. The Scandinavian grabbed the Tear with his free hand and dropped it inside the cup. Then he yelled something in a language I didn't recognize.

"You're too late, Slayer! Now I'll rule all the creatures of darkness!"

"The hell you will," Buffy spat. She twisted around, trying to see if there was anything she could use as a weapon. Thorwald just laughed at her, keeping his eyes on the Tear.

Seeing that the Scandinavian wasn't paying attention to her, Buffy tore her arm from Thorwald's grip. "The party's over." She kicked the vampire, who was trying to catch her again. He landed on the floor a few feet from Oz, and the wolfboy raised the stake he'd been holding. Thorwald tried to fend off the blow, but he didn't have a chance. He cried out when that sharp piece of wood hit his chest and then collapsed on the floor, leaving just a pile of dust behind.

For a fraction of a second I thought we were safe. We'd managed to get rid of all the bad guys and we were all alive. What more could we have done?

Well, we could have stopped Thorwald about a minute before we had. There was a loud noise, like a thunderbolt, and the light seemed to dim. Something was definitely happening. Then the cup seemed to melt, the slimy substance it had become oozing off the Tear. The crystal was glowing with a sick red light and there was the feeling of doom in the air.

"We have to destroy the Tear or everything will go straight to hell!" I waved my hand to get everyone's attention. "It's time to test that theory about love!"

The ceremony had almost been completed and now we couldn't back off.

Buffy fell on the floor, the loss of blood obviously making her dizzy. Willow and Oz hurried to the place Thorwald had been standing in the beginning of the ritual, holding onto each other. When they reached the point, a bright light flashed from them to the Tear. Thank god, it was over!

I rejoiced too soon. The angry red turned to pink, but then the Tear glowed red again. Nothing else happened.

"We need to do more!" Giles' voice rang in the gym. "'A love in the light, a love in the darkness, a love to save the world.' It was a three-way prophecy."

Xander grabbed my hand. "They're the love in light, they have to be. I don't think Willow even has a dark side and Oz isn't actually all that bad. We live in eternal darkness. Do you think..."

Of course. "I love you. Let's do it."

We rushed to the other point of the triangle. The others stared at the two of us, but I didn't care. I felt Xander's hands around me and held him tight. Somehow it felt appropriate to kiss him. Nothing big, just a soft, gentle touch of my lips on his. A strange tingling went through my body and then another bright light hit the Tear.

But it still wasn't enough.

Buffy was crawling towards the third point, shouting from the top of her lungs, "I'm the Slayer and I give my whole life to the battle against the darkness! I do it for the world! I've even _died_ to save everything from evil! That has to count for something."

A faint tendril of light flashed from her towards the center of the triangle, but it wasn't strong enough to reach it. She groaned and fell back on the floor. "No!"

The walls were shaking and a foul stench was starting to fill the room. It was the smell of death and decay. I'd been a while since I was last so afraid, so certain that there was no way out. If Buffy's dedication to save the world wasn't enough to fulfill the prophesies, nothing would. All other conditions were met. Thorwald had managed to soak the Tear in the blood of the innocent one, so baring a miracle, we were all doomed.

The tingling feeling ended and the beams of light that had connected Oz and Willow and Xander and me to the Tear disappeared.

I laid my head on Xander's shoulder. "It's over. God, I don't want to lose you!"

"I love you, Angel."

"Xander..." I wasn't even ashamed of the tears that ran down my cheeks, soaking his shirt. "I've never loved anyone like I love you."

We held onto each other, waiting for everything to end. I was terrified of what would happen when it was all over. I didn't want to live in a world where demons ran free and ruled, but I didn't want to go to hell either. I wanted to continue being with Xander. Our time together had been far too short. I'd longed for a person I could love forever, and now that I'd finally found him, I was losing him _and_ my life. I'd always known that life wasn't fair, but this was too much.

I swayed a little. Xander's hand rubbed my back and then rose to my face to wipe off the tears from my cheek. Feeling his hand tremble, I looked into his eyes to see the fear there and I realized that I wasn't the only one who was scared. I swallowed hard and forced a small smile to my lips. He answered it a bit shakily.

If this was indeed the end, we'd face it together.

The floor was cracking up and it was hard to remain standing. Wooden boards were flying all around us, small pieces of the ceiling falling down. I sighed, realizing that it was highly unlikely any of us would survive to see the reign of the demons. If Sunnydale High continued shaking, we'd all be buried in the debris as the building collapsed. Even Xander and I wouldn't survive it. If we didn't die from a flying board, the sunlight would finish us when the rescuers came to search the ruins.

Hearing a scream, I turned to see what was happening. "Oh, my god!"

A chasm had opened right next to where Buffy was lying and some invisible force was pulling her into it. She tried to claw at the wooden floor, but couldn't hold on to anything. Her struggling just seemed to make things worse.

All the dark forces that resided on the Hellmouth were drawn to the Slayer, recognizing her as a threat that had to be dispelled before the demons could truly run free in the world.

The place where Thorwald had died began to glow. He had turned into dust, but now the outlines of his body were visible again. He was coming back and he wasn't alone. All the other vampires we'd slain were obviously following their master, tiny sparks of red light appearing all around us. That made me cold all over. What if the Tear could bring back _all_ the demons that had ever walked the earth? The thought of the Master returning, to be ruled by an idiot like Thorwald, was about the worst I'd ever had.

Maybe it really was best to die there, before hell came to earth.

Buffy twisted around, trying to grasp something that could keep her from falling into that abyss. Her feet were already dangling over the edge and soon just the weight of her body would make her disappear into the void.

"No!"

I'd never heard such a sound come from the mild mannered Watcher. Giles ran to help his Slayer, obviously not caring that he would be drawn into the emptiness too. I guess it made sense; he had spent his whole life preparing himself to help, guide and protect the Slayer, and he wasn't going to let her die right in front of his eyes without at least trying to save her.

"Giles, don't!" Buffy yelled, her voice hoarse. "Save yourself."

He didn't even slow down. He dodged a sharp piece of wood that almost impaled him and then dove to grasp Buffy's hand the moment she was pulled over the edge.

Oz and Willow jerked as the white beam of light connected them to the Tear again. Then I shook as the tingling feeling returned. This time it was a thousand times more intense than it had been earlier. Another beam of light hit the crystal.

Everything was quiet for a moment and then a third light shone in the room, going from Giles and Buffy's joined hands straight to the Tear of Odin. The faint outlines of the Scandinavian disappeared with an anguished wail that seemed to carry all the disappointment in the world.

The flash of light was so bright I thought I'd go blind. I screamed, feeling the violent storm rage all over me. All over us. I couldn't see it, but somehow I could feel the Tear exploding, the shards of it burning in the air before they could hit us. The prophesies had been right. It had been one of the most powerful crystals in the world, and the forces that were now freed were unimaginable. For a fraction of a second I knew everything and when the knowledge disappeared, I screamed again with the feeling of loss.

The silence was deafening. I opened my eyes to see that the gym was back the way it had been when we'd got there. There was no trace of the red paint anywhere, and we were all lying on the floor, huddled against each other.

Oz and Willow were holding each other, mumbling endearments between kisses. That seemed to be an excellent idea, and I pulled Xander's head closer to mine, touching his lips with mine. He kissed me back and locked his hands together behind my neck.

"We're alive!" my lover exclaimed, and then shook with laughter as he realized that his words weren't exactly true. "Or actually we're not. But we're still here!"

His words made me laugh, too. Oh, god! We were definitely still on earth, and I'd have _years_ , maybe even centuries to spend with Xander. I kissed him again, shaking with joy. He was shaking too, but it didn't matter. Everything was all right now.

Xander looked me straight in the eyes, smiling. "I told you I could pass as one of Thorwald's fan club."

"You were wonderful!" I covered his lips with mine, muffling any other smug comments.

When I realized that if I didn't stop kissing him immediately, we wouldn't be able to get up for at least an hour, I climbed to my feet and then helped him up. "We'll continue this as soon as we get home."

He smiled at me and then we turned to see how our friends were doing.

Oz and his witch were still glued to each other. Buffy and Giles were sitting on the floor, still holding hands. I stepped closer to them, and they looked up at me, smiling. When I reached out my hand, Buffy grabbed it and when she was up, she helped Giles to his feet.

The Watcher sighed. "Thank god, it's over."

"How did we win?" Xander sounded totally baffled. "I thought we didn't have enough love."

"I didn't. We did." Buffy smiled at her Watcher. "That's it, isn't it? The Watcher and the Slayer both dedicate their lives to save the world from darkness and it's done for love."

The flicker of doubt passed over Giles' face so quickly I was half certain that I'd imagined it. "Yes. Alone we are incomplete. If we work together, no forces of darkness can hold against us."

"I couldn't have said it better myself!"

Buffy's words made us all smile. She chuckled with the rest of us for a moment, but then she sobered up. "Angel? What about you two?"

"Love in the darkness." Seeing Xander's smile, I added, "Or in relative darkness, anyway."

She cocked her head. "You really love each other."

It wasn't a question, but I answered it anyway. "Yes. There's no doubt about it." Seeing Xander's questioning look I added, "Like the prophecy said, _love_ in the darkness. Not 'caring', or 'desire'. Love."

He looked a little flustered, but then he just patted my shoulder. "You're such a romantic, Angel."

"You bet I am."

Giles cleared out his throat. "I think we should get out of here, before anyone comes to investigate. I don't know if the earthquake was felt outside the school, but it's better to be safe than sorry."

"Sure." Buffy looked at Oz and Willow, who had finally gotten up from the floor. "How about if we all go home, and then meet at the library tomorrow evening. I'm too exhausted to talk about this thing tonight."

That was a very good idea. We needed to talk about everything that had happened, but it was best to have some time to collect our thoughts. Not to mention some privacy with my lover. My love.

Oz untangled his right hand from Willow's, and held it out. Xander looked at the offered hand and then shook it. The wolfboy smiled a little. "This can't wait until tomorrow. Thank you. For saving her." He hugged Willow with his left arm. She snuggled against his side and nodded at Xander.

"You don't have to thank me, man. She's the best friend I've ever had." Xander let go of Oz's hand and ruffled Willow's hair. She squealed. "Take good care of her."

Oz blushed a little. "I will."

One last look around the gym, and then we walked out of there. None of us wanted to stay there a minute longer. Giles glanced at the library as we passed it, but then he shook his head. Apparently even he was sick of the school.

The Watcher cleared his throat, as we were at the front door. "Do you want company?" His question was clearly aimed at Buffy. Oz and Willow were so deep in their own little world, they didn't even hear his words.

"Yeah. You can walk me home." Buffy glanced at me. "But I need to talk to Angel first. Would you mind waiting for me outside?"

"Not at all."

The others left us standing in the hallway. Xander looked at me when he stepped outside and I saw him smile a little. I was glad he didn't have a problem with what was going on. The last thing I needed that night was a jealous boyfriend. Trust was a good sign of a healthy relationship.

Relationship. Damn, I wondered if I'd stop gloating at that word after a few decades. Probably not.

"What are you smiling at?"

Buffy's words startled me so I blurted out, "Xander. I can't believe we're finally together." Realizing what I had just said, I touched her shoulder. "I didn't say that to hurt you."

"I know you didn't. That's just what I wanted to talk with you about." She was quiet for a moment. "I really meant what I said to you yesterday. I'm happy for you. I'm happy you have someone to love, someone who will live a lot longer than a Slayer."

"Buffy..."

She shook her head, smiling. " _I_ didn't say that to hurt _you_ , Angel. I just stated a fact. It's good to know that whatever happens to me, you don't have to be alone."

"Thank you. It means a lot to me to hear you say that."

"Angel..." Buffy shook her head again. "You and Xander. Well, stranger things have happened."

We stared at each other and stared to chuckle. She had a wistful look in her eyes, but I was glad there was no trace of that emptiness in her gaze anymore. I didn't say anything, but I wished she could find someone, too. She deserved some happiness.

Buffy nodded at Xander, who was standing by the stairs, and walked to Giles. He waved at us before they started towards his Slayer's home. We watched the two of them disappear behind the trees.

Xander sighed. "What did she say?"

"She wished us luck." I smiled at his startled look. "I think that thing with the Tear assured all our friends that we're not just fooling around."

"Good. I really don't want to see her suffer because of this."

He looked like he had something more to say, but I let him think it over in peace. I had all the time in the world.

Xander touched the railing and stared at the distance, obviously taking a little stroll down memory lane. "This is the place I first saw Buffy. She was so mysterious that I kind of... followed her around for a couple of hours. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have heard of vampires or the Slayer or anything. I was just thinking about that day, and you know what? I don't regret it at all."

"Wouldn't you rather live a normal life?"

"Define normal." He smiled a little. "No. Burying my head in the sand wouldn't change the fact that vampires really do exist. You and I may be special, but there are a lot of soulless monsters out there lurking in the shadows. This way I can do something about it."

"Do you regret becoming a vampire?"

"Do you?"

That was about the hardest question he could ask. Nevermind the fact that I'd brought it up in the first place. When I'd been given the chance to become a vampire, I had taken it without hesitation. The only thing I had thought of had been the chance to live forever. What a fool I'd been. I regretted all those years I'd been one of those soulless monsters Xander had talked about, but now I had the chance to make amends for that, and even had a chance for real happiness. "Yes and no."

"Same here. I'd like to be able to walk in the sun, but if I was still mortal, I don't think we'd be together."

"Maybe not. Or maybe I would have gathered my courage and swept you off your feet some moonlit night."

Xander smiled an impish little smile. "Swept me off my feet? You really are a romantic."

I pulled him into an embrace and then swirled him around. I was feeling a bit giddy now that we weren't in danger anymore. " _Very_ romantic. We'll spend the rest of our existence cuddling, walking in the cemetery hand in hand, and every time there's a full moon, we'll go to the lake to watch Oz howl at the moon."

"Angel!" he squealed, trying to act offended. "We'll have to work on your sense of humor."

"Whatever you want." I kissed him. "We'll have all the time in the world to do that."

"Sounds good."

"Now what? Do you want to stand here and think about the past, or do you want to go home? I seem to remember something you promised to do to me."

Xander grinned, taking my hand. "Yeah. Let's go home."


	2. Lab Rat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please notice the shit in POV. This part is Xander point of view.

I knew from experience, that the stone wall was uncomfortably cold at this time of night. Still, I didn't have any problem leaning against it. Well, since it was made of stone, it wasn't exactly comfortable, but that was it.

Funny, my body could still feel cold, but my mind didn't register it. Or maybe it did, but dismissed the cold as insignificant if I didn't concentrate on feeling it. I wasn't sure which it was, and since Angel wasn't with me, I couldn't ask him. Making a mental note to myself to get back to it when I was with him, I turned to watch the house across the street.

There was nothing different about this house. It was just like all the other little houses on that street. Well, except for the fact that there weren't any gnomes or pink flamingoes in the garden. Just straight rows of red tulips.

All the windows were closed. That wasn't surprising, considering the fact that it was the coldest May anyone in Sunnydale could remember, but I knew that the weather had nothing to do with it. No, the windows in that small, but oddly intimidating house I'd once called home were always closed. My mom hated fresh air. She always used to say that civilized people didn't breathe air that was full of pollution and bacteria. No, they had air conditioners.

God, I hated those machines. Well, at least now I didn't have to worry about the air I breathe anymore. Actually, I didn't have to breathe at all. Except when I spoke. A person --or a vampire-- can't form words without air.

Didn't have a clue how that worked, so I I'd have to ask Angel that, too.

It was the first time for almost two months that I was completely alone. The first time since I'd lost my life, to be exact. I'd been feeling a bit restless for a few days, and then I just informed everyone that I wouldn't be available for a couple of hours.

Now that I had the solitude I'd craved, I wasn't all that sure what to do with it. Even though I knew that Angel wouldn't be at home, I didn't want to stay there. The whole point of this short 'vacation' was to get away from everything familiar, and so I left the big house a few hours after sunset.

I didn't go to see Giles and the others either. No way! I could handle being with Angel 24 hours a day, but I was _not_ going near the nosy Watcher. After all, he was the main reason for my sudden need for some privacy.

The thought of his questions made me feel hemmed in --claustrophobic even under the open sky.

After we got rid of a megalomaniac old vampire, Thorwald, who had wanted to rule the world with a powerful crystal called 'the Tear of Odin', we finally had some peace and quiet. I guess we'd all been in a daze about all that had happened.

You know, me turning into a vampire, getting together with Angel, saving the world... Little things like that.

I didn't really care about anything else but being with Angel, though. That's how things go when you start a relationship with someone. At least that's what Willow told me. I bet she and Oz spent those peaceful days the same way as we did; in bed.

Too bad Giles didn't have anyone to relax with, too. Three days after the world had almost gone to hell, he called me and asked me to come to the school. Apparently, it was time to continue with my education. And of course he wanted to start studying me.

At first, I was really enthusiastic about discovering what it meant to be a vampire. We still didn't know why I had my soul, and since that was a mystery, there was the small chance that I might lose it. That was easily corrected though. Willow performed a little ceremony that was supposed to anchor my soul to me for all eternity. Even though I hadn't been all that worried about it, it was a relief to have that extra assurance.

I wish I'd known that the whole business of being naked in the ceremony was a joke, though. But that's bygones now. Oz almost died out of laughter, Buff made some really un-ladylike comments, and Will blushed and then apologized. I survived --figuratively speaking-- and now I can be sure I won't turn into a lunatic killer. One thing less to worry about.

Then there was the matter of my new vampiric strength. It wasn't all that easy to get used to the fact that I could lift over two hundred pounds with one hand without even tiring. I needed some help learning to control my actions. Considering the fact that Angel was even farther from being a mortal than I, the only person who could help was Giles. He'd spent so much time sparring with Buffy that he knew all about strength.

I agreed to be trained by him. After all, I didn't want to actually hurt anyone. It's amazing how _fragile_ most of the people I know seem now.

Unfortunately, the G-man wanted to be more than my personal trainer. Okay, in a way I can understand that. He's a Watcher. That means he has to be nosy about all things vampiric. I just wish he'd also live up to being a Brit. You know, tact and stuff.

For some strange reason Giles wanted to record absolutely _everything_ that had happened to me after I'd died. We went through my transformation, with more detail this time. Now that I didn't have to hide my feelings towards Angel, I could tell the Watcher more about that night when I'd literally dumped the mortal coil.

After repeating the whole story about five or six times, I got a bit annoyed about the whole thing. I shouldn't have. When I complained about it, Giles changed technique and started to ask about things that had happened in the days after I'd been transformed.

It wasn't all that easy to answer him and keep my privacy at the same time. I could handle being an example of a vampire with a soul for all the generations of Watchers yet to come, but I definitely didn't want to be remembered as 'the gay vampire with a soul'. Yeah. Try as I might, there was no way to avoid the issue when we talked about my first week of vampiric existence.

I could see it now. Yep. I'd look into Giles' eyes and say, 'I was confused, and scared, and wanted nothing more than to screw Angel through the nearest mattress. More tea?' Somehow I didn't think he really wanted to hear that kind of information.

Giles didn't linger on that topic for long, since he was determined to unravel _all_ the mysteries of being a vampire. He poked and prodded. Asked questions and made notes.

And drove me crazy.

I was tired of the whole thing. Even the things that _really_ intrigued me, like finding out whether it was possibly to chew gum while wearing my game face, or not, didn't make me curious enough to find out more about my abilities. Not after hours and hours of questioning.

For the first time in my life, I was grateful for finals. Studying was a good excuse to avoid Giles' endless questions. Unfortunately though, I still had to suffer his presence. After all, he was my tutor.

Don't get me wrong. I like him very much. He's treated me better than my own parents ever did. I just can't stand spending all my time under his scrutiny.

Only Will and Oz enjoyed the Prom this year. Well, at least until Mr. Cheong, our philosophy teacher, started to rant and rave while waving a chainsaw.

I was still preoccupied with being recently deceased, and after only about half an hour of suffering in a tux, I went back home to Angel and missed all the running and screaming. Buffy didn't seem to be interested in dances anymore, and she spent the evening patrolling with Giles. At least I could have some peace and quiet while those two did whatever Slayers and Watchers did together in gloomy cemeteries.

From what I heard, my witchy and wolfy friends took care of the situation perfectly. After all, Mr. Cheong is just your ordinary psycho, not a slimy demon or anything. You got rid of the likes of him by hitting him on the head and calling the cops. No slaying.

So finals came and went, but I was still stuck with the extremely nosy Watcher.

When I realized that one more question would make me snap, I told everyone I wanted a day off.

It had been great to be able to sleep late, and then just be for a few hours. Even though I hadn't said anything to Angel about wanting to be alone, he'd left the house right after sunset, so I could have all the privacy I needed. I felt grateful for that. I really did need some time to myself.

But after a few hours, I felt like I was suffocating inside, however stupid that sounded. Since I had nothing better to do, I went for a long walk.

Funny I should find myself in my old neighborhood.

I stood there, watching the house I'd once called home, trying to feel something. There was nothing. Not even resentment. I'd spent enough time wanting to get the hell outta there. Now that I lived with Angel, I didn't need to think about all the crap in my past. This was kinda like a farewell to that life.

No more pain and humiliation, the latter being absolutely the worst of those two. I'd never have to listen to those two act snobbish while sober, and then argue for hours when they were drunk again. Some parents they were.

One more look at the house --and the stupid garden-- and I turned around and walked away without even a backward glance.

For a small town, Sunnydale is a surprisingly big place. I sauntered aimlessly through the empty streets, my hands deep in my pockets. There weren't any other vampires around. Maybe it was because of the cold weather. That's life at the Hellmouth. Not just fire and brimstone. More like hell freezing over, I'd say.

Actually, come to think of it, there had been surprisingly few vampires around after the whole mess with Thorwald. I guess they learned a lesson there.

I wasn't going anywhere particular, just wandering around, lost in thought. That's why I almost jumped out of my skin when I saw the mansion right behind the treetops. Freezing where I stood, I looked around, and then when I didn't see or hear anyone, I slumped to the ground near the gravel road.

The mansion. God! I hadn't even been near the damn place after Angel had returned from... Well, after he'd returned. Damn it. The two times before that visit I'd been scared almost to death. First trying to be the cavalry armed with just a really heavy rock, and then armed to teeth with stakes and crossbows and such, when we went to look for Buffy. It had been hell, Oz and me following Giles who should have still been in the hospital. He'd been so frantic, desperate to find Buffy. We'd all been scared of what we might find there.

The fact that there was no one there hadn't made us feel any better.

Of course there was that creepy statue of Acatulpa or whatever the demon's name had been. An old sword, too. Giles had taken the sword with him, and said something about the Council taking care of the demon. I hadn't really wanted to know more about it, so I didn't ask.

Actually, Oz and I hadn't said anything while we were inside the big creepy house. I remembered the whole visit, though. The smell of decay, the broken tiles. And the sound of Giles crying.

It's the only time I've seen him cry. He never broke down even at Miss Calendar's funeral. Finding that small scrap of cloth from Buffy's shirt near the garden wall, had sent him down to his knees, and he had wept like a hurt child.

I felt like crap, remembering all those stupid things I'd said to him in the library. In a way, I guess I grew up that night.

Then again, maybe not.

I stared at the gloomy silhouette of the mansion, lost in thought. Then I shrugged, leaving the past behind, where it belonged. Deciding it was time to go, I got up and walked away. There was no reason for me to torture myself by remaining in a place where we'd all suffered so damn much. It was better to keep focus on the present. In the life I had with Angel in our little house.

It always made me smile. The Vampires of Suburbia.

But for some strange reason, I didn't head towards home. Instead, I strolled past the cemetery where Angel and I had spent those long and uncomfortable hours weeks earlier, and then headed for the Bronze. Some of my friends were going inside, but I wasn't in the mood for socializing. I'd been to the Bronze a couple of times since dying. The first time had been a disaster. The loud music, and the scent of warm, living beings all around me, had almost caused me to panic. Good thing Angel had been with me then.

Okay, so me being alone wasn't the only reason I didn't go inside tonight. There were people I hadn't talked to in ages --Cordy came to mind-- and I really didn't want to spend my night off explaining why I was never around anymore.

Waving at one of the guys who had noticed me, I sneaked into the shadows and headed for the alley. Seemed to be a night for reminiscing, so I thought I should visit the place where it all started. Well, ended.

It was as if I had memorized the way to that dead end. Literally a dead end, at least to me. There. That was the spot where I'd thrown away my life insurance, and rushed to meet the vampires unarmed. My god! Weapons made too much noise? No wonder I got myself killed with that kind of reasoning.

Even with the broken street lamp, I could easily see where I was going. A vampire's night vision was even better than a cat's. Or so Giles told me. Can't say anything about that, because I've never been a cat.

Then I was there, and all the jokes disappeared from my head. There were still some pieces of wood lying on the ground. It looked like the remains of the damn box I'd stumbled into. One board resembled a stake, and I wondered if Angel had used that to kill the guy who'd sucked life out me. I didn't really know. I'd been too busy dying to notice it at the time.

I looked down, getting the wiggins from just the thought of the cold ground. It had been like freezing water, pulling me down into the depths. Funny, after feeling the vamp's fangs bite into my throat, there had been no pain. Just a feeling of loss.

Losing friends, losing all the opportunities that came with life and being young enough to expect at least fifty more years of it. And of course there was the thought of never seeing Angel again. Being Buff's little helper, I kinda expected to go to the Place Upstairs, and it wasn't probable my vampiric friend would ever get there.

It made me wonder what would happen after I got dusted. Would I find myself in that place Angel sometimes has nightmares about? And if I did, would he be there with me? Some hell, me and my lover together forever.

Well, religion never was one of my stronger points. I'd see it when it happened.

Could have happened that night. I could have... No, I did. I died in that alley. There had been that moment when I'd still felt my heart beating, slower than ever, the sound almost too loud in my ears and I'd known that this was it. Say bye bye to life, Xander. And I had. With Angel's face buried to my neck, I took my last breath and died. But I was still here. And you know what? My death was somehow better than my life had ever been.

Grinning at that completely tasteless and morbid joke, I kicked the small pieces of wood. I didn't feel all that bad anymore.

Actually I felt great. It was like I'd had a chance to finally put things in perspective. Funny, how talking with Giles hadn't given me this kinda peaceful feeling. Probably because I was so damn annoyed with him all the time.

I guess I could have gone to Willow and talked it over. She was still my best friend, after all. I could always tell her all my problems. Well, the key word being _could_. There were things I never wanted to tell anyone. But she had her own worries, her own life.

Besides, I didn't really feel like talking. Not yet, anyway. It was just good to know I'd have someone to talk to when I felt like it.

I'd have her. And I'd have Angel.

The alley seemed darker than a moment ago. Maybe because I suddenly realized that I missed Angel's company. Missed him terribly. Thinking about the life I'd had made me want a hug. A good, hard hug from Angel. That was it. No more thinking. The stroll down the memory lane had been rather illuminating, but I preferred strolling home.

Turning back towards the way I'd came, I shoved my hands in my pockets and started walking again. This time I didn't saunter around aimlessly, I was hurrying home, to my life --death, existence, whatever.

I'd almost reached the end of the so called 'ambush district', when I smelled something familiar. After trying to listen for the sounds of a human heartbeat, I smiled. The lack of such sound combined with the scent of leather and that particular aftershave told me that I wouldn't have to walk all the way home to get that hug.

A familiar form was crouched next to a cluster of dumpsters. I approached him quietly, wondering what on earth was Angel doing in the alley. Then I heard several weird heartbeats coming from his direction. Nope, not human. Something smaller. Sniffing the air again, I blinked a few times as I realized they were rats. I was definitely smelling rats here. And cheese.

"What are you doing?" I whispered as silently as I could, so the tiny rodents wouldn't panic.

Angel turned to look at me, his hands still breaking a big chunk of cheese into smaller bits. "Feeding Miss Rat and her babies." There was laughter in his voice.

"Okay." Wondering if I'd once again missed something, I nodded. After all, I'd seen stranger things happen. Actually, a vampire feeding a bunch of scrawny rats is probably one of the sanest things happening around here.

I watched him drop tiny morsels of cheese to the rats, grinning a little at the funny way those creatures jumped at the food. Thinking about starving rats shouldn't have been funny, but somehow I didn't think those rodents were all that close to starvation. And they were really cute.

Apparently not only hungry vampires hunted in the back alleys of Sunnydale.

When Angel was finished, he stood up. "Do you still want to be alone, or can we go home now?" There was a slight note of apprehension in his voice.

"Nah. Let's go home." I brushed a crumb off his sleeve, trying to mask the caress. "Being alone isn't all that nice after all." It wasn't. Well... Being in the middle of a crowd wasn't all that great either. Everything, of course, depended on the company one had.

His gaze met mine, and then Angel stepped closer to me, his shoulder touching mine. "Yeah, I know."

He sounded happy for some reason. I guess it was because neither of us had to be alone anymore. You might think it was something we both brooded about all the time, but actually it's not. No more brooding.

I threw a grin at him, and then started towards home. He didn't say anything. Just followed me. Soon we were walking side by side through the eerily silent streets of Sunnydale.

Sure, it was nighttime. But night was usually the busiest time here. Demons, vampires, even one or two drug dealers were always running around. The last were the most disgusting of all the monsters that preyed during the night.

There were none of them out now. Not even young lovers walking hand in hand, enjoying the peaceful spring night. Well, except us, of course. And we weren't exactly walking hand in hand.

That was easily remedied, though. I didn't say a word when I reached out, only smiled a little as I felt Angel's strong hand grab mine. God it felt good walking there with my... Um...

I stumbled a little when about a dozen different words raced through my mind all at once. That kinda heavy thinking was definitely not good for any kind of a creature.

So I can be sarcastic even with myself. Swell.

"You okay?" Angel's hand tightened its grip on mine.

I nodded absentmindedly. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just thinking."

Instead of a laughing remark, he just nodded and we continued walking. I was still a bit stunned every time he _didn't_ laugh at me. I'd gotten used to being the funny guy, and the fact that there was someone who didn't find it necessary to ridicule me all the time was a bit unsettling. But then again, Angel was my... I mean, he loved me.

Darkness was a good thing. I doubted even a vampire's vision could have read my expression, and I was glad of it. I couldn't help frowning as I kept wondering why on earth it was so difficult for me to use a word to describe Angel.

Here we were, walking towards our home, two guys --vampires-- in love with each other, and I wasn't even sure I should call him a lover. I mean, he could see it as an insult. As if I thought only about the sex-part.

I didn't.

Lover. Love? _Mate_? According to those Harlequin romances --which I only read because Willow said I'd find good tips in them, and didn't really like all _that_ much no matter what she says-- I should probably have called him the other half of me. I wasn't all that sure I could say that out loud without laughing... But I needed a word for us. For him and me.

The only thing I knew was that I would never, ever call him sire.

He'd probably have a coronary --or the vampiric equivalent of it-- if I did.

I stopped when we reached a streetlamp, looking into Angel's eyes. There were two ways I could handle my little problem. I'd either think about it until my head hurt even more than it already did, or I'd ask him. Somehow I had realized that the latter was the best way to handle things. At least with my... whatever he'd like to be.

He seemed worried as he looked at me.

"Angel?" I wasn't really sure what to say. How did one ask another guy something like that, anyway? Sure, we lived together and slept together and all, but to really talk about it... At least I wasn't babbling uncontrollably. Then again, maybe that way it would be easier. Just open my mouth and let the words stumble out.

The dark eyes bore into mine. A soft smile appeared on his lips, and then he pulled me into a hug. "It's okay, Xander. Just say it. Can't be all that bad."

Somehow it was easier to ask when he was just holding me, not looking at me. "What are we?"

There was a moment of silence, and then Angel whispered, "Vampires."

"What?" I squirmed away from his embrace, getting a bit annoyed as I saw him smirking. "Very funny. Ha ha." God, he could be such a jerk sometimes!

"I thought so." He sounded amused. There was a questioning look on his face, though. "What do you mean?"

Sighing exasperatedly I waved my hand between us. "This. Us. Are we like boyfriends or what? Lovers? A couple? What?"

Angel's eyes darkened. "Damn. Xander, I'm sorry I didn't take you seriously." He looked stricken.

"No sweat. You're not the first one. It's not a big deal."

That obviously didn't make him feel any better. Quite the opposite, actually. Now there was genuine sadness in his eyes. "It _is_ a big deal. You shouldn't have to take that crap from your boyfriend." He leaned closer to me and kissed my cheek. Then he brushed his lips against mine. "And your lover."

"The other half of me?" Oh, god! Did I really say that out loud? Corny much?

There was another kiss, even though it was a little trembly as Angel shook with laughter. Somehow it felt like he was laughing with me and not at me. "Only you would say that, Alexander!"

I felt tightness at my throat, just like I did every time he said my name like that. "It's okay, I know you love me anyway." The first time I ever said it that way.

"Yep. I do." Another kiss. "I really do."

Good. After all, that's all that mattered. I hugged him tight, and then giggled --in a very manly way-- as I thought about the most appropriate word I could use. "Then you won't mind if I call us deathmates?" Because soullessmates sounded kind of creepy even as a joke.

Angel had just drawn a deep breath, probably meaning to say something sweet, and started to cough at my words. He threw a dark look at me, his gaze telling me that I was in trouble. But in the kind of trouble I'd love. Yay me!

One more kiss under the streetlamp, and then we hurried home.

* * *

I definitely spent more time in the shower the next evening than it was absolutely necessary. Actually, I didn't even need a shower, not really, but standing in that tiled shower stall, letting warm water pound all over my body, was a good excuse not to leave the house.

The former night had been so damn peaceful, and the early morning full of fun and tenderness, I hated the mere idea of facing Giles and his stupid questions again.

It wasn't the first time I seriously thought of ending our little discussions. Finals were over, and I didn't need a tutor anymore. I could just tell him to shove his questions. But I knew I wouldn't, no matter how annoying he got. One of those responsibility -things again. My ramblings could help us and the future generation Slayers fight the vampires who were soulless. So I'd go and babble about things. Didn't mean I liked it, though.

Sighing, I turned off the water and then dried myself, feeling more miserable every second. The fact that Angel had made breakfast made me feel a little better, and I even managed a smile when we sat by the kitchen table, sipping warm blood.

I brushed my teeth, once again lingering near the sink for a very long time. Not just so that I wouldn't have blood-breath, I'll admit at least to myself I was stalling.

A kiss from Angel, and then I was on my way to school.

That was definitely one of the downsides of our arrangement. I mean, I was the only one of our class --not counting Buffster-- who still went to school every darn day. Or night, actually. Death was so unfair!

The front door to Sunnydale High squeaked as I pulled it open. I used that nerve wreaking sound to explain the shivers that ran down my spine. Hey! I was a vampire, a real creature of the night -kinda guy. I was _not_ afraid of a British librarian!

Muttering to myself, I walked straight to the library, not stopping before the door slammed shut behind me.

"Hi, Giles." I strolled towards the table he was leaning against. There was no one else there, but I could smell the herbal thing Willow washed her hair with in the air, and... Yes, that was definitely Buffy's deodorant. I bet the girls had whined until they got a night off, and were now having fun at Bronze. Great! They got to have fun while I had to suffer here with Giles.

He looked like he was really enthusiastic about something. I had a bad feeling about it. As tiresome it was to repeat the same thing over and over again, new things could be even worse.

"Xander! Good, you're here!" Putting the book he'd been reading down, Giles motioned to the chair on the other side of the table.

I sat down. Once again I was reminded of all the years I'd spent at school, sitting on a hard plastic chair in a class, just _knowing_ the teacher was going to ask me a question I had no answer to. "Something new come up?" I tried to sound interested.

Picking up a pen, the Watcher opened a very familiar journal. "Remember that book, 'Drawing Power from Magical Objects'?"

Did I remember? Would have been hard not to. After all, that book was the only object in our house I truly hated. Not because of the rather disgusting rituals it told about, but because of the material it was made of. The pages were all sprinkled with holy water. It didn't exactly kill you to touch it, but it certainly hurt. I knew, I'd had a first hand experience with it. "Yeah. Why?"

"I need to ask you something about it. About that night we discovered the book."

Okay. "Sure. Ask away."

"You saw me take the book from the shelf." He waited for me to make an agreeing sound and then scribbled something on the book. "And you didn't get any warning about it being dangerous for vampires?"

I had an urge to make a comment about vampires usually being psychotic, not a psychic. Instead, I said, "Nope. I just saw an ordinary book, and reached to grab it. The moment I touched it, I realized there was something wrong." Too bad I didn't get a prickly feeling from the book. It would have saved me from all that pain.

Giles nodded, making another note. "So, how did it feel?"

How did it feel to burn my hand on that damn book? What the hell kind of a question was that? "What do you think? It _hurt_."

"Mm hmm."

That sound of his pen scratching the paper made me want to grab him by the neck and _shake_ him. For the next hour or so. 'How did it feel? What was it like?' How the hell was I supposed to tell him all that? They were just words. There was no way they could describe what it felt to be a vampire. It was so different from being a mortal, but all the differences were so small, almost insignificant, it was impossible for Giles to understand them.

Just like it had been hard for me to grasp all the nuances of a romantic relationship between two vampires, even though Angel was extremely patient when he explained all the customs to me. Enthusiastic, too, I might add.

"Can you compare it to anything?"

"No." It hadn't just burned my hand. It made my whole being burn. I'd never experienced such pain in my life. Or my death. That whole book had at some point been soaked in holy water, so it had recognized me as something... I guess the only word is unholy. Or something.

Giles finished a sentence, and then looked at me again. "All right. I'd like you to do something else next." He closed the book and got up.

I tensed. "If you're talking about handing me more holy stuff, you can just forget about it." His lab rat or not, I would definitely make a run for it if he wanted to do some experiments on pain. No way in hell I was gonna let myself be hurt for science!

"What?" Adjusting his glasses, Giles frowned. "Oh, no, it's nothing like that."

Following him to the counter, I kept my distance. So he didn't want me to do the 'look, that guy's steaming' -thing. That was good. Didn't really mean that whatever he wanted me to do would be all that better, though.

Giles pointed at something on the floor. "I'd like you to take that with you, and do some of your running exercises here in the library."

I crouched down to see what the thing was, and then groaned, "You gotta be kidding!"

Two hours later, I opened the front door of our house, feeling beat. Absolutely beat. My muscles were killing me, and every step I took made me want to groan. "Angel?" It was a whine, nothing more. I needed some pampering and if my deathmate was home, he'd get to give me a massage or something.

There was no answer, so I decided that he wasn't there. Damn.

I thought about a hot shower, but the physical owwies were outnumbered by the mental ones. I walked straight to the bedroom, pausing by the stereo to change the CD, and then collapsed on the bed with the remote control in my hand.

It was almost a pleasure to lie there, the stereo blaring so loud, I couldn't hear my own thoughts. God, I loved it, wallowing in self-pity, just me and country music.

Now if I'd just had a big chunk of chocolate to gobble up, everything would have been perfect. Of course I didn't eat chocolate anymore. So much for that thought.

When the music ended, the CD player making a small clicking sound, I felt like I needed a little more time to work on my depression, and went to change the disc. Soon the room was once again filled with sad, sad music about someone burning down someone's house, shooting his dog and stealing his bible.

The second CD was about halfway through, when I heard the front door open. Since I didn't hear a heartbeat, I knew it could be only one person.

When Angel stepped into the bedroom, I expected him to turn off the music and then ask me what was wrong. I'd prepared an angry retort for that, almost looking forward to a fight. It was far easier to argue with my lover than go through stuff in my head. He didn't follow my plans, though. As soon as he reached the bed, he flung himself next to me and sighed. Then he just lay there, not saying anything, not glaring at me. Not even trying to reach for the remote control.

That was definitely not a good sign. I'd _never_ seen him do something like that. When the song ended, I grabbed the remote control, and paused the CD. "Angel? Is something wrong?"

"Not really. I just talked with Buffy, and..." He sighed deeply. "I hate to see her alone. She deserves someone too."

It wasn't all that easy to reply to that. Angel was _very_ vocal with his feelings towards me, and I believed that he really loved me, but still... I guess he might have felt the same if I'd spent a lot of time with Cordy. Not really jealous, but something pretty close to it.

"Yeah, she does."

Sighing, he continued. "I want her to be as happy as I am."

Well, now. That made me feel a lot better. Didn't even think about turning the CD back on.

We lay there in silence for a moment. Angel was the one to end it. "Another bad day?"

I rolled on my side and nodded at him. "Yeah. Worse than the others. Giles wanted me to tell him all about feeling pain, and then he made me carry a damn anvil up and down the stairs." Even though it had been easy to carry it, I'd had some trouble keeping myself from dropping the anvil on Giles' toes.

That certainly caught Angel's attention. I don't really think he even realized the growl he let out a second before asking, "Did you hurt yourself ?"

"Nah. I'm just beat." God, I loved it when he got like that. I mean, no one's been like that towards me before! I was sure if I'd said that Giles' actions had caused me real pain, my lover would have rushed to the Watcher and forced him to eat his tweed jacket.

Angel brushed my hair back, a slow soothing motion, "Beat, huh?" Kissing my cheek, he whispered, "Then I guess I'll have to wait till tomorrow morning before I do something nice to you."

That whisper made my whole body shiver, just as it was meant to do, obviously. But no matter how much stamina a vampire had, I really _was_ exhausted, and knew that whatever my lover had in mind, it would have to wait till the next day.

His soft touch felt really good, though. Nice and soothing. I was beginning to think that maybe I didn't really need a shower all that much. This was so much better than any hot shower could ever be. The water could make my skin tingle with warmth for a few minutes, but Angel's touch made me warm inside.

"Xander?" The hand never stopped its movement. "Do you want to get something to eat?"

Did I? Well, maybe. Then again I wasn't all that hungry. "Nah." If possible, I wouldn't get up from the bed for at least ten hours.

Now there was laughter in my lover's voice. "Don't you think you should at least take off your clothes before falling asleep?"

"'s okay," I mumbled. "Not dirty."

A soft kiss was planted on my cheek. "No, you're not." The hand moved slower now. "Just go to sleep, love."

Muttering something incoherent, I squirmed closer to him, already feeling sleep rushing towards me like a truck.

* * *

I'd been through a lot since I met Buffy. Being the prey of a praying mantis, running in a pack with people --hyenas, whatever-- who ate little piglets and nice old principals, or getting really fishy. Not to mention all the crushes on weird people, Slayers and mummies. Compared to that, finding out that I really loved a guy, who happened to be a vampire wasn't that big a deal.

The fact that he became a homicidal maniac _was_ a big deal, though. As well as the fact that I still lusted after him, even though he'd killed people I knew. It took a long time for me to come to terms with my feelings. Good thing I dealt with them before my life was changed.

Did I say 'changed'? I meant 'ended'. Let's not fool ourselves here. A vampire is as dead as yesterday's mackerel. Thank god we don't smell as bad.

Okay, so my excuses probably _did_ stink to high heaven. Realizing that I loved Angel _had_ been a shock. The guy-thing and all. Alternative lifestyles weren't exactly all that highly regarded in a small place like Sunnydale. Besides, I'd always chased girls. How was I supposed to know how to approach a guy about warm feelings? A vampire guy. Bring him flowers?

The fact that I hadn't had all that much luck with girls didn't help. Neither did the fact that he was in love with Buffy.

I sure knew how to pick them. When I couldn't have him, I played with fire by getting involved with Cordelia. That certainly wasn't the most intelligent thing I'd ever done, but I really did like her. I still do in a way. Not _that_ way, though.

Angel's the only guy I'd ever really loved this way. Or a person, I should say, 'cause I've never felt like this with anyone before. I was kinda confused about it for a long, long time. Denial was my number one defense. It was much easier to think I was jealous of the way Buffster wanted him and not me, instead of thinking about the way it really was.

Crazy really how much easier it was to face hatred towards him than love.

It hit me when Kendra appeared for the first time. I drooled after her, but my heart wasn't really in it. Neither were the other parts of my anatomy. Cordy was there in reality, but it was Angel I held in my dreams. The morning I woke up after a vivid dream and remembered it, in color, I spent almost half an hour in the shower, feeling disgusted with myself.

My walls almost crumbled when Larry decided to confide in me. God, I thought. Was it really all that obvious? Me, the walking hormone factory all hot about a guy? No way. Not in a million years. No… No point denying it.

Living at the Hellmouth can really be a bitch at times. Would have been kinda nice to get my little revelation about really being into another guy before that said other guy became a soulless monster. And I hated him more than I'd ever hated anyone. I hated him, and I hated myself for caring about him enough to hate.

It was really just a hateful spring, I'd say.

Then he was gone. And Buffy was gone. Not to mention the way things went with Cordy. And everything was depressing, even though we didn't have to go to school. We just moped around, trying to manage the shop with way too many customers until our Slayer came back. I felt kinda empty until Angel came back, too.

All those months after he'd gotten back from hell, I battled with myself. First it was about my feelings. Was it really love I felt? It took me some time to even admit to myself that yes, I really did want to do all the smooching and groping -thing with him. Then came the most agonizing time, months spent wondering if I should tell him, hoping that he would feel the same, fearing that I would get his fangs in my throat after the big revelation.

In the end, I did get sharp teeth on my neck, but not after confessing my undying love. If that vampire who killed me hadn't been turned into a small pile of dust, I would probably have thanked him for what he did. If I'd remained a mortal, I would never have dared to talk to Angel about the romantic stuff. I was pretty sure that he wouldn't have either.

After all, our relationship would have been doomed from the start. I'd spent _weeks_ going through all that 'I will age, he won't, I can handle sun, he can't, I'm seventeen, he's over two hundred' -stuff.

Let me tell you something. Angst is definitely not a way of life I'd recommend.

Him being nice and helpful didn't make things any easier. If he'd acted like a real jerk, I could have continued loathing him, and I wouldn't have had to spend months worrying about my feelings. But he turned from a mysterious stranger into a guy we could depend on in times of trouble. Someone we could trust.

I'd hated the stranger who'd taken over his body, the _thing_ that had looked like him, smiled his smile while killing my friends. Even though Willow's spell had slain that monster forever, our Angel had survived, and _he'd_ been the one who'd been returned to us. He'd also been the one Angelus had hurt the most. It couldn't have been easy for him to stay here in Sunnydale after everything that had happened when he didn't have his soul.

It still makes me blush to even think about it, but a huge part of my attitude towards him was jealousy. He was still here, still helping the Slayer, and I was burning with jealousy, because I was sure that he was doing it for Buffy. He wasn't. He was doing it for the world. For all of us.

I realized that when he risked his neck as we fought against that man eating ogre. The monster had threatened Willow and Giles, stalkied them and finally cornered them in that abandoned warehouse, and our hero had jumped in between the hellish creep and my friends. Not Buffy. Giles and Willow. Two days after we'd killed the ogre, Faith had headed north and I'd decided to make peace with Angel.

I'd thought that even if we never got together, we might as well be friends. When I finally had the courage to let him know that I was willing to put the past behind my behind, our relationship went from enemies to friends to partners and then finally lovers in just a few days.

No wonder I was feeling a little light headed. The fact that Giles forced me to analyze it all, when all I wanted was to explore the new relationship Angel and I had, didn't help. Nope. It just made my head hurt.

* * *

No matter how late, I still hated waking up.

I didn't get up immediately after waking. It was so nice to just lie there, Angel's arms around me, his hair tickling my ear as he fidgeted a little.

But eventually we both had to get up. Not just because of my dumb agenda with Giles, but because of more mundane matters. We were low on all the stuff we needed. Food, soap and shampoo, lube.

I could live without soap and shampoo for a couple of days, but the rest of the stuff was vital. Well, at least to me. A man's gotta eat, right? Not to mention all the fun stuff where the lube was needed.

Giles had probably understood my subtle hint the previous night, and hadn't gotten the anvil back after I threw it out of the window. He accepted grudgingly my need to go shopping, so we spent only about half an hour talking. I was pretty amazed about it all, until Buffy appeared in the library. Of course the Slaying-business went above vampire-business. Um... Heh, actually the two of them are the same thing, but when I was talking about vamps, I was talking about me. Mr. Soul.

Hurrying home, I was happy to see that Angel hadn't left yet, and I could accompany him on our little shopping expedition. We even had time for a special snack, so that the scents at the butcher's wouldn't make me all vampiric.

We had a deal with my lover. I'd get the food while he waited outside. He'd go and buy the lube, unless I was already going in that direction and he wasn't. He'd provide the money now, and I would learn the wonders of investing later.

Angel didn't want to talk all that much about money. I knew he had it, and no, I didn't ask where he'd gotten it. It wasn't all that hard to guess.

Yeah, I knew I couldn't live in denial forever, but damn it, we were still doing the 'new couple' -routine. There'd be plenty of time to angst about a certain vampire's former thieving ways later.

The butcher was used to seeing me shop there by now. He knew Angel already, and knew not to ask any questions. Too much curiosity was bad for business, and my lover and I were good customers. I picked up the plastic bag the man had ready for me, and handed him a few bills, trying to look like the bag was heavy for me, even though I could have carried it with one finger.

The joys of undeadness.

Angel grinned at me as I got out of the butcher's and we strolled to the next stop on our shopping expedition. My turn to wait this time, as the fearless older vampire ventured in to buy lube and shampoo.

Since I stayed outside, I had no way of knowing just exactly how cool he was with buying lubricant. I'd seen the receipts, so I knew he did _buy_ it, and didn't just shove it into his pocket like I probably would have.

Okay, I was exaggerating. I'd gone to the supermarket a few times to buy lube, and I hadn't died out of embarrassment. Mainly because I was already dead. Yep. Having to see the clerk smirk at the bottle was really something I could exist without.

I didn't have to wait for long. Angel reappeared next to me with an enigmatic smile on his lips, and we headed back home. No need to stay out for longer. I wasn't exactly hungry, but he _had_ promised to do something nice to me.

Home, sweet home. Blood went into the fridge, I tossed the bag with the shampoo and our new bottle of lube into the bathroom, and then scurried to the bedroom ahead of Angel, pulling my clothes off as I ran. I could hear my lover chuckle somewhere behind me.

Hello? I was a teenager, remember? I'd been promised an exciting time in bed, and I wasn't into hiding my enthusiasm from Angel. Besides, he was there right behind me, his shirt flying on top of mine on the floor as he stripped himself for me.

I moved my hands to push off my boxers, and then held still as I heard Angel whisper, "Leave them on."

Okay, I could do that. I guessed he wanted to treat me like a present and do some unwrapping. That was cool.

Angel and sex... Sounded really good, didn't it? Those two words went so well together. Whether it was hot and fast sex, or sweet lovemaking, it was always good. Better than good, really, but I wasn't in a position to think about adjectives to describe our sex life. I was living it, and needed no words. Nope. Not even one.

Couldn't really say anything with Angel's mouth on mine, kisses preventing me from making any coherent sounds. It was so sweet, his blunt teeth nipping my lips, his tongue teasing mine. I wrapped my hands around him, caressing his bare back as he moved the kisses to my throat.

I'd died from a bite there, but that didn't mean I found his touch terrifying. On the contrary, actually. Most people would probably think I was insane, but the thought of having his fangs on my throat was a turn on.

Between the kisses, there were soft words whispered. Mainly my name, but other things, too. Things that made me turn to jello.

We were moving now. My back hit the door, as Angel pushed me against it. The sound of the key turning in the lock made me grin. So, we wouldn't be getting up before dawn, and maybe not even then. That sounded perfect.

When the door was properly locked, I was guided to the bed. Those few yards took forever, for we stopped to kiss and caress each other after every step. It was a miracle we didn't end up a very happy pile in the middle of the floor.

I felt the edge of the bed on the back of my calves, and fell down, landing on my back. Angel stood by the bed for a moment, and then pushed down his underwear, grinning as my eyes went to the part of his anatomy he revealed.

"Nothing you haven't seen before."

He thought now was the time to make jokes? "Oh, shut up and get over here, you big dummy!" Not the most romantic thing to say, but since it worked, it didn't matter how it sounded.

Sitting next to me, he leaned close, and put his hand on my chest. It didn't stay there for long, and I squirmed as his touch started to move down my body. It never went below the waistband of my boxers, though, and I made a move to sit up and pull him down to me.

"Lie back." Dark eyes full of laughter, Angel waited until I complied, and then added, "Now try to hold still."

Sure, I could hold still. It wasn't all that hard to just lie in bed. Except when he was now slowly pushing my boxers off. That made me fidget a little, some parts of me twitching more than the others. I saw Angel smile as he tossed my underwear on the floor, and then he crawled back to lie next to me, his mouth finding mine.

It went a little hazy after that. Kisses everywhere. Then his hands. This time there was no silk stopping his explorations, and I lay there, panting, even though my mind should have remembered that I didn't need air. Mainly because my mind was really concentrating on one thing only at the moment.

Kinda like he was now. He was stroking my sides absentmindedly, but his lips were concentrating on my nipples. Did I ever mention that his mouth on my nipples was a major turn on, too? Damn, the combination of his lips, and those gently nipping teeth and any part of my body was a turn on. And he was certainly doing some biting now.

I made a few sounds that would have made me blush if I wasn't in the middle of something urgent.

Squirming even harder, I reached out with my hand. His touch was wonderful, but I wanted to touch him too. After a few minutes of fumbling, my hand finally met Angel's hardness, and I wrapped my fingers around it. I'd reached my goal --well, one of them, anyway-- but my move made him stop nibbling me.

"Angel! Don't stop!"

There was a short silence, and then he gasped, "Do you want a pierced nipple?"

My hand stilled as I looked up at his face. Oh. I'd completely forgotten. "Too much?"

"Yes. Now, shut up and let me do this the way I want."

It was frustrating as hell, but that was the deal. He called the shots.

At least he was doing exactly what I wanted him to. Nibbling nipples was fun, but there was a part of me that _really_ wanted all of his attention right now.

Yep. Fingers tickling my belly button, and then I was grinning happily as his hand reached my cock. Bingo! We had a winner. And I didn't have to applaud with just one hand.

"Angel..." I moaned his name as he started to stroke me without any of his usual teasing. He'd said something about wanting to do something nice to me, and he was succeeding in that. Very nice. Very, very, _very_ nice. I wasn't exactly in any condition to think of other words. Or to say even the few that were still in my mind. I did a lot of moaning, though.

His touch was just perfect. The speed and pressure of the movements bringing me closer to that wonderful moment when there was _nothing_ in the world but pleasure. We were almost there. God, I'd always thought that sex would be great, but boy, I'd had no idea!

Clutching the sheets tighter, I began to moan Angel's name, wanting to urge him to do it faster, harder, but didn't have enough I.Q points to form any coherent words.

Almost there, just a few strokes more and I'd be there. Oh, _man_ just... one... more...

My eyes flew open as his hand stilled, and the squeezed the base of my erection, making it impossible for me to come. " _No_!" I couldn't believe he'd stopped! "Angel! I have to..."

"Oh, you will. But not yet."

What the hell was he thinking? "Not _yet_?" Pitiful as it probably was, my squeal didn't make him move his hand. Cruel. Just plain cruel. And I'd thought he wouldn't tease.

He squirmed a little, and then his lips brushed against my ear. "No, not yet. We have all day to do this. Hours." His mouth was now on my throat.

"Hours? Are you _insane_?" I'd go out of my mind in minutes, and he talked about hours?

Small nibbles on my chest were interrupted by a whisper. "Yeah. Mad about you, anyway." Then that soft trail moved further down. I couldn't say anything to answer his remark, as those wonderful lips closed around me.

Oh... All thoughts seemed to rush out of my head again. Yeah, this was great. Once again Angel's mouth was making me wild. I moved my hips up, knowing from experience that he'd enjoy doing this more if I showed him how much I appreciated his efforts. I did. I sure did.

I squirmed, trying to get the right angle, and when I felt I had the best leverage I could have, I started to move faster, burying myself inside his mouth. Angel's hand trailed up and down my thigh as he sucked harder, and I was sure I was seeing stars inside my eyelids. Yess....

This time, when he stopped, my hands tore the sheets. The ripping sound almost drowned my desperate groan. " _Angel_! What the hell are you doing? What more do you want from me?"

"Everything. I want you." His breath tickled my swollen flesh. "I want to make you so crazy with need that you'll just push me on my stomach and then take me."

Almost before he'd finished, I grabbed him, hard, and shoved him off me. There was a flash of triumph in his eyes, as I rolled him over and moved on top of him. Some small corner of my consciousness, that was still capable of coherent thought, informed me that I should have unpacked the plastic bags, when I squeezed the last of the lubricant to my hand. Then the empty tube went flying to the floor as I put that slick stuff all over me.

It would have to do. There was no way I'd go wandering around the house now. I seriously doubted I could even leave the bed.

I was so far gone, I didn't even think about delaying the sweet moment when I'd feel him surround me. Getting a firm grip of his hip with one hand, I used the other one to guide myself in. Even though I hadn't prepared him in any way, I slid in with one hard thrust, needing to be one with him.

"Xander!" Angel's voice was haggard, and for a second I felt horrified of what I was doing. His own words said that he wanted it like this, but this was _really_ rough. Really hot, too. Hot and tight and... God! I had to stop right there and then or I couldn't stop at all...

Then all my doubts flew out of the window, as he groaned, "Harder!"

That was about the only thing --with the exception of 'stop', maybe-- I would obey.

Yep, so 'harder' it was. After pulling out, I slammed myself back in, and then did it again and again. Soon harder became faster, and then I couldn't really think and everything went hazy. All I knew was our bodies thrashing on the bed together. That was pretty much all I _needed_ to know.

I collapsed on top of him. As soon as I was able to talk again, I whispered in his ear, "We're both insane."

Angel snorted. It was hard for me to stay on his back, when that marvelous body was shaking with laughter. "Yes, we are! God, that was _great_!"

"Thank you," I murmured, and then joined his laughter. He squirmed around, and then hugged me tight.

Sex with him... It just blew me away! No matter what we did, or where we did it, it was always great. From slow and tender to madness. I loved it all. And I loved the looks and moves before it, and the touches and kisses after it.

Either I'd been missing something really badly, or I was the luckiest guy in the world to find someone like Angel. Now that he was holding me, and stroking my hair slowly, I could even ask about that. Would have been kinda stupid to be afraid of talking about it after what we'd just done. "Is it always like this, or is this great just because we're both vampires?"

Angel's hand didn't stop the stroking motion, but I could sense that my question baffled him. "And by 'this' you mean..?"

"Sex." What did he think I meant?

"I have no idea. Sex between two men can..." This time his hand stilled. "Xander? You don't mean that, do you? You're talking about sex in general."

Well, _duh_! "Don't sound that surprised! I told you that I've never done this before the night we hopped into bed."

Squirming, Angel moved us so that he could look me in the face. "Yes, but I always thought that you meant that you hadn't done it with a man before. You really mean that I'm the first person you've ever made love with?"

Oh, god, how embarrassing! My cheeks were burning as I nodded.

The look on his face was full of wonder. "I'm honored." His hand squeezed me a little before resuming the slow caress.

Sometimes I forgot how different Angel really was. He usually just showed his modern side to everyone, wearing normal clothes, talking the way we all did. It was hard to remember that somewhere deep down inside him, was the guy who had born over two centuries ago in Ireland. We joked about it a lot, but the fact was that my lover really _was_ the most romantic guy I knew.

That wasn't all that bad, you know. The world we lived in was truly a gloomy place, and if we wanted to stay sane, or relatively sane, actually, we needed some mush and romance in our lives.

"Yeah, well so am I." I nuzzled against him and then closed my eyes.

Another day was dawning. Shuteye time for all the members of the fang gang. No matter how romantic we were.

* * *

I didn't dream that day. No need after what happened around the time the sun came up.

Angel was already awake and in the shower when I dragged myself out of bed the next evening. I could hear him humming while he washed himself. That happy sound made me smirk.

Before padding into the bathroom, I stripped the sheets off the bed and carried them to the washroom. Hot and exciting sex was also very messy. Washing the sheets was a small price to pay for it, though. As I was shoving the sheets into the hamper, I noticed the tearing. Oh, crap! So maybe having hot sex would cost us new sheets. Still, I thought it wasn't a high price.

There was no one in the bathroom when I got there, and I sighed as I stepped under the warm spray of water. Fooling around in the shower would have been a perfect way to start the night.

It would have been a perfectly good reason to be a little late for Late Night with the Watcher Show.

Remembering I had a torture session ahead of me didn't quite destroy my good mood. But I wasn't all that cheery when I got dressed and then went to get some food.

Everything was ready for me. Angel had even placed a napkin next to my cup. I offered him a smile, and sat down to eat.

"Morning, Xander." I felt lips on my cheek. "Is everything okay?"

Seemed I couldn't fool my lover. Didn't really even try. "The same old thing. I'm meeting Giles again." I didn't sound enthusiastic.

"Oh."

I looked up from my cup, recognizing his tone of voice. "Yeah,"

Angel's expression was unreadable, but his eyes were burning dark fire. That was about as angry one ever saw him. If he went beyond that, his eyes would be golden yellow. "Did he tell you what you're going to talk about today?"

"The usual. Speed, strength, stuff like that." I could have lied and said Giles wanted to talk about 17th century poetry, but I kinda thought I should be honest with the guy I loved and was going to spend the rest of eternity with. Besides, for some reason Angel could always tell when I was lying these days.

"I'm coming with you."

Squinting my eyes, I tried to read all the emotions behind that statement. "I don't need you to baby-sit me, Angel. I'm a big boy now, and I can deal with one nosy Watcher guy."

A smile appeared on his lips. "Would you mind if I tag along today? It's not like I have anything better to do." He purred the last words.

Reality check. I might be able to win an argument with my lover, but only if he played fair. Whenever he purred the words out, or looked sultry, or _groped_ while arguing, I lost. Damn cheat! "Okay." And I'm weak.

We both knew that.

It was nice to walk to school with Angel. We talked about lots of stuff, none of it really important, but it kept me from thinking about the upcoming inquisition. To be honest, I was happy he was there with me. Maybe Giles would lay off a little.

How was I to know that it would be the weirdest interview with the Watcher ever?

We were a bit late, so this time even the cleaning lady had gone home. I liked the sound of our footsteps on the floor. Seemed like the echo wasn't all that strange when I wasn't walking alone. So what? It _did_ sound a bit creepy to walk there alone!

Giles was standing by his counter when we stepped into the library. He had a smile on his face as he lifted his gaze from yet another book he'd been reading. "Evening, Xander." He blinked as he noticed Angel. "Oh. And Angel. Come on in."

He didn't sound all that confident. I did my best to hide the smile as I walked closer to him, feeling my lover right behind me.

"I hope you don't mind my presence?" Angel did form it as a question, but it sure didn't sound like that.

"Not at all." Giles shook his head.

Then we all stood there in silence. I guess no one knew exactly what to say next.

Placing the book on the counter, Giles cleared his throat. "Actually, there was something I wanted to ask you two."

We both raised an eyebrow at that.

"Buffy would really benefit from training with you. I can teach her only how to fight against someone of my strength. No matter how I try, it's just not enough. To keep her safe... Um, I mean in shape, I need you to help me."

I thought Giles' comment was a bit odd, but that didn't necessarily mean anything. Sometimes I just didn't get what he was saying. Had to be the fact that he was British. It's a whole different language. Lots of fancy words and some really funny differences in pronunciation.

Angel seemed to understand exactly what the librarian was saying, though. Smiling a little, he cocked his head. "I'd say that's rather... poetic."

Giles' eyes widened, and his face turned slightly red, but clearly not from anger. What could have shocked him so much? "I... I don't know..."

"So, what did you mean about using us to train Buffy?" Angel sounded like he hadn't even heard Giles' spluttering. There was an amused timbre in his voice, though.

"I..." Giles looked really confused. When he realized that Angel had no intention of continuing with whatever he'd meant by his remark, he cleared his throat again. "She needs to practice with someone who's stronger than I am. I thought that it would be good if she could practice with real vampires."

"A very good idea. We wouldn't want to see her get hurt, would we? She's too important to lose."

There was nothing out of the ordinary in Angel's words, but the way Giles flinched made me really interested in what was going on.

Looking resigned, Giles held his head up high, not breaking his eye contact with Angel. "Yes, she is." It was almost like he was getting ready for a fight he couldn't win.

Angel accepted that with a smile. "I'm glad you think so, too. So, about this new training program..."

I wandered to the bookshelves, not really interested in what they were planning. I knew they'd tell me what to do when they were ready. And drawing their attention might just make Giles ask those stupid questions again. What I was interested in though, were the cryptic remarks those two had been making.

Hell, yes I was jealous.

I was jealous every damn time Angel got mushy while talking about Buffster. Nope, didn't do it on purpose, and actually thought I was being silly, but my stomach still clenched every time he mentioned her that way. I _knew_ he loved me, he'd said that a hundred times, but what those two had had went way beyond a normal romance. They were like Romeo and Juliet without the suicide -thing. Jack and Rose without the drowning. I think the word I'm looking for here is 'epic'.

Whoa! Insecure much? Yeah, well you try to be me, living here, with people like the old Cordy around, and let's see how confident you are!

Grabbing the first book that my hand hit, I stormed to the table, and tried to spend some time reading, while Angel was still talking with Giles. I honestly don't know what the book was all about. All I could think of was my lover and his ex. The girl who just happened to be one of my best friends.

It was low of me, but in the end, I realized that no matter how he must have once loved her, Angel had chosen me. He was living with _me_ , loving me. And no matter how stupid that was, it helped me to shrug off the jealousy.

A nice little half hour identity crisis. Geez, if only everything was that simple.

I was smiling to myself when Angel appeared in front of me, a smug little grin on his face. "We're ready to go."

"Good." Pushing the chair back, I got to my feet and stretched. "I need some exercise." Just a comment, not foreplay. I was really stiff, and a good jog, or hand to hand combat training would do wonders. Foreplay would come after that. Or maybe during that. Who knows?

Angel smirked. Yep, it was an honest smirk. "Don't we all. Some nice, long sweaty exercise."

His words were obviously meant for Giles, who went rigid, looking like he was going to explode.

Letting the smirk vanish, Angel shook his head. "That was uncalled for. I apologize." When he saw both me and Giles stare he shrugged. "I think our business here's done for the night,"

Back to the old 'mysterious guy' -routine. That was fine by me. At least for the moment. I'd grill him as soon as we were alone. "Sure. How about tomorrow?" We hadn't made any plans yet. At least not anything I'd actually heard about. But then again, I hadn't really paid any attention.

"Yes, well, I was hoping you could come here again." Seeing me grimace, Giles added, "Not just to talk. To do some research with the others. We must be ready for anything now. Can't let this peaceful interlude lull us into a false sense of security."

Big words. He must be really upset about something.

"See you tomorrow, then." Sighing, I nodded at the Watcher. After he muttered his reply, I headed towards the door, Angel just a few steps behind me.

Giles followed us with his gaze. The look he threw at Angel was definitely an odd one. A mix of fear and relief. Like he'd just told my lover a big secret, and was now happy he hadn't been hit or bitten. Angel didn't seem to pay any attention to him, but I noticed the small smile playing on his lips again as we walked out of the library and down the hall.

I couldn't wait for one more second. As soon as we were out of the building, I asked, "What was that all about?"

"Giles is in love with Buffy."

That was about the last thing I would have expected to hear. " _What_?" I didn't care if it was a horrified yelp. There was no one in the streets at that time of night anyway.

"Sounds incredible, doesn't it? I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it myself." Angel sounded more than just a little amused. "I'd noticed that there was something strange going on with Giles, but I had no idea it could be this."

Giles and Buffy? Our stiff bookworm in love with Buffy? _Buffy_?

"Are you okay?"

I just nodded absentmindedly, trying to figure out something intelligent to say. When I couldn't think of anything, I shook my head.

"Was that a yes or a no?" This time there was no doubt about the laughter in Angel's voice.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I said that even as I was shaking my head. "No I'm not. _Buffy_?"

He stepped closer to me and took my hand into his. "What's the problem, Xander? Are you jealous?"

"How can you even ask me that?" Squeezing his hand tight, I glowered at him, realizing that he was trying to make a point. I didn't even bother to say that I was not the one who used to be involved with Buffster. "It's just that he's so... _Giles_!"

Angel sighed. "And what is that?"

"He's too... Too..." I stuttered, not knowing where to begin. There was no way in hell I'd just blurt out that he's too Giles.

"Too what? Librarian? Watcher? British? What?"

"Old." There. That was a perfectly good reason to be shocked about all of this. "He's old enough to be her father."

"Yes. And I'm old enough to be your great grandfather nine generations back." My lover said with a calm voice.

I knew that. I just hadn't thought about it that way before. "That's different."

"How is that different? Xander, I've been around for a long time. I may look like I'm forever young, and in a way I am, but that doesn't change the fact that this country didn't even exist when I was born. Does that make me a cradle robber now that I'm with you? Am I a sick old man who's taking an advantage of a young boy?" Soft, quiet words, filled with pain.

" _No_!" Pulling Angel into a fierce hug and then an even fiercer kiss, I snarled around my fangs, "Don't _ever_ say that again! You love me and I love you!" Simple, but true.

He kissed me back, and then gently chided me, "And Giles loves Buffy."

Giles and Buffy. It sounded so weird, like C-3PO falling in love with Princess Leia. "I... I just don't get it!"

After a searching look, Angel nodded. "I know. But you know what? Maybe you don't have to." With that he continued walking.

I stood there, spluttering, and then ran after him.

The rest of our walk was quiet. Not a tension filled silence. Just your everyday silence. I usually loved those moments with Angel, considering that he was the only person --not counting Wills here-- I could be quiet with for long periods. With others I always felt like I should say something, and usually ended up babbling something stupid.

Now I was quiet, because my head was too full of thoughts for me to get any babble out. Mainly my mind was playing the same tune over and over again, shocked exclamations about a certain Slayer and her Watcher.

That went on until we reached home.

When we stepped inside, and Angel turned on the lights in the living room, I saw a glimpse of his expression. It made all the stunned thoughts disappear. In their place there was now fear. "Angel?"

"What?" He looked at me, the frown melting off. "You okay?"

"Yeah. I guess. Well, not really. But that's not the issue here. Are _you_ okay?"

Angel thought for a moment, and then nodded. "I'm fine. It's funny really, but I'm okay." He sounded bemused.

Good. "So no brooding?" No brooding meant no more pining after Slayer. And that meant that I wouldn't have to worry. Well, this whole thing made me worry. Now _I_ was acting like a certifiable bitca.

He didn't answer. At least with words. I felt his hands rising to my back, and then there was a loud sound of clothes being ripped into shreds. Since it really was the most efficient way to get us both naked, I copied his actions, and soon we were lying on top of a pile of torn clothes, moving against each other.

No words were said when we eventually managed to drag ourselves to the bedroom. Only when the lights were out, and I was lying in Angel's arms, he kissed me on the side of my head and whispered, "Love you, Alexander Harris."

And that was that.

* * *

The next evening was definitely weird. Angel wasn't in a mood for idle chattering, and all I could think of was Giles. Buffy and Giles. Well, actually it was more like _Buffy and Giles_???

Not exactly the best line of thought, considering I'd have to go to the library again, to spend hours with the Watcher. Thank god this time the others would be there, too. The sudden lack of hellish activity at the Mouth of Hell was starting to raise suspicion among our little group, and we were going to do some research.

Too bad I'd have to study first. Just me and the Watcher in the library for an hour or so before the others arrived. How on earth could I keep my mouth shut about... _Buffy and Giles_???

Surprisingly well, as it turned out.

Giles didn't look any more willing to start chattering than Angel had, and instead of a few questions about vampirism, he handed me a few ordinary schoolbooks and told me to write an essay about some ship that'd been sunk in some old war. I didn't really pay all that much attention to his instructions, really. I was busy keeping a certain shocked exclamation inside.

I even wrote the damn essay before realizing that since finals were over, I didn't _need_ to study anymore. Throwing angry looks at the Watcher, I muttered something to myself. Didn't say anything out loud to him, though.

Angel arrived before the others. He nodded at the Watcher, looking as unruffled as usual. I smiled at him, and then went back to muttering. Blowing off some steam was good for my nerves.

Now that there were just the three of us in the library, I could feel tension rising. I was still shocked about everything that I'd heard last night. Angel was acting pensive. And Giles... Well, he looked like he was stuck in some sort of a personal hell.

"Okay, here's the essay." I finally decided to break the silence, and shoved the paper at Giles.

He took it, nodding slightly. "Thank you, Xander. Amazing how fast you were able to write that one."

Oh, so that was the point of it. I was a bit annoyed. What was his theory today? 'Does being a vampire make you smarter?' I was about to point out that I was just trying to focus on something other than a certain information I'd heard yesterday, when the phone rang.

As Giles went to grab the receiver, I was glad I hadn't had the chance to do the old 'exit thought, open mouth and insert foot' -routine.

"Giles." He sounded tense as he answered the phone. But not as tense as he did a second later. "Buffy? Are you all right?"

I got up as he continued listening to her. Both Angel and I were drawn to the counter, needing to hear what was going on.

It wasn't the first time I'd focused my hearing on a sound that a normal human couldn't hear. I was glad I'd practiced when I could hear Buffster's annoyed voice. It didn't take long to gather what was wrong.

"Right. I'll be there right away." Giles lowered the receiver and turned to us. "Their car broke down. I must go and get them."

I thought for a second. Then I whispered from under my breath, so that the only guy with a heartbeat in the room wouldn't hear me, "You should go with him."

Angel looked me straight in the eyes and then nodded. Following Giles to the door he made a few comments about it being safer if he went along. A bad one, lover. Safer? There hadn't been a vampire or even a green slimy demon around here for weeks.

Didn't really care how he talked Giles into letting him go with him, as long as I had some privacy to have a little nervous breakdown.

When I heard the front door slam closed, I spent a few minutes letting all those hysterical 'Buffy and Giles???' out. That was actually quite fun. When I got tired of imitating Jim Carrey, I snooped around the small office behind the counter, trying to find Giles' personal diary, or some sort of evidence of his feelings. Was really disappointed to find only the journal he kept was about me. I amused myself browsing through it, laughing at the serious way he'd scribbled all the things down.

It actually made me resent him less. Studying me was important to the man. I'd been a real ass towards him less than a year ago, and knowing that I could somehow make it up to him now was good. Not so good that I'd volunteer to do more study sessions, but good anyway.

I read for a while, and then sneaked down the hallway to the vending machine. I might not be able to eat chocolate without it ending up really ewwie, but I could still smell it. It was something I did only when I was either alone, or with Angel. Didn't think the others would be a good audience when I sniffed chocolate.

But god it smelled good!

After I'd had my chocolate fix, I paced for a moment. When my feet carried me past the table again, I stopped and glared the books there. Big, heavy books with lots of stuff to read. Some contained real prophesies, but there were those that were just jokes, or the ravings of a madman. The trick was to find out which were which.

Even though I tried to protest every time someone said anything about it, I really did like the old books. Research boy, you know?

One of the books looked familiar. I picked it up, remembering that Angel had bought it somewhere and that Giles had been really impressed with it. That had to mean that it was a genuine article.

I heard a door open, and concentrated for a moment to find out who it was. A heartbeat. So it was a human. Cataloguing smells, I realized it was Giles. The others had to be still out, maybe loading stuff from his car or something.

He'd probably tell me all about it when he got here. That was just okay now that I'd had the chance to do some major ranting.

"Excuse me, but could you tell me where to find Rupert Giles?"

The soft feminine voice made me yelp and drop the book I'd been browsing through. At least the volume didn't land on my foot.

The woman smiled when she saw my stunned expression. "I'm sorry if I startled you."

"No, it's okay. I thought you were Giles." Surveying her looks, I immediately realized why my senses had lied to me. She was wearing a light brown tweed jacket and a shade darker skirt. There was a leather briefcase tucked under her arm, and I could smell musty old books in there. My mouth began to work even before my mind had finished coming to the right conclusion. "I didn't know there were female Watchers, too."

She looked shocked, but recovered quickly. The smile was a little forced this time. "I gather it that you are one of the youngsters who help the Slayer with her work."

I nodded. "Yeah." That's me. Eager to defeat the Forces of Darkness. Ready to serve and protect. Willing to risk being dusted to save the world and all that.

"Good. I would have been very disappointed if Rupert had told ordinary mortals about our organization."

The phrase 'ordinary mortals' made me smile a little. I had no idea if he'd told his colleagues about me yet, and since I didn't want another Watcher to ask me questions, I didn't correct her. "Don't worry, we're really discreet." When she didn't look very convinced, I decided to change the subject. "Giles and the others will be here in a few minutes. Can I get you anything to drink? Coffee maybe?"

"Thank you. I'd like some tea, if possible."

Of course. I scurried to Giles' little office and put some water to boil. Then I returned to the library. The other Watcher was standing by the table, browsing through the book I'd been studying.

"The Arasham Accords? Where did Rupert get this? I thought that the last copy was destroyed in the London fire." Her voice was full of wonder. "This is one of the most important prophecies about the Slayer we know of."

"Yeah, that's what Giles said when Angel brought it to him."

She was quiet for a moment. Then, laying the book back to the table, she turned to face me. "You mean that the book was in the possession of a _vampire_? That he's had the opportunity to read it?"

Her tone was so outraged, I had no idea what to say. Finally I decided to go with the truth and nodded. "Yes. But you can't really compare Angel to the other vampires."

Snorting, she obviously decided to drop the subject. "Well, I think it would be proper for me to introduce myself. As you've already guessed, I'm a Watcher. Gemma Masterson."

I stared at the offered hand for a moment, wondering how she'd react when she felt the coldness of mine. Then the footsteps approaching the library made us both turn to the door. I sighed with relief as I smelled another tweed jacket. Maybe Giles could solve the situation a little better that me.

Buffy was the first to barge in to the library, closely followed by the others. Willow was just saying something to Oz when she realized that we weren't actually alone, and she stared at the other Watcher with her mouth open.

"Gemma?" Giles seemed stunned to see her. "Is that really you?"

She nodded. "Hello, Rupert."

I could see Buffy mouth 'Rupert?' to Willow. Using his first name had to be a sign that those two knew each other. I mean, beyond the usual 'Mr. Giles' way of knowing.

Giles walked to her and shook her hand. "I was sorry to hear about Henry, Gemma. He was a good man." Seeing the curt nod, he added, "How is Christine?"

"Fine." Masterson sounded like she didn't want to talk about her, whoever she was. "And how are you?"

Ouch! That sounded really cold. Like a platitude one was forced to ask. Kinda reminded me of the British English lesson our teacher once gave, making us all walk around the class, repeating 'how do you do?' to each other.

Blinking, Giles nodded, "I'm fine, too." He seemed to read her attitude the same I did.

Now that the necessary courtesies were dealt with, Masterson let her gaze flicker around the room, focusing on my friends. "I... I assume these are..."

I interrupted her question. "Yep, they are." That made her smile thinly. Well, it was better than a scowl anyway.

Giles looked from her to me. Then he coughed a little. "I assume this is official business?" When Masterson nodded, he continued, "Is it private, or..."

"Actually, I'd like to have a word with all of you." The other Watcher cut his sentence short.

More blinking. Then our favorite Brit gestured towards the big round table. "Please, have a seat." Well, he did manage to say that without stuttering.

I'd already seen how Angel hovered near the door. Since I was standing right there by the table, I couldn't really go to him and ask why he had that expression. I just smiled at him, feeling a bit better when he walked to us.

We all sat around the table. I noticed the way Masterson kept glaring at everyone. It was quite obvious that she wasn't here on a holiday and I was getting a bit worried about what she was up to. She sat between me and Giles.

"All right." Giles nodded at his fellow Watcher. "Let's begin. We already know each other. This is Buffy, the Slayer."

Masterson's eyes widened a little. "It's an honor to meet you."

"You too." Buffy grinned. "After all, without you guys, I wouldn't have all the books to help me. Not to mention all the times Giles has saved my life."

The Watcher raised her eyebrow, but didn't say anything. I got the impression that she wasn't all that fond of Giles. That was odd. I thought all those scholarly Brits adored each other and sat around together drinking tea, muttering stuff like 'splendid' all day long.

"And this is Willow."

"Yes, we have heard of you. You're the one who allegedly gave Angelus his soul back."

The Watcher's words made us all jump. It was a silent agreement that no one would mention Angelus, unless Angel brought the subject up, and now this complete stranger was talking about him like he was just a character in a book or a TV series. Maybe it was how she saw him.

Angel was looking perfectly calm, but there was a hint of a sarcastic smile on his lips. A clear sign that he was upset. I wished he was sitting next to me so I could hold his hand or do something to show him that I understood.

Willow nodded slightly. "Pleased to meet you." The doubt in her voice made it clear that she was just being polite.

"Good." Giles hurried to continue before anyone else could make any comments about the matter. "Next to her is Oz."

Masterson squinted her eyes, but before she could actually say it, Oz said dryly, "The werewolf."

Willow beamed at him.

I wasn't sure how the Watcher would react, and was glad to see that she smiled slightly at him. Then her gaze moved to the silent figure next to Oz.

All the mortals held their breaths. The tension in the room was palpable, and I could smell fear. I glanced at Giles and saw that he was squeezing his hands together. It suddenly occurred to me that maybe the other Watchers had sent Masterson to evaluate him as a Watcher, and I felt sorry for him. Even though he was a bit uptight --not to mention nosy and irritating-- sometimes, he was also one of my best friends and he did a helluva job with helping Buffy slay all the vampires. He didn't deserve to be questioned.

"And you are..." She had obviously no idea of whom she was looking at.

The bright brown eyes met Masterson's gaze calmly. "The vampire formerly known as Angelus. You can call me Angel."

I couldn't help laughing at the Watcher's expression. Her mouth was open and she stared at Angel like he'd just grown a second head.

Angel's gaze flickered to meet mine, and I could plainly see amusement there. Somehow the absurdity of the moment made it possible for him to joke about his nightmare like I'd never heard him do before. He held out his hand to the shocked woman and said, "Pleased to meet you."

Her hand moved reflexively, and then she pulled back before it could touch Angel's. "If this is a joke, it's not a good one."

"Not a joke. Surely it has been reported that I help the Slayer with her work."

Masterson squinted her eyes. "That's what Rupert claims. However, vampires have been known to trick young Slayers before." She turned to gaze Giles. "But never before has one of us been so gullible as to believe a blood sucking fiend."

Her comments stung us all. Buffy looked ready to explode. Giles had lowered his gaze to the wooden surface of the table when his colleague had begun her angry retort. I was stunned. The thought that the other Watchers didn't believe that Angel had a soul had never even crossed my mind.

That reminded me of the first time I'd actually confronted him. I hadn't really believed that he had a soul either. But when he'd been willing to attack other vampires, going against the Master just like the rest of us, I'd known that he wasn't all that bad after all. Everything that had happened since, had only confirmed that belief. Maybe he wasn't a good vampire, considering the fact that vampires didn't usually help the Slayer and didn't have a soul, but my Angel was a good man.

I realized that I was nearly bristling with anger, and almost started to laugh. So, Angel's possessiveness and protectiveness had rubbed off on me too.

Looking still a little uncomfortable, Giles shook his head. "I can assure you that he really is working for us." There was a hint of annoyance in his voice. "There's a detailed report of our every mission. Surely we would have been able to detect any sign of treachery in his actions."

There was that 'we' again.

Masterson didn't seem impressed. "Well, we haven't been able to read anything between the lines, Rupert. Your reports are so carefully written one could think you spend days polishing them. That's why the Council sent me here, to have a look at what's really going on."

So I'd been right. She was like a pop quiz. Sneaking up from behind and hitting you in the head with dozens of questions you didn't have the answer to. Devious.

"The Council has the right to do that, of course." Giles nodded.

"Of course." The other Watcher agreed, her voice just a few degrees above freezing.

"Shall we continue, then?"

"Just a moment." Pulling a beautiful silver cross from under her shirt, so that it was now resting on top of her blouse, Masterson glanced at Angel. "One can never be too sure while dealing with vampires."

I'd had enough. "Hey, lady. You've already spent some time alone with a vampire tonight. If either Angel or I were interested in human blood, you'd already be dead."

Another shocked silence.

My gaze was locked onto the other Watcher's. Her pupils were dilated, as she stared right into my eyes. I could clearly hear her elevated heartbeat. It was pounding in my ears. Fearing that she'd have a stroke, I didn't move or say anything. It would have been very bad, if she'd died there.

After an agonizingly long silence, she sighed, "Then you must be Xander Harris."

"Yeah." So I was famous. "But like I said, you have nothing to fear from me."

She nodded absentmindedly. I wasn't sure she had even heard me, so I repeated, "I won't harm you."

"I know." Her smile was patronizing. "You're quite obviously harmless. Deluded, but harmless."

Deluded? _Me_? What was she talking about?

Masterson had turned to glare at Giles. "Rupert, I'm really disappointed in you. Confusing this poor boy's hematodiphsia for vampirism is the most amateurish mistake I've ever heard of. It's quite clear that he's not a real vampire."

"What?" I couldn't believe my ears. She thought I was some nutcase who just believed himself to be a vampire? "Hematowhatsia? I am _so_ a vampire!"

"Of course." I'd thought her tone couldn't get any more patronizing. I'd been wrong. "Why don't you show us your fangs, Xander?"

Her words made all the hair in the back of my neck stand up. I ran a hand over my face, groaning, "Yeah, just wait until I get them outta my pocket."

My whisper, that had been too quiet for a mortal ear, made Angel snort with laughter. Everyone turned to stare at him, and he just shook his head and waved his hand dismissively. I noticed that Oz was looking at me a bit amused.

"Fine. You want to see my fangs? You got it." I took a deep breath, anticipating the familiar shift on my face. There was a slight twitch of muscles, but not the right ones. The corners of my mouth were tugging upwards. When I tried to wipe the smile off my face, it just got worse.

Noticing that everyone's eyes were on me, I groaned, "I can't do this while you're all staring at me."

"Of course." Masterson sat back on her chair. "I think this..."

"Relax." Angel's voice cut through hers. "Concentrate on it. Let it just happen, don't force it."

It sounded good, but I still wasn't comfortable on doing it. "Okay, as long as no one does anything stupid once I prove I'm a vampire!" I was certain that Masterson had all the necessary equipment to slay a vampire in her bag. I didn't want to end up as a little pile of dust on the table.

Giles nodded, glancing at his colleague. "Don't worry, Xander."

"If you want to, we'll do it together."

I smiled at Angel's soft words, noticing that I was the only one who'd heard. Nodding, I whispered back, "One, two..."

It wasn't all that hard after all. I kept my eyes on my lover for the first nano seconds of our transformation, but then I couldn't resist the temptation of seeing Gemma Masterson's expression, and shifted my gaze into her face. Her shocked expression was very gratifying.

Raising my eyebrow, I deepened my smile, so she could have a better view of my fangs. "Real enough for you, or do you need more proof?"

"Holy Mary, mother of God..." She whispered, clutching to the cross she was wearing. Her chair clattered as it fell on its back when she jumped to her feet. Turning to move away from me, she faced Angel. The sight of another vampire made her whimper.

Buffy had also gotten up, and now she was walking between the Watcher and Angel. She put her hand on his shoulder. "You have no reason to be afraid, Ms. Masterson. I trust both these guys with my life." She moved a bit closer to him, baring her neck for him to see.

I was feeling a bit jealous, but the sound of an elevated heartbeat told me that I wasn't the only one. Poor Giles. The thought made me blink, and I almost bit my lip. What the hell was I thinking of? Poor Giles? When had 'eww' turned into that?

Angel's gaze lingered on Buffy's neck for about a second, before turning to meet mine. The slight wink made me feel definitely better. Then he glanced at Masterson. "I've already eaten, thank you very much."

She didn't find his comment amusing. "If you're threatening the Slayer..."

It was hard to say whose groan sounded most annoyed. We all rolled our eyes, but Buffy was the only one who spoke up. "That's just the point, Ms. Masterson. These two guys are my friends. I trust them with my life. Both of them."

Her words made the Watcher raise her eyebrows. "Indeed? From what I've read, your trust is misplaced, though. Need I remind you of all the deaths your _friend_ here caused a year ago?" She pointed at Angel, who flinched a little.

"None of us needs a reminder of that, Gemma." Giles' voice was quiet but firm. There was a distant look in his eyes. Nope. He definitely didn't need to be reminded about Angelus. "We all know what happened. We also know what he's now, and I believe I can speak for all of us when I say that we do indeed trust him."

I saw Angel's calm expression slip for a moment, and there was a mixture of regret and gratitude on his face. Then there was the calm mask plastered on his face, more firmly than usual. I swallowed, knowing that no matter how many times he'd told himself that he was different from Angelus, he'd never forgiven himself for the things he'd done. Giles' words had really shaken him.

It didn't matter that Giles had been a pain in the butt recently. Not after those words that seemed to mean the world to Angel.

Willow was nodding, Oz imitating her gesture.

"You're biased, Rupert." Masterson quipped, sounding idiotic, considering just exactly whom she was talking to. I still remember the way I'd dragged Giles out of the mansion after Angelus had tormented him, and if he could forgive Angel his demonic side's activities, that was a miracle.

The others seemed to share my opinion.

After an uncomfortable silence, Giles cleared his throat. "So, why are you here?" He didn't sound all that enthusiastic about getting an answer.

Masteron lifted his bag up and opened it. I tensed, wondering if there'd be a stake appearing in her hand next. There wasn't. Instead, she pulled out an official -looking paper and handed it to Giles.

The Watcher adjusted his glasses and then read the document. When he was about half way through, his face went beet red. A second later he could have imitated a vampire with his white pallor. "I cannot believe this!"

"What is it?" Buffy sounded worried as she stepped closer to him. "Giles? What's wrong?"

It took a moment for him to find his voice. "It seems she's been sent here to observe my working methods. If there are any irregularities in them, she will report them to the Council, which will then..." His hands tensed as if he wanted to shred the whole paper. "Which will then decide whether I'm still suited to continue as your Watcher or if I should return to the headquarters to continue as an archivist."

Everyone stared at Giles. I for one couldn't believe what I was hearing. Firing Giles? Why? Just because he'd been using common sense in his work, and had allowed Buffy to befriend us? Or was it because of Angel and me?

Masterson nodded, ignoring everyone's horrified expressions. "That is correct." Still holding her bag in her lap, she looked down there, but obviously decided against taking out whatever she'd looked at. "There are also other things we need to discuss in private, so..." The look she threw at us was pretty clear.

None of us moved. No way!

Giles sighed, rubbing his forehead. "It's all right. You should all go home. We can do research tomorrow."

He sounded so stunned, I thought better not to argue with the poor guy. The others seemed to share my opinion, and we all got up, Willow and Oz already moving slowly towards the door.

Buffy was still standing next to the table, his expression full of suspicion. She stared at Masterson, who looked at her papers, clearly not wanting to argue with the prophecy girl there. Giles seemed worried. It wouldn't look all that good if the Slayer did something nasty --like some Slayage-- to his colleague.

In the end she didn't even say anything. Instead, she walked to Giles, giving him a tight little smile and squeezed his shoulder before joining us on our way home.

Outside in the corridor none of us said a word. Willow was holding Oz's hand, worrying her lower lip. Angel had his hands in his pockets, looking definitely broody. And Buffy... She looked like she wanted to punch a fist right through the wall.

"You okay?" Will was the only one with the courage actually say something to our resident Slayer.

"No. This is the most not okay I've been for a long, long time." Buffy's voice was freezing. "And I think I'll take a detour through a few cemeteries on my way home." With that she turned around and marched away from us.

Since there was no demonic activity around, she'd probably be completely safe. I glanced at Angel, but he kept his gaze on the ground. Okay, so now he was sulking so hard he didn't even pay attention to her. Bad sign. Very bad.

Willow sighed, throwing a sad look at me. Then she stepped closer to Oz and whispered at him. The wolfboy nodded, and then they turned to head towards Oz's van.

Leaving me and Angel standing there.

Okay, so living at the Hellmouth wasn't all that great most of the time, but this wasn't just not great. It felt like I was watching things slide to hell slowly, but inevitably.

"We should go home." I almost couldn't recognize my own voice. My throat hurt, and I knew exactly how badly Buffy had wanted to punch something. I felt the same.

Angel said nothing. He just started walking.

I spent the whole way home wondering why had Masterson's words been so shocking. After all, being a member of a vampire Slaying team --sounded better than 'Buffy's little helpers'-- meant that uncertainties were a certainty. I mean, look at me! Not exactly the most alive guy around here.

This was different. Giles was... He was _Giles_! The only adult who knew exactly what we were doing. And okay, sometimes the whole responsible -routine and the questions and the looking over the rim of his glasses and clearing his throat really pissed me off, at least lately, but he was still... You know. He was one of us.

I wondered what Angel was thinking. Couldn't have been easy for him, Masterson tearing open old wounds and merrily pouring salt into them. Stupid woman!

If I didn't watch it, I'd soon be walking with my face frightening all those who might be still out.

We'd been through so much after the whole thing with Angelus. Lots of bruises and concussions and broken ribs, yes, but also all those things that made life worth living for. Or in our case existing for. I bet Angel wasn't thinking about those moments, though. Not by judging the haunted look on his face.

Damn it. Sure, I had the same images inside my head. Death and chaos. And so much more. Giles standing by Miss Calendar's grave with a lost look on his face. Willow lying all too still under the fallen bookshelf. Buffy fighting the demon while I could barely stop myself from throwing up as I saw all the cuts on Giles. And all that blood.

We'd been so lucky to stay alive then, and we hadn't lost anyone after that, either. Not counting myself here, and I wasn't exactly lost. But now we had the chance of losing Giles, forever. Not to death, but to a bunch of tweed wearing scholar -people. We'd continue the good fight and he'd be...

I flinched a little guiltily as the thought of him at least being safe flashed through my head as I opened the door, sneaking inside before Angel.

There was an uncomfortable silence between the two of us. God I hated those. Especially now when the silence was so full of all sorts of emotions, good and bad.

"I think I need something to eat." Angel didn't move towards the kitchen, though. It was like he'd just had to say something to end the silence. That was good.

Touching his arm, I sighed, "Okay, so what is it? Talk to me, please." That could be taken in any way he wanted to.

"We can't let the Watchers fire Giles. We _can't._ They'll force him to go back to England, and that's unacceptable!" Apparently he wanted to let it all out. His face twitched a little, as he continued, "It'll break him. And destroy Buffy."

There were things I didn't want to talk about. Things I didn't even want to think about. But right that moment I had to ask him one thing, even though I already knew the answer. And I knew it would hurt us both. "Why is it so important for you to see those two together? Wouldn't it be easier to let him return to England?"

"Maybe." Angel walked a few steps away from me, keeping his eyes at the window. "But easier for whom? He would be away from the person he loves, knowing that she might die and he wouldn't be there to help her. That would make him die inside. And she would be left alone."

"It's not your business to…"

He turned to me, his face twisted in agony. "You think so? That it's not my responsibility? Tell me, Xander, if it's not mine, then whose is it? I made damn sure he couldn't have the woman he loved second most in the world by chasing after her and then snapping her neck like a twig! You tell me it's not my fault!"

I couldn't. "You're right. You were a monster. But you're not that monster anymore!"

"Don't…" The grimace didn't turn into his game face. Instead he turned his back on me again, his shoulders shaking a little.

"You're a good man, Angel." I whispered, and then winced as I saw him shake his head. "You are."

He leaned his head against the window, shaking even harder now. "You have no idea of what you're talking about. You have no idea…"

Didn't I? I'd hated him for a long time before realizing just exactly it was I felt for him. He'd been the center of my being for so long time, I couldn't even remember the time I didn't love him. I'd heard of his past, seen him laugh as he tried to destroy us all. I'd hated him, and I'd loved him. But it had always been about Angel. He was the one I'd been in love with.

I'd told Angelus that I'd watch him die, and even though I hadn't been there, he _had_ died. The demon was gone. Buried so deep inside him, it could never get out anymore. I had to believe that, otherwise I couldn't be with him. Or exist myself. You know, somewhere inside me there was one of those bloodthirsty fiends, too.

"I know who and what you are, Angel. Without your soul, you weren't you. You were it. The demon, whatever. But you're you again."

My admittedly confusing words made him sniffle, and then his trembling ended gradually. When he turned back to me, I went to his embrace, glad that something I'd said had made him feel a little better.

No comfort sex that morning. We just held each other, muttering endearments. I loved every second of it, wishing we could spend days doing it. Maybe when Masterson left and the school officially ended, we could have a little holiday together. Just Angel and me.

One of my better ideas, I was sure.

* * *

It was the first time I hurried to school without feeling annoyed. Well, at least after my death. But then again, I'd been either annoyed or disgusted with school ever since I was six, so can't say anything for sure.

Anyway, I didn't even whine the next morning when I got up, dressed, had some breakfast and then smoochies with Angel at the front door. No whining, no stalling, no sulking. I was pretty proud of myself, actually. This time going to be analyzed by Mr. Know It All Watcher had a higher purpose, keeping us all happy.

I walked through the streets, trying to get to school as quickly as possible. The others had probably already talked about last night, and I really wanted to know everything that had happened since we left the library.

The whole place was quiet. I saw a familiar cleaning lady mop the corridor near the cafeteria and nodded at her as I passed. She nodded right back. I bet she was used to my presence by now.

Sniffing the air, I couldn't really smell anything for a few seconds. Well, only the chlorine she used for her cleaning. Then I smelled Giles. Only him.

And he didn't smell right.

Whoa! That was a pretty disturbing thought! But there was a way people smelled, and Giles wasn't smelling the way he usually did. Sure, there were all those outer scents he carried with him, but basically, the guy smelled like... Fear.

I sneaked closer to the library doors, wondering if there was some undead nonsmelly creature there with him.

Nope. After peeking inside, I pushed the door open and walked to Giles. He was sitting alone by the table, staring at the wooden furniture. The fact that he wasn't even hiding his moody staring with a book made me nervous.

"G-man!" My cheery greeting didn't even make him scowl at me. "How's it hanging?"

Intentional annoying never worked with this guy. "Evening, Xander." He sounded tired. "Nice to see you."

Nice to see me? Okay. I was pretty sure there was something _really_ strange going on here. Giles didn't say it was nice to see me. He just started interrogating. Or then he'd look annoyed. Or amused.

"Um... So, is everything alright?" I'd aimed for flippant, but the tone of my voice was far from that.

"Of course not!" Removing his glasses, he rubbed his forehead. "I... I apologize."

Yes, my mouth fell open. No, I couldn't think of anything intelligent to say to that.

"You must be wondering what happened today." And now he was a mind reader, too. "Long story short. Gemma will stay here and observe me. Us. Then she will report on the Council, and that's that."

Huh? I'd never heard him so... defeated before. Not even when Buffster ran away a year ago. This was bad. Really bad. Giles didn't give up. He was supposed to be the annoying Watcher-guy here. Fight to the end and stuff like that.

Except that he didn't look like he had the strength to do any fighting. Or even writing. His little notebook was on the table, but he didn't make a move to open it.

"Hey, I thought you wanted to ask more questions."

"I'm afraid that would serve no purpose now." He sighed a little. "After her report, I'll probably be removed from the Watchers, and all my work will be archived to the 'rubbish' -section."

That was so unfair! He'd spent all his life in a damned library, studying old, moldy books so he could help the Slayer, and now his whole life's work would be lost just because Angel and I dared to have our souls. I grabbed the notebook and browsed through it until I found an empty page. Then I shoved the book in front of him. "Write!"

Shaking his head, he still didn't move his hand towards the pencil. "What's the use?"

"Documenting this is the only way to prove to the other Watchers that you're right! Do you really want to leave all this behind without a fight? Let someone else guide Buffy? Someone we don't really know and trust?"

It seemed I'd hit the nerve. He blushed slightly, and then his hand crept slowly towards the notebook. Keeping his eyes on the blank page, he cleared his throat. "Hmmm. So, blood. Does it taste different now that you're a vampire?" His question started out a little forced, but in the end he even sounded like he cared about my answer.

Okay. This could work.

So where were we? Blood?

Well, considering the fact that I'd never actually eaten a vast quantity of it while I was still alive, it wasn't all that simple question. I tried to answer it without the usual sarcasm, though. "You know, how blood has this metallic taste?" That was a fairly neutral way to start the explanation. Every person in the world has tasted that, even if only after a vigorous run.

Giles nodded.

"It's nothing like that. The taste is almost impossible to describe. It's sweet, but it's kind of bitter too." I thought about that rather confusing statement, and then sighed. "That didn't come out right. In a way, blood has no taste, but it still tastes like everything. There's something in me that craves it, and once I get it, it's happy."

"You mean the demon?"

I shook my head, frowning a little. "Not exactly. Or maybe... No. I'm quite sure that it's something else. It's not conscious. It just... _is_." The blank look on his face told me that he had no idea of what I was talking about, and I sighed. How could he understand it, when _I_ didn't have a clue of what I meant either?

Giles scribbled down something, and then raised his eyes to mine again. "And you can smell blood from a distance?"

His words made me squirm. This wasn't exactly something I wanted to talk about. "Yes."

Of course he noticed my discomfort. "Xander? If you really want this to make a difference, you can't hold anything back. What is it?"

"You don't really wanna know. Trust me on this one, Giles."

"I do want to know. This isn't just about me. It's about Buffy, too, and..."

I raised my hands in surrender. "Okay, okay! Geez, Giles. I can smell it every time someone bleeds close to me. Do you have _any_ idea of how embarrassing that is?"

The eyes behind the glasses blinked twice. Then Giles removed the glasses and absentmindedly began to clean them with a handkerchief. "I'm not completely certain I understand what you're saying." The blush on his face indicated that he'd gotten it right, though.

"Yeah, you do. It's a nightmare. I have no idea how Angel's gotten used to it. It's a detail I don't really wanna know about my friends. Willow and Buffy and... Brr... Not that the smell is really all that tempting, considering... Well, you know." I shivered, somehow managing to suppress a full body shudder. "This ain't really a guy thing, Giles. Let's just drop the whole subject, okay?"

He nodded. "I think that's a good idea. We shouldn't probably mention about this to the girls." He didn't make a move to grab his pen again, so I guessed that _this_ little detail wouldn't end up in the journals, either.

"It's a deal. So, any other questions?"

"There's one thing I've always wondered. Would..."

I turned to look at the door a fraction of a second before it banged open.

"Working late again?"

Giles smiled at Buffy, and stammered, "Y...yes. We're trying to finish my report, so that the Council can review it. Maybe they'll let me continue my work with you if they have all the facts of the recent events." The words were light, but his expression wasn't all that convincing.

It was interesting to see how Buffy stepped closer to her Watcher and put her hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry, Giles. No Council of stiff bookworms is going to take away my Watcher."

"Bookworms?" Even I could hear that he wasn't all that upset about that statement. "Buffy..."

She grinned at him. "Gotcha." Patting his arm, she continued, "I'm not here to cause a scene. Why bother when she's not here to appreciate it, which is really inconsiderate of her by the way. I just wanted to see if you're okay."

There was something in Buffy's voice that made me smile. I wasn't all that sure what it was, but I decided that it was time for me to continue thinking about it at home. "Hey, guys? If you don't need me anymore, I should get home. I promised Angel I wouldn't spend the whole night out." It was cruel of me, but I had to mention him. I wanted to know how Buffy would react.

"Well, I'm off to do some patrolling." She didn't even flinch. Nothing I could smell or hear in her heartbeat indicated that she was upset about what I'd just said. "Wanna join me?"

Since she was obviously not talking to me, I turned to watch what Giles would say.

"On a patrol?" He sounded like she was handing him heaven on a plate. Poor guy.

Buffy nodded vigorously. "It'll be like Watcher/Slayer bonding night. You know, to show Masterson that I still need your 'guidance'."

I bit my lip so hard I almost made it bleed. Since I didn't want to start laughing right in front of the two, I wished them a good time --this time managing to bite through the lip-- and then hurried out. It was good that there was no one outside the school. I could sit on the ground and giggle without an audience.

Unbelievable! After all those hours my shocked mind had repeated 'Buffy and Giles???' I was now thinking that those two were so cute together.

Well, you know. As long as it had been 'Giles has a crush on Buffy', it had been in the icky category. But now it kinda looked like it wasn't completely one sided. I had no idea why I thought so. It had just seemed so when I'd watched those two. Grinning and smiling and _touching_. Yep.

My mind was conjuring yet another scene. Buffy and Giles happily together would mean that Angel could stop worrying that he'd somehow ruined both their lives. And that would make me happy.

Call me Mr. Shallow. Go ahead, I know you want to. But I really wanted to make Angel happy.

I hummed a soft tune while I got up and headed home.

The house was empty when I got there. Angel had left a note on the fridge door, saying he was running an errand and would be back before sunrise. I smiled at that. Small things like these made it feel like a home, and us a family. A real family where people cared about each other.

Well, since there was nothing good on TV, and I had no one to talk to --didn't want to call Willow, mainly 'cause I wasn't sure if she knew about Giles' feelings and didn't want to shock her-- I did some cleaning and put clothes in the washer.

I noticed I was humming again. If I hadn't been so happy, that would have annoyed me.

When I heard the key turn in the lock, I practically flew to meet Angel. He stumbled a little as I jumped on him.

"Xander! Xander, wait. There's fragile stuff in the bag!" He placed the bag on the ground, and only then hugged me back.

Hugging was nice. Kissing was better. I felt like celebrating, for some reason. "Angel! Welcome home!"

"You're in a good mood!" There was definitely a grin on Angel's face. I could hear it in his voice. "Is there a reason for all of this or are you just happy to see me?"

I snuggled closer to him. "Buffy came to the library tonight when I was talking with Giles."

"What happened?"

"Nothing special. She said she just wanted to see if he was okay." There was laughter in my voice, too, even though I tried to keep calm. "You should have seen the way she looked at him. It's definitely something. She might not know it yet, but she's got it bad!"

He sighed. "I think that's the problem. They are afraid of even admitting to themselves that it's love. At this rate, they will never be together."

Oh, poop! I hadn't thought about that. But hey, things weren't all bad yet. "Maybe we should help them see it."

"And just how do you propose we do that, my little Cupid?" Angel teased.

I didn't let his tone of voice get to me. "We could invite them here for the weekend. Just like when we were waiting for the Equinox, remember. We put them in the guest bedroom, and let them work it out from there. It worked with us. It was pure torture to sleep next to you."

"Really?" Now the teasing tone was gone, replaced by something definitely more throaty. "You mean that you lusted after my body so you could hardly sleep?"

"Why do you think I kept showering all the time? I didn't exactly use all your warm water, you know." I let that sink in, not offering any other explanation. Apparently none was needed. A few minutes later I wasn't thinking about Buffy and Giles anymore. Actually I wasn't thinking about anything, really.

That day, when Angel was lying behind me, his arm across my chest and his face buried into my hair, I lay awake for some time, thinking about the situation with the Watchers. It was quite clear that Buffy needed Giles. The Slayer needed her Watcher, too, but that was different. The more and more I thought about it, I came to the conclusion that something had to be done to make those two get together. I'd just have to figure out what.

* * *

A crisis rarely comes alone.

That was a truism here in Sunnydale. Usually the world was ending, being filled with demons or sucked into hell while we were worrying about important stuff like who was seeing whom.

At least this time the world was doing just fine. Kept turning around as it had for billions of years. Our personal lives however...

Masterson spent her days at the library, reading through all the journals Giles had filled these last three years. I for one was not surprised of the volume of his work. Over a dozen diaries filled with that tidy little writing. Whatever else Giles was, he sure was thorough.

Her presence made everyone tense. Willow was worrying, and that of course made Oz worry, too. Buffy was showing some signs of an early schizophrenia. One moment she was seething with anger, the next she was almost clinging to Giles. And Giles himself... He'd gotten really quiet. I saw that desperate look on his face sometimes when he thought nobody was watching. That look that told everyone that he was trying to memorize everything about this happy moment because it could very well be the last one.

I was still trying to think about getting my friends together, but it seemed like my mind was somewhere else those days. The atmosphere was gloomy, and I was right there, in the complete kingdom of gloominess. Hell, I was the king himself.

Did I mention that Angel and I weren't talking to each other?

Well, we weren't. And it was all his fault!

After I'd gotten used to the idea of Giles loving Buffy, I'd spent a few nights patrolling with her. Even with the nonexistent creep activity, she still had to do her rounds every night, if only to soothe her Slayer instincts. So I went with her. Both because Giles was stuck in the library, and because I wanted to show Masterson I was no threat. Buffy agreed with me.

She wasn't all that happy when Angel wanted to join us, but she did allow him to come, too. It was okay with me. We were a really good team, my lover and I.

Until we dropped by at Bronze to check out if the place was safe.

I was looking around downstairs near the dancefloor while Buffy went upstairs. The loud music and the smells weren't bothering me much, and Angel had slipped out for a second to see if the back alley was unoccupied by demons. Funny how it only took one second to change everything.

"Hi, Xander."

Knowing what I'd see when I turned around, I swallowed. "Hi, Cordelia."

We stared at each other for a while. At least I didn't know what to say to her. Not after months of not seeing her. Or telling her about the change in my life. Correction, the end of my life.

Still wondering if I should tell her something about what had happened, I was shocked when she gave me a once over and then shrugged. "At least being a vampire suits you."

Well, being a vampire sure as hell didn't stop me from dropping my jaw somewhere around my knees. How the hell did she know that? "A... A what?"

"Please, Xander. Don't insult my intelligence." Brown eyes glittered with laughter. Funny how I'd missed that expression. After we'd broken up, she'd usually looked me with disgust. "You don't hang out during the day, and the only explanation people have for that is Xenoderma Pigmentosum? Which just happens to be a genetic decease. One that should have made you sick when you were a baby. Hello?"

I should have remembered how quickly she could put things together. Added with her formidable knowledge of trendy and less than trendy diseases, she was bound to get it right. "Sorry. Didn't mean to act like a..."

"... like a guy? It's okay." She flashed out a smile.

She surely hadn't changed. And yet she had. I didn't have any claw marks on my face yet.

Looking around her, Cordelia sighed. "It's not going to be all that easy to leave this behind after all." She shrugged. "I know it'll be great in LA. Still..." She sighed again. "I think I'll miss Sunnydale. A little."

She was leaving? Of course she'd talked about leaving sometimes, but I'd always thought it was just talk. "I'll miss you." Well that certainly was a surprise. Even more so, when I realized I really meant it.

"I know." Cordy grinned at me.

At least she hadn't changed all _that_ much.

It was weird to stand there with her. Kinda bittersweet. After all, I did care for her on some level, and we'd had some fun. She'd been bitchy after we broke up, but I couldn't really blame her for that because the breakup was so totally my fault. We'd gotten over that. It had taken some time, but we'd reached a state of non-hostility.

And now she was moving out of the town, and I was staying here. She was just going on with her life, and I was standing still with my undead existence. Ironic.

I bet she thought so, too.

We exchanged a few more words, and then I wished her a safe trip to LA. She smiled at me again, and then did something that probably surprised her as much as it surprised me. She hugged me. And I hugged her right back.

Her eyes were glistening as she let go. Apparently she didn't feel like talking, and just nodded towards the door. I turned to see Angel standing there.

"Bye, Cordy," I manage to choke that out, and then walked away.

No matter how soul owning vampire gay I was, I didn't want to start bawling in the middle of Bronze.

Angel held the door open, so I could slip out. Buffy was already out and we continued the patrol.

I was lost in thoughts. Everything was changing. Cordy was leaving, Willow and Buffy would go to College. I would continue learning about being a vampire. It was stupid, but a part of me wished we could have stayed teenagers forever in the non-undead way, enjoying High School. Changes could be scary, you know.

I could sulk with the best of them!

After a while, I tried to brush off my gloomy thoughts, though. Even though it was unlikely that there'd be any monsters hiding in the shadows, it was unfair to my lover that I was brooding.

It just happened that he seemed to be enjoying a private brood himself, too. Hands in his pockets, Angel walked straight ahead, all the while throwing worried looks at me.

Okay. So I'd missed something. What else's new?

Well, the fact that when I asked Angel about what was bothering him, all I got was a grunt. A goddamned grunt! I thought he wanted to sort it out by himself, and let him continue his brooding in peace.

Wrong decision. But how should I have known that? He did get lost in thoughts every now and then. Wasn't a big deal. Except that apparently this time it was.

Buffy didn't seem to pay any attention to Angel's behavior. I guess she had things on her mind, too. It wasn't exactly fun to tag along those two when they were in the silent mode, but I managed. Barely.

We dropped Buffster off at the library and then continued on our way. On our very silent and depressing way.

Angel didn't say anything when we got home. Didn't say anything when we ate. Not a sound when he went to take a shower.

When I'd taken my turn in the shower, he was already in bed, wrapped in his blanket like it was a shield against something.

"Angel?" I asked with a small voice, planting my hand on his shoulder. "Are you okay?"

He actually _flinched_! "I'm just tired, Xander. We can talk in the morning." He seemed to inch away from me, and then fell silent. Not wishing good night, not saying he loved me.

I was confused. What the hell had happened? Did I say something wrong? Or did I do something he didn't like? Or was I just being an idiot and it had nothing to do with me? I had no idea.

Hoping it would be cleared in the morning, I lay down, casting worried looks at Angel's back, and tried to get some sleep.

It was worse the next evening.

He was still brooding. I was offended by his silence and didn't say anything to him. The fact that he didn't seem to notice I was giving him the cold shoulder certainly didn't improve the matter.

So when he finally snapped out of his blue funk, I wasn't talking to him. I had the right to remain silent and do some brooding of my own. Angel gave me space to do that, although all I really wanted was for him to ask me what was wrong.

After two days of silence, I didn't know how to stop it. And it looked like he didn't really care whether we talked or not. Or touched.

Our first really big crisis, and we weren't handling it at all.

The worst of it was that I couldn't talk with anyone about it. Willow was always there for me, but somehow I couldn't go to her. Maybe because I knew she'd worry, and make things tense when we were in the library together. That would make Masterson suspicious.

I couldn't do that. Showing her that our little team of vampires who slayed vampires was having a major break down --but hopefully not a break up-- would have really made her day.

So when we were with others, I tried to act just the way I usually did. Making stupid jokes that didn't even amuse me. Spending a lot of time with my nose buried in a book. Getting stuff from the vending machine. And when we went home, I didn't say a thing to Angel. There was so much that needed to be said, but I had no idea of how to say it. And he wasn't helping. There was a gloomy expression plastered on his face.

It had gotten to the point where going to the library was beginning to sound like the best part of the day.

I was getting a little worried a few days later, when Masterson reached the final journal. Giles tried to have a studying session with me, but was too nervous to really accomplish anything. I didn't really mind. Wasn't in a mood to do any soul searching myself.

Especially, since the said soul was full of doubts and fear.

The atmosphere in the library was tense. Yeah, nothing new. Willow was arranging books on the shelves, probably wishing she'd gone to Bronze to listen to the Dingoes' gig. Masterson was sitting at the table, browsing through Giles' most recent journal. Angel was standing by the counter with a sad expression on his face. Nothing new there either.

The only one who seemed to be alert to everything that was going on was Buffy. She was sitting on the floor next to the cage, an impressive amount of weaponry in front of her. She was polishing and cleaning and sharpening them, her gaze locked on Masterson most of the time.

It was really creepy to watch her stare at the Watcher while sharpening a big sword. Threatening. I guess that was why she was doing it.

When Giles abandoned the attempt to get some work done, I paced around for a while, and then hid at the back of the room. Pretending to help Willow with the books. Even if we didn't talk all that much, her presence comforted me.

I wasn't brooding. Nope. Not a bit. And I was definitely not sulking. Or worrying. So, maybe I was trying to think about the thing with Angel and me, all the time trying _not_ to think about it. But that was far from brooding. I refuse to call it that.

"Xander?"

I blinked, turning to look at Wills. She was standing there with a book in her hand. "What is it?"

"Nothing big." She flashed out a grin. "Just talking. You do remember talking, don't you? Friends chatting together about stuff."

Her words made me smile, but I couldn't help feeling a little guilty. Death had been a bit hectic lately, and I hadn't had the chance to talk with Willow. Before that, she'd spent her days studying for finals. I'd been spending every waking moment with either Giles or Angel.

"I seem to remember something like that." At least now we could talk. Geez, there was something good in the silence between me and my lover. Not all that comforting.

Willow grinned. "So, how's it been lately?"

Even though I couldn't really lie to Angel convincingly, I was pretty good with doing so to others, and she didn't seem to notice anything wrong with my rambling. Yeah. Everything was cool.

She didn't need to worry about my miserable existence. After finishing telling her about my wonderful unlife, I asked her about her life.

"The Dingoes are going on tour for the summer. Oz asked me to go with them." She blushed a little. "I said yes."

Way to go! "That's the best way to keep the groupies away." I ignored her glare. It would really do Wills some good to spend some time away from the slayage. Not to mention the fact that she deserved some quality time alone with the wolfboy. "You'll be coming back when the summer's over, right?"

She nodded. "Yeah. Way before the school starts again." The prospect of continuing studying made her glow. She's the only person I know who truly loves school.

"It's really strange to think you'll be a College freshman next year." It was, even though I'd always known she'd never even think of getting a job after High School. "But we'll see each other at Giles' right?"

"You're not planning on going to College then? You know, arrange something." Willow sounded a little disappointed.

I shook my head. "Nope. I think I can learn all the necessary stuff on my own. Or Angel can help me." I was really proud of the way my voice remained calm on the last sentence. I was so freaking tired of hiding my hurt from everyone, but I couldn't let it surface now. No more fuel for the Watchers' suspicion.

"I..." She was showing me those puppy dog eyes again. "I just always thought we'd go on staying friends even when we went to College."

At that point I didn't really care what people would think. I hugged her against my chest, and ruffled her hair. "Come on, Will. Even if I stay home and become a housewife, we'll still be friends." Feeling her chuckle I added, "And you'll go to College, and then to the U and get your diploma. I have all the faith in American educational system. Even though I didn't survive High School."

That last part made her laugh out loud, and I knew we'd get through this 'getting independent and mature' phase.

Still smiling, she looked up at me. "It's so good to see you being yourself. I mean, you've been acting funny lately. Is everything okay?"

I couldn't tell her. I didn't even know myself. So I tried the thing I knew best. "Of course. I'm just in a grave mood tonight. Don't know why since I don't really have a grave..."

"Why do you always have to talk like that?" Willow sounded really sad.

That was the one thing I didn't want her to feel. And definitely not because of me. "Like what?"

"Listen to yourself, Xander! Dead right? Me and my undead life-thingy? We already know you're not really alive anymore. Why do you have to make such a joke about it?"

Oh, no! The wobbly lower lip! I could never resist it. "It's not a big thing, Willow." Nope, that didn't work. Still wobbling. "You know me, always making jokes and stuff."

She nodded, but it wasn't really like she was agreeing with me. "Yeah, but it's not funny. You're hurting yourself with those things. Admit it or not."

Well... Not. Definitely not. "You've got it all wrong. I'm not making myself feel bad! Honestly."

"Xander. You've been..." I could see her struggle with the word. In the end she went with the easier one. "You've been a vampire for two months. You can't say that the fact that you're..." After a swallow she actually managed to say it out loud. "... dead doesn't bother you at all.

I looked down at my feet, and shook my head. "Yes I can. It really doesn't bother me." That was even true.

"Why?" Willow's question was almost like a wail.

"It's just that I always thought that..." I closed my mouth. Now that I was going to say it out loud, it suddenly felt really stupid. I had to look up at Willow at that point to see her expression.

She didn't say anything. Just nodded at me, looking encouraging.

Sighing, I continued. "Ever since I started helping Buffy and found out that all the monsters are really real, I've had this feeling that I wouldn't live to see my big 2-0. Somehow I got used to the idea, and now I suddenly have the chance to live forever. It's just easier to think that I'm dead, than to plan on all the centuries I have left."

Willow looked stunned, not knowing what to say.

She didn't have to say anything, for there was someone else talking now. "I know the feeling."

I looked around to see Angel standing in the shadows. He was leaning against a bookshelf, looking a little unsure of himself.

It had been days since I'd seen him look so open. So honest. I could see sorrow in his eyes, just like it had been there in his voice a second earlier. Yeah. He had to know it.

He also had to know how much the world could change in a hundred years. I hadn't been all that attentive --or awake-- in most of my history classes, but even I knew how much the world had changed this century. It boggled the mind. I hadn't lied to Willow. I'd always thought I'd end up having a nice funeral right after someone with pointy teeth or slimy scaled hands finally managed to bite or squeeze all life out of me. Yet, I was still here, no matter how dead.

I stared at my lover, my brain finally working. Overtime, it seemed, since I didn't even have a second's hesitation as I nodded.

"But running away from it won't help." Angel continued quietly. "This is a part of you now."

That was so true. But there was just one thing he hadn't gotten yet. Before I could think, I was walking to him. "Yeah. I just don't see the point in brooding about what I'm gonna do in a hundred years. I already know the most important thing, anyway."

"Which is?"

I touched his cheek. "That I'm gonna be with you."

Angel's eyes dilated slightly. "Xander?"

"You've been such an ass these past days!" I growled. This was it. No more silence, damn it! "And so have I. But I don't think anything's really changed. I still love you and... You love me!"

"Until the day I'm dusted." His voice trembled a little.

I swallowed. Yeah. "Angel. We need to talk." I didn't know what had gone wrong, but after his words, I didn't think it would be all that bad.

"Yeah. Let's go home." Holding out his hand, Angel waited until I grabbed it, and then started to walk out of the library.

Willow winked at me when I shot a glance at her. Apparently she _had_ noticed that there was something wrong, and was now relieved. The others looked a bit stunned as we stormed out, but no one came after us to ask questions. Good. I wasn't in the mood for that anyway.

I'd thought Angel would wait until we got home, but he started talking the second we got out. "I started the silence, and I'm sorry for that. I truly am."

"We're talking now. That's all that matters."

Sad brown gaze met mine. "You might not think..." He shook his head. "I didn't mean that either."

Uh oh. The silence was back.

"Angel? Could we just agree that we'll talk the minute we get home? I don't really think I can do this just now. I mean, it's gonna be serious, and all I feel like is babbling. Okay?" If he insisted on us doing this now, I'd be lost under a tidal wave of really meaningless words.

Thank god the only answer I got was a curt nod.

This time there was a soothing undercurrent in the silence. Almost like it used to be between the two of us. Peaceful silence. Friendly.

I enjoyed it, but I knew it wouldn't last. And that it really _shouldn't_ last. Yeah, I knew now that I should have yelled at Angel in the first place instead of shutting my mouth.

In the end, I didn't have to yell, though.

We continued the silence until we were sitting comfortably on the living room couch. Both curled into opposite corners. I could plainly see that my lover had no idea of how to start it, so I just asked, "Okay, so what went wrong?"

Straightforward and simple. But it worked. Angel sighed, "I... I've been thinking about what you told me. About not being with anyone before me."

"Huh?" Definitely something I hadn't thought of. Why would he start brooding about my former nonexistent sex life? "You're not making any sense here."

"I realized it when I saw you with Cordelia the other day. She was your first real girlfriend, right?" After my nod, he sighed. "That's what I thought. And that's why..."

Tapping the armrest with my fingers I waited for him to go on. When he didn't say a word, I shook my head. "That's why you what?"

Angel smiled sadly. "That's why I realized that this can't possibly last." He gestured between us.

No. No way! For fuck's sake, this was not happening! "You said it's forever!" I jumped to my feet, snarling. "You said you love me! You _swore_ that!" It was too much. I was full of rage and fear, and there were tears trying to spill out, but I couldn't allow them to fall.

"Xander... I do love you. That's not the issue here." He looked stunned. It was like my little display of emotions had finally yanked him from his private world of doubts into reality.

"Then what is it?" My face was back to normal, but I could feel the rage bubbling right below the surface.

Looking like he wasn't really all that sure how to explain it, Angel kept his eyes downcast as he muttered, "You cared for her, didn't you? And when you were together, you wanted her."

"Who? Cordy?" I laughed out loud. All this because of some stupid jealousy? "Yeah, I cared for her, and hell yes, I wanted her. I wanted most of the good looking people I saw. I'm a teenager, remember?"

The gaze was still firmly focused on the floor. "I do. That's the point. You dated a girl, and sooner or later you'll miss that."

Excuse me? I was sure I'd heard wrong. Miss that? Why would I do that? It... Oh. Did he mean I'd miss having sex with a woman? That was just dumb.

"But I've never been with a woman. How could I miss something I've never experienced?"

That didn't help. "That's just the point. You shouldn't be tied to an old guy like me, not before you've seen enough of life. Sooner or later you'll start to wonder. I've seen it before."

He'd brought up the difference in our ages just once before, and I'd thought we'd already dealt with the subject. I hated it that he mentioned it now. "Don't you dare to use my youth against me! I could as well say that you can't possibly be faithful to me 'cause you'll want eventually to be with a woman, again." I'd never thought about it that way, but now that the words had spilled out of me, I was suddenly shivering. What the hell had I been thinking of? How could he ever be satisfied with someone like me?

"That's probably the stupidest thing I've ever heard from you, Xander. Didn't that thing with the Tear of Odin make anything clear? I love you. The fact that you just happen to be the best bedpartner, man _or_ woman, I've ever had, is just a bonus."

Huh? "You mean that?" I had to make it sure he wasn't just saying it to make me feel better, even though lying wasn't really Angel's style. And he'd used the S-word with me. He never did that unless he was really serious about trying to point out I _wasn't_ stupid.

He muttered something from under his breath as he got up, before pulling me into a fierce embrace. "Yes, I mean that. The only reason I brought up this whole subject is that I..."

I waited a few seconds, but when he didn't finish his sentence, I asked, "What?" When he still didn't say anything, I squirmed away from him. "Angel? What is it?"

"I wanted you to know that no matter what, I still want to be with you." His voice was really quiet. "Even if you decide some day that you want to experiment. That won't change the way I feel about you."

It took me a moment to decide whether to laugh or cry. I did neither. After a deep breath I shook my head, and spoke very slowly, so that there would be no misunderstandings. "You really think I could fool around while you're home waiting for me? A free relationship? In case you haven't noticed, I don't _want_ a free relationship. I want a disgustingly happy relationship with you. You know, happily ever after and so on. I kinda thought that's what you wanted, too."

Angel just stared at me with a stunned expression on his face. Then he opened and closed his mouth a few times. It made me grin, but I didn't comment on his goldfish imitation. Finally he cleared his throat. "I've never wanted anything else as much as I want that."

"Good." My voice was hoarse. "'Cause that's what you'll get!"

It had been days since we'd held each other, and suddenly we couldn't get naked soon enough. Leaving bits and pieces of clothes behind, we hurried, stumbled, and finally crawled to the bedroom. It was a miracle that we eventually landed on the bed.

I wanted to kiss him and touch him all over, but it was too late for that. Wrapping my fingers around Angel's cock, I sprawled half on top of him and started to stroke him.

"God, I've missed this! Xander..." His voice died out.

My hand was moving faster now. Angel was moaning, thrashing on the bed. I loved the way he looked when I'd reduced him into a writhing pile of goo. And I loved watching my hand move up and down his shaft. Strange, how I'd shied from doing that on those first nights of our relationship. Like I'd thought it would break or something if I grabbed it. Or stared at it too long.

There were no such hesitations now. Well, actually there was one thing I still hadn't done to him. We'd done everything else --well, on this side of kinky, that is-- but I just couldn't put my mouth on him. Somehow it felt much more... I dunno, weird, than having him inside me.

I knew it couldn't be all that bad, considering how Angel seemed to love licking me, and nibbling me. And it sure felt good to be licked and nibbled. Still, I couldn't do it.

But that didn't matter right now. Because no matter what we did together, it always felt good. Sticky and hard and messy, but so damn good. I decided that saying that aloud would be a good idea, and muttered it softly.

Angel's face twitched, and then he was wearing his game face. Growling, he flung me on my back. "I want you!"

"Yes!" I whimpered, needing whatever he wanted to give me. First his hands all over me, and then his touch inside. I arched against him, wrapping my legs around his back as he entered me.

There was no pain. After that first time, there had sometimes been a little burning feeling --which never lasted for long-- but never pain.

Nope. I was _not_ feeling any pain.

This was the part that always amazed me the most. It was a bit funny to think that he was actually _inside_ of me. It wasn't funny ha-ha. I was definitely not laughing. Panting, moaning, gasping his name over and over again, yes.

"Yes! Come on, Angel! Harder!"

There was definitely a cruel streak in my lover. Instead of just slamming into me, like I begged him to, he kept moving steadily in and out. Making me insane. Maybe he wanted me to beg more. That I could do!

"Please, Angel! _Please!_ "

He didn't alter his pace, but his right hand left my hip to grab my erection into a firm, but gentle grip. That was good, too.

I melted into a puddle slowly this time, but it was just a different kinda orgasm. Angel came quietly, too. Just shuddering, and then holding me so tight my ribs would have cracked if I'd been mortal.

"Alexander?" Just a whisper against my ear.

What did I do? Yeah, I did. Spun around as fast as I could, buried my face on his chest and tried not to cry too loudly. Angel probably couldn't have heard even if I'd bawled my lungs out. I wasn't the only one shaking here.

Maybe later I could laugh about how dumb we'd both been. About our silly insecurities. Or wonder how two people could love each other, and have such fear inside them. Right then, I didn't laugh, though. I squeezed my lover as tight as I could, feeling him hold me just as tight.

Our first major crisis was finally over, and I prayed there wouldn't be a next one soon. Preferably never.

* * *

For me getting close, closer, into a closet, had never been an option. Smooching in secret was okay. Being seriously in love meant pubilicty. If I wanted to continue slaying with the others, I couldn't keep my relationship with Angel a secret from my friends. It would have been hard to do that anyway. The old boy and I weren't exactly discreet. Or quiet.

But then again, why should we be? I'd seen dozens of couples cuddling and kissing out in the park when I still could go out during the daytime. Angel and I didn't go _that_ far --well, not counting holding hands on nightly walks anyway--, but if living, straight people had the right to flaunt their love to others, why shouldn't we?

Okay, so I must admit that the idea of running around Sunnydale hand in hand every night, wearing some kinda pride -badge didn't really appeal to me. But hiding would have been even worse.

Even the thought of it reminded me of Cordy. Well, not the Cordy I know _now_. The one I'd had a crush on. She had wanted our dating to be a secret. Because of me. Because she'd been ashamed of being with me. It wasn't exactly something I liked to remember, because it hurt so damn much. To be forced to do all the smooching in the shadows --even though I'd rather liked that smooching-part-- wasn't just annoying. It was also humiliating. I wasn't someone she wanted to be seen with.

Angel had never been ashamed of me. Never. Even though he'd known the truth would hurt Buffy, he hadn't lied to her when she'd first asked about the two of us. He'd asked me to stay with him, and then he'd asked me to really stay with him. Like forever. For a guy like me, that means more than anything.

* * *

So I wasn't ashamed the next morning, when the first thing I said to Angel were those three little words. No, not 'good morning, dear', or any nonsense like that. I told him I loved him.

Did it again when we had breakfast. Thought about writing it on the wall with blood, but then thought that would be way too macabre. Decided just to say it a few times more.

Angel smiled every time, and told me the words back.

I was humming again when we got dressed.

"Straight to the library again?" Angel muttered as he buttoned up his shirt.

"Yeah." Maybe this time we'll get some work done. "I think Masterson's almost done with Giles' books."

Angel nodded. "I think so, too. And I must confess I don't have a good feeling about this." He looked grim as he said that.

I felt a shiver go down my back. He was probably right with his feelings. Masterson had looked cold as ice every time I'd seen her, and it was probably useless to hope she'd warmed up to Giles.

"We'll find out about her decision in a few days." I tried to sound cheery, failing miserably, and then gave him a lopsided grin.

Angel gave one right back. "Have I told you lately that I love you?" Both our smiles widened.

The route to the school was so familiar, I could have walked there with my eyes closed. I much rather kept my eyes on Angel, though. We chatted about small things all the way to the library. About needing to buy more sheets. And clothes, too, since we had adopted the really annoying habit of simply ripping them off.

My suggestion of going shopping for curtains made Angel laugh out loud for the first time in ages. I was really proud of that.

We were both smiling when we stepped inside the library.

A second later we were looking as grim as the others, who were seated around the table. I could see fear lurking in Giles' gaze as we walked closer, but there was desperate hope, too, so I guessed Masterson hadn't said anything yet.

They'd been waiting for us to hear the verdict.

After both Angel and I got seated, there was a brief silence. Then Masterson cleared her throat. "You all know why we're here."

Giles nodded. "I assume you have made your decision."

"I have." She closed the book she'd been apparently reading while they'd waited. "You have used dubious methods over the years, Rupert, but they seem to have worked quite well." Glancing at Buffy, she shrugged. "It's not easy to deal with an... With someone who has such a different cultural heritage."

Hey! Did she just insult my country? I decided not to say anything offending about tea, tweed or Prince Charles' ears. Not that I didn't want to. I just kinda thought it would have been a bad thing now that Giles' future depended on this... woman.

"Her methods may not be traditional," Giles agreed. "But it's her call. She's the Slayer."

"That is true. It's also the reason why the Council agreed with my report. She should be given a new Watcher."

Huh? She'd been so positive just a second ago. Where did this come from?

Buffy flew to her feet, banging her fist on the table. "Just wait a minute! If he's doing such a wonderful job, why the hell do I need another Watcher?"

"Because he's lost his perspective." Masterson shrugged. "It's not all that uncommon, Watchers become mentors to the Slayers. Some even become friends." Her icy tone told what she thought about that. "But Rupert's made critical errors based on emotional judgement instead of rational."

"What errors are those?" Giles asked.

She turned to look at me and Angel.

For fuck's sake! I mimicked Buffy, almost cracking the table with the force of my blow. "You can't judge us just because we're vampires! You're destroying Giles' career over nothing."

Masterson was quiet for a moment. Then she sighed. "That may be so. Unfortunately, though, that's the only course of action there is. We can't trust you, Mr. Harris."

"You don't have trust my words, trust my actions."

"Then you agree to be tested?" She sounded just like my fifth grade teacher.

Whoa! Wait a minute! When did we say anything about any tests?

It seemed that I wasn't the only one confused here. Willow and Oz looked puzzled. Angel kept his gaze on Masterson. Buffy and Giles on the other hand were exchanging strange looks between them.

Finally Giles cleared his throat. "What kinds of tests are we talking here?"

"The Council is not unreasonable, Rupert. I've been informed that if you can prove that these two vampires," she shivered with disgust at the word, "are not a threat, you may continue in your position as a Watcher."

Prove? Like that whole mess with Thorwald wasn't enough? Or those three years --well, two and a half if we don't count all that losing soul, killing people -thing-- Angel's been helping us? "What the hell you think we can do to prove that to you?" I was kinda thinking that the fact that no one was throwing Masterson out of the library was a hell of a proof of our patience.

"The Council has decided on three tests that I will give you all if you insist that Rupert should be heard. If you pass them, all of them, he will stay here. If not, his successor will arrive here in just..."

"We'll take the tests." Buffy's voice was low. "You can tell the _successor_ that he shouldn't quit his day job. He's not needed. Not with this Slayer."

Giles stared at her, obviously wanting to say something. In the end he just nodded.

"Very well." Masterson wiped the book off the table, catching it into her bag as he got up. Must have taken years of practice to perfect that little trick. "I will go to prepare the tests. I want you all here in the library every night, starting tomorrow. You will begin each test when I tell you."

Buffy muttered something that could be interpreted as yes. With my hearing, it was also a really offending insult.

"Right. Good night, then."

As soon as the Watcher was out of the room, Giles turned to Buffy again. "Are you sure about this? Really sure?" He sounded agitated.

"Yeah. It's the only way." She smiled sheepishly as she glanced at Willow. "Um... I mean, I think it is."

My oldest friend nodded. "I think you're right. We're here with you." Next to her, Oz nodded, too.

"I agree." Angel added. "The Council could prove to be a problem if we don't play nice, and by their rules. I've heard some rumors about them and..."

"They're all probably true." Giles finished his sentence. He pinched the bridge of his nose. "This will be dangerous."

Buffy touched her Watcher's arm, leaving it there after a pat. "It'll be worth it. I don't want you to leave."

It was a grave situation, but I couldn't help smiling a little.

Not trusting his voice, Giles nodded, and then patted the hand resting on his arm. His ears turned red, though.

There was a short silence, and then Buffy slowly removed his hand. She looked like she didn't really want to, but didn't feel like she could really leave it there either. "Right. If we're gonna stay here from now on, I think I should go on a patrol now when we still can."

Willow tugged Oz's hand. "We should come with you."

Before the Slayer could say anything, those two were on their way out.

We all exchanged various smiles, ranging from my goofy one to the slight curl of mouth Giles managed.

Shrugging, Buffy gathered her bag and followed the others.

I had no idea what kinds of tests the Watcher would give us. One thing was sure though. I wouldn't have to study for them. I knew that if I really wanted to talk with Buffy, I'd have to do it now.

"Stay here." I muttered to Angel, and then rushed to the corridor. "Hey, Buff, wait up! I need to talk to you!"

She was in the middle of the hallway already. I noticed that she looked a little tired, but she nodded anyway. "What is it?"

There was no good way to say it, so I just said it. Just like I always did. "Me and Angel. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry if I hurt you somehow." I should have said this a long time ago, but there had never been a good moment for it.

"Xander…" Buffy shook her head. "Maybe I _should_ tell you about it."

"Tell me about what? Is something wrong?" Her voice wasn't promising.

After a deep breath she smiled a little. "Not anymore. But I had some really creepy nightmares a few months ago. Just before we met Thorwald. The same thing over and over again."

I just stared at her. Nightmares? That was definitely not a good thing! I'd witnessed some of her prophetic dreams come true, and it was always something bad. Like the end of the world. "Okay, so is there a reason you didn't tell us about it? You _did_ tell Giles, didn't you?"

"No." Buffy's said softly. If I didn't have a vampire's good hearing, I don't think I would have even heard her. "They weren't that kinda nightmares. Nothing to do with the Slayer-business. It was about Angel."

"What about him?" Feeling even colder than usually, I waited for her to continue, though I wasn't sure I really wanted to hear this.

After a moment, she did. "I saw him standing next to a pile of rubble. It looked like a very big building had blown up or something. People were running around, there was smoke everywhere, even though I don't think there was a fire..." There was a small pause. "We were all there, you, me, Giles, Oz, Will. We were looking at Angel. He was walking away from us. I was watching him go, and just when he stepped out of sight, he glanced at me. I've never seen anyone so... alone before. Then he was gone."

"Then what?"

She grimaced. "Then nothing. He left, and never came back. "

I had a major case of heebie-jeebies. "And you didn't mention that?" Damn. I had the urge to go find Angel, and chain him to me, or something. Anything to keep him with me.

"The nightmares went away the day you became a vampire. I guess he found a reason to stay and I..." Her voice cracked and she couldn't say anything more.

Remembering how she'd acted when we'd told her about our relationship, I decided to drop the matter. It was obvious that she didn't want to think about Angel in that way anymore.

Buffy, however, wasn't finished yet. She wiped her eyes, and then focused her gaze on me. "I knew that I had no real future with Angel. Even if he still loved me the way he used to, there would be too many things between us. A dream showed me the worst case scenario. Instead, he's here, with you, and maybe the happiest that he's ever been. How could I resent that?"

I did something I'd once thought would be the fulfillment of my life. Moving slowly so that she'd have every chance of slipping away, I hugged her tight. She hugged me right back. "Thanks, Buffy."

"No, Xander. Thank you. He doesn't have to be alone anymore."

She probably had no idea of how sad she sounded. I made a promise right there and then that I'd make sure she would never have to be alone either. She'd suffered enough, felt guilt enough.

I gave her a weak smile as I let her go. She took a deep breath, and marched out to join Oz and Willow outside.

Feeling that I really needed to get Angel somewhere private right now, I hurried back to the library. I watched from the door as he exchanged a few quiet words with Giles. I admit I tuned into them, and sighed as I heard Angel promise him that we would do everything we could to pass those tests. After that vow, he wished Giles good night.

Giles nodded back, and turned to his books. Angel looked at him for a while and then turned and walked to me.

I pushed the door open, and then froze as Giles' voice rang out. "And Angel... Thank you."

"You're welcome." He muttered back, looking a little embarrassed, and then stepped out with me.

* * *

If there was anything I hated more than a pop quiz, it was an exam I knew I was gonna take, but had no idea when or what about.

The first night after Masterson's words about testing us I kept flinching at loud sounds, and spent most of my time staring at the shadows. Must have looked idiotic. A vampire acting like a baby bunny? I was _so_ happy Angel didn't make a comment about it.

It was a bit different the second night. I wasn't jumpy, I was just plain old angry. Not exactly what I'd call quality time, waiting for the stupid test. We all kinda moped around in the library, me and Angel helping Buffy with some moves with the double ended stakes and the others doing some research on everything there was on Watchers giving each other tests.

Basically, we just waited.

Finally, a little after midnight we decided to get out of there before we all went nuts. Just for half an hour or so. A breath of fresh air, or just strolling around the block. Whatever worked. Oz and Willow hopped into the van, and drove away, heading towards our favorite supermarket. Angel and I were just about to go on our way as a car pulled into the students' parking lot.

Buffy cocked her head. Grabbing a stake, she took a few steps, so that she was standing in front of us. Doing her job, protecting her Watcher and two nice vampires from bad vampires and demons.

And bad Watchers, it seemed.

Relaxing just a little as she saw Masterson climb out of the car, Buffy put the stake back in her bag. "What is it?"

The Watcher didn't seem surprised by her uncivil tone. "It's time for the first test." She looked around her, frowning. "Were are the witch and the werewolf?"

Oh, they're helping the three little pigs and the gingerbreadman to build a house. "They do have names, you know." What were we? Vampire a and vampire b?

"Oz and Willow left just a moment ago." Giles explained calmly.

Masterson's frown deepened, but she just nodded. "We'll have to do without them, then. Please follow me."

None of us said a word as we walked to Giles' car and entered it. We did a lot of glaring, though. I guess none of us dared to say anything, because it would have been hard to be civil to her after allowing the words we probably all thought of come out.

The drive took us to the outskirts of the town. I shivered as I saw the old factory, hoping it wasn't our destination. It wasn't. It was the building behind it.

Why does it always have to be an old abandoned building which has lots of rooms and creepy corridors? This was just like all those others, with dust everywhere and shadows that could hide anything.

So, what would it be? Vampires? A demon? Principal Snyder naked?

Eww!

"You'll find the instructions to your task in a room marked with this symbol." Masterson showed us a picture with a strange symbol that was either portraying a crown or a rabbit. "You must find it together, solve the riddle and then stay alive. I will wait for you at the library."

At least the instructions were simple.

"Stay alive?" Giles raised an eyebrow.

Masterson nodded. As an afterthought she held out her hand. "Miss Summers? Please give me the bag you're carrying." When Buffy reluctantly handed it over to her, she added, "And the rest of your weapons, including your necklace. All of you."

The amount of hidden stakes, knives, crosses, tiny crossbows, bottles of holy water and even two very nasty looking axes we all carried made the Watcher blink. She didn't say anything, though. She just shoved all the stuff into Buffy's bag, checked each of us once again and then left us.

Now what?

Buffy looked around her. "Nice decor. Early apocalyptica, I'd say."

"I think we should be going." Sneezing at all the dust, Giles glanced at me and Angel. "Can you feel anything strange here?"

"I can feel fear through the force, oh, Obi-Wan." Mostly my own, to be honest to myself. I wasn't to the others, though. Nothing hid fear better than a joke. Especially one that only one other in our little group understood. I'd definitely have to focus on educating Angel about pop culture.

Nodding, Buffy chose a corridor, and then entered the very dark and very damp building.

An hour later we'd found seventeen rats, a nest of something furry and smelly, two broken staircases, one can of beans --I didn't even want to know--, but nothing even remotely looking like an ornamental crown. Or a rabbit.

We'd searched all the three storeys. There was nothing left. Was this some kind of a joke?

It was Giles who saw the basement door. Since it was the only one we hadn't tried yet, Angel pulled it open, the rusty hinges screaming, and we marched down the stairs into the underground section of the warehouse.

"Look." Buffy motioned at the floor. "No dust. Either we're close to what we're looking for, or the rats have started the spring cleaning really late."

Coughing, Giles pushed the door in front of us open. It hadn't even been locked. Behind it, there was a long creepy corridor, and at the end of it another door.

We marched to the door together. Okay, so vampire or not, I wasn't feeling all that comfortable, so I stayed really close to Angel.

Whatever we were looking for had to be behind the door. I could hear Buffy take a deep breath, and then we all entered the room.

It was dark, and even I had to squint my eyes as I tried to find a trace of that symbol.

Angel's eyes spotted it first. "Here it is. On the wall."

We all stepped closer to it, Giles stumbling on his feet. Or maybe on Buffy's feet. It was hard to tell, because it was so damn dark there.

And then there was light, plenty of light as the door banged closed behind us and the fluorescent light illuminated the room.

Showing a crown --or maybe it really was a rabbit-- painted on the wall and nothing more.

Acting purely on instincts, Angel hurried to the door, trying to open it. When it didn't budge, he pushed it as hard as he could.

"Move over," I joined him, and we pushed the door together. Nothing happened.

Then Buffy was there, pushing the door with us, two vampires and a Slayer using every ounce of our strengths to open it. Failing miserably.

I banged at the door, muttering curses at the same time. Damn the Watchers. Damn their tests! Damn them all to hell.

Finally, when my hands started to hurt, I stopped the pounding and walked to where Angel was standing. He smiled at me slightly, but didn't say anything. I was glad he didn't. Any words would have just started a fight. It wasn't him I wanted to fight against.

"I assume it's safe to say that we're now being tested." Buffy's voice was full of sarcasm.

Giles replied her, as if her question had been real. "It would seem that way, yes." Then again his tone suggested that he was being sarcastic, too.

Have I ever mentioned how annoying that kinda bantering is? Well, when I'm not a part of it anyway.

She pushed against the door once more, and then sighed. "The door's definitely designed to keep a Slayer inside." Glancing at me, she added. "And a few vampires."

"At least she is efficient." Removing his glasses, Giles rubbed the bridge of his nose. "We are trapped here."

"Yep." She nodded.

"And now what? We wait here until you run out of air?" I glared at her.

"No." Buffy smiled and pulled her cell phone from her pocket. "Now we'll call the cavalry. Wonders of modern technology, Xander. Even more handy than a few stakes."

She dialed the number and then smiled as the phone was answered immediately. I focused my hearing, and then smiled as I realized she was talking to Willow.

I sighed. Now all we had to do was wait.

And wait.

And then wait some more.

After what had to be more than hour, we had to admit the fact that maybe there wouldn't be a cavalry coming to our rescue.

It took me a moment to think of what we needed rescuing from. Then I realized why Masterson had taken all our weapons. Yeah. If Angel or I were to get in the mood of a snack, Buffy and Giles would be history. Or meal, actually.

Sneaky. And stupid, really. Neither of us would ever think about eating a friend. Besides, how would we decide which one to eat... Hey!

The idea that flashed through my head was so bright I was half sure the others could see me jolt. Okay, so we were in the middle of a serious situation, but no time like the present, huh? I'd been wondering about a way to get those two crazy kids together, and now this was handed to us on a plate. Two vampires, two mortals. What better way to have a little self-sacrificing drama?

It wasn't like I had anything better to do.

Buffy had been pacing back and forth for about a quarter of an hour. Before that it had been Angel doing that. None of us was really interested in talking, so I didn't have to wait for a lull in the conversation.

Actually I didn't have to say anything. I just slipped into my game face, making sure all could see it. Then I was back to myself, shivering.

"Xander?" Giles' voice was concerned. "Are you all right?"

I had to hide my smile. "I... I don't feel all that well..."

That made him frown. "Is there something in the air? No, you don't need to breathe, right. How about..."

"I'm hungry!" Exclaiming that, I went all fangy before I'd start to laugh. I sniffed the air and focused my gaze on the Watcher and the Slayer. Even though I couldn't see myself in the mirrors anymore, I knew that the golden stare of a vampire was really unnerving.

"Hungry?" Buffy sounded like she didn't know whether to laugh or cry. "What do you mean, hungry?"

Like I could smell the roast beef sandwich in her pocket. What did she think I meant? To make it perfectly clear, I growled a little and muttered, "I can smell it! All that blood, pulsing through both of you. Warm, thick, sweet blood." Hey, I'd seen my share of vampire movies. Even though the thought of biting my friends disgusted me, I could still act.

Angel stared at me like I'd lost my mind. Grabbing my arm, he whispered, "What do you think you're doing? Two cups of blood, and now you're suddenly starving?"

He obviously didn't have my sense of drama.

At least he'd kept his voice so quiet only I'd heard it. I whispered back, "I'm trying to make those two see that they care for each other! Now shut up and play along!" Continuing to shake, I added louder, "I... I can't help it. I'm starving here!"

For a second I was sure that Angel wouldn't help me. Then he rolled his eyes and took a hold on my other arm as well. "Fight it. You can do it!"

I almost laughed at his tone of voice. Not all that convincing. I masked it as a hungry moan. "Angel! I'm hungry!"

Fortunately he didn't have to say anything to that. Giles was backing away from us, his back soon hitting the wall. Buffy was right beside him. "Did you give Masterson all your weapons?"

"Yeah." She nodded. "Tried to hide that knife you gave me a week ago, but she spotted it."

I made a step towards them, jerking as Angel grabbed my arm. "Giles? I can't..." Then around the fangs again. "You smell so good!"

Angel almost lost his grip at that.

"Xander? How bad is it?" Buffy sounded worried, moving a little closer to us.

I focused my gaze on her, sniffing the air again and growling. Basically acting like a young vampire who was hungry.

"This is serious." Angel pulled me closer. "And just what the Council must have thought when they planned this."

Those bastards! I almost said that out loud, but then clamped my mouth shut.

Buffy looked like she wanted to kick someone's ass. "Can you hold him?"

A second's hesitation. Then Angel shook his head. "Not for much longer. He'll start fighting against everything that keeps him from you. At that point no one can restrain him."

"We have to think of a plan." Giles stated calmly. I guess he knew that panic wouldn't help. "If you indeed lose it, you will attack any living being. The hunger overrides all your consciousness thoughts. Indeed, you will be like Oz, overwhelmed by the need to taste blood."

Thank you, professor Giles. "I know that." Realizing that annoyed remark was quite different from my role as a starving vampire, I groaned, and decided to let Angel do the talking.

He kept his eyes on Giles, waiting for him to go on.

After a moment Giles sighed. "I think there is only one thing we can do."

"What?" Buffy sounded so anxious, that I almost felt bad for doing this. Almost. But then again, I was doing this for her sake.

"Since there's no way anyone can stop Xander..." Giles threw an apologizing glance at me before gesturing at the empty cell, "... we must give him something to eat."

" _What_?" Frowning, the Slayer repeated herself. "You think he'd be able to just drink a little and then wait till we're free to continue eating?"

I hadn't thought about that. Moaning, I struggled against Angel's grip, trying to act like I was almost mad with hunger. At least I had enough restraint that I didn't start gurgling 'blood, need blood'. From the slight shaking, I knew that Angel found my performance amusing anyway.

Giles stared at me. Then he shook his head. "I'm afraid that won't help. If we get him close enough to bite, he'll kill." Moving his hands to his jacket, he slipped the tweed garment off and sighed, "I think it's best if you go to the other end of the room, Buffy. Just to be safe."

"Why?" Her voice was full of suspicion. "You... You can't be serious!" Now there was outrage as well. "There's no way you're gonna let him eat you!"

I had to turn my face for a moment to hide the smile.

"Now, let's be reasonable." Giles gestured with his hand. "I have this whole thing figured out."

"Yeah. The only weak thing in your plan is that it'll get you killed!" Buffy took a deep breath. She looked at Angel imploringly. "Is there anything you can do?"

He was quiet for a moment. Then he shook his head. "I'm sorry."

It couldn't have been easy for him to lie when she had that look in her eyes. I squeezed his hand, making a silent promise that I'd do something to pay for any pain I was causing.

"Well, being sorry isn't helping here!"

Giles cleared his throat, looking from me to Buffy. "You know this is the only way. You are all on my responsibility. My decision. I can't let any one of you die. Besides, I'm the only logical choice. I'm disposable, and you're not..."

Buffy's face was livid. "How can you say something like that? You're not disposable! I couldn't work without you."

"Yes, you do need a Watcher. But I'm not the only Watcher in the world."

"And I'm not the only Slayer. Faith can handle the shop even if I kick the bucket!" She touched Giles' arm softly. "You've studied for _decades_ to be a Watcher. It's more important than a few years of the slaying I have ahead of me. You know the life expectance of a Slayer and I've already survived more than most of the others. Some day I'll make a small mistake during a fight and I'll..."

"Stop that! You're not going to die!" Giles snarled, yanking his arm from Buffy's grasp.

The Slayer smiled a little. "I already have, once."

After a long silence, Giles sighed. "Yes, you have. And I'll be damned if I let you die now for me."

"Giles..."

"Would you please stop arguing with me! You know I'm right." His voice was hoarse. "Buffy, just move aside. It'll be far easier for me to be Xander's meal than watch you die."

I smiled at Angel. That was about the closest thing Giles had ever come to express his love for her. A small movement made me turn back to the others, and I just barely stopped myself from laughing out loud as I saw the Giles' hands raise to hold her. Yes!

Buffy lowered her head. When Giles moved closer to hug her, she sprung into action and hit him in the jaw with her fist. Giles collapsed on the floor out cold. She turned to face me with a grim expression on her face. "Okay, get on with it."

So, it wasn't working out after all. I groaned and shook my head. "You're impossible! Why couldn't you two just _talk_ about it?" Turning my back at them, I walked to the far side of the room, muttering to myself. The fact that Angel was grinning at me certainly didn't help.

"What?" Buffy's voice was furious. "You're not hungry after all? It was just some stupid prank?"

How the hell was I supposed to explain it to her? Tell her that I just wanted her and Giles to talk about the obvious love they had for each other? Somehow I didn't think that would work.

Thank god Angel was there with me. "Not a prank. It was something we wanted to make clear. You need Giles. Not just as a Watcher, but as a friend. If the other Watchers force him to resign his place as your Watcher and return to London, you'll lose more than just someone who helps you with your work. We weren't sure if you knew that."

"I know it. I don't see him just as a Watcher."

I smiled, recognizing the soft tone of her voice. She wasn't just talking about ordinary friendship, she'd certainly never talked about me in that tone, and no, wasn't at all jealous at that.

"Then show that to him. And let Masterson and the others know that you won't tolerate any other Watcher." Angel gestured at the unconscious man with his hand. "What you two have, goes far beyond the normal Watcher-Slayer relationship. He's not just standing in his ivory tower, watching you fight the monsters and making notes. He's fighting too, right by your side."

Buffy nodded. "I couldn't live without him." Realizing what she'd just said, she blushed a little. "Without his help, I would have been --and stayed-- dead years ago."

Angel and I exchanged an amused look. Her words didn't probably convince even herself.

Even though it wasn't all that easy to keep my mouth shut, we both stayed quiet after that. Buffy sat down next to Giles, lifting his head on her lap. I leaned against Angel, enjoying the feel of his fingers brush through my hair.

His voice was just a whisper. "They have to figure it out by themselves."

"All right." I had to admit that he was probably right. But then again, the way Buffy was holding Giles' head in her lap indicated that they'd figure it out sooner than later.

It was enough. For now.

Buffster tried to call Willow a little later only to find that her cell phone had ran out of charge. Her temperance was amazing. I would have thrown the cell phone at the wall if I'd been her instead of just muttering a few swear words. At least Giles was still out of it, so he didn't scowl at her and comment on her language.

I didn't say anything, either. Didn't want to annoy her any more than I already had.

Minutes ticked by. I did some pacing for a while, and then returned to Angel's arms. The sound of my own steps just made me nervous.

Have I ever mentioned that I hate waiting? Well, I do.

Angel held me tight, so at least there was one good thing happening. Buffy didn't seem to pay any attention to us. She was staring at Giles, obviously thinking very hard about something. I was wishing it was one of those happily ever after somethings.

Like with me and my undead lover.

Who wasn't brushing his hand against my back anymore. Actually, Angel was sitting unnaturally still, almost like there was no one there, and he'd left just an empty husk behind.

I looked at him, noticing the strained look for the first time. "Angel? What's wrong?"

"In case you didn't notice, you were the only one who had a proper meal tonight." His voice was strangled, and I could see his facial muscles shift a little as a hint of what would happen soon.

But... I remembered our breakfast, Angel sipping barely a cup of blood while reading the newspaper. Oh, no! This was bad. Worse than bad! It was a disaster!

"Can you hold on? How bad is it?" I shook my head as I saw his game face. "Forget I even asked. What do we do now?"

Angel was squeezing his hands together and managed to push the vampiric expression off his face. He closed his eyes, leaning against me. "I can't make it home, even if Willow and Oz came back right now. If I don't get any food in a few minutes, I _will_ attack someone." He gave me a sarcastic smile before his face twisted again. "Seems to me that your little scheme works better than you thought. Too bad it'll get at least one of our friends killed."

The soft touch on my cheek took off the sting from his words. Nevertheless, I lowered my gaze to my feet and apologized. "I'm sorry. This whole mess is my fault!"

"Don't be an idiot. You didn't know this would happen."

"No, but... " I shook my head. "Damn. Isn't there anything we can do?"

The sadness in Angel's eyes made me wince. "No. The smell of their blood, the steady beating of their hearts, pumping the blood through their veins, is making me crazy."

Buffy's voice rang clearly in the room. "What's wrong?"

Looking up, I saw her staring at us. She was still holding Giles' head on her lap, but now she was fully concentrating on us. When she noticed the change on Angel's face, her heartrate doubled.

"Angel?"

"Don't... " Angel rasped. It wasn't all that easy to talk while wearing one's game face. The first few times I did that, I almost bit my tongue off.

I tightened my grip on his hand. "It seems that our friend here forgot the importance of a good breakfast."

She understood immediately. Her eyes darted around the little room, searching for something we all knew she wouldn't find. Lowering her gaze to Giles' head, she kept from saying anything.

"If I lose it, you have to kill me!" Angel's words shocked me. "You're strong enough. You can tear my head off with your bare hands if necessary."

"No!" It was unthinkable.

"Xander! Listen to me. I can't feed from a human. That's not who I am. I couldn't live with myself if I killed someone, and I'm too hungry to just take a sip now! If I get my hands on a human, I'll rip their throat open. I mustn't be allowed to do that."

I wanted to argue with him, but I knew he was right. The guy I loved wasn't a killer. "I know." Even if he survived the long wait in this room, he wouldn't survive the daylight he'd seek the moment he was free.

"We can't escape this place. There are no weapons here. You're the only one who can stop me from becoming a monster again." Angel's whole body shook a little. "Please!"

Wondering if he'd felt like this when I asked him to make me a vampire, I leaned closer to him. The kiss was more desperate than passionate, like a condemned man's last meal before the execution. His teeth grated my lip, but I didn't care. "You want me to kill you. _I_ can't live with myself if I do that."

"Please, Xander! _Please_!"

"Angel..." I pulled his head closer and kissed him again. Feeling his hands slide to my neck, I deepened the kiss. We held each other for a long time, a mere mortal would have suffocated. But we were not mortals. We were vampires, who needed to eat blood in order to survive. Eat or die. Angel's choice was to die. "I love you."

He laid his head on my shoulder. I could feel his breath on my skin as he gasped, "I love you too."

I blinked. His touch gave me an idea. "Angel? What about me?"

"I want you to continue..." There was a small pause and then a sound that was obviously intended to be a chuckle. It sounded more like a strangled sob to me. "...living after I'm gone. Don't do anything rash..."

"No, I mean, what about _me_? My blood. Couldn't you just eat from me?"

My lover was quiet for a moment. Then he raised his head to meet my gaze. "You have no idea of what you're offering."

"Tell me." I was a bit baffled. We'd shared each other's blood before. Why was this situation any different?

"I'm so hungry, I'll drain you. You'll get crazy with hunger."

That would be bad. "Okay. So what if I eat from you then. It's not like the blood disappears somewhere. We'll eat from each other."

Angel stared at me with his mouth slightly open. I was half afraid I'd crossed the line somehow. Maybe it was once again some vampire custom I'd overlooked.

"Xander? It's not that simple."

"Not really getting it. What do you mean?"

"It's the most intimate thing we can do."

That certainly got my attention. "You mean it'll be like having sex?"

He shook his head. "Not exactly. Sex is just a simple act of pleasure compared to feeding from another vampire." That soft voice became an even softer whisper. "You know how it feels to taste me while we make love. Feeding from me is a thousand times more intense. More intimate. All your feelings, all that you think will course through me, and vice versa."

Feeling the heat on my face, I nodded. It was hard to imagine what it would be like. Sharing _everything_ with the other. "Doesn't sound all that horrible."

"It'll weaken us both. If Masterson decides to come in here and slay us, we won't be able to defend ourselves."

"But this way we both have a chance to survive. It's a risk I'm willing to take."

Angel looked at me straight in the eyes. Then he turned to Buffy. "As soon as you can get out of here, go to my place and grab a few bags of blood. Let no one here in any circumstances. When you get back, toss the bags inside and then wait until we knock on the door."

"What are you going to do?" She hadn't obviously heard a word we'd said. No wonder, since most of our conversation had been whispered in between kisses.

"We'll try something new here. It should work, so you're in no danger."

Buffy nodded and lowered her gaze to Giles. Then her head snapped up again. There was ice in her eyes as she surveyed the both of us. "If you fail, you'd better eat me. Because if you touch him, I'll personally drive a stake through your heart."

"Nothing will happen to him. I swear it by the man _I_ love." Angel's words made her flinch a little. She opened her mouth to say something, but my lover silenced her with a stern look. "Just remember what I said about the door. And be careful when you come back here."

She nodded, her eyes wide. Obviously Angel had given her something to think about.

"Xander. You still sure you want to do this?"

I answered him by pulling his head to my throat. Feeling him kiss the spot where a pulse would have beaten on a mortal, I closed my eyes and waited for him to bite me.

"No, not like this. Give me your hand." Angel raised his head from my throat and grabbed the offered hand. Then he kissed the soft skin of my wrist.

The touch of his fangs made me almost jump, but I forced myself to stay still. Then they pierced my skin, and everything became fuzzy.

There's something unbelievably erotic in being fed from. Well, not when someone's sucking your life away, I was most definitely _not_ turned on by the vampire who killed me. But this, being held by someone I love, his mouth closed over a bleeding wound in my wrist, knowing that my blood was now running through his veins, giving him life. This was different.

Somewhere in the distance someone was making small pleased sounds, and it took a moment for me to recognize my own voice.

Angel seemed to hear that too, and soon he lifted his head, giving me a smile before rising his wrist to my lips. I licked the skin and then sank my fangs to him, almost choking as a moan clawed its way up my throat as his warm blood floated into my mouth. It tasted quite different from the blood I'd originally eaten earlier that night. Somehow it was now my blood. His blood.

We shifted turns again, and I stretched my legs a little, not even knowing exactly when I'd dropped to the floor. Angel was lying right next to me, his other hand resting on my chest, even as the other one was clutching mine to his lips. It was an odd feeling, to be drained almost to the brink of madness, and then finally getting the sanity back. Like he'd said, it was very intimate, surrendering to the other one, and then taking the control.

I was feeding from him again, but this time I didn't let go of his wrist when I sensed that he was almost drained. Instead I gave him access to my wrist, begging him to take me even as I was taking him. There was a moment of hesitation, and then Angel groaned and once again bit me.

Nothing could have prepared me to the shock of feeling our blood pulsing through our joined bodies. Our hands and mouths formed a loop, making the blood circle freely from me to him and then back to me. I'd never felt so intense pleasure. Something that was even more than just pleasure, actually. I was still me, but I was also him, or at least it felt like that. Everything he felt, I felt too. And not just the physical thing. I could feel his _emotions_ , mainly awe and happiness.

And above all, love. Fierce, burning emotion I answered with all my heart.

It was awesome to really feel it. Yeah, I knew already that he loved me, but this was something different. On the emotional level, there were no secrets between the two of us. I could finally be assured that he really loved me, just as much as I loved him, and that when he spoke of forever, he really meant it. In return he could share my feelings about us.

More emotions were swirling in my mind now. My own fears and pain from all the years I'd been called the geek of the century. Angel's remorse over all the things Angelus had once done, and even a deeply buried guilt over that night he had held me dying in his arms. The friendship I felt towards Willow, the sorrow I still felt about Jesse. Disgust towards Darla, the blonde bitch vampire, and strange mixture of the same disgust and wry affection towards Dru and Spike.

Soon it was hard to know whose thoughts, whose feelings I was sensing. Mine, his, _ours_. And it felt so damn good, so damn right.

I still have no idea of how long we were joined like that. Could be minutes, could be hours. The only thing I do know, is that when he wrenched his hand off my mouth, I felt like someone was tearing my guts out. I lay on the floor, convulsing, and it took me a moment to register everything that was going on in the little room.

"Here, eat."

Angel's hands raised my head so I didn't choke on the cool blood he poured into my mouth from a very familiar bag. Still, I wanted to spit the liquid out and grab him again. The thought was scary, and as soon as I could, I scrambled away from him. "Goddamnit, Angel! What the hell happened?"

He looked as stunned as I felt. "I have no idea. All I know is that we shouldn't probably do that again."

"Yeah." He was right. "I liked it too much, you know. It was like I was losing myself." If he hadn't pushed me away, I would have stayed joined with him forever.

"That's just why I think we shouldn't do that again." Angel raised the almost empty bag to his lips and ate the rest of the blood. His hands were trembling a little.

I looked around the empty room. "So Buffy and Giles made it?"

"They must have. All I know that suddenly there was the scent of blood in the room, and I had to move away from you right then, or I would never let you go."

Even thought it was all still pretty spooky, I couldn't help laughing. "You know, this really goes beyond romantic. I want to be with you, you know I do, but I don't want a Siamese twin. No offense meant."

"None taken." Angel smiled. "I must admit that it's not actually the way I want to spend forever with you."

I was about to stick my tongue at him, but the pounding on the door interrupted me. All the blood made it impossible for me to smell who it was, but it was pretty obvious who was behind the door.

Angel was closer to the door, and he raised his voice slightly, "We're all right now."

Still, Buffy was holding a crucifix ready as Giles opened the door. I shivered a little when I saw that quite big cross of pain, but didn't get all teethy. That seemed to convince the Slayer, and she put the crucifix under her jacket.

"You all right?"

Didn't Angel just say that? No matter, he repeated that and then guided me out of the little cell. I was really happy to get out of there. The corridors made me really claustrophobic, and I hurried towards the exit as quickly as I could.

As I stepped out of the door, I was hit by a squealing female, who wrapped her hands around me, and squeezed tight. I patted Willow's back, and had to swallow a few times.

Time had lost all meaning, and even though it was dark outside, I had no idea if it was the same night we'd entered the abandoned building or not. "How long did we stay there?"

"Took us hours to get here." Will was sniffling a little. Behind her, Oz was giving me the thumbs up sign. "We had a flat tire, and then we went to the factory, and got really lost and before we could get here, we'd already wasted so much time I didn't know if you were alive or not and then you were lying there like you were gone and..."

I shook her a little. "Okay. Breathe."

Nodding, she took a deep breath. Then she gave me a wobbly smile. "I'm just glad you're okay."

"So am I."

A brisk voice from behind me said, "We all are. But we can talk about that later. Hurry up and get into the cars." Giles walked past us, heading to his car.

"But..." I felt my best friend tighten her grip around me.

"We need to get going, now!" The Watcher rarely used that tone of voice, but when he did, we all obeyed. One more squeeze, and then I let my witchy friend go.

Oz had already started the engines. Willow waved at me as she climbed inside the van. I grinned back at her.

"Hop in," Giles called from the driver's seat of his car. Buffy was already sitting next to him, so Angel and I went into the back seat. We sat as far apart as possible, not really trusting ourselves to handle a touch without having the almost overpowering urge to get all sucky with each other again.

The drive through the nightly Sunnydale was peaceful. I glanced at the clock on the headboard and noticed that it was over five a.m. There wasn't much time before sunrise.

None of us was in a really talkative mood on the way back to school. The four of us had just spent hours in a cell, two of us in a real danger some of that time. That made people think about all those serious things.

At least I was still thinking about one of those. "Angel?" Just a whisper. When he looked at me, I asked, "You really feel bad for making me a vampire?" Well, it had been quite obvious from all those, 'damn I feel bad for making Xander a vampire' -vibes he'd sent to me earlier, but I kinda wanted him to say that to me.

"I do." Angel smiled cynically. "Can't really help it. I know it was the only way to act, but some part of me regrets it. And I guess it always will. Not the fact that you're here with me. Never think that. But the truth is, I was the one who sucked the last spark of life out of you."

Oh. That kinda answered my unsaid question, too. "So that's the reason you haven't been perfectly happy?" I saw him open his mouth to object --feeling warm fuzzies--, and hurried to say the rest before he could angst more. "I mean, the reason why you..." Uh, oh. No way I was gonna say his name again. "... um... Haven't gone all 'grr' on us."

He stared at my imitation of a deranged vampire, a smile tugging at his lips. Then he cocked his head. "I... I think you could be right there. Earlier, I thought it was because we're essentially both demonic in a way. But that could be it, too."

Hey, whatever worked. If a secret brooding made sure his soul was safe, I could deal with it. That just meant more comfort sex.

I noticed Giles glance at our direction through the rear view mirror, but the Watcher didn't say a word. His expression was grave, though. I wondered if it was because of our discussion or because of the fact that he and Buffy had almost been on that night's menu.

Proved to be neither. As he pulled in to the parking lot, a gust of wind brought the weird scent of very early morning to us. I glanced at Angel, and then shoved the door open, both of us running inside the school just seconds before the first rays of the raising sun appeared in the horizon.

Willow and Oz were already there waiting for us, and Wills hugged me as the door banged closed behind us. "I thought you wouldn't make it!"

"Yeah, I know the feeling," I muttered, and then let her go.

Oz smiled a little, showing no signs of jealousy, which was good and healthy. And I do mean the latter literally.

We moved farther away from the door so that we wouldn't turn into crispy critters when Buffy and Giles entered, and then started our slow journey to the library. We had to dodge all the windows somehow, and everyone who was less flammable than us scurried around, trying to pull the shades closed tight enough so that we survived.

Masterson raised her gaze from a journal as we barged into the library. She looked slightly disappointed to see us all alive.

I felt my face twitch a little. Damn, I wanted to show her what a pissed vampire looked like. And I meant like a moment before he snaps and shakes her. But that would have just proven her point about us being public enemy number one.

So I let Buffy do all the glaring and snarling instead. After all, she was so good at it. Besides, I had to wait for Giles to roll down the shades till it was safe to walk farther into the library.

"Yeah, we're still alive." She walked towards the Watcher. "No thanks to you, though. What the hell is it with you guys? Me Slayer, remember? Locking me in basement with two vampires isn't exactly all that productive for the Slaying -business!"

That's right, Buffster! You tell her! And if talking isn't enough, you can just go and kick her tweedy ass. At the moment I would have even paid her to do that.

Once Buffy got into something, she could go on and on for hours. After making sarcastic comments about Masterson's plan, she went on and ranted about the Watchers in general. She didn't repeat herself. Not even once. It made me wonder if she'd accidentally swallowed a thesaurus.

The rest of us just stood there and allowed her to let out some steam. I peeked at the others, and saw Angel look pensive as usually. Willow on the other hand looked different from her usual peaceful self. I'd hardly ever seen her so angry. Oz was holding his hand on her shoulder, clearly trying to calm her without words. Didn't exactly work all that well as far as I could tell.

I couldn't really see what our own Watcher was looking like. Giles had turned his back on us, focusing his attention on the bookshelves after finishing fussing with the shades. It wasn't all that hard to read the tension in his back, though.

Eyes gleaming, Buffy took a deep breath, and then she laid her hands on the table, staring at the British woman. "We passed the test. You can leave now."

Gemma Masterson didn't look all that sure of herself anymore. "You did pass the first test, but the second one will be much harder. You..."

"No." Giles' quiet voice interrupted her. "No more tests."

"The Council isn't convinced about this yet, Rupert. If you're to continue your work here, you have to give us proof that your way is the right way."

Giles shook his head, turning to face us. "Your test could have killed her. I refuse to put her into a danger."

Hey! We'd been in danger, too! I didn't say it out loud, though.

Masterson sighed, "I know that this goes against everything you were taught, but this is the only way to test your bond. I can't test you and the vampires alone, I need to test all of you together."

"Then I give up."

A shocked silence followed Giles' words. We all stared at him, and I noticed how unnaturally pale he was. Almost vampiric.

"Giles..."

Giles raised his hand. "Buffy, don't. It's not worth the fight. The price is too high. If you die, I'll have no reason to be a Watcher anymore. It's better this way." Turning to his colleague, he added, "I'll return to England with you. The Council can assign Buffy to whomever they choose."

Masterson nodded, "You're making the right decision, Rupert."

"The hell he is!"

It was just like watching tennis. We all turned back to see Buffy getting to her feet from the chair she'd sat on less than a minute ago. She looked mad as hell. Believe me, an angry Slayer was really not something a vampire --even one with his soul intact-- wanted to face.

"If I lose my Watcher, you'll lose a Slayer. I refuse to work with anyone else but Giles."

I could feel Giles' heartbeat rise. A quick glance to the right revealed that he wasn't all that pale anymore. He was blushing. "Buffy..."

"Shut up, Giles. I have rights, you know. I'm not just some project you can assign to anyone! If you don't want to work with me, that's fine, but if you care about..." She swallowed hard. "All that we've worked for, you'll stay here and fight."

It was perfect! I turned to look at Angel, and saw that he was grinning like an idiot. Just like I was.

"You don't understand. The Council will find a way to separate us if we don't pass the tests. I can't let anything bad happen to you because of me."

Buffy took two steps towards him, and grabbed Giles' hands. "I don't care. I can't do the slaying without you. Either you stay with me, or the Council will have to focus their whole energy on Faith."

Giles kept his gaze on Buffy's. He didn't say a word, but just stood there, staring at her.

"Come on, Giles!" His silence was obviously unnerving her. "You said it yourself right after we destroyed the Tear. 'Alone we're incomplete. Together we can do _anything_.' Please. Stay with me."

I heard a faint sniff and turned my gaze to Willow. She was holding Oz's hand tight, and tears were running down her cheeks. I felt like that, too. We'd been together for three years, going through hell. _I_ didn't want Giles to go, and I wasn't even in love with him. I could only try to imagine how Buffy felt.

Slowly, very slowly, Giles raised Buffy's hand to his chest. Held it there above his heart for a moment. Then he broke eye contact with her so that he could turn to see Masterson. "I take it back. As long as I live, my place is by my Slayer."

The woman nodded gravely, even as Buffy squealed with joy and hugged Giles. "I will make preparations for the next test." She collected her stuff, and walked out of the library without another word.

Since it was already morning, we couldn't go home. I wasn't all that happy when Giles said that the only really safe place for us to sleep was in the small closet in his office, but it was better than frying.

So there I was, in a closet with my male lover. I snickered about that for some time, and then curled against him.

* * *

I awoke with a start, really dizzy and feeling a cramp in my left foot.

For a few seconds I didn't know where I was, and I fidgeted, wondering why I was so obviously sleeping on the floor when we had a perfectly good bed. Then I remembered that I wasn't home.

Yeah, I was sleeping in a closet.

My vampiric inner clock wasn't all that accurate usually, but I did sense that it was still sunny outside. So why the hell was I awake?

I took a deep breath out of habit, and then realized that somehow I'd smelled people enter Giles' office. Not just any people. Our Brit was there, but he wasn't alone. No. I could clearly smell --and now also hear-- Gemma Masterson.

The two Watchers were talking about some book, Giles sounding tired but polite. Masterson on the other hand was as cold as always.

I wasn't really all that interested about what they were talking, and so I snuggled even closer to Angel, who was still sleeping. Closing my eyes, I tried to fall into slumber again.

A few minutes later I was still wide awake. Annoying! More so, because my leg was still cramping, and there was not enough room for me to move in the tiny closet.

"I thought Henry wanted her to study in England." Giles' voice was suddenly very close, and very strange.

Masterson sighed, for the first time sounding like a human being and not some kind of super Watcher. "Christine had real problems adjusting to her father's death, Rupert. She started socializing with some very shady people."

"I see." I could picture his serious expression in my mind.

"When she seemed to get worse, I decided I should take her somewhere far away from those friends of hers and brought her here with me."

She thought that bringing her daughter to the good old US of A was a good solution? That somehow California was more peaceful than England? Maybe insanity was required in order to become a Watcher.

"Gemma... You know this is all wrong." Giles spoke softly.

I knew his words were a mistake even before Masterson cleared her throat. Then she was back to the Watcher mode, asking something about a book they were obviously browsing.

Losing a husband and worrying about her child might have made Masterson seem more human, but I really couldn't help being annoyed by her. She was causing us all a lot of grief. If she'd only use her head and look at our little group without those black and white goggles she seemed to wear, everything would probably be over. With Giles staying here. But no. She was a Perfect Watcher, and I'd had enough of people who thought they were perfect.

Pushing all compassionate stuff out of my head, I shifted my position, so that my leg might stop cramping and fell asleep again.

* * *

I woke up right after sunset, once again feeling cramps. This time not only in my leg, but also in my back.

Angel tried to ease the pain with a massage. It actually worked, but I did feel stiff when we finally got out of the closet.

That thought still made me snicker.

Since we were supposed to stay in the library, we couldn't really go home. Giles had a little storage of blood in his tiny fridge, and after Angel had sniffed it suspiciously, we had a very cold meal.

Sleeping fully clothed on the floor was pretty disgusting, even if we didn't really sweat, and the next thing we did was to march to the locker room and take a shower. A little time off together. Buffy promised to get us if we were needed.

It was really eerie! I'd showered there dozens of times, but that had been different. We goofed around with Angel, both of us dropping the soap and then bending to pick it up, and then slapping each other with towels. I couldn't remember when I'd laughed that much!

So we were acting like two kids. I liked it! All that brooding and worrying and gloom was making me go insane. This was in a way just as good as spending a few hours frolicking in bed with Angel.

God, I loved to hear the sound of his laughter! He didn't let himself relax like that often.

One thing had been bothering me ever since Giles mentioned it last night. After we'd stopped playing and I was pulling my pants back on, I asked Angel, "Do you know what Buffy meant when she said that she knew the life expectancy for a Slayer?"

The way his whole body tensed told me that he knew it all right. I didn't say anything more. I'd gotten used to his way of dealing with things, and now I just had to wait.

Finally he sighed. "I don't even know how many Slayers there has been. Hundreds, I guess. No one knows for sure, except the Watchers. I've read a lot about them, though, and I've only read about two Slayers who ever lived to see their 25th birthday. One of them died on her birthday. The other one a week after it."

"What?" I was stunned. Of course I'd known that the Slaying business wasn't exactly as simple as being a cosmetologist, but this was shocking. "But that's impossible! It's…"

"Xander. It's all right." Angel was right next to me in a second, giving me a big hug.

It was actually amazing how hard it hit me. I'd just always thought that with care, Buffy would still be Slaying when she was a grandmother.

I finished dressing in silence. When I'd tied up my shoelaces, I couldn't help asking one more thing. "Can we stay here and see to it that she'll have a long time to nag at Giles and make his life less stuffy?"

Angel laughed. "Of course. Not every Slayer's had two vampire bodyguards."

His words were teasing, but there was something serious in his voice. Yeah. We'd stay in Sunnydale and try to keep our friends alive for as long as their natural mortal lives would last. Ouch. Not a good thought after all.

Pushing every thought of mortality out of my head, I waited for Angel to get ready, and then we hurried back to the library.

Masterson hadn't given us any time she needed us to be somewhere for the second test, so we just stayed in Giles' realm for the night.

It was the night before the full moon, so Oz wasn't there with us. Ever since he'd gotten loose in the library and then tried to go running around Sunnydale High, he'd spent his wolfish nights in Giles' basement. Well, except for that night at Angel's... Our place.

All the others were there, though, Will working on the 'puter as usual, Buffy checking out her weapons.

I glanced at Giles. "Do you want to do some more interviewing with this vampire?"

He removed his glasses to rub his nose, but didn't make any comments at my joke. "Sure, Xander. My report is almost finished, but there are a few things I'd like to confirm." Gesturing at the side door to his tiny office, the Watcher waited for me to get there first, and then followed me.

Resting my butt on his table, I smiled, "So what do you want to know? More about the ways us vampires do stuff?"

"No. Um… Actually I wanted to talk about… Um… Angel."

That made me tense. "What about him?"

Giles held his pen over the blank piece of paper, looking a bit hesitant. Then he sighed. "I know this isn't easy for you, Xander, but I really need to put something to the report about you and your relationship with him. And about how do you see your future with him."

"Why is it so important for you to…" I hopped off the table. "The Council. Did they ask you to write about us?"

He looked stunned, and then shook his head vigorously. "No, for heaven's sake, no! It's not to control you or to hunt you down. I just think I should be thorough with this report, since it may quite well be my last one."

"All right. You can ask, but I don't promise you I'll answer everything." Not that I thought he'd ask for any of the embarrassing details. He wasn't like that. I hoped.

After giving me a relieved smile, Giles scribbled the date to the top of that paper, and then began. "About you and Angel. We know quite a lot of his past, but…"

"Nope." I shook my head, wanting to raise my hands to my ears, so that I wouldn't hear anything he had to say about that particular subject. "I don't want to know anything about his past. Nothing, nada, zip."

"But…" the Watcher looked perplexed.

"No buts. You say one word about him before he came to Sunnydale, and this discussion ends right here and now. I don't want to hear about it!"

I wasn't being paranoid here, I was just trying to protect us. It was quite obvious that in his century and half of terrorizing the world, Angel --or Angelus-- had been a mean bastard. I didn't want to know about it. Having heard bits and pieces about it when he had lost his soul again, was quite enough for me.

All right, so I was also jealous. He'd had lovers before me. Of course he had. But hearing about them wasn't the same as having a vague thought of them. The fact that his relationship with Drusilla hadn't been just platonic hadn't escaped me. If my lover had been involved with some other vampires, like ones with bleached hair and an attitude problem, I didn't want that information.

In some cases, ignorance really is bliss.

Giles adjusted his glasses, throwing a knowing look at me. Then he nodded. "All right. We won't go there." Grabbing the pen again, he asked, "Would you tell me more about food?"

It was probably just logical. After all, we'd talked about blood earlier, but it hadn't gotten really specific. I kinda wondered if Giles thought I had a problem talking about it.

I didn't. It didn't really matter that my meal from cows came in liquid form instead of me eating chunks of flesh. Sure, I'd been pretty disgusted with the whole idea at first, but I'd come to realize that to my kind, blood was food. It was life. And in the end, it really wasn't all that different from a burger.

"Yeah, sure. What do you want to know?"

We started out with the easy part, getting blood. Being a bit paranoid, I didn't give him all the details. I just told him vaguely about a butchers' that was open late. Giles found the fact that we didn't rob blood banks intriguing. I hadn't really thought about it before, but his raised eyebrows made me wonder if it had something to do with Angel's guilt about the killings last year. Didn't really care. Cow's blood was fine by me. The thought of eating human blood made me shiver.

At that point Giles assured me that his little stock came from a cow. I'd kinda thought so, after all the sniffing Angel had done before touching it.

Next came the taste of blood, which we had already talked about. Heating, storing, eating. I'd picked the term 'eating' from my lover. He seemed to resent the term 'drinking', and so I didn't use it unless I really needed to annoy him.

That surprised Giles. He scribbled it down frantically, as if it was some kind of a revelation. Maybe it was. Despite of all the centuries the Watchers have studied vampires, they apparently have a very Gothic and horror movie -ish view on the whole existence of us.

I bet that's what Masterson had expected. A black-haired guy in a cape, talking with a Bela Lugosi -accent, glowering madly and ogling at peoples' necks, making poorly veiled threats.

After eating was dealt with, we chatted about the difficulties of every night life. Ordinary mortals wouldn't believe how hard it really is to live --or not-- only at night. There are a few shops open past sunset even here, but they don't really sell quality stuff.

Fortunately we don't need all that much stuff. Mainly clothes and stuff to wash them with. I couldn't help smiling when we talked about clothes. It was an ongoing argument between Angel and me. He wanted me to wear black, preferably silk. I was comfortable with my old style.

Okay, I did wear his kinda clothes on occasion, but usually when I was trying to... Well, that was none of Giles' business, so I didn't go there.

"What about other necessities? Soap and shampoo for instance. Or... Um... Other necessities."

Since Giles didn't usually repeat himself that way, I guessed he was trying to ask something intimate. Grinning, I wondered if I should act like I didn't have a clue of what he meant, but the blush on his face was enough to keep me amused. "They sell all we need in that little supermarket near Bronze." That was good, except for the fact that one of my friends from school worked there occasionally. Buying lube from a complete stranger was _so_ much easier than it was from him.

That seemed to satisfy Giles.

Buffy came to drag Giles to have a cup of tea a bit later. We were both stunned to see that we'd been talking for almost three hours.

I stretched, trying to work out some kinks from my back. Then I walked slowly out of the office, wondering what the others were doing.

I couldn't see anyone but Angel. He was sitting at the table, browsing through a big book. I sneaked behind him, and read over his shoulder. "'The chosen one will need assistance, and so one of us must be there to guide her all the time.' What is that?"

Turning to glare at me, Angel replied, "It's a part of an old Watcher Oath. We're trying to find out if there's anything in the chronicles to help us in case Masterson's tests go wrong." He planted a kiss on my cheek and then went back to reading.

More studying. Great. But at least this information would be useful, unlike most of the stuff we learned in school. I looked around, trying to figure out what to do next. I could either join in the studying, or wait for Giles and then continue talking. The second option didn't really sound all that inviting. My throat was already raw. So studying it was.

Couldn't help ruffling Angel's hair before rushing to the safety of the bookshelves.

Most of the important books were behind the counter, but I knew that there were some volumes about vampires among the normal books. I strolled between the shelves for a moment, trying to locate some of the lighter books. All the ones Giles hid in his office were awfully heavy and profound. Just the kinds that always made me dizzy.

I gave up after a few minutes, realizing that I'd have to go and search the shelf of the really massive and dusty books. I was so lost in thoughts I almost bumped into Willow who was grouching by the shelf, scanning the names of the books.

"Oops. Sorry." Grinning, I moved my attention to the books.

"It's okay." The words came out softly, not the usual light tones. More like she was trying to speak when having that annoyingly tight feeling in her throat that came when you were about to start to cry.

Deciding it would be really rude to order her to swallow, I tried something more sensitive. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine, Xander." She sounded amused as she crawled a little to the left, running her fingers across the backs of the books. "Now stop bothering me."

At least she didn't tell me to be quiet. I really hate that. Deciding to leave her alone, I went to look for a relatively small book to read. Preferably one with lots of pictures and not all that much text.

After finding one, I turned around to leave the small area behind the counter, and once again bumped into Willow, this time stepping on her foot as well.

She growled at me.

I glanced at Willow's eyes, and shuddered as the usually gentle gaze was now turned into something wild. "Um, Will? I don't mean to scare you, or anything, but since when have you started to wear yellow contact lenses?"

"Tomorrow's the full moon." Her voice was low.

And that made it all okay? "So what? _Are_ those contacts?"

Hissing impatiently she shook her head, straightening her back so that we were now face to face. "I don't need glasses, Xander. I already told you, it's because of the full moon." Seeing my expression, she added, "And no, I haven't been bitten by anyone."

Well, that was a relief. For a second I'd thought there'd be another werewolf running around Sunnydale. What next? Wolf cubs?

There was a loud exclamation, and then quick steps echoed in the library. A second later the chair Angel had been sprawled on thumped on the ground as he hurried towards us.

"Xander, did you know that… Whoa!" Angel stopped in the middle of the sentence. It looked like he was sniffing something.

I took a deep breath, and then winced. Willow smelled just like a dog. Or maybe a wolf. "Geez, Will. You might want to spend less time with Oz at full moon. That smell is kinda obvious, you know?"

"Only to a vampire." She smiled strangely, her yellowish gaze moving from me to Angel. "Or a werewolf."

He grinned at her. "I guess congratulations are in order."

This time I was determined not to be left out of it. "Congratulations about what?"

Willow seemed to think about it for a moment, a really naughty grin appearing on her face. I wasn't really sure I even wanted to know when she said, "It's something that happens when your boyfriend's a werewolf. When it's the real thing and not just being smoochie-buddies with someone."

"Oh, another one of those true love -things." Nice. Something I knew about. Intimately.

We all grinned to each other. Even Angel. I took that as a good sign. Now he was able to relax with the whole gang instead of still being the strong silent type who mysteriously disappeared into the shadows after handing out some advice.

It meant that life --yeah, yeah-- would be definitely easier here. Even though it didn't exactly make waiting any easier. But at least the light conversation we kept up made the night seem shorter than it was.

Did Masterson contact us? Nope. We did as she asked and stayed in the library for nothing. Stupid games!

To make it clear that we were playing by the rules, Angel and I waited for the last possible minute, and then hurried home before the sun would rise and turn us into two piles of dust.

"Hungry?" Angel smiled a little as he asked me that. I realized that he'd probably tease me about it for at least a few centuries. That was definitely one of those thoughts that made me feel warm and shiver at the same time.

I nodded, following him to the kitchen. A quick glance from the doorway told me that the shades were firmly in place, and then I headed to the fridge.

Warm blood. For a vampire it tasted like ice-cream and pizza and popcorn all put into one neat liquid package. Hmph. Why didn't I think of that when Giles asked? Well, I guessed it was best if he didn't know.

Angel was still eating when I finished. He was watching me with a really strange expression on his face. Blinking a few times, I smiled at him, and then smirked. "I think I'll go and test that new soap. You know, the one I haven't tested yet. The one that should smell really nice on me. You know, me all naked."

I decided to leave it to that before I went from sexual innuendo to describing things explicitly, and hurried to the bathroom.

It hadn't been just a very bad attempt to do a perfect seduction-scene. It was time for a hot shower. After spending the night in the library, waiting for Masterson to show up, I was feeling really tense, and needed that kinda relaxation. Of course the fact that I rarely had to shower alone was also an inspiration.

Playing at school had been fun, but now I was thinking about getting a different kind of happy.

After rummaging through the closet, I grabbed a T-shirt and a pair of Angel's silk boxers, and headed towards the bathroom. I took out the new bottle of shower gel from the little cabinet, and then stripped. It was good to get clean again.

I'd only stood under the warm spray for a few minutes, when the door opened. As Angel tiptoed in, I felt shivers run down my spine. Not because I thought about the Bates-motel, though. Oh, I might scream in the shower later on, but not out of fear.

When I reached out my hand, he handed me the wash cloth, and then squeezed a large drollop of the shower gel on it. I smiled and started to wash myself. It was kinda fun to watch his reaction to that ordinary thing.

"Wouldn't you rather have me wash you?" He moved closer to me under the pounding water.

"Nah. I can do this myself." I couldn't resist the opportunity to tease him a little. "I have some other things in mind for you."

Angel smiled. "Let me guess. You want me to wash your back? Or do you want to wash me?"

That was tempting, but it wasn't the thing I was thinking. "Wrong on both accounts. I want you to wash my hair. Would you?" I smirked at his breathless look.

He didn't say anything. He just grabbed the bottle of shampoo, and then poured that scented stuff on his hands.

The first touch of his fingers made me groan. Yep. One of my better ideas.

"You really enjoy teasing me, don't you?" Angel sounded amused.

Teasing? Me? "Mmh." Oops. No matter how I tried to make that sound neutral, it came out as a smug little moan.

"I though so."

"But you love me anyway." At least it didn't sound like a question. I didn't really care that my smugness was even more apparent in the statement.

"Yes, I do." Angel brushed some of the lather off my forehead. "Nothing could change the way I feel about you."

I smiled at him, enjoying the way he massaged my scalp, spreading the shampoo through my hair. "You mean you'd still love me if I shaved my head?"

His hands stilled instantly. I grinned as he took a moment to clear his thoughts. "You're cruel, Xander. Just plain old cruel." He continued to wash my hair, the slow, circular motions of his fingers making me groan with pleasure again. "Just promise me one thing."

"What?" His request jolted me out of the haze. He really knew how to make me feel good.

"If you do shave off your hair, I'll get to wax your scalp."

I burst into laughter.

After another massage with the conditioner, and then rinsing, Angel insisted on drying me. I didn't mind at all, even though it took longer for him to dry me than it usually took me to take a shower, dress and finish my breakfast. He seemed to enjoy it, too. The soft, circular moves of the towel on my skin did dry me, but left me shivering in excitement.

There's definitely a cruel streak in my lover. He didn't toss the towel to the floor and touch me with his hands like I begged him to do. He just finished drying me, and then shooed me out of the bathroom with a smirk on his lips.

Muttering angrily, I stormed into the bedroom, yanking clean clothes from the closet. So he just wanted to tease me? Fine!

As the door behind me opened, I stilled, and no amount of annoyance could keep me from turning to watch Angel enter, wearing only a towel.

Sighing, I was glad I hadn't said anything. Apparently this was far from being over yet.

I watched Angel dry himself, the corner of the towel brushing his left nipple. It was a good thing I didn't need air, 'cause I would have probably choked at the sight. His little display was affecting me just the way he wanted. Yeah. I wasn't fooled for a second. Drying himself? Please! I know a seduction scene when I see one.

His actions were making him react too, and my eyes fell to his erection. I kept staring him for a long time, and then raised my gaze to his face.

"Xander..." He was blushing slightly.

I couldn't help grinning. "Angel..."

Swallowing convulsively, he spread his arms. "See anything you like?"

Yes. I could say that to myself now. I really did like to watch him like that, even touch him. And I loved it when he touched me. But that one little thing was still bothering me.

So it wasn't a little thing, really. Oh, ha ha. I mean, doing it wasn't all that easy. Allegedly some girls wouldn't even consider doing it. But Angel did more than just consider it. It even seemed he loved doing that to me, holding me in his hands, and then tasting me, making me crazy with just the thought of him actually sucking me off.

Why couldn't I do it to him? Why was it so damn hard? Difficult! Still, just the thought of kneeling in front of him and doing that to him made me... Hot. Turned on.

God. I wanted him so much my ears hurt.

Angel tilted his head, probably wondering why my eyes just swallowed half my face. He opened his mouth to say something, but only managed to whisper my name before I shook my head, needing him to be quiet. I didn't want any words to break the moment.

"There's nothing to worry about. Hush." I bit my lip, not knowing how to approach the subject exactly. "I love you."

His happy expression was probably the best encouragement I could have. Yeah. I loved him, and he loved me, and it was okay to do this.

But not while he was still staring at me. "Close your eyes."

A shiver went through his entire body, and there was a flicker of pain in his gaze. It was clear that something wasn't exactly right. It was easy to notice. The interest went down a little. Angel took a deep breath, and then slowly closed his eyes.

What did I say? Damn it, that guy had more sore spots than anyone I've ever known. Still, I didn't think it was a time for a talk, and I did what I'd planned to. Stepping closer to him, I slowly sank to my knees.

"God!" Angel gasped, as I steadied his cock with my hand and ran my tongue over it. His hands grasped my shoulders, and I could feel his gaze on my head. It didn't matter. Touching him this way wasn't all that difficult I'd thought, and the whole thought of him watching me do it was making me hard.

I licked him like he was a lollipop, finding it definitely easier to concentrate on what I was doing once the stupid grin was off my face. Strong hands landed on my shoulders, and grabbed a firm grip as Angel swayed a little.

Hot damn! Who would have thought it would be so much _fun_? I mean I had the guy trembling at my mouth. Well, my tongue. Curiosity won over the part that still went 'eww' at the thought of taking him inside, and I opened my mouth and sucked his erection in.

"Xander!" The hands on my shoulders tightened, and I could feel Angel start to tremble. Yeah, this was fun all right.

Something weird filled my senses, and I had to hold still for a moment when I realized that I was tasting him. Then, without even making the decision, I started to move my head again, needing to taste more of him. Okay, I have no idea of what other guys taste like, and I'm not going to find out, but Angel tasted just like his blood did. Something that was so perfectly him.

Soft, keening sounds were filling the room, and I couldn't help grinning. Okay, so maybe I didn't have the experience, but he really seemed to appreciate my efforts.

The sounds turned into a yelp. "Watch the teeth!"

I let go of him, blushing. "Sorry. Didn't mean to bite you." How embarrassing! I wasn't even wearing my game face. "I think I need to practice on this."

"Whatever you want, Xander." Angel smiled down at me. "It'll be my pleasure."

Mine, too. I felt his fingers brush my cheek, and then returned to my first lesson.

* * *

We didn't sleep all that much that day. I guess I got a bit obsessed with this new way of expressing my love. It's not that Angel had anything to complain about, though.

I was feeling happy as a clam the next evening, drumming the table with my fingers as the microwave hummed, warming our breakfast. Damn, I'd never felt like that, like I was home, somewhere I belonged, with someone to love. Not before moving in with Angel. He smiled openly at me as I sneaked over to kiss him on the cheek while our food was getting warm.

One peck on the cheek turned into a real smooch fest, and I almost burned our dinner. I'd done it once, when Angel had surprised me with the idea of having some steamy sex on the kitchen table.

Too bad I didn't know that turning the microwave dials to twenty minutes and letting the cup of blood stay in the oven for more than a few minutes made the thick liquid explode. Let me tell you something. Cleaning a microwave after an accident like that is really disgusting.

Keeping that in mind, I took the cups out before things could get out of hand.

No hot sex that evening. Just a nice breakfast. The two of us sitting there, chatting about shopping and maybe buying a car in the near future. Doing the things a real family did.

I loved it. Angel and I, a family. Not really the Brady bunch, but we were a happy little vampire family. It suited me perfectly.

Unfortunately our peaceful evening of happiness didn't last for long.

After I'd finished with washing the dishes, Angel went out to check the mail. I walked around the house aimlessly, wondering if I should clean a little. Strange how I'd never really paid attention to dust before. Back home... well, where I'd lived with mom and dad, I hadn't cared about the surroundings. Actually I'd spent as little time there as possible. Now I felt like a real homemaker.

Undoubtedly our friends would tease me if they knew about my thoughts. I didn't really care.

I was heading towards the cleaning closet as the phone rang.

"I'll get it!" Angel hollered, and then I could hear him pick up the receiver. Since I was focused on reaching the mop, I didn't tune into the conversation. The loud 'what?' came as a complete surprise.

Slamming the door closed, I hurried to the living room. Angel had already ended the call, and was staring at the phone with a horrified expression on his face. "We're in trouble!"

Dozens of terrifying images flashed through my mind. "What happened?" I didn't even have to ask if it had something to do with the Watchers.

"That was Giles. He's at the library and..." Muttering a few curses, Angel banged his hand on the table "Masterson's been at his house. She called him from there and told him that the second test has started."

I tried to figure out what that meant. Frowning, I realized that my mind was completely blank. "What good does it do to... Oh my god!" Of course. The unusual brightness shining from the night sky should have told me the answer. "Oz!"

It was the night of the full moon.

"Yeah. Oz." Angel growled, and then headed towards the door. I followed him without a word.

We'd talked about getting a car, but so far it had been just a matter of talk. I bet Angel regretted that as much as I did as we ran towards Giles' apartment. At least we had enough stamina to run all the way there.

If my heart had still been beating, it would have beaten twice the rate it usually did. Not just because of the running. For fear. Damn it! I knew it would be a bad idea to have Oz's secret out in the open. You couldn't really trust the Watchers. Well, except for Giles. He's the one who renovated his basement to hold the werewolf in the first place.

I just hoped it wouldn't now kill him.

"This is unbelievable!" Angel groaned as we reached our destination. "We're late _again_!"

The whole place was a mess. The front door was swinging on one hinge, looking like something had ran right through it. Two windows were broken, and the few bushes outside the house had been torn from the ground.

Over everything lingered a faint scent of blood. Human blood.

I didn't stop for a second. Yelling Giles' name, I rushed inside the house. An overwhelming smell of a wild animal almost floored me, and a swayed against the wall, telling myself to stop breathing. It was still something I had to consciously remind myself to do, especially when I was upset.

"Xander? Oh, Angel! Thank god you're here!" It was Buffy's voice. I looked at the kitchen doorway, and smiled as I saw her, Willow and Giles all heading towards us. The smile disappeared as I saw Masterson following them, looking a little shaken.

"Are you all right?" Angel's eyes focused on the bandage on Giles' arm. The scent of blood came from there.

Giles nodded. "I'm all right. It's just a scratch."

"What happened here?"

With one last worried look at Giles, Buffy turned to Angel. "We just came here. Apparently something went wrong and Oz managed to get away." She frowned. "I'm not sure I get that, though. He's never been able to even dent the bars before. Not to mention open the lock on the door."

"That is not important." Gemma Masterson raised her voice from behind the others. "Your task now is to..."

"Don't you dare to tell us what to do!" We all jumped at the tone of Giles' voice. He'd lowered himself on a chair, probably feeling a little woozy, but now he turned to glower at the other Watcher. "You called to get me here, because you knew what was about to happen. _You_ let him get away from the cellar, didn't you?"

She didn't even try to deny it. "Yes." Taking a few steps towards the door, she drew in a deep breath, as if she was going to say something. She didn't get the chance to make any comments, though.

Buffy spun the Watcher around. "Do you have any idea of what you've done? You let a werewolf loose on the streets! We're supposed to make the place safe for the people! You took an _oath_ to fight against the darkness!"

"I never thought he'd escape from here!" Masterson stammered, her face gone white. The Slayer's words had hit her hard. "He was supposed to be secure in the house! The Wolfsbane spell should have ensured that. I followed the Council's instructions to the letter."

I saw Angel's face twitch, feeling the same kind of a movement on mine. How could such an educated woman be so stupid?

Apparently he had the same thoughts, for he growled, "Don't they teach you Watchers how to think? Of course Oz would escape if he had the chance! A spell? Spells don't work with werewolves. That's why we have to lock him up every full moon. The instincts are just too strong."

"I'm not an expert with lycantrophia! I specialize in vampires."

The look on Buffy's face was full of hatred. "Then you should have stuck with your field of expertise. If something happens to Oz, I won't step in Willow's way. And believe me, you don't want to see her angry." She helped Giles to his feet and then headed to the door. "Let's go and get the tranquilizer gun from the library. We might be able to catch Oz before something happens."

Oddly enough, Willow had been quiet the whole time. She didn't even look all that worried. When we all hurried out of the house, she lifted her head like she'd just heard something. I concentrated on my hearing, and then shivered. It seemed that we wouldn't have the time to go anywhere.

"Guys! It's too late. He's here." The howling was getting closer. When I turned to look at the direction of the sound, I saw a dark figure on the road about three hundred feet from us. "Angel? Can we grab him so that no one gets hurt?"

He shook his head, a strange look on his face. "I don't think so."

The others had seen Oz too. I could smell the fear from the mortals. Giles straightened himself and ordered, "All right. Everybody back inside the house. Right now." He eyed at the door and the broken windows, probably wondering how we could keep Oz out.

"We have to do something!" Buffy glanced at Willow, her eyes full of sadness. "If he stumbles into anyone, he _will_ kill. Can you… Willow?"

Smiling slightly, my oldest friend pushed by Buffy and walked the few steps down from the porch. She didn't seem to hear our yells, or maybe she didn't care.

There was another sound in the night now besides our voices. Oz raised his head and howled, the sound making shivers run down my spine. Creature of the night or not, the desperation in that wail really got to me. Even more so, as he lowered his muzzle a moment after the sound died in his throat, and then the young werewolf started towards Willow.

Angel's hand grabbed my arm, as I tried to run to her. I struggled against his grip for a moment, even though I knew he wouldn't let go. "Damn you, Angel! She'll _die_! We must do something!"

"There's nothing we can do." The answer came from Giles. "It's too late."

So it was. Oz was now only a few yards from Willow. My gaze was blurred by hot tears. Damn it. Damn Masterson and all the Council to hell. If my friend died, I'd make sure they'd all suffer.

"Wills..." She was my oldest and best friend. I didn't even remember the time I hadn't known her. All those years spent living in an ice cube laughingly called home, I'd had just one warm thing in my life. Other guys had made fun of me when we'd been just kids, but I hadn't listened to that ridicule. They didn't understand anything anyway. Those idiots had no idea what true friendship meant.

And now I'd see my friend die right in front of us.

I wiped my eyes with my sleeve, and then gasped as Willow knelt down. I could clearly hear her voice call for Oz. Partly with words, but also with soft yelps. It sounded almost like she was talking in some animal language. Her hand was outstretched to Oz, and when the werewolf finally closed into her, he nuzzled against the hand instead of biting it. Willow didn't stop talking for a moment, but her voice became softer, like a caress. Her hand moved softly over Oz's furry head, and then she got to her feet.

Her hand was rested lightly on the wolfboy's neck as she raised her voice slightly, "It's all right now. We'll go out for a little walk, and come back when the sun rises. I'll keep him out of trouble." With that, she turned the piercing yellow gaze back to Oz, and then the two of them walked away from the house.

I realized I was trembling, and turned blindly to hug Angel. "Yes!"

He held me against his chest, his hand brushing the back of my head. "Yeah. They're both safe now." For some strange reason, he didn't sound all that surprised.

After one more squeeze I let him go, and turned to look at the others. Buffy was standing right next to Giles, her face white as chalk, but looking happy. Behind her, Masterson was staring at the road with her mouth hanging open.

Giles looked stunned. "My God! I never thought the legends were real!"

"What legends?" My voice cracked a little. I was so happy to see that everything was all right, I wanted to scream! Or maybe tackle Angel and maul him right there in front of everyone.

"It's said, that if a werewolf finds a true mate, a part of him transfers to the human when they have…" Giles blushed. "Um... When they form a physical bond. Looks like it's true. Willow has the power over Oz's instincts."

Cool. A witch and a Wolf Lady? That's my Willow. Well, Oz's Willow anyway. "Way to go, Will!"

Suddenly we were all laughing. The relief washed over me, as I realized that my friends wouldn't have to worry all that much anymore. Willow would probably be able to stop Oz from hurting anyone again.

Time to relax.

When the laughter ended, we were still grinning at each other. Right until I remembered that there was one among us who didn't belong there, and focused my gaze on her. The others followed my gaze, and I could see the smiles die out.

Buffy took a deep breath, and then let it out. "Ms. Masterson. The tests end now."

"But the Council…"

"Screw the Council!" The Slayer growled. She closed her eyes, trying to calm herself before continuing, "You failed. I won't let a bunch of idiots to guide me. If the Watchers insist that I prove myself to them by letting one of my friends die, I don't want anything to do with them."

Masterson glanced at Giles. "Rupert. You can't let her…"

Giles shook his head. "I don't tell her what to do. She's the Slayer. I just help her do her job. If she says she doesn't want to be tested, she means that. Let it be."

"But if she denounces the Watchers, she'll denounce you too!" The woman was getting desperate. "Is that what you want?"

"No!" Buffy and Giles said in unison. Then they turned to stare at each other.

Giles shook his head. "Even if she wants nothing to do with the Watchers, she won't lose me. I'll rather leave the Watchers than her. My place is at Buffy's side."

Averting her eyes from him, Buffy turned back to Masterson. "I suggest you leave now, and let the Council hear what I just said. But remember this. No more tests. No more threats. If you really want me to handle all the dark forces here in the Hellmouth, you'll let me do it in peace." Her voice dropped a notch. "With Giles."

The female Watcher nodded slightly and then walked to her car. I don't think any of us felt bad as she drove away. She'd asked for it.

As the car pulled off, Giles let out a deep sigh. I glanced at him, and then at Angel, who was shaking his head slightly. I took that as a sign to keep my mouth shut. I could do that, especially when I saw Buffy look at Giles, looking worried.

"Are you all right?" The usually so chirpy voice was subdued.

Giles nodded absentmindedly. When there was a silence after that, he sighed again, and then replied, "I am. It was my decision, and I'll stand behind it. I prefer her leaving than risking any of your lives again."

"You might lose your job for this." Buffy sounded worried.

Her Watcher shrugged. "I don't really care. There's always a job for someone with my background. This is not the end of the world."

Did that make her feel good? Of course not. "But you spent so many years studying to become a Watcher. This really sucks! If they fire you..."

"It changes nothing!" Giles said firmly. "Yes, I did spend years studying, but not to be able to call myself a Watcher, but to help you be a Slayer. That won't change. I'll still be here with you. Nothing can stop that."

A few more lines like that, he could become a pretty good Harlequin writer. Not to say that I'd think that's literature or anything. But he sounded pretty good with that. Smooth. No babbling.

"Thank you, Giles." Buffy looked into his eyes, and then lowered her gaze to the ground. I noticed that he did the same.

Clearing his throat, Giles took a step closer to his broken door. "You're welcome. Now I think I'll have to think of a way to fix this for the night..." He muttered something to himself, clearly stating that it was time to end the conversation.

So we'd all go home now, and then face new bad guys tomorrow. Not likely! "Come on, guys! What's the problem here?"

Giles stilled in a very awkward looking position. He craned his neck, to aim a frown at me. "What do you mean?"

"Are you really gonna act like you don't care? That you're just here to help the Slayer do her work? You two are even more obvious than Angel and me!" Muttering a few dirty words, I glared at Buffy. "You love him. He loves you. Now you can either go home and mope about it like you've done for weeks now, or you can go back inside with him and do the same thing we're gonna do as soon as we find a vacant bed."

Angel's soft snort of laughter was the first thing to break the shocked silence. "Xander, I love you, but you really have no discretion in you!"

That didn't matter. "Come on, you said it yourself that you're tired of watching those two act like fools."

"What?" Buffy whispered. Her eyes were enormous as she looked at Angel. "How? Why?"

He smiled at her. "I have eyes. You two look at each other the way lovers do."

"But… But we're not. I'm her Watcher! It would be wrong of me to engage a romantic relationship with her! She's barely eighteen and I'm…" Giles' rambling was cut by a slender hand raised to his lips.

"I know all that. What I don't know is, do you love me? _Really_ love me?"

Giles nodded. "More than life itself."

I held my breath --well, would have, if I still needed to breathe-- as Buffy lowered her hand and then wrapped her arms around Giles. When he bent down and kissed her upturned face, I had to bite my lip to prevent from screaming, 'Finally!'

When the two parted for air, I turned to see Angel smile at the two of them. "You okay?"

"More than just okay." His voice was gentle. "I'm happy for them. And I know they can make each other happy."

I grinned. It was so good to see that he wasn't a least bit jealous. "Yeah. And to think that they would have kept pining over each other without my help."

"That's quite enough, Xander." Giles probably aimed for a stern voice, but the smile was audible in it. "I appreciate your help, but I think we can manage from here on."

Buffy smirked wickedly. "Yep. We'll manage. Good night, boys. Sleep well."

"I'd say the same, except I know it would be useless." I enjoyed seeing them both blush.

It didn't last for long, though. Or maybe it did. I couldn't really see their faces all that well, when they were pressed against each other. When it became apparent that our presence was really not welcome anymore, Angel grabbed my hand and pulled me to the yard. Buffy and Giles disappeared inside the house, but I could still hear her whisper him that she loved him.

Love. Yeah, the best thing there is. 'Cause all the other stuff, like smoochies and the hot sex --and I was _so_ not thinking about Buffy and Giles having it-- kinda came with it. One big package.

Still feeling a bit smug, I grinned at Angel. "That seems to be the end of that particular problem. What now?"

"Now we go home." Holding out a hand, he grabbed mine, and then started to steer me away from Giles' house. "Once we get there, we'll take the phone off the hook, and spend at least two days in bed."

I think that's the best proposal I'd had for ages. "Okay."

We walked through the now quiet streets of Sunnydale, the full moon glowing above our heads. It was peaceful. Things had definitely taken a turn for the better. No matter what the Watchers would do, we knew that things wouldn't really change all that much, especially now that I'd succeeded on getting the Slayer and her Watcher together. I didn't think you could pry those two apart even with a tire iron.

Everyone was happy. Buffy had Giles. I had Angel. And even though for a moment it had seemed like Willow would lose her lover, it had ended...

Wait a minute!

"You knew!" Stopping right there in the middle of the street, I turned to face Angel. All I could think of was that he wouldn't have been so damn calm if he had believed that Oz was a danger to us all.

He stumbled a little. "What?"

"About Oz. And Willow!" I glowered at him. "You knew all along that she wasn't in danger? And you didn't _tell_ me?"

"I thought you knew." He searched my expression, and then sighed. "I met Oz a few weeks after he'd first changed. It was full moon, so he wasn't exactly human. We stared at each other over a..." He shook his head. "Well, anyway, we both walked away without a scratch. I knew I could stop him tonight if Willow couldn't."

Oh. Grabbing his hand, I continued to walk in silence. After Oz had been bitten? That meant it hadn't been my Angel who'd met with the wolfboy. "Okay." Feeling him squeeze my hand, I was glad I'd decided not to ask any more questions. I did give him a hug, though.

"Those two are happy together. They'll probably get married some day, have a few puppies, and buy themselves a big house somewhere. American dream, isn't it? A white picket fence, two point four kids, a house full of laughter. Wolf hair all over the place and padding of tiny paws."

 

That might be the perfect life for Wills, but for me, a quiet place for me and my fellow vampire was a dream come true. It would be enough to be Uncle Xander to the kids my friends would produce some day. And that would be in the distant future.

Peace and quiet. I could finally just be with Angel , without having to worry about Watchers or deranged vampires or anything. "At least now everything's okay." I couldn't help feeling smug about it.

Angel nodded, a content little smile on his lips.

As I snuggled closer to him, I heard a faint howling coming from the direction of the cemetery. Oz. Even his wolfish song sounded happy. Yep. Everything was more than okay.

Hellmouth? Nah. This place was more like the Loveboat. Well, on dry land, that is.

I could live with that. Feeling too content to even form a mental joke about being death with it, I followed Angel home.

* * *

Two nights after the full moon, Buffy dusted a vampire at the cemetery.

They were back. Well, it would have been foolish to wish that Hellmouth was removed from the demonic tourist guide.

Back to patrolling.

I was once again walking through the streets, looking for guys with fangs, a few stakes in my pockets. Without the sound of a heartbeat, I might even manage to sneak up behind a vamp and dust them before they saw me coming. Or heard me coming, actually.

It was never fun to patrol alone. We didn't usually do that, but this was a special occasion. Buffy and Giles were finishing the report to the other Watchers about Angel and me. My partner in crime was at Bronze, trying to find out if the place was safe for all the youngsters who went there after dark.

Great, now I was beginning to sound like Angel. 'Youngsters'?

Anyway, I was keeping an eye on the graveyard, waiting for him to join me. It wasn't all that interesting, and I spent a lot of the time trying to amuse myself by something. Actually, my activities might sound a little macabre, but counting the headstones and listening for rats were the only things I could think about. After all, even a vampire might be bored to death, if he had to spend a whole night alone on a cemetery. At least this vampire would.

I focused on the padding of tiny feet somewhere near the mausoleum. A few rats were scurrying across the graveyard. I wondered if they were the same creatures Angel had fed that night I'd spent brooding. Could be. But then again, there were lots of rats in Sunnydale. What were the odds of them being our rats?

Then there was a sound that was definitely not coming from a rat.

"Yikes! A real vampire!" A woman's voice yelled from behind a few bushes.

I ran towards the sound, squeezing the stake in my hand hard.

The vampire looked like he'd just risen from the grave. He probably had. Looking like a zombie, he was stalking a young girl, his arms outstretched, his eyes gleaming mad. Damn, it looked stupid. "Hey, bozo!"

He turned to me, looking startled. I recognized him as one of the players in the school's basketball team. Yep. He was new all right.

"You're a vampire, not a zombie!" I couldn't keep the laughter completely out of my voice. "You don't have to act that way. You can just grab her and eat."

"Thanks, man." He grinned, his fangs flashing in the faint glow from the streetlamps.

"Don't mention it." Could you believe that? What a _jerk_. I took a better hold on the stake. "Then again, you could just continue your rest." Without bothering to waste more time with him, I dusted him.

The young vampire had a look of utter astonishment on his face as he fell down and turned to dirt.

At least that one wouldn't be able to hurt anyone. The town was once again a safer place to live. For all the mortals, even for this pretty girl. I walked to her, wondering what on earth was she doing at the cemetery in the middle of the night.

"Are you okay?" I leaned down to see if she was hurt.

Did she appreciate my concern? I don't think a kick in the ribs would be considered as a thank you in any polite society, so I'd have to answer no.

While I was rolling on the ground, holding my chest and fighting against the urge to scream, she climbed to her feet. Glaring at me, she began to brush dirt off her pants.

"Do you have any idea of what you just did?" Her voice was tense. "Do you have _any_ idea of how long I had to wait here to find him?"

"What did I do? I just saved your life! That other vampire was just about to kill you!"

She stopped shaking her jacket and glared at me. "Shows what you know about vampires."

"I know all I need to know."

"Really?" The girl pulled something from her pocket and waved it in front of my face. "See, so do I. I wasn't all helpless here."

Seeing the familiar shape of a cross, I backed away from her. "Hey! Watch it!"

"It's just a cross, you idiot. Not a gun."

"Shows what _you_ know about vampires!"

I had a second to regret that before she made her move. Her eyes squinted, and then the cold metal burned my skin as she flung the cross at me. This time I couldn't keep the scream inside, and as I fell, I let out a yelp. I was so shocked by her actions, I didn't notice the spade she'd grabbed until it slammed to my temple.

Then I couldn't notice anything, as all the lights went off.

* * *

The first thing I noticed as I came back to my senses was that everything hurt. My ears were still ringing from the hit to the head. My arms hurt, too. It didn't take long for me to realize why. As I tried to move, I heard chains rattle.

Someone had chained me to the wall.

I wasn't exactly new to being kidnapped, so I didn't do anything stupid like start screaming at the top of my lungs. I stopped rattling the chains, and opened just one eye to see where I was and who'd attacked me. The first wasn't all that easy to answer, since it was your ordinary basement, almost identical to the one Masterson had locked us in. The second however wasn't all that tricky. My kidnapper was standing on the other side of the room, humming something to herself as she was fiddling with some stuff on a table.

Black hair, pink sweater and black leather pants. Yep, that was definitely the same girl I'd rescued from the vampire earlier.

"What the hell is going on in here?" I snarled that even as I yanked my chains. It was really disappointing to notice that I couldn't just free myself that easily. The chains were strong enough to keep me safely tied to the wall.

I was getting really annoyed. No matter how I struggled, the chains didn't budge. It was funny how quickly I'd gotten used to being stronger than an average human, but even a vampire couldn't break these chains.

The girl had spun around at the sound of my voice, and she was now grinning at me. "Cool, you're awake. I didn't know how long you'd be unconscious, and I was a little afraid I'd hit you too hard, but then again it was just your ordinary spade. Not a cross or a stake." Her voice was really high and she seemed to be really excited about something.

"I'm okay." I growled, moving my arms a little. "And for your information, I'm one of the good guys here, so you can get these off me." The rattling of the chains was really starting to annoy me.

She frowned a little. "Good guys? But you're a vampire! I know it, I tested you. Your skin burned when I touched you with a cross."

That explained some of the aching. "Yeah, okay so I'm a vampire. But I'm a good one!" Who the hell was she? I thought she had to be at least a couple of years younger than me. Not from around here, even though she really tried to talk like us. Us? Californians.

"I don't care." She smiled. "As long as you're a vampire, that's enough for me."

Enough for what? Had something happened to Faith? Was she a Slayer? But why on earth would I still be alive if she was?

"I say, I was rather stunned to see that other fellow rise from his grave." Her phony accent slipped when she went on. "To think that mother's known about this all along and never went out to really look for you." There was contempt in her voice. "If I'd known that vampires really exist, I wouldn't have just written about them."

Mother? Who was she? Something about her was familiar, but I couldn't pinpoint what it was. There was something in her voice, and the scent... For a moment she'd sounded almost like Giles. And faintly even smelled... It couldn't be! "Are you Gemma Masterson's daughter?"

"You know my mum?" She cocked her head, looking pleased. "Yes, I'm Christine Masterson."

I didn't really care who she was. I just wanted her to let me go.

I was quiet for a moment and continued only when I was sure that my voice wouldn't tremble. "If you want to kill me..."

"Kill you?" Her laughter cut my sentence. "Oh no, my dear vampire. I don't want to kill you, I want to _be_ you."

Be me? What the hell was she talking about? "How could you be..." Then it dawned on me. "No! No way!"

"Oh, yes," she purred.

She wanted to be a vampire? Why? Didn't she know what vampires were like? The fact that Angel and I had our souls didn't mean that others would. Not even the ones we made. There were too many things that might go wrong. I knew it, we'd talked about it many times with Angel. No matter how good Willow was in putting spells on people, we just couldn't risk it.

No more new vampires. Not strangers, not our friends. "Why the hell would you want to be a vampire?" I was sure none of my friends would take the offer if I volunteered to turn them. I knew that because asking Angel to bite me was the most difficult decision of my life. If the world hadn't been in danger of going to hell --again-- I would have rather died.

The fact that everything had turned out fine was truly a miracle.

There was a mad glow in the girl's eyes. "I've always wanted to be a vampire. Even before I found out that you guys really exist. When I stumbled onto mum's journals, it was like getting myself a gold mine. To have that chance to finally be a..."

"A bloodsucking fiend from hell?"

My sarcasm didn't work. Christine just shook her head, looking like a teacher who's a bit disappointed on the student. "No, you silly! A strong, sexy creature of the night. It'll be so cool to be able to live forever and do whatever I want to. Not to mention all the blokes I'll be able to get! I bet that when I'm a vampire, I'll be mysterious enough for them."

Okay... She was definitely crazy. Did she really think that turning into a vampire would be a help to her love life?

"So will you? Turn me into a vampire, I mean." She batted her eyelashes at me. "Please?"

I didn't even have to think about it. Since we still had no idea of why I had my soul, I wasn't about to risk unleashing a 'real' vampire to hunt in Sunnydale. And to tell the truth, she was annoying the hell out of me. "No."

"Oi, that's not fair!" Christine actually stomped her foot.

If I wasn't chained to the wall, I would have doubled over with laughter. "Life isn't fair. And neither is death." What a moron!

She flung her hair away from her face, and for the first time I could her face well. She was one of those who seemed to think that more was better, at least when talking about make-up. I never really understood the Gothic look. "Are you sure you wouldn't like to bite me?"

"Yes." Thank you very much for the offer, but no thank you!

"Too bad." She walked to the table. There were a few magazines there, and a backpack that looked like a teddy bear. Since there was nothing she could do to me with a magazine, I assumed she'd go for teddy. I was right.

The chains rattled again, as I tried to get free. If anything, I was persistent.

"I know all about vampires and how to become one." She rummaged through her bag and then pulled something out. When I saw the saw-edged kitchen knife, I swallowed, but didn't make a sound. "First you must drink my blood. Then I'll drink yours."

Oh, crap! She was _crazy_! Grimacing, she cut her own arm, her knuckles white as she deliberately made the cut so deep that blood almost spurted out of it. My gaze focused on the wound immediately, my mind cataloguing all the facts. That she hadn't hit a major artery, that in just minutes the blood would stop flowing, the deep, dark crimson color of the thick, delicious liquid... Oh eww! Bad thought! It'd be good to just look away now.

I did my best not to breathe, but some vampiric instinct took over when the scent of blood floated towards me. The gash in her arm wasn't just a scratch, the scent was strong, reminding me of the fact that I hadn't eaten for hours.

But that hadn't been human blood.

At first I'd thought that it didn't matter where it came from, but when I had the chance to taste more than just cow blood, I'd realized that every species had its own specific flavor. It wasn't all that clear, but noticeable. It always tasted good, though. That scent that surrounded me was definitely different from cow's blood. Rich, dark scent. Something I could almost taste.

Something I wanted to taste.

I didn't plan the move, but suddenly the chains went taut again. There was a sound of laughter as I struggled to get to the source of that _wonderful_...

The thought of what caused the need cleared my mind a little. Blood. Human blood. "No, I can't do this." My voice held huge quantities of desperation. Or maybe it was the change on my visage that made my words sound so odd.

"Yes, that's it. I knew you'd get into this, too. Nice fangs, by the way."

That scent became overwhelming when she stepped even closer to me. My whole being throbbed with the need to taste her blood, to feel her heartbeat inside of me. Somewhere inside my mind there was a small part that felt disgusted about the whole thing, but a bigger part agreed that this was what my existence meant. This was natural for me.

If she really wanted me to drink from her, why should I refuse? That was easy to answer. I might accidentally drain her. Kill her. And even if I'd bring her back, lives would be lost. There would just be one more vampire in the world for Buffy to slay. Soul or no soul, I had the hunch that she wouldn't settle for eating animals.

Her hand rose to caress my cheek. I felt her warm blood on my face. It was too much. Blindly, I turned my face to the left, reaching out for that sweet liquid that was driving me insane. My world had became a red haze, the bleeding wound its center. As I opened my mouth, my teeth scraped my lips, but I didn't care about that. In just seconds I'd be beyond all pain or discomfort. Even though I'd never tasted another living being, I just knew that the taste of her would make me swoon.

This was right. The only truth there was. She was offering me something I couldn't live without. Her blood, her life. I was a vampire. To me blood was life. Whatever she did when she became a vampire wasn't really my concern. After all, all vampires kill. All the ones I'd slain or seen had killed. The Master had killed, Thorwald had killed. Even Angel...

" _No_!" I yanked my head away a fraction of a second before my mouth could close over her wound. Panting hard, I tried to calm myself, holding onto the only thought that had kept me from losing myself. Angel. He'd never killed a human being. The one who had, was Angelus. The soulless monster I hated. I didn't want to become anything like him.

Christine tried to force me to take her, smearing the blood all over my face. I could feel it run down my chin. The small, but still clearly audible --at least to me-- sound of the droplets dribbling on my chest was maddening, but not overwhelming anymore.

When she tried to open my mouth, I aimed a kick to her ribs, enjoying the sound of all the air leaving her lungs as she landed on the floor.

She glared at me, but didn't get closer again. "You may fight now, but you can't fight forever. I have time to wait until you get hungry. Then nothing will keep you from drinking from me."

I knew she was right, and prayed that somehow Angel and the others would find me before that happened.

* * *

Since there was no way to know what the time was, I had no idea of how long we were in that small room. It seemed like eternity, though.

Thinking about Angel helped a lot. So did the fact that I wasn't all that hungry. It was far from easy, but I managed to keep the urge to feed from her in check for a long time.

Until I got hungry.

I don't think words can truly describe how I felt when I realized that no matter how strong my will power was, sooner or later my instincts would drive me to do something horrendous. Sure, Christine was now sitting on the table, glowering at me and sulking, but when I lost it, I'd beg for her to come to me.

Before I became a vampire, I had no idea how strong the hunger for blood really was. I mean, I'd been hungry when I was still a mortal, and it didn't kill me. In fact, when Cordelia was getting all enthusiastic about the idea of fasting, I spent two whole days without eating to see what it was like. I'd thought _that_ was bad. Compared to what I felt when I went for half a day without blood, that was a piece of cake.

The only solution my mind could conceive was to kill myself. After all, I would come back, wouldn't I? That was the whole idea of being a vampire. Immortality. But if I banged my head against the wall hard enough, I could postpone the moment when I lost myself.

Yeah. If I killed her, I'd lose everything. Even if taking a life wouldn't make me lose my soul, all the things I cared of would be lost. If I became a murderer, I couldn't face my friends, not to mention Angel, ever again.

Thinking about him made it easier to decide what to do. No matter what I lost there, I'd still have his love and respect. I would _not_ let Christine Masterson take that away from me.

I moved my chin forward, so it touched my chest. One quick jerk backwards, and I should be able to crack my skull. Not exactly a happy thought, but in that situation, it was the only thing I could do. I couldn't wait for longer. If I got hungry --I mean really hungry-- I might not be able to resist the scent of the blood.

My suicidal plans were interrupted by a loud bang on the door. I raised my gaze up from the floor, staring at the heavy iron door, which suddenly didn't look all that secure anymore. It looked like all the hell was banging on it.

All the hell, in the form of one desperate man.

There was a short silence, and I could smell something strange. Almost like one of those weird concoctions we used to burn in our chemistry classes. A very familiar feminine voice muttered a few words in some weird language. Then there was a soft 'click' as the lock opened, a trickle of liquid oozing from the keyhole. Yep. Chemistry and magic equals a free vampire.

Christine's eyes were huge as she stared at the door. She blinked a few times as she realized her plan had gone wrong, and then rushed towards me, the knife still in hand. Maybe she thought she could do something with it, to threaten me or something. I never really found that out, for she didn't get even close to me.

A whirlwind of leather clad fury burst into the room. Sharp fangs glinted in the fluorescent light as Angel turned to look at me, his gaze gliding over me, as if to check if I was really safe. I smiled at him, knowing that everything was all right. He let out a small sound, and then moved faster than a human eye could see, grabbing a hold of my kidnapper when she'd taken only a few steps towards me.

There was an agonized yelp, that echoed in the room as my lover yanked the knife out of Christine's hand. She looked actually shocked that he'd act so violently. What did she expect? That he'd give her a pat on the head and ask her to please not to kill me?

Angel pinned her against the wall, holding her by the throat. I'd never seen him like that before, not when Buffy had been in danger, not even when he'd been Angelus. His game face held no resemblance to the face of my love. It was all rage. Cold rage.

A small sound made me look at the door. The others stood there, obviously shocked by what was going on. Gemma Masterson was standing right behind Giles, who was blocking the doorway, keeping her away from the room. That was very good. I didn't think Angel could control his anger if she tried to do something foolish.

Christine was staring the mad vampire in front of her straight in the eyes. "You don't scare me!" The slight tremor in her voice spoke otherwise.

"Then you're a fool! You should be _very_ afraid."

The girl shuddered.

Glancing at me, Angel continued. "He's very important to me. You touch him, I hurt you." Angel's words were just a growl. "You hurt him..." He left it hang there.

"You what?"

His eyes were two fiery orbs. "I kill you." His mouth opened, showing his fangs as he lowered his head. A moment before those two sharp teeth could touch her skin, he whispered, "Did you hurt him?"

There was a silence. I could see doubt in Christine's eyes, as well as a huge amount of healthy fear. Angel succeeded in something I'd tried in vain for a long time, he was scaring the hell out of her. Finally something was getting through to her.

"No." She whispered, almost trying to meld through the wall. "Tell him, Mr. Vampire! Tell him I didn't hurt you!"

So inside all that bullshit, she was just a scared little girl, who had seen one too many vampire movie. "It's all right, Angel. She's just confused. She didn't really hurt me."

Angel didn't move. "You look pretty bad from here. Are you _sure_ she didn't hurt you?"

Before I could answer, Christine let out a sob. "Mommy!" She seemed to turn into jello, and when Angel let go of her, she sank to the floor.

"Chrissie!" Gemma Masterson hurried to her daughter, holding out her hand as the girl started to cry in earnest.

Christine flung herself to her mother's arms, whimpering something. That view was blocked by a strong body, and then I was enfolded into an embrace, too. Angel's strong arms pulled me against his chest, his tight grip holding me like he was afraid I'd disappear if he let go.

"My hero," I muttered into his ear. Feeling the death grip loosen a little, I planted a kiss on his neck.

His breath brushed against my cheek as he gasped, "I could have lost you. If she'd harmed you in any way, I would have lost everything!"

I guess I should have been shocked of what he clearly meant by that, but I wasn't. His words made me feel warm inside. That wasn't a small thing for a vampire, you know. "Hey, I'm right here. And I'm not gonna go anywhere."

"Alexander…" Angel whispered, moving his head so that he could kiss me on the lips.

It didn't matter that I was still chained to the wall. I answered his kiss and used my right leg to pull him closer to me. Feeling a bit dizzy from all the fear, I couldn't even worry about the fact that we weren't exactly alone. The chains on my wrists rattled, as I tried to move my hands to grab him, to get closer to him.

Even though I couldn't reach him, he definitely could reach me, and his arms tightened around me. I was safe. Good god, I was safe! No matter what would happen next, at least I wouldn't have to kill anyone. And I was held by someone I loved more than anything. Wrenching my mouth away from his for a second, I managed to rasp, "I love you!"

Angel made a growling sound somewhere deep in his throat, and I could feel his face twist again, against mine. Our fangs clashed while we kissed, and then my feet were lifted off the floor. Yep, he sure as hell has a good grip. At least when he's holding my butt, grinding us together.

"Ahem!"

The dry reminder of the guys standing at the doorway made me flinch. Angel stopped squirming, too. We stood there, twined together, and tried to calm ourselves. The whole thing with the Mastersons wasn't over yet. I needed to eat, and we all needed to talk.

I raised my head from Angel's shoulder. Who the hell was I trying to kid anyway? "Could you people wait outside? Like, for a minute or two?"

Buffy was the only one to blush. She let Giles guide her away from the doorway, following all the others. The last thing I heard before the Watcher slammed the heavy door shut, was her giggling, "Bondage fun, anyone?"

Well, since I was still in chains...

"Xander..." Angel was clearly trying to calm down. "Do you have any idea where the keys are?"

What keys? Oh, to the chains. Right. Wait! Wrong! He wanted to open the chains? Bad idea. Actually, I had a better one.

Holding onto him even tighter with my legs, I used the cuffs as leverage and started to move against him. "No keys. We don't need them!"

Angel's gaze was the deepest gold I'd ever seen. He stared right into my eyes, completely still. Then he smiled and thrust against me again. I was beyond smiling already. Not beyond aiding him with thrusting, though.

Yes!

Life --death-- did _not_ get better than this!

* * *

After the disaster at Prom night, the School Board had decided to arrange a big ball for all the graduates, the night before Graduation. Like Prom2, the Revenge of the Spiked Punch. This time without the guy with the chainsaw, though. Our lives resembled a horror movie even without real people going nuts all around us.

It was the last chance to be together with my High School friends. Well, I for one wasn't saddened at all by the fact that the school was finally over.

The place was packed. It almost reminded me of Prom night, when all girls had been in pretty dresses and guys in tuxedoes, looking really uncomfortable. I hadn't been an exception. Damn those things are tight in all the wrong places. For a moment I imagined having to wear them for all eternity like some deranged Dracula impersonator. Then I shook my head. Jeans and a shirt were just fine for this vampire, thank you very much.

At least there was no need for a formal attire this time, even though our dear stuffy Principal had hinted that it was preferable.

I smiled at Principal Snyder, the smile widening into a grin as he scowled at me. At least I wouldn't have to listen to him anymore. Freedom, sweet freedom. When I spotted Willow and the others at the far side of the newly decorated 'ballroom', I headed that way.

"Xander!" Buffy waved at me.

Giles turned to glance at me, and then returned his full attention to Buffy. Willow and Oz had similar knowing smirks on their faces. I winked at my best friend. It hadn't been all that long since they'd had that similar expression because of Angel and me.

Teasing them was good, but I was so happy to see Giles' mind occupied finally. At least I didn't have to be a lab rat anymore.

"Friends, countrymen, Sunnydale-ians." I heard Giles' groan. That made me feel really proud of myself. I still had it.

Giles shook his head. "Some things never change."

"Hey, if Xander never ages, maybe he'll never grow up." Willow started that out smiling, but when she finished the sentence, there was a slight frown on her face. "I can see how that could become annoying in a decade or two."

"Willow!" I glared at her.

The others laughed. After a moment of sulking, I decided to join the laughter. The thought of never growing up wasn't all that bad, since I had someone to be young with. _That_ thought changed my laugh into honest chuckling.

"We got a letter from the Council today." Giles pointed out after the laughter had ended. It didn't seem like bad news, though. He was still smiling, and so was Buffy.

"Yep." She went on with the tale. "Seems to me that the thing with Christine Masterson changed her mother's perceptions on the whole issue. On her recommendation, the Council's decided that we should go on with our lives, and you two can help."

No matter what some might say, I did _not_ squeal. I did make a happy sound, though and hugged the person closest to me. It happened to be Wills, so it was okay. I would have loved it to be someone else, though.

Brushing that thought aside, I watched the others rise the glasses full of lemonade to toast on the Council's decision.

Couldn't resist the opportunity to make a joke about having a glass of blood there, just to see Giles and the girls grimace. For some reason Oz seemed to think the joke was actually funny.

Go figure.

The music was loud, as it should be, but it didn't exactly encourage people to talk. Or to yell over it. So we stood there, watching people dance. Every once in a while someone would come to ask Buffy to dance, and every time she declined, throwing a goofy smile at Giles. Oz and Will divided their time between standing there, staring at each other, and dancing and staring at each other.

Should have been nearly perfect. But for some reason it wasn't.

Something felt wrong. It was like an itch between my shoulder blades. Every once in a while I had to glance over my shoulder to see if someone was staring at me. There was no one, just the feeling of unease. I hoped the feeling didn't mean that the dance would be interrupted by some toothy guy with horns jumping through the window. Wouldn't be the first time something like that happened.

Didn't say that out loud, though. I definitely didn't want to jinx the whole thing.

Willow and Oz were dancing like they were glued to each other. I watched them for a while and then turned to Buffy. She was standing by Giles' side, holding her glass. I wondered if they'd spend the whole evening acting like there was nothing between them. After all there was nothing wrong with them being together now. Officially, Buffy was of age _and_ had graduated from High School.

They had every right to dance with each other if they wanted to.

Suddenly there was a shift in the atmosphere. Nothing had changed, they were still playing the same song, and people were dancing, but the whole room felt different somehow. I shivered, and then realized that the door to the gym had just flung open.

And in the doorway there stood a very familiar figure.

For a moment time stood still, and I just stared at him. The man wearing black. The one who had once been just a mysterious stranger, and was now something much more. He could still do the mysterious routine, though. Like that moment, making his entrance perfect.

"Angel." I whispered, and then my feet were carrying me towards him. There was a smile playing on his lips, but his eyes were serious as he watched me approach. "You came after all."

He nodded. "I wasn't sure if I made the right decision. This is your night, and I didn't want to spoil it in any way. If you'd rather I left…"

"No." Shaking my head I grabbed his hand and then pulled him inside the room.

Now the smile on Angel's lips reached to his eyes. "No?"

"No." I agreed. "I want you to be here with me." It wasn't all that eloquent, but it was the truth. I suddenly realized that the sense of wrongness had disappeared when he'd stepped into the gym.

He looked around. "So what do we do next? I've never attended to this kind of a thing before. What do people do in these parties?" There was genuine curiosity in his voice.

Well, now. What could two vampires do at a dance? A few ideas came to mind immediately, but I decided that they could wait until we were alone. "We could walk around the room, chat with friends and teachers. There's a buffet table over there." I gestured with my hand. "But I already spent half an hour standing by there, hoping that I could have a bite of real food without the nasty side effects."

"Anything else?" Angel raised an eyebrow. "Do you think we should go and talk with Buffy and Giles?"

I looked at him standing there, looking edible, and for once in my life I couldn't think of anything funny to say. "Angel?" His name was the only thing I could rasp out.

"What?"

"There's one tradition I forgot to mention." If I still had a heartbeat, it would have pounded in my ears. "Usually people also dance. Especially the couples."

He was quiet for a moment. Then his gaze swept over the dancing people. "I do think you're right." His voice was teasing. "I wonder how that little detail escaped me completely."

"Ha ha. Very funny, loverboy. Now do you want to dance or not?" I glared at him.

Angel looked down to his shoes. When the dark gaze met mine again, I could see relief and that spark that told me that we wouldn't spend more than a few hours sleeping the next day. Oh, the whole day would be spent in bed all right, but definitely not sleeping. "You want to dance with me in front of all your classmates?"

Why the hell not? After all, those two girls from my math class were dancing together, and no one was paying them any attention. Okay, so they had been out of the closet for over six months, but still. I wanted to have that moment with the guy I loved. If people talked or gossiped, that was their business, not mine.

Did I want to shock people? Okay, so yeah, I did. Did I care of what they thought? Nope. "There's no one else I want to ask to dance. You know that, so stop asking stupid questions and let's go."

"Your wish is my command." He bowed with flourish, and then took my hand in his, leading me to the dance-floor.

The DJ really knew his business. He was playing a slow song that fit the mood of the evening perfectly. I let Angel guide me to the dancing people, and then wrapped my arms around his waist. He held me, and then I began to sway to the music.

"Ouch!" Angel moved his foot away from mine. "Just take small steps, okay. I'd like to be able to walk home tonight."

Blushing, I laid my head on his shoulder. To hide my embarrassment, I quipped, "Whoever said that romance is dead?"

His chest shook as he chuckled. "Not me. Definitely not. I'm all for romance." There was a pause, and then his breath tickled my ear as he whispered, " Besides, I'm not the one using words like 'loverboy'. Not that I object. It's definitely better than deadboy."

After the talk I'd had with Willow, I could laugh at his comment. Of course the fact that Angel stepped on _my_ foot right after his comment was a good reason for laughing, too.

Lifting my head to give him a smirk, I almost stumbled as I caught a glimpse of Snyder's face. He was staring at us with his mouth open. I'd never seen him look so stunned before. Well, now. This night wasn't all that bad after all. No one else seemed to pay any attention to us, kind of like no one ever seemed to notice any other vampires around this town.

We danced until the song changed, both of us getting a little better at avoiding each other's toes. Angel grimaced at the disco beat, and hastily pulled me back to where our friends were standing. Well, at least where Buffy and Giles were. Oz and Willow were getting in to the mood, shaking their figurative tail feathers.

This time the standing and watching others felt right. With Angel standing there, his arm around my shoulders, nothing could be wrong.

"So what's on your agenda next?" Buffy quirked up an eyebrow.

I let Angel answer that. I'd have just made a comment about spending a few weeks in bed. From the sly look he threw at me, my lover had the same idea. He didn't say it out loud, though.

"The same as always. Studying for upcoming disasters, polishing stakes." He slapped me on the shoulder as I snickered. "And I think we'll finally get that car we've been talking about."

Yes! "Can we get a convertible?" Cool! I could almost picture myself driving through the nightly streets of Sunnydale, wind in my hair.

Angel looked at me. Then he shook his head slowly. "I think we'd better not. Not yet anyway. We'll talk about that when you've had at least a decade of practice with handling a car."

"But..."

"No."

"Angel..."

"No."

"Please?" I even batted my eyelashes at him. Didn't work.

"No." He didn't even raise his voice. "We're not having this discussion again."

Damn, I hated it when he did that! This time I decided not to give in that easily. "You can't do that!" So, maybe it came out like a childish whine. I could have lived with the words, but that squeal made me feel embarrassed.

My lover didn't have a chance to answer my remark. Suddenly Giles began to laugh, breaking my concentration on the argument. Angel and I both turned to glower at him.

I felt like he'd just spoiled a perfectly good fight, and wanted some kind of an explanation. "What's so funny?"

The Watcher smiled. "I just remembered something." His tone of voice indicated that he didn't intend to elaborate.

If he thought I'd settle for _that_ , he was wrong. "Like what?"

"Hmm. Something I read once." Seeing my frown, he sighed. "Oh, all right. I thought, 'Children of the night...'"

Buffy joined him for the rest of the quote, lowering her voice too. "'...what sweet music they make!'"

Both the Watcher and the Slayer glanced at each other, and then began to laugh. When it became a bit hysterical, Buffy wrapped her arms around him and kissed him noisily.

Somewhere on the background Snyder was choking on his punch.

I'd wanted those two to be happy, but this was really disgusting. A nosy Giles I could handle. This new and definitely not improved Giles, who was sporting a really bad sense of humor, was something quite different. "Angel. If we ever start to behave that way...."

"...we'll get a date with early morning sun. Yep." He held out his hand. "Care to dance some more?"

Let's see... I could stand there and watch Buffy and Giles be cute together, or dance with Angel. Tough choice. Not!

"Sure." I grinned at him, and then followed him to the dancefloor.


End file.
